6 Weeks before the wedding & now this...

[blue_ladybug]

Odd you calling me a knucklehead. If you had a friend who chose to go and do themselves harm, is your answer to say, go right ahead I can understand what you are going through?

You know what I am really saying, you do not want to admit someone may have a self harm problem and is simply not listening to good advice.

Where do you get SELF-harm from? Obviously you did not read her update where she said HE broke her hand a few days ago, while she was trying to get her stuff. She's in hospital right now. HE broke her hand, SHE didn't. Once again, please learn to read before you answer.. At NO time, has self-harm been the issue here. The issue is her abusive partner..smh

 

[blue_ladybug]

I am astounded at the lack of discernment on this thread. I suppose I shouldnt be. We are in end days where many will say Lord Lord...

Lack of discernment? I'd say the discernment on this thread is spot on. Those of us who warned her what would happen KNEW it would happen and it did. He broke her hand a few days ago. Now she needs surgery for it.

 

[Sirk]

Odd you calling me a knucklehead. If you had a friend who chose to go and do themselves harm, is your answer to say, go right ahead I can understand what you are going through?

You know what I am really saying, you do not want to admit someone may have a self harm problem and is simply not listening to good advice.

Talking to people in tough situations is obviously above your pay grade.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Talking to people in tough situations is obviously above your pay grade.

Peter got what he wanted. He advised her to go back, and look what happened when she did. NEVER take advice on domestic abuse from PeterJens, because he has no clue what he's talking about. He mentioned self-harm here, and self-harm wasn't even the issue presented.. :/

 

[Sirk]

People who abuse others thru the use of violence have lost their humanity and are stealing another human beings personhood. Ironically...just like Islam does.

 

[RememberTheSabbathDay]

I have been living with a man for 6 months. When I moved in I had to move away from my job. He begged and pleaded, so I did, since he promised to take care of me until I found a new job. That didn't take more than 2 weeks. I found a good position. But, when I moved in he asked me to take any money I had left and put it into our new bank account. He said if he was going to be paying my bills, he wanted the rest of my money. I obliged. However, he was spending a lot of money. I saw that the surplus of what I made ...was non existent. No more retirement contribution etc. he said he stopped contributing to his...so he expected the same.

I also have a child from a previous marriage and one day I told him I wanted to give money toward his sports fees. He went nuts. He said we are on a very tight budget and it didn't fit. He even said once...."if you are so up your ex's arse, why don't you go back to him and you and I can just fu*k and I'll be the fun guy." I immediately began crying and said that was mean. He said I like to play the victim and I'm a manipulative game player. So, instead of asking things like that again -- I began taking small amounts of money from my check and putting it back into my solo account and giving money to my child at times like this.

Now, 6 months later, we are about to get married and he went through my purse and found check stubs for this type of thing. He's now demanding to see all my accounts, including my fidelity for the past YEAR. He says that I'm untrustworthy and he can't marry me until he sees this.

The problem is I have about 5k saved for taxes (he spent my tax money and says he will replenish when the tax bill is due). If I show him these accounts, I think he's going to try and take the money. Personally, I'd like to give to my child savings account or something. I know once we are married that becomes both of our money.

Is it fair for him to demand this of me? I have lied to him about the account and the balance because I didn't want him taking any more of my money. Honestly, I have considered leaving him and I wanted to have some money available in case I needed to get my own place fast.

The other issue is my family won't be attending this wedding, because they don't approve. This has been very hard on me. I have cried and he has said it's further proof that I am unstable and not ready for marriage. I said so now you don't want to marry me? He says he does but he thinks "I AM" the one with problems and I need to think deeply about what I really want. He says that he's not going to change and I am often "impossible" to live with.

How fast can u say bury me? because this is where u will end up either physically 6 ft under or in a mental institution, suicide, maybe, just maybe homeless and sitting on the side of the road because u have lost your job because u have lost you mind over a walking corpse. How much advice do u need that it may sink in that the situation was lost when u first thought to shack up together? Do u really believe that God could bless this mess that is getting worse and worse? How did u meet him? What did u know about him prior to meeting him? How much research did u do on this guy prior to meeting him? Its obvious that u didn't pray and wait on God for an answer. but u know God does not stand in our way when we are persistant on going against His will. Do u even care about the damage that this is doing to your child? Children are a lot more savvy in comprehending when something is wrong with a parent.

No matter the advice, u are an adult, so if u stay, just don't complain because u know what to do already..There is no strength in yourself to leave this corpse..so u must have a huge leap of faith in your Heavenly Father to run for your life. Do u remember the story of Joseph who ran from Potifir wife because she was trying to seduce him? His reply to her was, "How can I do this evil to God." Genesis 39:9

For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. Genesis 39:8

 

[Sirk]

Violence for the purpose of control comes in different forms but they all have the same end result ....the murder of another person both spiritually and sometimes even physically.

 

[Sirk]

Violence for the purpose of control comes in different forms but they all have the same end result ....the murder of another person both spiritually and sometimes even physically.

***edit***the same result if a person doesn't choose to stop being the victim.

The mind of man plans his way but God guides his steps. Proverbs 16:9

 

[PeterJens]

Where do you get SELF-harm from?

Self harm is simple. Walk into a situation where you know you will be harmed, stay in the situation out of choice, that is self harm. Guilt, empathy, wanting to pay for the deeds of the past, bad self image, any of these keep the person there, or even to be praised and flattered.

There was a story written about a buddhist monk who was dead for 3 days. He had a vision of heaven. He saw people walking down a road. Everything seemed fine but then someone came out and killed them. This is the broad path that leads to hell, you warn where it will end, and people do not care, they carry on walking.

What is already in this story of someones life. 3 ex-marriages, large amounts of money, emotional abuse and now physical abuse, including living in sin, desparation, loneliness, isolation from family and friends. You can give advice, you can show the warning signs which have happened but then that is it. People have to take responsibility for their sin, all we can do is show empathy and give warnings.

What I do know is the Lord uses us, so I pray confused will repent, get herself right before God, and start to respect herself as much as the Lord loves her.

 

[Sirk]

Self harm is simple. Walk into a situation where you know you will be harmed, stay in the situation out of choice, that is self harm. Guilt, empathy, wanting to pay for the deeds of the past, bad self image, any of these keep the person there, or even to be praised and flattered.

There was a story written about a buddhist monk who was dead for 3 days. He had a vision of heaven. He saw people walking down a road. Everything seemed fine but then someone came out and killed them. This is the broad path that leads to hell, you warn where it will end, and people do not care, they carry on walking.

What is already in this story of someones life. 3 ex-marriages, large amounts of money, emotional abuse and now physical abuse, including living in sin, desparation, loneliness, isolation from family and friends. You can give advice, you can show the warning signs which have happened but then that is it. People have to take responsibility for their sin, all we can do is show empathy and give warnings.

What I do know is the Lord uses us, so I pray confused will repent, get herself right before God, and start to respect herself as much as the Lord loves her.

they're coping mechanisms...and they take a lifetime to learn. Many of them are learned in our formative years. They are neural pathways in our brains that become rutted like a road and the response becomes automatic. They are brought on by stress and insecurities and fears. They are difficult to unlearn and require practice and repetition.... and success builds confidence and trust in God... and that He really does have your best interest at heart.

 

[PeterJens]

Peter got what he wanted. He advised her to go back

Hello blue. I hope confused finds herself and finds the Lord.

What you are saying is hurtful. It is neither true or honouring. You wrote you believed I would be responsible for her death if her partner killed her. Who in your past are you blaming for the choices you made, because there is so much venom there, it has nothing to do with me. Slavery to sin does this to a heart, it sees things that are not there and makes them real.

I suggested confused thought about what an ordinary relationship was and how extreme her current one had become, and how unhealthy and insane it is. But this idea is obviously way above your head or way of being.

Dear Lord help Blue get healing for the miss-advice she took in the past, for mistakes she finds hard to forgive, for betrayal that took away her innocence. Dear Lord, I cry with her, in her sadness and pain. Lord I know your love and how it transforms situations, how victory through your cross is the power of your gospel, may you bring deep revelation of that love to us today in our world full of sin and frustration, Amen

 

[Sirk]

Hello blue. I hope confused finds herself and finds the Lord.

What you are saying is hurtful. It is neither true or honouring. You wrote you believed I would be responsible for her death if her partner killed her. Who in your past are you blaming for the choices you made, because there is so much venom there, it has nothing to do with me. Slavery to sin does this to a heart, it sees things that are not there and makes them real.

I suggested confused thought about what an ordinary relationship was and how extreme her current one had become, and how unhealthy and insane it is. But this idea is obviously way above your head or way of being.

Dear Lord help Blue get healing for the miss-advice she took in the past, for mistakes she finds hard to forgive, for betrayal that took away her innocence. Dear Lord, I cry with her, in her sadness and pain. Lord I know your love and how it transforms situations, how victory through your cross is the power of your gospel, may you bring deep revelation of that love to us today in our world full of sin and frustration, Amen

What a presumptuous rotten thing to say. pssss....hey lets pray for so and so...they are this and that the other thing.

 

[Utah]

I wanna add to this that those of you who have chosen to call this young lady names are no better than the guy who beats her. Emotional/spiritual violence is even more insidious than physical violence. IMO

I'm trying really hard not to get mad at her. If she was minding her own business and everyone gave her uninvited advice then I'd have her back, but she came here seeking advice, was given advice, and chooses not to take that advice. That ticks me off. Again, that said, its not me about me or anyone else; its about her. May God bless her.

 

[Utah]

Sirk, please know I am very weak in this realm of life and would never be deliberately confrontational with you. I need brothers and sisters in the Lord like you to help educate me on this stuff. I have to overcome my emotions on this subject matter in order to see things clearly, and through that clarity, make a positive impact. Til then, I'm just gonna stew in my angst!

 

[Sirk]

Sirk, please know I am very weak in this realm of life and would never be deliberately confrontational with you. I need brothers and sisters in the Lord like you to help educate me on this stuff. I have to overcome my emotions on this subject matter in order to see things clearly, and through that clarity, make a positive impact. Til then, I'm just gonna stew in my angst!

Hey Utah....no worries. We are just different pieces of the body and we can't function without the other. I've done so much work in regards to my own faults.... as far as how I have abused people in my own life and how people who were supposed to love and protect me abused me instead. (for clarification purposes I have never laid my hand on a woman... but I used to say cutting abusive things when my emotions got the best of me. I understand that hurting people hurt people) I am passionate about helping people who are bleeding emotionally. I used to be a walking open wound myself and I know the path I followed to get out of it. I'm just showing people the path that was shown me to the best of my ability... and trying to show the patience that I was afforded. I'd follow you into battle any day of the week my friend.

 

[Utah]

Hey Utah....no worries. We are just different pieces of the body and we can't function without the other. I've done so much work in regards to my own faults.... as far as how I have abused people in my own life and how people who were supposed to love and protect me abused me instead. (for clarification purposes I have never laid my hand on a woman... but I used to say cutting abusive things when my emotions got the best of me. I understand that hurting people hurt people) I am passionate about helping people who are bleeding emotionally. I used to be a walking open wound myself and I know the path I followed to get out of it. I'm just showing people the path that was shown me to the best of my ability... and trying to show the patience that I was afforded. I'd follow you into battle any day of the week my friend.

Amen, Brother. Thanks for your understanding. And no doubt I'd follow you into battle as well. Let's make a difference in some people's lives regarding abusive relationships and how we are to meet them where they need us the most. In the Name of God, let's do it!

 

[jsr1221]

so, I'm here with a bad update. I don't think he's reading here anymore.

As I've mentioned before, he is controlling and emotionally abusive but I never thought he would physically hurt me. He swore he never would.

Well last night I went back for some belongings. He was angry and I began fighting with him ....and tried to leave the house. I had my make up bag in hand and he kept ripping it out of my hands. He was so angry he wasn't listening when I screamed that he had my fingers. He kept yanking.

He broke my hand and my finger is so twisted and deformed I need to have a plate put in it.

When he saw my finger as so deformed he raced me to the hospital. I'm having survey on Monday. He cries every time he looks at it and he's begging me not to leave him. He is so remorseful. He is scared that I will go to the police too.

I am in shock. I love him obviously and I hate to see him in this much guilt/pain. But I realize this is out of control. He swears that he will never fight with me again.

I am so terrified. I am disfigured. The surgeon believes that part will be fixed with the plate, but I will need 2 more surgeries over the next year. And I am in serious pain.

When I cry about it he says that it was an accident and if I didn't want that... I should have let go of my own bag and listened to him.

It's just tough... Because I am in deep pain and the appearance of my hand... I can't even look at.

The highlighted bold shows he is not sorry for what he did.. But he is sorry for the consequences that can take place... Who is to say he won't get angry again and do the same damage to your other hand and finger? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.. Don't buy into his garbage. Leave before it's too late. Have him truly seek counseling, cause it's clear as day he has issues. Don't be another domestic abuse statistic.. Grow a backbone and take a stand and protect yourself.

 

[jsr1221]

What a presumptuous rotten thing to say. pssss....hey lets pray for so and so...they are this and that the other thing.

But... But.. the power of prayer can heal anything?

 

[jsr1221]

Thank you, blue ladybug and the many others here who have been SO supportive.

I am hearing your words and passion and I'm grateful for it. I just went through and read the post from the beginning again. Some of the things he says or does... I forget. That's despite how much they hurt at the time.

It's a pretty sad/riduculous situation that I am allowing. You are correct that this is my fault for standing back and just waiting to make a decision. I think my biggest problem is that I make excuses for him (as you have notated here) and that I see my own faults in the relationship...and because of that, I make concessions.

The truth is I need help ... Myself. I am indecisive, weak, low self esteem... Unmotivated.

What's so crazy is that I have NEVER been described like that before. I was a go getter. Named employee of the year...won many professional awards. I was so driven! Now, I feel like I'm drowning.

The problem here is me. I haven't gotten courage because I'm too weak. But, I am getting the courage.

I am going to believe God wants more for me. And even though it's going to be a series of baby steps...I'm going to remove myself from this toxicity.

I know I can do it....because of the stories you all have shared. Now I just have to BELIEVE I can do it.

So.. Why not actually do something about it finally? You realize all this. Good for you.. Doesn't mean crap if you don't take action starting now to change your life and do something for the better. Otherwise, you're going to be another statistic.

 

[jsr1221]

I'm planning my exit. Trust me. But, report him? It will ruin his career and potentially make him lose his own kids...who he sees every other weekend. He (from what I know) had never hurt anyone physically before. I can tell by his reaction, too.

Aww... Poor baby.. How dare the guy suffer potential consequences for assaulting you..