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EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#63,461
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
310
83
#63,461
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
 
EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#63,462
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
310
83
#63,462
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
 
EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#63,463
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
310
83
#63,463
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Montana, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher dropped his tools, ran to the fence and yelled .... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
 
EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#63,464
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
310
83
#63,464
CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. I wrote 10 puns hoping they would make you smile, but no pun in ten did.
11. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
12. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The GI who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
25. Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.
26. Dullwood hit a cheerful fortune teller because he wanted to strike a happy medium.
27. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#63,465
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
310
83
#63,465
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
(By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#63,467
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
310
83
#63,467
EarnestQ said:
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
(By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Click to expand...


This reminds me a a true story. In the 70's I was in the Army Security Agency which is like the CIA of the army. One of my jobs was to repair an electronic system that filled a medium sized room. Sometimes the equipment would just stop working and then a few minutes later would start working again. We knew that the cause of these problems was gremlins.

We were required to fill out a form that asked for the nature of the problem and what we did to correct it. A few times I answered that the problem was "Gremlins" and what I did to correct it was use gremlin curse number 219.

A few months later I got a form back from NSA (National Security Agency) asking me to please describe Gremlin curse number 219.

(I guess they had similar problems with other equipment around the world and wanted to know my troubleshooting techniques.)
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#63,469
Mar 13, 2014
42,665
17,119
113
69
Tennessee
#63,469
Before I head off to work I want to pray that you have a blessed day today Dan. It's now time to make my appointed rounds.
 
R

renewed_hope

Guest
#63,476
#63,476
Yay! Its Monday....does my happy dance :D
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#63,477
Feb 21, 2014
70,924
9,673
113
#63,477
M, what kind of job do you have that allows you to be on here while you're at work? :confused:
 
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