Here is my experience of how I was born again. I came to an END of myself, of living my own life MY WAY, when my wife of only 6 months demanded a divorce, because I could not earn enough money. I meant my Vows, and she did not. I also know that GOD does not approve of divorce. I went into DEEP depression that last week of 1977. I did not want to live another day, so during that week I attempted Suicide three times. AFTER THE THIRD ATTEMPT SOMETHING IN ME BROKE. (Which I now think it was the pride of living my Life my own way.) TREMENDOUS GUILT over my WHOLE LIFESTYLE washed over me, WAVE after WAVE after WAVE. I was instantly brought to my knees, and was crying and sobbing like a baby. During that intensity of that moment I said a prayer that no man had ever taught me.
"FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! Lord if you have a purpose for my life, you will have to come in and run my life, because I CAN'T DO IT."
That is as close to it as I can get in my old age, but IT was a COMPLETE Surrender to Jesus Christ, for the rest of my life. That was the night of Dec. 30, 1977, but it was about 4:30 in the morning, so it was early morning Dec.31, 1977. Those waves of GRIEF over my UTTER SINFULNESS DID NOT STOP. And I kept repeating: FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! I fell to a prostrate position, face down. It must have been at least 45 minutes later, THEN something else happened to me, that I have been reluctant to tell very many people about. I don't remember falling asleep, or GOD gave me a Vision, I really cannot tell, but if it was a DREAM it was the most VIVID DREAM THAT I EVER HAD. I was literally at the foot of the Cross on my knees reaching up to him, still crying out, FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! And I noticed that the Nails were through his Wrists, {and it was YEARS later that I learned that the Jews considered the Wrists to be part of the hands}. Then I saw the blood from those nails fall, and splash in my forearms, and I was amazed that I could feel the warmth of that blood.
That is where the Vision or Dream ended, but I knew HE HAD FORGIVEN me totally.
Now I must ask, HOW IS THAT NOTHING BUT 100% GOD bringing me TOO HIM ? ? ?
"FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! Lord if you have a purpose for my life, you will have to come in and run my life, because I CAN'T DO IT."
That is as close to it as I can get in my old age, but IT was a COMPLETE Surrender to Jesus Christ, for the rest of my life. That was the night of Dec. 30, 1977, but it was about 4:30 in the morning, so it was early morning Dec.31, 1977. Those waves of GRIEF over my UTTER SINFULNESS DID NOT STOP. And I kept repeating: FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! I fell to a prostrate position, face down. It must have been at least 45 minutes later, THEN something else happened to me, that I have been reluctant to tell very many people about. I don't remember falling asleep, or GOD gave me a Vision, I really cannot tell, but if it was a DREAM it was the most VIVID DREAM THAT I EVER HAD. I was literally at the foot of the Cross on my knees reaching up to him, still crying out, FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! And I noticed that the Nails were through his Wrists, {and it was YEARS later that I learned that the Jews considered the Wrists to be part of the hands}. Then I saw the blood from those nails fall, and splash in my forearms, and I was amazed that I could feel the warmth of that blood.
That is where the Vision or Dream ended, but I knew HE HAD FORGIVEN me totally.
Now I must ask, HOW IS THAT NOTHING BUT 100% GOD bringing me TOO HIM ? ? ?
God is good.
My ancestry is of Muslim heritage.
I was dedicated to allah.
My mum never really bought me up as a Muslim but Jesus was a prophet and nothing more.
I came to believe in Jesus when I watched Jesus of Nazareth when I was about 7.
I actually believed he was the son of God who died and rose again, not only that but for me.
I remember watching the beating, him hanging on the cross, saying Father forgive them then him saying "It is finished" and seeing the temple curtain torn in two.
I thought to I myself "Wow this is real, he is real, he died and rose again"
I didn't fully understand the implication for me or my life as we never went to church at the time.
But I do remember that not so long after that I got involved in the youth of a little church nearby which I wanted to go to, as did my two younger brothers.
My mum moved and I was devastated.
However the next place we moved to somehow I went to another church.
She moved again.
My brothers joined the Boys Brigade but I did not.
One of the leaders came to our house to see if I wanted to come along.
I said yes.
On Sundays they had Bible class.
My mum then moved back to Scotland.
I was devestated again.
But I sought out a church.
Six months after moving I was aloud to back to where we used to live as a Christmas present.
I went to the house of the leader who came to see me.
During that period unbeknownst to me my mum called them and said "I don't want him back you can have him or put him in a home"
They told me this a few days before I was going back to Scotland.
So they fostered me.
But it got worse.
For the next 4-5 years my foster dad sexually abused me.
Eventually I went to college.
When I did I had no interest in seeking out church.
Through circumstances I found myself in a Baptist church.
But boy was I a mixed up cookie.
I got engaged to a girl I did not want to marry but broke it off before we did.
Sat in church thinking "Ok we will get married, have a couple of kids, get divorced and I can see them at weekends"
All of a sudden it was like someone had taken a knife, ripped open my stomach and put a gazillion butterflies in my stomach.
The anxiety was so so bad (which I still struggle with)
Anyway I broke it off.
Gave up my job.
Went to live with a friend miles and miles away.
I gave up on church as did my friend.
I really did a prodical son but not asking the Father for my inheritance.
After all I already had it.
It was the inheritance of my past and what a shit inheritance.
Anyway found myself as a result of my mate going to it because he fancied a girl.
To finish this.
I'm happily married, to the most beautiful amazing woman, 4 amazing kids.
They love Jesus and all walk in their own faith.
I now help others and walk with them.
Broken hurt people like me.
I do remember praying one day "God I'm so sorry I ran away from you"
He replied "I knew where you were going to but I had prepared that place for you to go to, I actually led you down that path"
Do you know what.
My two brothers had the early experience as I did concerning Jesus.
They have rejected the claims.
Been married and divorced, fathered children outside off marriage.
My mum was married and divorced 4 times.
She fell pregnant with me brute before marriage to a Catholic.
In fact she was on the abortion table with me but at the last minute said no.
She was condemned by her dad a shame on the family.
The very man who lifted me up to Allah also rejected me.
But praise God.
I have been married 25 years soon, God is using me.
Praise God even more, and I have tears in my eyes.
My mum no longer believes Jesus is just a prophet.
To her he is the Son of God who died and rose again her.
She doesn't go to church much because she is hard of hearing.
She doesn't get the bus big words and theology.
But she is happy to tell her friends about Jesus and sit on a park bench taking to people about Jesus.
Every place I've been moved and myself moved to God has always seemed to be there.
Is that election in action.
I often wonder about my brothers.
Is that non election?
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