I am neither, thanks for the accusations but I am simply a pessimist/doubter.
You may think you are a pessimist/doubter but you are actually displaying so many signs of a cynic - one who believes the worst of all people and in your case, I think you are particularly cynical of Christians. You see what they declare from their mouths but you don't see the corresponding act that should follow.
Why does God help those who claim to be Christians but don't even act like one who could be called a follower of Christ? They ask for healing and He gives it to them. They ask for money and He provides it to them. They ask for friendship and He sends good friends to them. They ask for comfort and He sends them flowers, hugs, and more new friends. But these same people don't help out at the church, they purposely walk away from beggars on the street, they never forgive and expect others to ask them for forgiveness but when it's their turn to ask for forgiveness, they become stubborn and forget their past transgressions. They take His name in vain, they cuss, they get unreasonably angry on the road, they cheat, they lie, they fib, they act just like non-Christians - strip clubs, porn, drugs, drunkenness, fornication, and the list goes on.
But God still provided for them and gave them what they asked for.
You know what? All I asked from God was to be happy and content. I wanted the sadness to go away. I wanted some peace from family. I wanted someone to know my frustrations. That's not too much to ask for, right? After all, I volunteered at the church for years. I go out of my way to tell people about Christ. I even tried to volunteer for other non-profit organizations to help those who have less than what I have. I try my best to live like a Christian - the opposite of what other common Christians were doing. I've been a believer for years! I think I got some brownie points for that at the very least! Instead, the opposite happened and I even had to seek months of therapy! Why couldn't God grant me my small small request?
In a way, it's similar to what you're asking from God, right? You just want Him to help you with a small illness - it's not even an illness that physically (I assume a bit here) disables you - it's an illness of the mind. Surely God can provide you with a miracle healing? If He can provide healing for a church member who suffers from prostate cancer, surely helping you with a mental illness isn't outside the scope of His power? If He can provide sight to another congregation member who recently lost vision in an eye, surely it's nothing compared to a mental illness? I mean, we're talking about healing the blind and the cancerous! Those are big sicknesses! You're just asking for peace of mind, right? It's so small of a request! It's potatoes compared to prostate cancer and blindness!
It took me 13 years to figure it all out. I wish someone had told me sooner so I didn't have to go through 13 years of disciplining. You see, I wasn't any different from those people. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I wasn't that different. Many of the things they did, I did too. But here's the difference, they repented and praised God truly, deeply from their heart. I praised with my tongue but really, I was still angry at God. It's a wonder He didn't strike me dead with lightning. I was so busy looking at how other Christians were behaving that I was forgetting about my own relationship with God. It really gives a whole new meaning to Matthew 7:3 - they have specks of sawdust in their eyes but I have an enormous plank in my own. Sure, I didn't fornicate, do drugs, get drunk, etc. etc. but I cheated, I lied, I fibbed, I got unreasonably angry on the road, I didn't forgive nor did I ask for forgiveness. You see, it's the little things that add up - not the big ones. Little things like forgetting that your success in any part of life isn't your success - it's God-given. Forgetting to pray to Him with thanksgiving for what you already have - genuine heartfelt prayers! Forgetting to shed your wants and desires to do His will whatever that may be. Simply forgetting that the Creator gives and takes away too! The result? Discipline.
I got my discipline almost two years go - they were physical and mental disciplines. Two motor vehicle accidents a month apart. Then God used people at work to bring my unhappiness to an all time low. I wasn't just unhappy, I was depressed. I sought out a therapist and had sessions for months. But it didn't stop there. You know how I figured it all out? I was sitting in a mall food court one afternoon - lunch break near the office. I tried drowning my sorrows in a newspaper and my lunch. A beggar came up to me - he nearly caught me by surprise! He asked me three times for some money. Then a Bible story came to mind from an old Christian cartoon series. The story is found in Luke 16:19-31 (The Rich Man and Lazarus). The cartoon creators modified things a bit. In the cartoon, Lazarus is a little boy and he begged the rich man three times. Finally, the rich man had the boy beaten to death. The rest of the story was more or less the same as found in the Bible. At that point, I realized that the beggar had approached me three times - true, it is not biblical but it was convicting enough. I didn't have cash but I could've bought him food - I was in a food court! The food court was packed with people. It would've taken the man quite a while to get through all those people but I couldn't find him. So I made a quick prayer and asked God to give me another chance. Let me find him or someone similar. The part of Vancouver I was walking around in is usually lined with beggars and homeless folk at most corners and streets. It's close to Harbour Centre and no doubt, Olympic visitors will visit and see the good and the bad. But on that day, I didn't see a single one. They were normally there but I couldn't find any of them. Funny how that works when you're trying to find a beggar, there are none around but as soon as you stop looking, they are all over the place. It took three tries before I found someone. It must've been quite a sight! A man dressed to the nines in office attire walks over to a guitar-playing beggar with enough food for lunch and dinner complete with a large bottle of juice smack in the middle of corporate downtown! After the encounter, I was refreshed and well awake. I asked God to do whatever He wanted to do to me. A week later, I lost my $46,000 salary job. That's not something to take lightly. But over the course of about three months, He gave me everything I had asked for and more. I got my peace. I got my contentment. I got my joy and happiness and surprisingly, even in times of hurt, there was happiness! It's a complete oxymoron! He even helped me mend my relationship with my family.
You know, I was ready to walk away from it all. I'm 26 in about a month, you're 21. I'm only 5 years older than you which isn't a lot. You have 5 years to go to get to where I'm at and that's not even a guarantee that it will all click in your mind. Maybe it will take you 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, or more! That's a huge chunk of your life wasted away in sorrow, anger, and sadness. Today, I minister to young adults (ages 18-30). Actually, they're more like little kids even the older ones and to think that I was exactly like them. I want to go up to each of them, grab them by the shoulder, and shake them back and forth to tell them they need to snap out of Lala-land. But I can't. Many of them have left the church. Many more have lost or are beginning to lose their faith. Many of them are turning into cynics. Super knowledge of Christ, Christianity, God, and the like is no good if it's not put into practice. Some of these kids are really knowledgeable - more so than I! But they are only knowledgeable in the mind - not the heart. There is a huge difference. You have to live it to know it.
In real life, I would minister to you. I would visit you. I would hang out with you. I would invite you to events. I would call you up to see how you are, take you out to lunch and coffee and slowly share my experiences with you. But I probably don't know you in real life and the great thing about a public forum and an anonymous alias is that I can tell it to you like it is. No fluff, no bunnies - just the cold hard truth. If I've learned anything from the young adults I work with, then I know what you're thinking. It's not you. You have a different story with different circumstances. Guess what? It's still the same sad cycle. Those who came to Christ because of trauma normally stick with Christ all the way to death. Those who grew up with the faith go through it also - similar to the way I went through it. All believers go through a time of self-realization that we are a bunch of worthless cells patched up together un-deserving of salvation and forgiveness and by the way, it is one thing to know those facts, it is another to feel the facts.
If you've read this far then you have a choice. Someone close to your age who has just gone through the same cycle has just told you how it works. You can take it and turn your life around or you can wait and hit rock-bottom and then turn your life around. Either way, you will turn your life around - it just depends on how you want it done - long, painful, and hard or quick, sharp, and easy.
I'm truly sorry that you are going through what you are going through and I do hope that God will give you the healing that you're asking for. People have already given you their love, prayers, and advice. But you need to discern for yourself where you're at. Maybe I got it entirely wrong and you're going through something else. If that's the case, then I apologize. But if I'm not wrong, then know that this was my story. I hope it does not become yours.