Would You Date/Marry Someone with a History of Domestic Violence?

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everyone,

Sometimes my threads are more on the humorous side, but tonight I wanted to address a very serious topic.

There have been several threads here about whether we would marry a virgin vs. non-virgin or someone with a "colorful" sexual past... and as many point out, we should not judge a person by their past, but as it has also been pointed out, there is such a thing as personal preferences and comfort levels, which are not necessarily sinful or somehow going against God.

As I said in a previous post, I think there is a difference between being judgmental and using good judgment.

So, my question is: would you consider dating or marrying someone who has a known and proven history of acting out instances of domestic violence but tells you they are reformed, seeking counseling, etc? What have your experiences been with this issue, if you feel comfortable telling us about them?

When I say a known and proven history, what I mean is, would you date someone who has either been documented in court or has several witnesses (such as previous significant others) who can testify to the fact that this person has committed some act of violence towards them? (In other words, there is proof--it's not just a rumor or someone spreading stories about the person.)

I had a friend who went through this situation... she was furious at me for confronting her about it, then called me in the middle of the night a few weeks later to come and get her out of such a situation. But she went back to him the next day... and it continued to get worse. I'm happy to say though, she finally left him (though it took years), found her relationship with God, and is now engaged to a great guy, but watching her go through that really took a toll on all involved.

After following some of the news surrounding Rihanna and Chris Brown recently, I wondered what the people here at CC would think of dating someone with this kind of history (or have already been in that situation.)

I'm not trying to make the guys out to be the enemies here, because women commit violent acts towards men as well.

Please only share if you feel comfortable--I'm definitely not trying to make anyone uneasy here, I was just wondering how the whole feeling of "don't judge someone by their past" would work itself out in a situation like this.

What are your thoughts?

 

[MahogonySnail]

I would not go with anyone with domestic violance issues. The "don't judge anyone by their past" is so silly it should be banned. It doesn't apply to people who have unresolved issues which I assume we are talking about here? If they are rehabilitated I guess it's no problem.

 

[MusicalMe]

I don't even like to date people with bad tempers. My last boyfriend had a very bad temper, and I felt like it would only be a matter of time before it turned on me. Not that he ever would have hit me, but he liked to intimidate people he was angry with by getting right up in there face, and I wasn't going to wait around long enough to find out if he would do that to me. It was bad enough to be around him when he was mad at someone else. We dated for several months before that temper showed up, and when it did, it was Adios Amigo.

 

[SamIam]

nooooooooooooooo cant say that i would....

 

[seoulsearch]

I agree with Musical too that someone with a bad temper who handles it poorly is definitely not someone you need as a significant other... and it doesn't have to be physical either. If someone has a pattern of "losing it" and reacts in terrible ways (it can be verbal, emotional, etc.), then apologizes or acts like nothing happened... I would get away from that person as soon as possible.

I guess there is another side to this as well--when is a person truly reformed and what kind of risk is one willing to take (in dating or marrying someone who is supposedly reformed)?

I dated an alcoholic who was supposedly "in recovery" (going to meetings and all) but will never do it again--nor will I date anyone who has any sort of addiction I'm completely uncomfortable with such as sexual behaviors, drugs, etc. And I'm just speaking from my own experience--I'm not saying this is an absolute, just the guidelines I've found for myself.

I can be friends with most anyone, but a significant other (a.k.a. potential spouse) is a completely different story.

And ironically, I find it's often the self-proclaimed "former" addicts who are now attracted to me because they're craving a more stable life after they've "partied themselves out" and are now getting older... but they need God to save them, not me.

 

[starfield]

What if the person has amended their ways and repented?

 

[Pineapple]

I would not go with anyone with domestic violance issues. The "don't judge anyone by their past" is so silly it should be banned. It doesn't apply to people who have unresolved issues which I assume we are talking about here? If they are rehabilitated I guess it's no problem.

I personally thought that the ''Don't judge anyone by their past'' thing was only applicable to people whose issues have been resolved anyway.

 

[ambernicole]

So, my question is: would you consider dating or marrying someone who has a known and proven history of acting out instances of domestic violence but tells you they are reformed, seeking counseling, etc?

Would I? No. I would be too fearful of history repeating itself and I would not take the chance...

 

[seoulsearch]

What if the person has amended their ways and repented?

It's a very tough thing. I know we need to forgive people of their pasts and move on... but when is someone truly recovered?

The alcoholic I dated claimed to be recovering. He wasn't. The more effort and forgiveness I poured into his life, the worse he got.

The sex addict I tried lending a sympathetic ear to claimed to be in recovery. He wasn't. He simply went behind my back and got the things he wanted from other girls while claiming he wanted to marry me.

Both claimed to be God-fearing, repentant, and changed.

 

[seoulsearch]

I should also mention that yes, I do know things such as addictions and abusive behavior are much different than past threads such as virginity vs. non, but as I said, I wanted to see how the thought of forgiving someone of their past would be expressed in these situations.

In the story that inspired this thread... the guy didn't have a history of violence toward women (that I was aware of) but he did have a history of getting into fights with other guys... My friend never said anything about him putting a hand on her but the way she talked about him--I just had a bad feeling. She blew up at me when I tried to ask her about it and wouldn't talk to me for six weeks (which was hard, because we work in same office together everyday.)

But the night she called me to come get her... I didn't even recognize her at first because of the bruises, swelling, and choke marks around her neck. As soon as we got in my car, he started calling her. I said, no way, if you're with me, you're shutting that phone off and not answering. She called me because I wasn't one of the cool people--I didn't get invited to the parties and cool events her other friends went to--so I was the only one of her friends that her boyfriend didn't really know (he didn't know my last name or where I lived.) And when we got to my house, the first thing she did was make sure--twice and three times and more--that all the doors and windows were locked. I'd never seen such fear up close before.

But... she went back to him the next day after she left my house. Wanted to "forgive him", you see, and "give him another chance."

The next time, he broke her nose.

But she went back to him.

I'm just thankful that God did intervene--the guy's heart wasn't at a point of changing, but hers was--and she did finally get away from him. But it took a very long time.

If any of you are in a situation where someone is doing anything--verbal, physical, mental, whatever--that is constantly hurting you or making you feel pushed way beyond your comfort zone, PLEASE find someone to talk to... and get help immediately.

 

[starfield]

It's a very tough thing. I know we need to forgive people of their pasts and move on... but when is someone truly recovered?

The alcoholic I dated claimed to be recovering. He wasn't. The more effort and forgiveness I poured into his life, the worse he got.

The sex addict I tried lending a sympathetic ear to claimed to be in recovery. He wasn't. He simply went behind my back and got the things he wanted from other girls while claiming he wanted to marry me.

Both claimed to be God-fearing, repentant, and changed.

I'm sorry to hear that. Though there are some that claim to have repented but are pretending, there are still sincere ones that need to be forgiven. I think it's about waiting on God prayerfully and He will lead one to the right/sincere person. Ask the Lord and He will show you (through visions) things about that person you would never have known based on your own observation of them "Shall not God search this out? for he knoweth the secrets of the heart." (Psalm 44:21). He is a loving Father and will not lead His children astray.

God bless.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm sorry to hear that. Though there are some that claim to have repented but are pretending, there are still sincere ones that need to be forgiven. I think it's about waiting on God prayerfully and He will lead one to the right/sincere person. Ask the Lord and He will show you (through visions) things about that person you would never have known based on your own observation of them "Shall not God search this out? for he knoweth the secrets of the heart." (Psalm 44:21). He is a loving Father and will not lead His children astray.

God bless.

Thank you for the compassionate answer, Starfield.

The reason I post and write about these things is because when I was going through them, I didn't really have anyone to talk to--so I hope that maybe someone else will see these things and get help or make smarter choices than I did... subsequently saving them from a lot of grief.

The reason I made some of the choices I did was because people cut me down and said I was basically being a Christian snob and not giving any guys with a few problems a chance... I was told that being the way I was meant I was being "too judgmental"--listening to that horrible advice/criticism pretty much landed me in the pit of hell... several times over.

Please don't let someone try to make you think that making a good choice about staying away from a bad situation is somehow "thinking you're above everyone else," because that's what some people did to me.

You are also right about God showing you things about a person you may be choosing to get involved with--I had a crush on a guy a few years ago and had a dream that we were going to watch a movie together. In the dream, I told him I'd be right back... and when I went to the bathroom, I discovered that this guy (in the dream) had thrown up everywhere and walked into the aftermath--the walls, mirror, flloors, even the ceiling--every inch of the bathroom was covered. I'm so stubborn that God actually gave me two dreams like this... both telling me the same thing.

This guy had a lot of issues in his heart he was struggling with and was making terrible choices everywhere he went... and God was warning me that if I started dating him, all I'd be doing is cleaning up after his messes along the way.

I had really liked him... so it was hard, but I backed away from him.

I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now but God's had to do a LOT of work on me! I pray that everyone out there who reads these things makes better choices than I did!

And if you're someone who needs someone to talk to, please feel free to drop me a line.

 

[sorry]

hi i can relate to this thread in so many ways. i know what it is like to be in that situation because i have been physicly,mentaly and verbally abused for the last five years in a very bad relationship. i did and still do love the one i was with and it hurts me to know that no matter what i did to try and change things for the better i still faield terribly. i was living in complete sin for i knew i could not marry an adulterer she has two kids bye two different fathers and has been married twice both times divorced. i have been convicted on a few harrassment charges and went through family court over things i could not controll it was completly unstopable without god in my life. so when someone i meet thinks they cant be with me on a count of my past i would have to say try to forgive and forget tho forgeting is the hardest i think.i hope this is helpfull even though i think im just going to confuse everyone because i have poor social skills.

 

[sorry]

yes i would marry but only if it was through gods will.

 

[seoulsearch]

hi i can relate to this thread in so many ways. i know what it is like to be in that situation because i have been physicly,mentaly and verbally abused for the last five years in a very bad relationship. i did and still do love the one i was with and it hurts me to know that no matter what i did to try and change things for the better i still faield terribly. i was living in complete sin for i knew i could not marry an adulterer she has two kids bye two different fathers and has been married twice both times divorced. i have been convicted on a few harrassment charges and went through family court over things i could not controll it was completly unstopable without god in my life. so when someone i meet thinks they cant be with me on a count of my past i would have to say try to forgive and forget tho forgeting is the hardest i think.i hope this is helpfull even though i think im just going to confuse everyone because i have poor social skills.

I'm sorry to hear about your very painful experiences... but thank you for also sharing that God is helping you get through and move on to find His plan for your life.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Mel]

Only if I knew I could kill them with my pinky

 

[Groundhog]

I would say that if the person has truly had a change of heart and a renewing of his mind so that he does not behave that way any more, then it would be okay. But even with a person like that, it would be important to date them for quite a while and take the relationship slowly so that you could see them in all seasons and under all sorts of pressures, to make sure that you can be safe with and completely trust that person.

 

[wings21]

Absolutly not being a woman who dated a man who came from an abusive home, they turnd out to be super controlling, negative, and abusive themselves only God can judge them but ladies we have to be wise about the men we bring into our lives!

 

[Marisa]

I will not date a man who's abusive.

 

[Theocracy]

NEVER. I would never date or marry a guy that has a history of violence. I have a child, that would be the worse thing I could do is date someone like that.