Deep pain

[CurlyRizado32]

Hi, I'm Chelsea. When I was 19, I started dating a guy who was physically and verbally abusive. By physically, I mean that he pushed me, pulled my hair, pinched me, and threw items at me and he would call me names, even curse me out. I never left him, bc I felt that he was "the one" and I didn't think I would find anyone else. I didn't want to be alone. We would have good days and horrible days, but I loved him. I kept telling myself that no one is perfect. I wanted to help him. We dated for 3 years and we fought this way for 3 years. We got married and all of this continued. Now we have 4 kids together and he doesn't really physically abuse me anymore. He has pushed me out of the way or grabbed my wrists, but nothing more. We still argue and I feel like he says things worst than before. Things that I never thought he would let come out of his mouth. We were arguing, once, and he told me that sometimes I make him want to be with someone else. I think that's when things started to change for me. I haven't felt the same way since then. We both attend a church regularly and we are involved, but lately, I have been feeling empty. I've begun to withdraw from everyone, even my kids and I'm trying so hard to be a good mother to them but it's hard bc I'm not happy in my marriage. I love my babies, they are my hearts. They make me happy, But I think they are the only reason I stay. I don't have anyone else to talk to bc all of our friends are mutual and attend the church and I don't want them to look at my husband differently or me. I'm definitely not innocent here. To make matters worst, last year I started texting a man. We've been texting, off and on for a year. We've only met up once and we messed around, but no sex. I hate myself bc of this. I don't think he's attracted to me, but he keeps texting and I text him back. I'm sorry for the long message, I just don't know what else to do.
Thank you.

 

[tourist]

I believe that the reason you started to text this guy is because you are very unhappy and lonely in your marriage. It sounds also that you may be disillusioned with your marriage. I can understand the texting but this is inappropriate for a married woman and you should avoid this.

Attending church together does guarantee a relationship that is not abusive. Pushing you out of the way and grabbing your wrist is still physical abuse. Apparently, your husband still has anger issues that must be dealt with.

As you have 4 kids you are probably not financially able to separate from your husband as that may be beneficial for your safety and peace of mind.

I have said a prayer for your situation. Believe me, it is not unique.

Hopefully this site can become a safe haven for you to retreat to for comfort and support. Welcome to CC.

 

[jenniferand2]

Hi, I'm Chelsea. When I was 19, I started dating a guy who was physically and verbally abusive. By physically, I mean that he pushed me, pulled my hair, pinched me, and threw items at me and he would call me names, even curse me out. I never left him, bc I felt that he was "the one" and I didn't think I would find anyone else. I didn't want to be alone. We would have good days and horrible days, but I loved him. I kept telling myself that no one is perfect. I wanted to help him. We dated for 3 years and we fought this way for 3 years. We got married and all of this continued. Now we have 4 kids together and he doesn't really physically abuse me anymore. He has pushed me out of the way or grabbed my wrists, but nothing more. We still argue and I feel like he says things worst than before. Things that I never thought he would let come out of his mouth. We were arguing, once, and he told me that sometimes I make him want to be with someone else. I think that's when things started to change for me. I haven't felt the same way since then. We both attend a church regularly and we are involved, but lately, I have been feeling empty. I've begun to withdraw from everyone, even my kids and I'm trying so hard to be a good mother to them but it's hard bc I'm not happy in my marriage. I love my babies, they are my hearts. They make me happy, But I think they are the only reason I stay. I don't have anyone else to talk to bc all of our friends are mutual and attend the church and I don't want them to look at my husband differently or me. I'm definitely not innocent here. To make matters worst, last year I started texting a man. We've been texting, off and on for a year. We've only met up once and we messed around, but no sex. I hate myself bc of this. I don't think he's attracted to me, but he keeps texting and I text him back. I'm sorry for the long message, I just don't know what else to do.
Thank you.

first and foremost your children are seeing this behavior and you can bet chances are your sons if you have any will be womanizing abusive men when they get older why because this is the pattern they are seeing everyday second if you have daughters they will grow up thinking it is okay for a guy to treat them like your being treated and not think anything about it when they get in future relationships. MY advice to you is to separate from your husband take your children to live in a safe place. Go to battered woman meetings where you can meet other woman who are and have gone through with this This guy is not going to change he has no reason to change at this point. If you leave him and he wants you back he needs to step up to the plate and get help to change his ways. I have also lived through this type of situation and I removed my children from the abuse as soon as i knew it was never going to stop. MY story is long one so i will just leave it at that for now.. But you a the mother to these kids they do not get to choose right now to leave or stay and watch this abuse go on you are the one that needs to stick up for them and say hey this is not okay for my children to see. Love does not hurt Love is not unkind what you feel is not true love in a sense. If anything I think you feel more guilty then love I may be way of base on that though. Also until you get some kind of feed back through a therapist or something chance are you will fall for the same type of guy again. Abusers are very very smart and they know how to work magic to bring woman in we as woman who have been abused need to be aware of all the red flags and sometimes they are so good you do not even notice the flags until after they have their hooks in you.... Please if nothing else separate from him for your children sake give them a fighting chance at a better child hood then seeing you being abused and treated poorly also put guy number two on hold that is a bad idea there all in it s own.. You need to heal you and your children and figure out what to do with your current relationship and then after time move on.... the worst thing you can do is bring another guy in to these kids lives eventually that may not be there forever. My mother had a revolving door of men was horrible one guy in one guy out my head spun with the changes I am not saying you would do this by any means I am just trying to let you know how it effects children... I will pray that God gives you strength and courage to stand up for you and your children and guides you down avenues to heal you and your children

 

[jenniferand2]

I can very much relate to you though on every aspect here. I am still with my abusive husband mostly because i do not have a way to financially support myself right now and I have no family that even talks to me or cares much and bw shelter is out of the question for me as I have two dogs who are my life and I would rather live in a park on a park bench then get rid of my dogs..

 

[blue_ladybug]

First of all, your wall of text is very hard to read. Could you please use paragraphs next time?


You need to stop texting this guy. You're married, regardless of whether you're happy or not. So, the next time he texts you, ignore the text and block him.

You knew what kind of monster hubby was before you even married him. He physically abused you, which SHOULD have set off gigantic red flags for you. :/ You should have dropped him like a hot tamale, and run the other way and called off the wedding. Even if you only "messed around" with the guy you've been texting, that is a form of adultery. God says if you look upon another person with lust in your heart, you have already committed adultery with that person.

I think you and hubby need help of some kind. Is he willing to go to counseling? Abusive men rarely stop abusing their partners. You say he still pushes you, well, that's physical abuse. What if he pushes you really hard, and you fall onto some furniture and get injured? How many times are you gonna let him treat you like a punching bag?! Not to mention, you're putting your kids in danger by staying with him. In the long run, you will hurt them more, if you stay with him. They know what's going on, kids are very smart and perceptive. They see and hear more than we think they do. Do you want them growing up thinking that it's okay to treat and be treated like that? You say you stay with him ONLY for the kids. Do what's best for them and take them out of this train wreck in progress. Your husband's temper is a pressure cooker getting ready to blow, and when it does, do you want you or the kids to be his target? Give that some serious thought.

 

[jenniferand2]

P.S. please dont be me and be with this guy for 20 plus years wasting your life away. it gets much much harder to leave the longer this goes on. I am going to tell you to do the best you can to get away from this. He will most likely not change with out the help of a professional.

 

[jenniferand2]

I have heard the I am going to change song and dance so many times it is not funny. Guess what no change

 

[blue_ladybug]

I have heard the I am going to change song and dance so many times it is not funny. Guess what no change

Yeah, I've heard it before too. "Please baby, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again." Until the NEXT time it happens. :/ Broken record on repeat..

 

[blue_ladybug]

P.S. please dont be me and be with this guy for 20 plus years wasting your life away. it gets much much harder to leave the longer this goes on. I am going to tell you to do the best you can to get away from this. He will most likely not change with out the help of a professional.

No guarantee he WILL change, even WITH the help of a professional. Abusers abuse because they like to feel that they're in control..

 

[jenniferand2]

I do not even hear I am sorry I will never do it again anymore. I just get the brunt of what ever then go isolate. On the plus side I am sick of being treat poorly...


please if you do leave which we all think you should really do you need to get a safety plan together to do this do not mess around thinking you do not need one woman have lost their lives leaving abusive men I do not say this to scare you because it can be done Please call you batter womans shelter they will help you with a plan to leave safely I can not stress enough a guy who has a temper like his needs to be taken very seriously as a threat better to take him as a threat and over react then not and under react..

 

[AuntieAnt]

Hi, I'm Chelsea. When I was 19, I started dating a guy who was physically and verbally abusive. By physically, I mean that he pushed me, pulled my hair, pinched me, and threw items at me and he would call me names, even curse me out. I never left him, bc I felt that he was "the one" and I didn't think I would find anyone else. I didn't want to be alone. We would have good days and horrible days, but I loved him. I kept telling myself that no one is perfect. I wanted to help him. We dated for 3 years and we fought this way for 3 years. We got married and all of this continued. Now we have 4 kids together and he doesn't really physically abuse me anymore. He has pushed me out of the way or grabbed my wrists, but nothing more. We still argue and I feel like he says things worst than before. Things that I never thought he would let come out of his mouth. We were arguing, once, and he told me that sometimes I make him want to be with someone else. I think that's when things started to change for me. I haven't felt the same way since then. We both attend a church regularly and we are involved, but lately, I have been feeling empty. I've begun to withdraw from everyone, even my kids and I'm trying so hard to be a good mother to them but it's hard bc I'm not happy in my marriage. I love my babies, they are my hearts. They make me happy, But I think they are the only reason I stay. I don't have anyone else to talk to bc all of our friends are mutual and attend the church and I don't want them to look at my husband differently or me. I'm definitely not innocent here. To make matters worst, last year I started texting a man. We've been texting, off and on for a year. We've only met up once and we messed around, but no sex. I hate myself bc of this. I don't think he's attracted to me, but he keeps texting and I text him back. I'm sorry for the long message, I just don't know what else to do.
Thank you.

Who can blame your hurting heart for wanting attention & texting with someone else? Unfortunately, it's like any other drug of choice (pills, weed, alcohol, porn, adultery, etc.), it's a temporary escape that often has permanent repercussions. You need to face things head on and come up with a wise plan of action immediately.

After all these years of verbal and physical fights, nobody on this forum can offer you much help. I recommend you get counseling ASAP, dear sister. Your 4 children shouldn't have to live in such dysfunction, let alone you and your spouse.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Crisis Text Line

https://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm

 

[Ariel82]

Don't jump into a relationship with another guy. Most guys who will "mess around" with a married woman aren't worth keeping. They are just users and abusers too. Maybe better behaved until you don't give them what they want.

Instead focus with finding a domestic abuse shelter you and your kids can go to and make plans to run and never go back.

If you still think there is hope, still find a way to be independent and make it your choice to stay. Make him go to anger management counseling.

 

[CurlyRizado32]

Thank you to everyone who has responded and who said they would pray for us. I do believe people can change. He used to watch porn, but he got counseling and it's been at least 4-5 months since he's looked. I'm just so confused. I guess after hearing so many apologies over the years, I don't hear them anymore. I always thought I forgave my husband but I guess I didn't.

I am not playing victim. I am just as guilty bc of my actions/texting with this other guy. I agree that I need to end the texting with him. My problem is that I don't want to.

 

[DaretobeHis]

Hi Chelsea
You are not in an easy place. You have certainly made things worse by messing around with someone other than your husband. Never does two wrongs make a right. Your husband has his issues but so do you. No getting around that. What your husband has been doing is very wrong and you don't deserve to be treated like that. What you have done is also wrong. You need to go before God with this. You guys may very well need a counselor. In all this know that Jesus loves you and wants to heal your broken heart...your husband's too.

 

[jenniferand2]

not to be rude with you but you can not have it both ways you need to end your relationship with one of these guys. And three months clean of watching porn is not really anything to celebrate. Also you would not have wondered to text guy if your husband treat you respectfully like you deserved to be. you are making excuses for his bad behavior which is typical of an abused woman....stop making excuses and make things better for you and your children

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you to everyone who has responded and who said they would pray for us. I do believe people can change. He used to watch porn, but he got counseling and it's been at least 4-5 months since he's looked. I'm just so confused. I guess after hearing so many apologies over the years, I don't hear them anymore. I always thought I forgave my husband but I guess I didn't.

I am not playing victim. I am just as guilty bc of my actions/texting with this other guy. I agree that I need to end the texting with him. My problem is that I don't want to.

Your problem is your abusive husband. Apparently, you want your cake and to eat it too, since you're unhappily married but don't want to stop texting your side dish. You need to choose either your lousy, and seemingly loveless marriage, OR be with ANOTHER guy who doesn't care about you, OR do something about it and get out of this sham of a marriage to your abuser. Your kids deserve to grow up in a more stable environment than this one, because it is toxic to all who remain in it.

His apologies are insincere, and you know it. If he truly was sorry, he wouldn't keep abusing you. There comes a time when all you can do is turn him over to God, and walk away. If he's not willing to change his abusive ways, then even God won't help him. God won't force him to change. Like Ariel said, the guy you're texting must like to play around. I wonder how many side dishes he has, that he is stringing along.

 

[DaretobeHis]

You don't want to end texting another guy in your life??? You are OK then with having an emotional affair?? You guest you thought you forgave your husband but you guess you haven't. Not that I'm not sympathetic to your pain but sometimes we give the enemy legal right to mess up our life. I sympathize with you for sure but start taking responsibility for your life. It's not just up to your husband. It takes one person to start the process to change. Will you allow God to use you. You want change then start being the change you want to see in your man.

 

[DaretobeHis]

Believe me, I'm working on using my own advice

 

[Ariel82]

If the choice was between the health of your children and texting this other guy, who would you choose?

It's spiritually unhealthy for you to commit adultery. It affects not only your life but your husband and children too.

Make a choice..stay with your husband or leave him. Either way don't run to this other guy. It's just gonna be trouble if you do.

 

[CurlyRizado32]

I choose my children, of course. If I leave, my kids will lose their father and he's good dad, he really is. I don't want them to have a broken home. I know I'm wrong for being involved with the other man.