Dad watches gay porn

[jogoldie]

Hi, Brokengirl.

It's weird because I feel kind of awkward even giving you advice, so I can imagine how awkward this whole situation must be for you at your end. Here's the thing, though...

I honestly believe that we're accountable to God for the things which we know, so I'm not only going to give you some advice, but I do also think that you have some accountability before God in relation to that of which you're now aware.

Anyhow, here's what I think...

First of all, although it is true that we should always seek to honor our parents (and some might therefore consider that you should just stay out of this), it is also true that Jesus said that anyone who loves their father or mother more than they love Him is not worthy of Him:

"He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37)

IOW, our love for our parents should never trump our love for Jesus and we should therefore always seek to do whatever we believe that Jesus would have us to do in any given situation...come what may. There are actually situations in Jesus' Own life where He placed His Own Father's desires over those of His earthly parents. For example, we read:

Luke chapter 2

[42] And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast.
[43] And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it.
[44] But they, supposing him to have been in the company, went a day's journey; and they psought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance.
[45] And when they found him not, they turned back again to Jerusalem, seeking him.
[46] And it came to pass, that after three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.
[47] And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers.
[48] And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing.
[49] And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?
[50] And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them.
[51] And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them: but his mother kept all these sayings in her heart.
[52] And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

Here, Jesus esteemed "being about His Father's business" to be more important than His Own earthly parents and we ought to always do the same ourselves. Again, along these same lines, we read:

Matthew chapter 12

[46] While he yet talked to the people, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him.
[47] Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee.
[48] But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?
[49] And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
[50] For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Here, Jesus esteemed those who "do the will of my Father which is in heaven" more than he esteemed His Own natural mother or brothers. Anyhow, my point is that we ought to always seek to do what is right in the Father's or Jesus' eyes FIRST AND FOREMOST...which leads me to this question...

What would the Father and/or Jesus have you to do in this situation?

Personally, I cannot imagine that They would have you to do nothing in that doing nothing could potentially hurt your father, your mother, you, any other siblings which you might have and even any other party which your father might potentially engage in homosexual relations with if he truly has been visiting gay porn sites. As such, I'd recommend the following:

Talk to your mother while the two of you are alone and tell her what you've seen. Why while you are alone? Well, I don't know your mother, but she might react immediately and say or do something which she might not do if she has some time to think about it first while your father is not present. Also, I wouldn't tell her what you've seen in an accusatory manner towards your father, but rather in a concerned manner. I'd also recommend that BEFORE either of you (I believe that it's only your mother's place to actually confront your father, btw) confront your father that you check to see if there's some way to retrieve his search history from his iPad FIRST. Why do I suggest the same? Well, even though I don't know anything about your father, I do know quite a bit about general human nature and people are quite apt to deny anything which makes them look bad or guilty and even to, out of desperation, seek to place the blame elsewhere. IOW, in the worst case scenario, your father could potentially seek to place the blame on you and say that you did the searches simply to make him look bad or he could also seek to blame others who might have had access to his iPad. If, however, you have an accurate record of when and at what times such searches were made, then it might be easy to pinpoint your father, assuming that he is in fact guilty, as the one who made the searches himself.

Anyhow, I know that your situation isn't easy, but it's only going to get harder the longer that you just let it sit. I mean, if you do go back to college without doing anything first (and, again, I'm only recommending that you talk to your mother and NOT to your father), then this is just going to continue to weigh heavy upon your heart and mind and your father's situation, assuming that he's actually guilty, is only going to get progressively worse. Think of it as sort of a cancer, if you will...

If you don't treat it in its earliest stages, then...

Anyhow, I see by your profile that you're a Christian and God's grace will ultimately be sufficient for you. At my end, I'll certainly be praying for you all.

This is wise....edifying....and well thought out.....I am in agreeance.........
nicely put my brother........

 

[JesusistheChrist]

This is wise....edifying....and well thought out.....I am in agreeance.........
nicely put my brother........

Believe me, I wrote it with some trepidation and only after I had prayed. I've had multiple situations in my own life as a Christian where God has made me aware of certain things which I didn't want to address and God has had to really deal with me to show me my accountability before Him and, quite frankly, my lack of genuine love for others by not wanting to speak up or to get involved in certain situations. Once, while I was actually sitting in the congregation of a church and listening to the pastor's sermon, as the pastor mentioned the words "unfeigned love", God gave me a vision which literally almost caused me to scream out in anguish (it literally took everything within my own power to not scream out as I recognized my own true heart condition). My vision was as if I was viewing something through the lens of a video camera and what I was seeing before me was appearing from left to right in a panoramic view. Everything that I saw was related to an outdoor backyard scene...

There was green grass, flowers, butterflies, etc., etc....and then I noticed one of those wishing well type things that you might find in someone's backyard. Well, as the wishing well appeared, suddenly, the camera angle changed and I was now looking down inside of the well...AND THE WELL WAS BONE DRY. Immediately, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that that well was representative of my own heart in relation to "unfeigned love" and, again, it literally took everything within me to keep from screaming out in horror as I was made aware of my true heart condition before God.

Prior to this, I was basically the type of guy who never wanted to "make waves" and I therefore rarely ever opened my mouth. Well, ever since, I've learned, from this example and several others just like it, that I'm accountable to God for whatever it is that He reveals to me and that I truly also am "my brother's keeper". IOW, if I really love others, then I'm going to confront them when necessary in relation to different things and even if they're hostile to the same.

Anyhow, one of my favorite portions of scripture in the entire Bible is the following one:

"Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." (Proverbs 27:5-6)

Yes, if we truly are a "friend" to others, then there are simply going to be times when we need to "faithfully wound" them for their own potential good. Or, as I used to do, we could just be "kiss ups"...thereby showing ourselves to truly be their enemies.

Anyhow, somebody has to do something in relation to Brokengirl's father and I've offered the best advice which I presently have. Hopefully, she'll prayerfully consider the same and ultimately do whatever it is that the Lord Himself leads her to do. It's not an easy situation, but Jesus never promised us that our lives would be easy, did He? I know that mine certainly hasn't been easy, but I'm looking forward to rest in the world to come.

 

[Haniml]

....Talk to your mother while the two of you are alone and tell her what you've seen. Why while you are alone? Well, I don't know your mother, but she might react immediately and say or do something which she might not do if she has some time to think about it first while your father is not present....

In my opinion it is not wise to speak to the mother first just because if its just a misunderstanding it would cause some type of division between husband and wife and God doesn't like division.

Secondly, if her dad is engaging in such activities that is something that the husband has to take accountability for and own up to. He needs to address it with his wife, not the mother and daughter confront him, both accusing him.

The daughters only responsibility is her peace of mind and at this point the only way she will have that is if she speaks to her dad, could be along the lines, "Dad I would like to speak to you about something that has been bothering me for a while. I came across at several different times while using your Ipad links to gay porn. I am not accusing you but simply coming to you with something that is affecting me a lot. I would really like you to discuss this with mom because at this point whatever activity you're engaged in is and could potentially affect the entire family. I believe this is something that needs to be discussed among each other. "

It is not the daughters place to address something of this nature to a married couple, and further more I think by her telling the mom would only grieve the mother as oppose to hearing it from the main source, the dad. She shouldn't have to be the bearer of bad news. She doesn't know the underlying issue of why he's viewing such content, if he is.

Anyway just my opinion.

You don't need to use scripture to sugar coat what needs to be done. This will consume her if not addressed to him, at least having him aware that she knows.

What he does next is on him and if he is wise he will confide in his wife, it will eventually come to light and if addressed sooner than later it could potentially save a marriage, her only responsibility is to make him aware that he is caught. She will know by his reaction if he's lying or not. At that point she could let him know that he needs to tell mom.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

You don't need to use scripture to sugar coat what needs to be done. This will consume her if not addressed to him, at least having him aware that she knows.

I never "use scripture to sugar coat" anything. I cited her some verses because she is a Christian herself, this is a Christian site and ultimately because the Words of Christ trump our own words and opinions every time...or at least they should. As such, I simply wanted to give her some examples from the Word of God which confirm that Jesus Himself placed His Father's wants and desires above those of His Own earthly parents because I believe that such is what Brokengirl needs to do herself.

Anyhow, as far as the rest of your post goes, I'm certainly not here to get into any sort of "advice wars" with anybody else and especially not in that the same could potentially add to Brokengirl's already stressful and serious situation. Rather, as I suggested myself already, I'm only hoping that she takes any advice which she receives here prayerfully before the Lord and that she ultimately does whatever it is that the Lord Himself instructs her to do. To that hopeful end, I'm presently praying for her and all others involved.

 

[Haniml]

... ultimately because the Words of Christ trump our own words and opinions every time...or at least they should...

I completely agree I just didn't see how those verses were relevant, because she wasn't questioning how she would put her parents above God. Maybe I just didn't understand your post, idk.

And likewise the last thing i want is to cause anymore stress to her just simply giving her different perspective regarding the situation and of course prayer is her ultimate advice.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

I completely agree I just didn't see how those verses were relevant, because she wasn't questioning how she would put her parents above God. Maybe I just didn't understand your post, idk.

If you go back and read some of the other advice from the first page of this thread, then I think that you might recognize the relevancy of those verses which I cited. IOW, there was some advice given which basically said that it's not her place to address anything concerning her parents' behavior and I was seeking to offset the same by showing where our accountability before God the Father and Jesus should always be our primary concern.

 

[Haniml]

If you go back and read some of the other advice from the first page of this thread, then I think that you might recognize the relevancy of those verses which I cited. IOW, there was some advice given which basically said that it's not her place to address anything concerning her parents' behavior and I was seeking to offset the same by showing where our accountability before God the Father and Jesus should always be our primary concern.

Ok I understand now I apologize for jumping into conclusion.

Sorry, what does IOW mean?

 

[JesusistheChrist]

Ok I understand now I apologize for jumping into conclusion.

Sorry, what does IOW mean?

No worries.

"IOW" is an abbreviated form of "in other words".

Gotta run...have a blessed day in the Lord.

 

[jogoldie]

No one said the mother and daughter was to address the husband together......what is being said is.....the child should give it to the mother to deal with on her own.....as soon as the child goes to the mother.....then the child is released from the whole situation......by not going to the mother.....
you rob this woman the right to have this personal and private issue to deal with how she sees fit......
can't you understand the last thing a young woman....or any woman ....would want or
feel comfortable about talking this type of matter with their father.....
How any discussion like this is inappropriate for a young woman to discuss with a grown man.....
this is what we mothers are for......sneaking around with hurtful secrets.....will not only
be a strain on her relationship with her father......now deceiving secrets are going to strain her
relationship with her mother too.....
This is her mothers life ....the mother deserves to know.....first...
This is not a contest to see who is right......we should be mindful of this OP...and
how impossible this situation seems for her.....and going back and forth like
its a what if situation..or a debate...its not....this is very real to our sister.....she is living this.....
sure wish she posted in the women forum.....this thread would be completely different...
Let's help her ....not give her more confusion..........peace....

 

[Haniml]

No one said the mother and daughter was to address the husband together......what is being said is.....the child should give it to the mother to deal with on her own.....as soon as the child goes to the mother.....then the child is released from the whole situation......by not going to the mother.....
you rob this woman the right to have this personal and private issue to deal with how she sees fit......
can't you understand the last thing a young woman....or any woman ....would want or
feel comfortable about talking this type of matter with their father.....
How any discussion like this is inappropriate for a young woman to discuss with a grown man.....
this is what we mothers are for......sneaking around with hurtful secrets.....will not only
be a strain on her relationship with her father......now deceiving secrets are going to strain her
relationship with her mother too.....
This is her mothers life ....the mother deserves to know.....first...
This is not a contest to see who is right......we should be mindful of this OP...and
how impossible this situation seems for her.....and going back and forth like
its a what if situation..or a debate...its not....this is very real to our sister.....she is living this.....
sure wish she posted in the women forum.....this thread would be completely different...
Let's help her ....not give her more confusion..........peace....

I already addressed my concern to the poster in question, and gave my reasoning. Thank you, though, for your input.

 

[RememberTheSabbathDay]

looking at porn doesn't automatically mean he is having sex with men and getting aids, you're assuming alot, and how do you know the mother knows nothing and isn't dealing with it in her own way.

God can bring this problem to light if he wants to, it isn't a child jobs to be correcting their parents, especially on natures such as this.

As a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7 If a man looks upon a woman and lust after her in his heart he has committed adultery in his heart. Matthew 5:28. If I am assuming, then scriptures are wrong. This is what God says.

 

[cmarieh]

Awww. Jeez. What is this world coming to? I am so sorry for this, but remember that no matter how hard it is to understand, it is not your problem it is his problem. If I were in your shoes, I would ask him one on one that you saw what you saw. And also ask him if he has a problem. And tell him to confess to a clergy or even a therapist because he needs to deal with this and it has become a burden on you. I am certain that he would not want this to burden you any further. It is always important to pray first and maybe ask for help,like you have done here. Just wait and pray. and Good Luck.

 

[ThomistColin]

Instead I looked in his history to see if anything else was there and to my surprise his history was full of gay porn sites.

This is where you went wrong. First, do nothing, its not your business, nor your job to say anything. Also, you should not have looked in his history. This is equal to Noah's son who looked at his father's nakedness. You had no right to search or look further.

 

[Brokengirl]

If you believe I am to say nothing, how do you suggest I deal with the obvious strain on our relationship, the heartache I have, the guilt, and the feeling that I'm lying to my mom and brother? What am I supposed to say when he asks why I'm not talking to him? Or what do I say when I go back to school and I stop calling him or don't answer his calls?

 

[bettypeace]

God hates the sin, but loves the sinner. Say nothing. Pray for your Dad. As upset as you are, you can not judge him. He may be going into the site out of curiosity. But, I don't think he is doing anything outside of the site. He will probably stop. I know it is disgusting to you but, don't judge him. Just stay clean yourself of such things, and put it out of your mind. I'm sure his conscience will catch up with him and he will stop, especially if you pray.

 

[bettypeace]

You are judging him. If you are truly a Christian remember "judge not and you shall not be judged". Jesus said to those that were about to stone Mary Magdalene "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone". Say nothing to your mom and brother. Why are you willing to destroy the family. Pray and talk to your father the same as usual. It is between him and his God. If you tell your mother or brother it could destroy the family unit. Seek professional help. Talk to a Christian psychologist. It is understandable that you can't handle this emotionally by yourself but talk to a professional about it. Don't destroy the family.

 

[Haniml]

How can people suggest not to speak to her dad about what she saw, putting her in an ackward position?

As if dismissing it and acting like everything is fine will solve the problem or remove the strain of thinking, that he may or may not be lying about his sexuality and yes that is problem not only because he's married but according to the word its immoral.
Talking to her dad is not judging, that is called having communication.

And in no way whatsoever does it compare to noahs son looking at him naked, she didnt disrespect her dad on purpose or in any form by looking at the history.

 

[Haniml]

You are judging him. If you are truly a Christian remember "judge not and you shall not be judged". Jesus said to those that were about to stone Mary Magdalene "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone". Say nothing to your mom and brother. Why are you willing to destroy the family. Pray and talk to your father the same as usual. It is between him and his God. If you tell your mother or brother it could destroy the family unit. Seek professional help. Talk to a Christian psychologist. It is understandable that you can't handle this emotionally by yourself but talk to a professional about it. Don't destroy the family.

I would recommend you keep your comments to yourself. She is not destroying a family. Her dad put the family in jeopardy the moment he starting viewing such content, if he is.

 

[Haniml]

Keeping quiet will not save a marriage or keep a family from being destroyed. Only prolonging the inevitable, in any negative type of situation, not just the one shes currently facing. For anyone.

Thats like putting a bandaid on a gash. Please.

 

[dabodab]

Hello Brokengirl, wow you have quite a dilemma. Your anxiety over this is totally understandable. It's clear you are here because you do not want to divulge to anyone you know what you saw on your dads tablet. Also completely understandable.

But consider this: Someone who knows you and your family may be able to help you sort your problem out. What you saw is real, the website history on your dads tablet spelled stuff out and you were surprised and shocked. Who wouldn't be? My heart goes out to you.

It's clear you love your dad. It's also apparent you exercise discretion because you didn't fly off the handle about what you saw. continue your discretion by confiding in someone you trust, such as another family member or family friend, to get direction as to where to go from here. If somehow it comes to light your dad wasnt responsible for the browsing, he will thank you for not telling your mom, and so will your mom.

The result here may not be comfortable, but believe that taking advice about something so important as your situation from a strangers is likely not wise. This is a big deal. Treat it carefully and with love and wisdom in prayer.