That did not just happen though, the fact you called out to the lord means God had been working on your spirits drawing you to himself, teaching you about him, and at the same time, bringing you to spiritual bankruptcy,
I would say those final three hours was the most intense, but certainly not the completed work of God in drawing you to fall on your knees like you did
NO, YOU do not understand me, you see I had fallen for a FALSE GOSPEL, and it totally did not happen, until I was willing to surrender to HIM.
I WAS PROUD OF LIVING MY LIFE MY WAY! You see the Church that I was a member of, TAUGHT to tell people they need to SURRENDER to JESUS was WORKS RIGHTEOUSNESS. I committed SUICIDE THREE TIMES in on week, the last week of 1977, two months before my 29 birthday. Yes, I was raised in a Church, and thought I was a Christian, because I took up space on a pew, and day-dreamed through every SERMON. I was NEVER A CHRISTIAN, but THOUGHT I WAS, ONLY BECAUSE I WAS IN CHURCH MOST SUNDAYS.
The reason for my SEVERE DEPRESSION was my wife told me On Christmas Eve, after we married six months prior to that; that SHE wanted a divorce, because I could not earn enough money to buy the things she wanted to buy. Some Reason! I hit bottom BIG TIME, and did not care if I hurt my parents, or brother and sister, or even my friends. I JUST DID NO WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DAY, and I REALLY WANTED TO END IT ALL, AND
CEASE TO EXIST! The first two times was with a Pistol with a hair trigger. I had the Pistol against my temple with the trigger half pulled, WHEN SHEAR TERROR OVER CAME ME, and I Dropped the Pistol.
That TERROR was way beyond what even a Mass Murderer could put in my heart, with KNIFE TO MY THROAT, could EVER PUT IN ME. I tried it again two nights later and the SAME TERROR OVERWHELMED ME.
PLEASE, NEVER TEST GOD THIS WAY, BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS, NEVER:
Matthew 4:7 (NRSV)
7 Jesus said to him,
"Again it is written, 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
The Third Time I attempted SUICIDE was after I had saw a Road Crew pour a layer of very thick Gravel on a Dirt Road near my place, and I KNEW the Loose Gravel was the MOST DANGEROUS SURFACE TO RIDE ON. I went to my favorite watering hole on my Motorcycle, and continued to drink until I was three times as drunk as anyone had a right to be. We the Bar Closed I went home, ONLY to drop my Helmet OFF. And then went out to the loose gravel road. Thinking GOD probably did not exist, I looked up at the Sky, and TAUNTED HIM, as I cranked the Throttle
WIDE OPEN a few yards from the Lose Gravel:
"If you exist, YOU CAN TAKE ME ANYWHERE YOU WANT ME ON THIS MILE!" I shouted it at the top of my voice.
I kept the throttle wide open, and somewhere about the half mile mark, I remember thinking,
"This feels like Pavement." So I continued full throttle. When I got to the end of the mile, I briefly stopped perpendicular to the Mile of loose Gravel, just wondering what had just happened. So I slowly went home to think about what happened, and to SOBER UP.
It was about 4:00 in the morning, when I started to go to bed, because it all had still,
MADE NO SENSE, and when I crossed the threshold of the doorway something IMPORTANT HAPPENED TO ME. I believe THAT IS THE MOMENT THE HOLY SPIRIT TOOK UP RESIDENCE IN MY HEART. Wave after Wave of GRIEF and SORROW kept coming into my heart, for a couple hours; far greater than I have ever EXPERIENCED. That is the
moment the HOLY SPIRIT made my SALVATION REAL, starting with DEEP CONVICTION, and because I could not believe HE could forgive a GREAT SINNER LIKE ME; HE gave me the Vision or Dream of Being at the CROSS.
You can believe what you want,
but that MOMENT in time, is HOW I KNOW MY SALVATION WAS REAL, NOT BEFORE THEN. I KNOW I WAS STANDING IN THE GATES OF HADES AND HELL, BOTH NIGHTS I HAD THE PISTOL TO MY HEAD, READY TO WALK IN.
See Post #149,057 for the rest of the testimony.
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