Big problem with daughter

[Dan58]

This is is a tough group. Thank you to some that offered some comfort and some understanding. I was not the crazy "Sybil mother" just one that wanted the best for her daughter, and one that makes mistakes. It hurts my heart that she is living the way she is. I am not the evil person that some have described. I am also a woman who falls short in her walk with God every day.

When I first talked with her, after finding out, I said some mean things, as did she. I called the next day to apologize for the things I said in anger. She said she understood I was upset and emotional. She accepted my apology but did not offer one for the things she said. She is upset that this happened. It will only get harder for her and that just breaks my heart more.

Yes, it is a very tough group. I suspect that most mothers would support their kid no matter what, so even if your daughter was a serial killer they'd be encouraging you to stand by her. Your daughter has done nothing right, and supporting bad behavior only brings on more of the same. Wanting her to go to school and keep her legs crossed until she got married is not being over-bearing, most parents would have the same hope's for their own daughters. But obviously, your daughter doesn't have your ambition, self-discipline, work ethic, or morals. She was too lazy to finish school or get a job, she may be smart, but not very wise.

So while most want to put your daughter on a pedestal and hang you from the nearest tree, I suspect you only wanted the best for your girl and its difficult to see her take a destructive path towards poverty. While having a grandchild is nice, its got to be very disappointing to watch them grow-up on welfare.

But you do the best you can with kids, and then they're on their own. Its not your fault and you can't change the life she has chosen for herself. It is what it is now. I'd maintain a relationship with her, but don't support her financially. Every decision she makes has consequences, and if you remove those hardships, she'll never grow-up and take responsibility. Talk with her, visit her, but don't compromise your morals. You know she should have taken a better path, but she doesn't care, so lecturing a stubborn girl or staying up all night crying over what could have been is now water under the bridge. Its sad to see your kid make life altering mistakes, but the mistakes are hers to make, just make sure it doesn't interfere with your own marriage.

I'm chiming out now... Advice is free because its usually worth zip .... Good luck

Just a side note; My sister has a 38 year old son, he's a cocaine addict. She exercised this "unconditional love" thing and has supported him no matter what. He has never paid a bill, doesn't own a car, has no job, never left home, etc. Meanwhile my sister got a divorce twice, filed bankruptcy twice, and lost her house, all directly caused by her cokehead son. That's why I have a harsh stance against this "support your child" no matter what hype. Trust me, it has repercussions. jmo

 

[Elizabeth619]

Yes, I am glad Jesus is not like me, aren't we all? I don't know that I agree that if I don't forgive her then He will not forgive me. That would make His love conditional. Thank God He loves us in spite of our weaknesses. It's not really that I don't forgive her, it's more about how much she has hurt us over the years. We only argue and get upset when we talk. My husband and I are happy and get along well except where it concerns our daughter.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15




I don't think you know what unconditional love is. Consider the parable Jesus told about the prodigal son. The mans son acted foolishly, but came back and the father was happy. He was lost, but now he is found. You're not even opening the door for forgiveness with your situation. To love your daughter unconditionally doesn't mean you have to support her sins. It just means you love her though she is not perfect. She is 20, and she is pregnant. Her life is not over because of an innocent life growing inside her. God has a purpose for her, and your grandchild. Please do not shut them out. No matter what decisions your daughter makes she is still your daughter. you are still her mother, and that is something you can never change.


I had a child when I was 20, and I wasn't married. My mother was disappointed, and hurt and believe me she let me know it too. What did my mother do though? She loved me. She hugged me, and she loved her beautiful grandson. If it wasn't for my mothers love I would be lost. We would have been homeless. Please, love your daughter. Don't shut her out. Just love her.

 

[Elizabeth619]

Yes, it is a very tough group. I suspect that most mothers would support their kid no matter what, so even if your daughter was a serial killer they'd be encouraging you to stand by her. Your daughter has done nothing right, and supporting bad behavior only brings on more of the same. Wanting her to go to school and keep her legs crossed until she got married is not being over-bearing, most parents would have the same hope's for their own daughters. But obviously, your daughter doesn't have your ambition, self-discipline, work ethic, or morals. She was too lazy to finish school or get a job, she may be smart, but not very wise.

So while most want to put your daughter on a pedestal and hang you from the nearest tree, I suspect you only wanted the best for your girl and its difficult to see her take a destructive path towards poverty. While having a grandchild is nice, its got to be very disappointing to watch them grow-up on welfare.

But you do the best you can with kids, and then they're on their own. Its not your fault and you can't change the life she has chosen for herself. It is what it is now. I'd maintain a relationship with her, but don't support her financially. Every decision she makes has consequences, and if you remove those hardships, she'll never grow-up and take responsibility. Talk with her, visit her, but don't compromise your morals. You know she should have taken a better path, but she doesn't care, so lecturing a stubborn girl or staying up all night crying over what could have been is now water under the bridge. Its sad to see your kid make life altering mistakes, but the mistakes are hers to make, just make sure it doesn't interfere with your own marriage.

I'm chiming out now... Advice is free because its usually worth zip .... Good luck

Just a side note; My sister has a 38 year old son, he's a cocaine addict. She exercised this "unconditional love" thing and has supported him no matter what. He has never paid a bill, doesn't own a car, has no job, never left home, etc. Meanwhile my sister got a divorce twice, filed bankruptcy twice, and lost her house, all directly caused by her cokehead son. That's why I have a harsh stance against this "support your child" no matter what hype. Trust me, it has repercussions. jmo

I attended a funeral of a 42 year old man who died due to drugs and alcoholism Sunday. It was seriously the saddest funeral I have ever attend(And I have buried my sister, and my father). While people will say he was a piece of crap I learned something about him. He was loved. He loved God but he was sick. He had a disease, and the disease is the result of his death. His mother is a nurse and he died in her driveway. His last words were "momma, momma, please help me". She has saved 1000s of lives, but could not save her sons. Do you have any idea how those words will haunt her for the rest of her days? She is broken now. It took a group effort just to pull her off of her son. After the funeral arrangements were made the man's grandmother was so distraught we had to call an ambulance on her. She could not take the stress of it. Thanks goodness she recovered. This man's daughter recently became engaged. She hung over the casket screaming "get up! get out of there! you're supposed to walk me down the aisle!" This man's 14 year old son wouldn't even leave the casket. While I was standing up there he told me his dad saw someone stranded on the side of the road. He gave them money the help them. His son asked why he did that because they could go off and do who knows what with the money. His alcoholic, drug addicted father replied "Son, what if that was Jesus stranded on the side of the road?" This man had major struggles, but he had a heart of gold.
I told that to tell you this; while we spend alot of time in our lives judging others for their sins, struggles, and weaknesses we never know their heart. Thank goodness the Lord judges a person's heart.

 

[Dan58]

I told that to tell you this; while we spend alot of time in our lives judging others for their sins, struggles, and weaknesses we never know their heart. Thank goodness the Lord judges a person's heart.

Thanks... And I agree with you. I won't go into details, but my nephew isn't quite like the alcoholic you described. He nearly killed my brother-in-law, he lie's, and has stolen money from everyone in the family. We've all tried to help him, and I gave him over $4000 for rehab. My experience demonstrated that all my effort to help him did no good, in fact I became an enabler of his addiction. He's in jail now for 6 months, and I've vowed not to try and help him again when he gets out. If he's got a heart of gold, no ones seen it. Most of the families got restraining orders against him, and for good reasons. I personally don't think he's got a conscience anymore (sociopathic), but as you say, the Lord will judge every persons heart.

 

[Esanta]

Being a cocaine addict should not be compared to having a child and being with a boyfriend your mum doesn't like. Cocaine's illegal, for a start, highly addictive, extremely physiologically harmful and causes people to act completely out of character. Getting pregnant is not addictive, not illegal and certainly not some thing that needs 'fixing'. If older people tend to run around comparing 20 year old women who don't do what momma demands to cocaine addicts, then I can see exactly why our generation is apparently the most rebellious in history.

If people call a girl who has decided to go her own way as someone having done 'nothing right' you only heap on her what she has already thinks of herself - she's not worthy for anything. What will result? Stone cold refusal to listen to you.

I understand wanting the best for your kids, but wanting what's best from your own experiences, desires, perspectives, wants and needs is not knowing what's best for your daughter. She is not you, you are not her and trying to tell her she doesn't know how to make decisions, that she's doing it wrong, or she's irresponsible, rebellious, stupid, can't keep her legs shut, etc etc basically only adds to the impression she keeps getting drilled into her: ''you're not an adult, you're not smart enough to make your own decisions, you don't have the authority to live your own life, you don't have the psyche to work out problems for yourself, no, you're stupid, idiotic and I have absolutely no belief in your ability to do anything, and if you disagree, well you're wrong about that too so you should do what I say and not what you think'.

You'd all demean a girl in that kind of manner, and then you wonder why she makes 'bad' decisions when she gets old enough to make them. Few of you seem to realize that chastising her more won't help her cause, her confidence, her hope, her aspirations or her self belief, nor will it make her relationship with her mum better. It'll do the opposites.

So what the hell's the point?

 

[psychomom]

Jen...if i could do one thing differently with my children, it would be to go back
and give them less Law and more Gospel.

we were afraid ( ), and concluded that if we just could lay down the Law,
they would be "okay".

the Law tells us "do this, don't do that", and you will be loved and accepted.
the Gospel tells us "God in Christ has done this", and so you are loved and accepted.

don't get me wrong, all children need Law. adults do, too.
but when we mix up their job descriptions, we make a huge mistake.
we need to remember that God loved us and sent Christ as our Savior
while we were His enemies.
we were not living as we should...we were totally unable to.

God's Law (as you have given it to your child) has no power to change her heart.
only God's Gospel can do that.

hope that offers some measure of help to you.
~ellie

 

[lav]

it's just sad. much sadder than it needs to be.

it's sad that you don't want to be a part of your own grandchild's life, just because of a choice your daughter made.
it's hard to understand that.
you say most of us are being cruel and cold, but what do you call that ?

why should anyone feel sorry for you over the grandchild... knowing he or she is most likely, at this point, going to grow up knowing they have a grandmother that will have nothing to do with them ?

did you have any grandparents around who loved you ?

i was blessed to have two. after God they have been the best things in my life, alongside my mother.

are you going to continue talking to your daughter, and semi-having a relationship with her, and just pretend her child doesn't exist ?

this is really weird and screwed.

you say we're cruel, you say you deserve to get your feelings out and be comforted, yet you refuse to comfort others who need you most.

how does that work ?

i think we're being honest with you, and sometimes practicing discipline is a form of showing love. you should know all about that.


i never said you were a task-master... but your expectations so far, have surpassed your love.


1 Corinthians 13 English Standard Version (ESV)

The Way of Love

13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. [SUP]2 [/SUP]And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.[SUP]3 [/SUP]If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[SUP][a][/SUP] but have not love, I gain nothing.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant [SUP]5 [/SUP]or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[SUP][b][/SUP] [SUP]6 [/SUP]it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, butrejoices with the truth. [SUP]7 [/SUP]Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
[SUP]8 [/SUP]Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. [SUP]9 [/SUP]For we know in part and we prophesy in part, [SUP]10 [/SUP]but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. [SUP]11 [/SUP]When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.[SUP]12 [/SUP]For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
[SUP]13 [/SUP]So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

 

[meli90]

Jen9,

Wow wow, you remind me how grateful I am of my own mother. She has loved me through all my mistakes(really bad ones) throughout my teenage years and was always on her knees praying for me. And because of that attitude I finally fully repented and surrendered to the Lord. I am 24 married, no children out of wedlock, and come December a college graduate. And believe I've made horrible mistakes that would have led me down the same path your daughter is at. So I believe you played a huge role in your daughters current situation. I can almost assure that throughout your daughter life you were consumed in you career and unless she rendered the attitude and achievements your desired you didn't pay her much attention. Anyways I'm not here to judge, but I sincerely hope the Lord can transform each of your hearts so that you may reconcile with your daughter and forgive her for her shortcomings and that your daughter can learn to honor you. God bless!

 

[MrsClementMelton1122]

What if God gave up on us? What if God disowned us? What if God didn't forgive us for our shortcomings? I don't understand what you're going through however I'm a mother and disowning my child would never be the final answer. I myself was a troubled teen and had my first child at 18. My parents were both addicted to drugs and my grandmother raised me. Though my grandmother gave me unconditional love I couldn't get over the embarrassment and abandonment of my parents. It's easy to give up when you've tried every possible outlet. You have to know that it's not over for your daughter. The way you feel may be justifiable but love her unconditionally. Start fresh and go in with the intent to learn and listen to what your daughter has to say. It's not how to begin the race but how you finish.

 

[Onlyonetruegod]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

I hope you do stay out of your daughters life as she obviously deserves a better than a mother like you. I only hope she does not repeat your mistakes.