Deep pain

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Pilkington

Senior Member
#21
Jan 13, 2015
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#21
If you leave him he still is the kids father.

Yes it is incredibly hard to leave an abusive relationship. Often the reasons for staying seem to outweigh the reasons to leave. However the reasons to leave are more compelling.

You have been given some very good advice about how to go about leaving. The first stage is to plan how to leave, this is a dangerous stage and you need to make sure he does not know as in all likelyhood the abuse will get worse or he will try and stop you. The most important thing is your and the children's safety. It may time to be able to leave but it will be worth it in the end. You will be able to rebuild yourself as a person.

You are in my prayers
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#22
Feb 21, 2014
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#22
CurlyRizado32 said:
I choose my children, of course. If I leave, my kids will lose their father and he's good dad, he really is. I don't want them to have a broken home. I know I'm wrong for being involved with the other man.
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They won't lose their father. They can still visit him. Trust me, someday your kids WILL thank you for taking them out of the toxic, dangerous and unstable environment that they are in.

Which is better for them? To have divorced parents that they both get to spend time with? Or to be forced to stay in an unsafe environment? And what if they turn out to be abusers/the abused someday, because that's the only behavior they've seen and think it's okay to do that to someone else?
 
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LaurenTM

Guest
#23
#23
CurlyRizado32 said:
I choose my children, of course. If I leave, my kids will lose their father and he's good dad, he really is. I don't want them to have a broken home. I know I'm wrong for being involved with the other man.
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no he is not

he is setting an example on how women are treated by men and you are helping him

take this advice: (you won't get better)


Who can blame your hurting heart for wanting attention & texting with someone else? Unfortunately, it's like any other drug of choice (pills, weed, alcohol, porn, adultery, etc.), it's a temporary escape that often has permanent repercussions. You need to face things head on and come up with a wise plan of action immediately.

After all these years of verbal and physical fights, nobody on this forum can offer you much help. I recommend you get counseling ASAP, dear sister. Your 4 children shouldn't have to live in such dysfunction, let alone you and your spouse.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Crisis Text Line

https://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm
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M

Miri

Guest
#24
#24
Wow, one of the things that stood out is when you said no one at church knew, you
didn't want to tell anyone. Are you both going to church putting on a happy family
front.

There must be someone you can tell in confidence and go to for help.
The pastor, an elder, pastor's wife etc.

I would be absolutely horrified if one of my friends was being abused and felt they had to
keep quiet.

I would seriously tell someone in confidence, pick the right person don't just blurt it
out to anyone. Maybe even show them your post on here.

With 4 kids if you decide to leave, you will need help. People will find out anyway but
without them knowing the full facts you will become "that women who left her husband and was
texting another man."

Then your husband will be free to have a relationship with someone else and mess up their
life as well.

You also sound depressed withdrawing from everyone one is a classic sign.

Get the help you need, see a doctor, speak with someone in confidence at church. By keeping
it quiet you are just giving your husband more power over you. You need to take back
some of that power, take back the decision making.

Maybe there is a help line you can ring but do something for the sake of you and your
children. They will be seeing everything went will understand far more than you give them
credit for.

It will effect their future relationships, if you have any sons they may even grow up thinking its
ok to be physically and verbally abusive to their spouse.
 
C

CurlyRizado32

Guest
#25
#25
Last year, I caught my husband looking at porn. I asked him to leave and after a long night of arguing, he did and stayed the night with a friend. He came back the next afternoon.

I told a friend whose husband was a pastor, about the abuse and the porn. She said she was shocked and didn't know that we were going through this. She told her husband and when he called to talk to us, he didn't even acknowledge the abuse, instead he told me I shouldn't tell my husband to leave the house bc we need to work things out.
That is my fear. I feel like bc my husband isn't as violent as he used to be, what if I'm overreacting? My husband doesn't think he abused me bc "I wasn't being beaten like other women". So he never wants to talk about it.
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#26
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
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#26
you are not over reacting abuse is abuse there is no line of a little abuse is okay no abuse is okay you are trying to justify something that is wrong you guys argue pretty loudly and often in from of your children that is abuse. Of course he will deny it and try to minimize it that is what abusers do. You need to soul search and figure out what you want to do. Stop justifying his actions that is not okay. Think about your children is this the life you want for them? I know it is hard to look at the picture when your in it but you need to. This is not okay any of it.
 
W

wwjd_kilden

Guest
#27
#27
It doesn't matter if he is less violent

- He is not allowed to be violent AT ALL
- How do you know he won't get worse?
- If he is willing to break the law, God's law and your trust by hitting you, how do you know he won't hurt the children?
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#28
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
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#28
CurlyRizado32 said:
Last year, I caught my husband looking at porn. I asked him to leave and after a long night of arguing, he did and stayed the night with a friend. He came back the next afternoon.

I told a friend whose husband was a pastor, about the abuse and the porn. She said she was shocked and didn't know that we were going through this. She told her husband and when he called to talk to us, he didn't even acknowledge the abuse, instead he told me I shouldn't tell my husband to leave the house bc we need to work things out.
That is my fear. I feel like bc my husband isn't as violent as he used to be, what if I'm overreacting? My husband doesn't think he abused me bc "I wasn't being beaten like other women". So he never wants to talk about it.
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please re read what you wrote here out loud two times..... If some one where to post this same remark on here that you just posted and asked for your advice what would you say?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#30
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
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#30
Depleted said:
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His side of the story, is that he is an abusive husband who doesn't want to admit it. His side of the story is, that he blames HER for making want to be with somebody else. She's not innocent in this either, but at least we know HER side of the story, and from what she's told us about him so far, it's clear to see what his side of the story is. :/
 
Born_Again

Born_Again

Senior Member
#31
Nov 15, 2014
1,585
129
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#31
blue_ladybug said:
His side of the story, is that he is an abusive husband who doesn't want to admit it. His side of the story is, that he blames HER for making want to be with somebody else. She's not innocent in this either, but at least we know HER side of the story, and from what she's told us about him so far, it's clear to see what his side of the story is. :/
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Um, wow. Yea so I'll agree to an extent with you. And he most likely is what she says he is. But she is also making excuses to not let go of this other guy so there is a bit of an integrity issue here. You seem to have some personal issues you need to tend to before you dish out blame. Plus, you compare a cat to kids. Thats disturbing in its self.
 
Silverwings

Silverwings

Senior Member
#32
Jul 27, 2016
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#32
jenniferand2 said:
I can very much relate to you though on every aspect here. I am still with my abusive husband mostly because i do not have a way to financially support myself right now and I have no family that even talks to me or cares much and bw shelter is out of the question for me as I have two dogs who are my life and I would rather live in a park on a park bench then get rid of my dogs..
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There are people now who fostor dogs, you go thru the humane society to find them, that very well could be your answer to a very complicated situation!
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#33
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#33
Silverwings said:
There are people now who fostor dogs, you go thru the humane society to find them, that very well could be your answer to a very complicated situation!
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yes I could but my dogs are like my children they also help me with depression issues I really do not think I can part with them even for a little bit. The thought of that terrifies me. I also think that they would be so sad also not being with me...
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#34
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#34
I will get there I am safe for now. Working on my school and trying to find part time work and such so I can afford bills on my own.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#35
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
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#35
Born_Again said:
Um, wow. Yea so I'll agree to an extent with you. And he most likely is what she says he is. But she is also making excuses to not let go of this other guy so there is a bit of an integrity issue here. You seem to have some personal issues you need to tend to before you dish out blame. Plus, you compare a cat to kids. Thats disturbing in its self.
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If you knew my situation with my other cat, you'd see why I said that kids added on top would make me nuts. Anyhoo, that doesn't even have anything to do with THIS thread, so stay on topic. :) I'm not dishing out blame, but they're BOTH to blame in this. I know what it feels like to be abused and discarded, so yeah it is personal with me. Would you rather I tell her to stay so she and the kids can be his punching bags? Cuz THAT ain't gonna come out of MY mouth..
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#36
#36
No one should ever touch another person in anger. However the other person should respect personal boundaries and don't "go up in his face" if he is angry.

He "grabs my wrists and moves me out of the way" implies a yelling argument with the woman yells and moving her hands in his face....if that is the case, then the man didn't do anything wrong.

I have seen fights where both are at fault and the woman be the abuser..hitting and throwing things.

I don't know the situation, however based on what has been shared. It hurt your feelings that he said in anger that he wished he was with someone else.

You felt betrayed but also made you think...maybe you want to be with someone else too?

You looked for another man and started an emotional affair with a man who is okay cheating with you and doesn't value marriage.

Now you have a choice...do you want to be with your husband or do you want someone else?
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#37
#37
blue_ladybug said:
His side of the story, is that he is an abusive husband who doesn't want to admit it. His side of the story is, that he blames HER for making want to be with somebody else. She's not innocent in this either, but at least we know HER side of the story, and from what she's told us about him so far, it's clear to see what his side of the story is. :/
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We've been here before. I told you about a husband and wife who have every right to say the other one was bad, and yet, both were. To "advice" without hearing the other side of the story is foolish!
 
Angela_grace

Angela_grace

Senior Member
#38
Jan 3, 2016
196
10
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#38
So, she knew he was abusive before she married him. And married him anyway. Currently, he's been less abusive. The only thing that's triggered this new feeling is that he said he wishes he were with someone else. IMO she should stick it out, get counseling for sure. But she knew what she was getting into when she married him.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#39
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#39
Depleted said:
We've been here before. I told you about a husband and wife who have every right to say the other one was bad, and yet, both were. To "advice" without hearing the other side of the story is foolish!
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Well, YOU give advice all the time. And if it's foolish to give advice w/o hearing the other side of someone's story, then why do ANY of us bother to answer these posts at all? Might as well close down CC, with that thinking. CC is just one big advice column anyway.. lol
 
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LaurenTM

Guest
#40
#40
blue_ladybug said:
Well, YOU give advice all the time. And if it's foolish to give advice w/o hearing the other side of someone's story, then why do ANY of us bother to answer these posts at all? Might as well close down CC, with that thinking. CC is just one big advice column anyway.. lol
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Dear Blue,

do you come in lilac too?

oh...and I really like turquoise..which you seem pretty close to

an admirer....
 
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