Need help with purity

[Jullianna]

Yes, I do love him and today I cried so hard just thinking about losing him. I love him very much. I read this again,

1 Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Seems weird that God would say to get married if you have no self control. Let's face it, my self-control is running on fumes here. I can't put all the blame on my boyfriend. Yeah, he initiates things, but I do find it incredibly difficult not give in due to my own desires for him.

With all of the other things Paul had to say about marriage, I'm sure he didn't mean to imply this should be the only reason people should marry. It should never be.

You love him, you feel close to him, you crave intimacy with him. Don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Having those feelings doesn't mean that your relationship with Christ is not intact. God told Eve that her desire would be for her husband. This is the man you want to be your husband.

Now that he knows how deeply this has hurt you, what he does with that information will be very telling. If he is willing to do all he can to keep this from happening again and lovingly encourages you, he's a keeper. If he tries to take advantage of your feelings, walk away.

You clearly hold purity and your relationship with Christ in extremely high regard. You are clearly repentant. You and your man clearly love and respect one another, and communication is important to both of you. How he feels about you shows in his response.

God has a precious way of bringing good from our failings and disappointments. It appears that the light your dedication to purity for Christ has shown your man some things about his own relationship with Christ. I would again encourage the two of you to find a church together. It will help in every way.

Hang on, Sister The first steps are the toughest and you are taking them boldly.

 

[KCat]

you never answered why you can't just get married....its like 60 dollars.....then you can plan a nice wedding and spend 10,000 and you can be like my wife and get two anniversary cards and presents its a win win.....and being married is GREAT!

Ha! Did yall really do that? We've actually talked about that a few times.

The thing is, we are warned all our lives to take this decision VERY seriously and not jump into it out of compulsion. That is why all the verses about God telling people to get married simply because they have either had sex or they want to have sex so bad they can't control it is really hard for me to wrap my brain around. I've read so many "christian" books on dating and purity and courtship, etc... and it just gets so confusing and complicated with all the principles and guidelines and rules and opinions... and then over here, I read the Bible on people struggling with purity and God's just like, "Well you should get married!"
That simplicity is hard to wrap my brain around.

(Don't get me wrong, I don't love this man just because I want to jump his bones. There are sooooo many things I love about him.)

On his side, his parents have always taught him that you should date someone for at least a year before you marry them and his dad got REALLY mad at his brother for eloping. But yes, it's crossed our minds many times.

 

[KCat]

With all of the other things Paul had to say about marriage, I'm sure he didn't mean to imply this should be the only reason people should marry. It should never be.

Ha! Yeah, that sounds like recipe for disaster to me as well!

 

[frankleespeaking]

Ha! Did yall really do that? We've actually talked about that a few times.

The thing is, we are warned all our lives to take this decision VERY seriously and not jump into it out of compulsion. That is why all the verses about God telling people to get married simply because they have either had sex or they want to have sex so bad they can't control it is really hard for me to wrap my brain around. I've read so many "christian" books on dating and purity and courtship, etc... and it just gets so confusing and complicated with all the principles and guidelines and rules and opinions... and then over here, I read the Bible on people struggling with purity and God's just like, "Well you should get married!"
That simplicity is hard to wrap my brain around.

(Don't get me wrong, I don't love this man just because I want to jump his bones. There are sooooo many things I love about him.)

On his side, his parents have always taught him that you should date someone for at least a year before you marry them and his dad got REALLY mad at his brother for eloping. But yes, it's crossed our minds many times.

we were talking about mariage after two weeks of dating, we had discussed everything and all things relating to marriage, finances, children, hopes and dreams of the future, but I have to say the greatest bond we had was we shared all the same doctrines of faith, we pray together everyday, nothing dissolves an arguement faster than forcing yourself to pray with your spouse even when your mad....lol.....which we rarely are.......and I have to say God was leading this union togather not us

 

[mystdancer50]

I find it necessary to add that Paul is the one that said to marry if you had no self-control, not God. It is the same with divorce, how people say that God says the only reason to divorce is for infidelity. However, it was Moses that gave that permission, not God. So, you see, beware. God knows that we can exercise self-control. Jesus did it. He is the Son of God, yes, but He was tempted in all things as we are and Holy Spirit descended as a dove and entered Him as He was being baptized by John when He entered His ministry at 32 years of age. So, Jesus exercised self-control through the hardest years to do so...so, then, should we. No one said it was easy, but it is entirely possible. We tend to look for excuses for rushing into and out of marriage, forgetting that marriage is a high calling and should be treated as such. You do seem to realize this, according to your posts, which is why you haven't rushed out and married each other, which is good. But as long as you are still alone together, as long as you are still not attending church, you are setting yourselves up to fail in the realm of self-control. Plain and simple.

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I [Paul] say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." - 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

 

[Jullianna]

JESUS speaking in Matthew Chapter 5:
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Scripture is scripture, no matter who said what.

 

[mystdancer50]

Wow! Use large fonts much?

Matthew 19 says:

3One day the Pharisees were badgering him: "Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?"

4-6He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."
7They shot back in rebuttal, "If that's so, why did Moses give instructions for divorce papers and divorce procedures?" 8-9Jesus said, "Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God's original plan. I'm holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery."

My whole point was that folks use the divorce 'clause' as a right to divorce, even if adultry does not exist. Sorry if my point wasn't clear. Most divorces are not due to adultry, but rather 'falling out of love' and other such nonsense.

 

[Jullianna]

It is also listed as an exception in the last sentence of that text.


If we couldn't use large fonts, it wouldn't be an option.

 

[KCat]

I find it necessary to add that Paul is the one that said to marry if you had no self-control, not God. It is the same with divorce, how people say that God says the only reason to divorce is for infidelity. However, it was Moses that gave that permission, not God. So, you see, beware. God knows that we can exercise self-control. Jesus did it. He is the Son of God, yes, but He was tempted in all things as we are and Holy Spirit descended as a dove and entered Him as He was being baptized by John when He entered His ministry at 32 years of age. So, Jesus exercised self-control through the hardest years to do so...so, then, should we. No one said it was easy, but it is entirely possible. We tend to look for excuses for rushing into and out of marriage, forgetting that marriage is a high calling and should be treated as such. You do seem to realize this, according to your posts, which is why you haven't rushed out and married each other, which is good. But as long as you are still alone together, as long as you are still not attending church, you are setting yourselves up to fail in the realm of self-control. Plain and simple.

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I [Paul] say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." - 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

I'm not sure we have the same view of scripture. I believe all scripture to be the Word of God. I believe that it is "God breathed" and that no letter is to be added to or taken away from it.

Listen to this, not only does it say in 1Corinthians, but also Exodus 22:16 it is commanded this...

If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife.

We can hem and haw and try to get more spiritual than God, but seems pretty plain to me. Imperfect people get married all the time and God has gone so far as to even command it.

You know, sometimes I am not surprised why the divorce rate among Christians is higher than among non-Christians. It's like when we dream of our future spouse, we put them on a pedestal in the land of unicorns and magical butterflies. When find out that person is not as godly as we expected them to be and from the land of unicorns and magical butterflies, we get so disappointed and turned off, we throw them out.

Now, I admit, I am disappointed we did not exhibit self-control. I am fully aware that self-control is the fruit of the Spirit and that love is patient. However, it is also apparent that God knows many will struggle and even mess up in the area of self-control when it comes to this type relationship. Contrary to what we are being taught in the church with the whole "courtship" movement these days, God says, if it's that bad, just go ahead and get married already. Quit being more spiritual than God, just go ahead and commit.

May I add, we ARE actively seeking a church and we have set boundaries. Instead of throwing it all away for not being perfect, we want to work through it. That's just what you do when you are committed to someone and I see enough in him that I believe it's worth it, especially after he surprised me with his response the other night. So with that said, I covet your prayers to endure to live as is becoming of a follower of Christ.

 

[KCat]

My bad, I never told yall about the discussion he and I had the other night. He saw how heart-broken and conflicted I was over his attitude and what we had done and basically he expressed to me that he really struggles with keeping his thoughts pure towards me because he is very attracted to me, but that it broke his heart that I was so hurt by his actions towards me. He said, "We have GOT to find a church. We cannot sit in a room together alone laying on the couch and stuff like that anymore. If we are idle like that, it is not good."

He said, "You know, I'm a Christian so I know premarital sex is wrong, but you have put a new light on it for me because I see what it has done to you... and I've always known deep down it has not been a good thing for me either. I actually respect you even more that you want to hold yourself and our relationship to a higher standard. No, it did not hurt my feelings at all last night when you told me, 'No, I am just NOT doing this or that' That tells me you care about me and our relationship so much that you will not let things get out of hand anymore. You are living your faith. I am not going anywhere if you aren't."

I am encouraged by this, but again, I covet your prayers that Satan will not thwart us because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will try his very best to keep us from living those intentions out.

 

[KCat]

Wait, my bad again. I DID tell yall about that discussion... How do you delete posts?

 

[violakat]

I have to agree with Mystdancer on this. You need some time to step back and allow yourself to fully allow God to take control of your life. When we step outside of God's will, that's when everything becomes cattywampus, and what we think is right may in reality be wrong. When you step back and start praying and meditating on God's Word, then God begins to speak. By giving yourself some space from this young man your emotions will not be as raw as when your with him. I know you say he is a Christian but ask yourself these questions before you even begin to contemplate a marriage with him:

1. Is he a Godly leader?
2. Does he work within the church? i.e. Sunday School teacher, prayer ministry ....
3. What is his prayer life like?
4. What is his Bible Study life like?
5. Are there areas that you see that concern you?

 

[violakat]

Wait, my bad again. I DID tell yall about that discussion... How do you delete posts?

Dont' worry about it. Leave it.

 

[GreenNnice]

I have to agree with Mystdancer on this. You need some time to step back and allow yourself to fully allow God to take control of your life. When we step outside of God's will, that's when everything becomes cattywampus, and what we think is right may in reality be wrong. When you step back and start praying and meditating on God's Word, then God begins to speak. By giving yourself some space from this young man your emotions will not be as raw as when your with him. I know you say he is a Christian but ask yourself these questions before you even begin to contemplate a marriage with him:

1. Is he a Godly leader?
2. Does he work within the church? i.e. Sunday School teacher, prayer ministry ....
3. What is his prayer life like?
4. What is his Bible Study life like?
5. Are there areas that you see that concern you?

_____===_____

Wait on the Lord.

I do like what vkat says above, okKat, and the stern chastisement of Myst is good for you to hear, for you are God's, and, through both myst and now, vkat, the message is said clear, and, what is said by them has nothing to do with fleece white unicorns and rainbow butterflies. But what they say has everything to do with what they feel are best ways for you to go forward with your beau. God is heavily in how you are to move.

I know this might seem like chastisement, too, but, IF your beau really loves you he will be man enough now to step back for sure out of your house living, or,, without a doubt, you should get out of his . Spend time alone ONLY if your wilx hearts can be reined. I say, 'no,' because the flame is just too hot.

And, the fire in your hearts needs to be given to God, sacrificially, wholly, until you are married. Going to a church is a good thing to do, but more needs to be done by him to prove he is sincere about respecting your wishes of celibacy until marriage.

The Lord, ultimately , is who you both should, follow, right?

So, make plans in prayer of what is going to happen going forward and faitnfully follow those plans.

God has plans for us all, I just implore you during this time, and, I pray this for your beau too,

Love this guy for God qualities, NOT good qualities, and, of course, guy should be in line with hygeine basics, clean clothes, bathes, respectful of you (and others) .

Know that God will answer your 'conflicted' emotions as you pray and talk to God, just remember to listen to what He says and follow His great lead.

May Jesus bless you and show you His great Love and understanding and peace in this situation, I will be praying for you, that you can boldly follow His plan.

Phil. 4:13.

 

[KCat]

I have to agree with Mystdancer on this. You need some time to step back and allow yourself to fully allow God to take control of your life. When we step outside of God's will, that's when everything becomes cattywampus, and what we think is right may in reality be wrong. When you step back and start praying and meditating on God's Word, then God begins to speak. By giving yourself some space from this young man your emotions will not be as raw as when your with him. I know you say he is a Christian but ask yourself these questions before you even begin to contemplate a marriage with him:

1. Is he a Godly leader?
2. Does he work within the church? i.e. Sunday School teacher, prayer ministry ....
3. What is his prayer life like?
4. What is his Bible Study life like?
5. Are there areas that you see that concern you?

Can you please give me scripture which supports that I should distance myself at this point? And also, why do you seem so sure that I have not now allowed God to take control of my life or that I am not now praying fervently and meditating on scripture?

These questions... After 9 months of dating this guy, do you honestly think I have not asked myself these things? About question number 2, I don't see why that such a great measure. Just because someone is a pastor or deacon or something doesn't mean squat. In the church I grew up in, one of the elders ended up in the slammer for sodomizing and raping all 4 of his daughters. No one knew, not even his wife. Might I add, he was also respected doctor in the community and all 9 of his children were home schooled. This man was your regular Bill Gothard, Quiverfull, make up more rules than is in the Bible, Sunday School teachin', always at church when the doors are open, white-washed tomb church "leader" kinda guy if there ever was one.

I don't mean to sound all defensive, just please keep it to scripture.

 

[KCat]

_____===_____

Wait on the Lord.

I do like what vkat says above, okKat, and the stern chastisement of Myst is good for you to hear, for you are God's, and, through both myst and now, vkat, the message is said clear, and, what is said by them has nothing to do with fleece white unicorns and rainbow butterflies. But what they say has everything to do with what they feel are best ways for you to go forward with your beau. God is heavily in how you are to move.

I know this might seem like chastisement, too, but, IF your beau really loves you he will be man enough now to step back for sure out of your house living, or,, without a doubt, you should get out of his . Spend time alone ONLY if your wilx hearts can be reined. I say, 'no,' because the flame is just too hot.

And, the fire in your hearts needs to be given to God, sacrificially, wholly, until you are married. Going to a church is a good thing to do, but more needs to be done by him to prove he is sincere about respecting your wishes of celibacy until marriage.

The Lord, ultimately , is who you both should, follow, right?

So, make plans in prayer of what is going to happen going forward and faitnfully follow those plans.

God has plans for us all, I just implore you during this time, and, I pray this for your beau too,

Love this guy for God qualities, NOT good qualities, and, of course, guy should be in line with hygeine basics, clean clothes, bathes, respectful of you (and others) .

Know that God will answer your 'conflicted' emotions as you pray and talk to God, just remember to listen to what He says and follow His great lead.

May Jesus bless you and show you His great Love and understanding and peace in this situation, I will be praying for you, that you can boldly follow His plan.

Phil. 4:13.

If by "step back" they meant stay away from each other's homes or stay away from being tempting situations, yes, the beau and I already sat down and agreed to do just that. God is very clear he says to flee temptation.

Somehow I got the impression they were saying step away from the whole relationship.

 

[GreenNnice]

1. Is he a Godly leader? 2. Does he work within the church? i.e. Sunday School teacher, prayer ministry .... 3. What is his prayer life like? 4. What is his Bible Study life like? 5. Are there areas that you see that concern you?
========
This is a good list, and, yes, okKat, the guy does not need to be a pastor or Sunday School teacher but for your beau to want to do things God''s way and not give in , even if you do. IS very important.
You do want a guy who puts God first, I would read through Ephesians 5 with him and Col. 3, their is much wisdom to be learned.

Anyway, I don't want to.harp on you , just let you know that following the Lord regarding this situation will make all The difference in many years everafter, or,, not.

 

[Liamson]

Be careful.

Listen, pray and set boundaries.


Also, be careful. Good advice can be good but, Ladies Gossip circles ruin marriages in the name of Good advice.

If he is your best friend and you love him, this should be something you can work out. Love believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things. If he loves you with all of his heart, then he will be there for you in whatever capacity he can be.

I would say don't create a fiery obstacle course of expectations for him to jump through. If he loves you he will wait for you. He doesn't need to suddenly become a community bible study and prayer group organizer to prove to you that He is a man of God.

If you have been with him for 9 months, YOU already know his heart. If he has your best interest in mind then he will honor you and cherish you and love you forever for having been through this with him.

 

[GreenNnice]

]If by "step back" they meant stay away from each other's homes or stay away from being tempting situations, yes, the beau and I already sat down and agreed to do just that[/B]. God is very clear he says to flee temptation.

Good.

Somehow I got the impression they were saying step away from the whole relationship.

I think myst is,saying that stepping away would be best, and, I tend to agree,, a month completely not to do with each other may strengthen your love for each other.

The Lord should lead you, that is the biggest point being made by me, despite all the long sentences of other stuff I might say.

Scripture is clear about marrying if burning with passion, or,, if 'seduced by guy' then guy should pay bride-price, and, great, that is what the bible is saying to you, okKat, but, that said, pray by yourself about everything and then be brave and follow His lead. Have faith.....In a great way God will show you and it will be best for both of you IF you are His. And, you've already said you are botn born of God.. So, it is a personal relationship for every single one of God''s sheep and The Holy Spirit will teach, chastise, scourge, rebuke, and, even affirm what we are doing in life is okKat

May Jesus bless you for coming onto c.c. and letting others try and help you understahd this 'conflicted' situation. And, I know He will bless you, too, have faith in Him, GREAT FAITH that He will lead you best ALL through your life, ok, Kat ?

 

[KCat]

Be careful.

Listen, pray and set boundaries.


Also, be careful. Good advice can be good but, Ladies Gossip circles ruin marriages in the name of Good advice.

If he is your best friend and you love him, this should be something you can work out. Love believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things. If he loves you with all of his heart, then he will be there for you in whatever capacity he can be.

I would say don't create a fiery obstacle course of expectations for him to jump through. If he loves you he will wait for you. He doesn't need to suddenly become a community bible study and prayer group organizer to prove to you that He is a man of God.

If you have been with him for 9 months, YOU already know his heart. If he has your best interest in mind then he will honor you and cherish you and love you forever for having been through this with him.

Thank you. You hit the nail on the head, here. I'm all about chastisement and "good advice" if it's valid. I don't mean to get defensive at everyone. I believe there are kernels of truth in everyone's comments, but some of it is not the whole truth and it goes beyond scriptural and into people's opinion. Things that are not really important become a big deal... "he has to teach Sunday School, or he's not good or 'godly' enough." I think that's when things get ruined and too complicated and it's just sad.