Divorce?

[kaylagrl]

I’m pretty convinced after one session I would get a divorce. My wife can’t take any criticism whatsoever. Everything is my fault. Always has been, always will be. I can assure you no therapist will convince her otherwise.

Maybe, but maybe they could help her. As I said,they have ways of approaching people so as to help them,not to lay blame. Worth a try rather than living in misery.

 

[LadyInWaiting]

I’m pretty convinced after one session I would get a divorce. My wife can’t take any criticism whatsoever. Everything is my fault. Always has been, always will be. I can assure you no therapist will convince her otherwise.

Isn't that considered emotional abuse? Where EVERYTHING is your fault? It's like walking on eggshells and when you try to bring some problem up, they immediately blame everything on you?
I'm sorry, brother. I've been there with an ex-boyfriend. It's rough. I can't imagine having to share a whole life with someone like that.

 

[Hungry]

Just an honest question,what made your wife lose her joy? Does she know? If neither of you know you need to find out. She might surprise you. When you go for help they don't lay blame,they help you work on yourself. They might well help your wife be a happier person.

That’s a big might. Perhaps it’s the delusion she clings to so adamantly that prevents her from killing herself. She has no self esteem. All of her worth is from outside of herself. She could use counseling, no doubt. Maybe you could tell her, I tried. Not the outcome I was hoping for.

 

[Hungry]

Isn't that considered emotional abuse? Where EVERYTHING is your fault? It's like walking on eggshells and when you try to bring some problem up, they immediately blame everything on you?
I'm sorry, brother. I've been there with an ex-boyfriend. It's rough. I can't imagine having to share a whole life with someone like that.

There’s a lot invested. God is with me every step of the way.

 

[kaylagrl]

That’s a big might. Perhaps it’s the delusion she clings to so adamantly that prevents her from killing herself. She has no self esteem. All of her worth is from outside of herself. She could use counseling, no doubt. Maybe you could tell her, I tried. Not the outcome I was hoping for.

I'm no professional... but it sounds to me like something in your wife's past,in her upbringing caused her to have low self esteem. That's not a normal way to be. And it's not healthy. If she went for help she could maybe find the key as to why she has no self esteem. You can't help her. She doesn't realize it, but all your love,attention and affection is a drop in a bucket. It will mean nothing to her if she has a self truth of low self esteem. She needs to find that within herself, no one can do that for her. With God's help and counseling she could be whole and happy again and so could you.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

I disagree with divorce but there comes a time when it is a necessity. She is not trying to change her husband,she is reaching out and asking him to help fix their relationship. She has begged him to go for help. God doesn't expect a person to stay in an abusive marriage, whether physical or emotional. This woman has tried for ten years to fix their relationship and her husband refuses. We need a little less of blaming the woman here and little more of saying the man needs to step up,take responsibility for his part in the relationship and go for help.

In not blaming her but to be fair we are only hearing her part of the story either way I'm no one to judge anyone. My brothers friend wife divorced him for not paying enough attention and not being thier when the man worked 60 hours in construction and his grandma was sick. My guy was pained.Look OP we are all free to do whatever we want . God gave us free will. Do as you please. I honestly wish nothing but happines to you we share faith in God and that's enough for me to wish nothing but love to you but All I'm saying is be careful because the Bible makes it clear on what to do or what not to do . Sometimes we tend to twist up a word or two to make it fit our actions. May God be with you and your husband and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wish nothing but happiness to you and your husband.

 

[Hungry]

I'm no professional... but it sounds to me like something in your wife's past,in her upbringing caused her to have low self esteem. That's not a normal way to be. And it's not healthy. If she went for help she could maybe find the key as to why she has no self esteem. You can't help her. She doesn't realize it, but all your love,attention and affection is a drop in a bucket. It will mean nothing to her if she has a self truth of low self esteem. She needs to find that within herself, no one can do that for her. With God's help and counseling she could be whole and happy again and so could you.

She is aware she has low self esteem. She even knows that she needs counseling. She just thinks I need it more.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

Wow that is so sad...I have a family member who is going through the same exact thing right now. All the man does is eat and watch tv while she works longer hours and raises the kids. It's insane!
You know how they say Christians can only get a divorce if they commit adultery? Well doesn't the man in your example commit adultery in a different form? By choosing tv, food and basically his fleshy desires over his own family. Maybe I'm wrong for saying this and I hope God tells me if I am wrong...but I really do think that that is grounds for divorce too. He is cheating on her just in a different sort of way.

I would be careful on saying certain things. I'm not sure either and may god correct me if I'm wrong also but if my wife slept with my best friend I'm pretty sure it's different than her reading a lot or eating a lot. Careful when you preach because God hates divorce and adultry. I could be wrong and you could be 100 percent correct but if someone takes your word for it and in God's eyes it's wrong then idk wouldn't that be false preaching. Anyways just throwing it out there.

 

[kaylagrl]

She is aware she has low self esteem. She even knows that she needs counseling. She just thinks I need it more.

Well that is a pity. All she is doing is hurting herself and you in the process. A marriage can't work without both being willing to work at it and change where it is needed.

 

[LadyInWaiting]

I would be careful on saying certain things. I'm not sure either and may god correct me if I'm wrong also but if my wife slept with my best friend I'm pretty sure it's different than her reading a lot or eating a lot. Careful when you preach because God hates divorce and adultry. I could be wrong and you could be 100 percent correct but if someone takes your word for it and in God's eyes it's wrong then idk wouldn't that be false preaching. Anyways just throwing it out there.

Woah woah woah...I never said I was preaching. I'm a woman...I can't preach!
But seriously, I wasn't preaching. I was mostly just discussing something and I even asked Kaylagirl about this. Yes I agree that reading and eating too much is very different from committing adultery. But I meant it as an all together type of thing. The man in the story that Kaylagirl was talking about had pretty much given up on even trying. I was merely having a small DISCUSSION on how that could possibly be a form of adultery.
I even said that if I'm wrong (because I could be wrong) then I want God to show me. So if anyone takes what I said as preaching or as truth, then they misinterpreted me completely.

 

[Dino246]

I would be careful on saying certain things. I'm not sure either and may god correct me if I'm wrong also but if my wife slept with my best friend I'm pretty sure it's different than her reading a lot or eating a lot. Careful when you preach because God hates divorce and adultry. I could be wrong and you could be 100 percent correct but if someone takes your word for it and in God's eyes it's wrong then idk wouldn't that be false preaching. Anyways just throwing it out there.

LiW already addressed this, but I'd like to offer another perspective. This is a discussion forum. Everyone here has the freedom (and, indeed, the responsibility) to weigh what is written against Scripture. When someone is continually posting the same (or similar) message, that might be considered "preaching". When someone mentions an idea once or twice, it can hardly be considered such.

There are many people on here, all at different levels of understanding, faith, and ability. If we were to hold everyone to the standard of Ephesians 4 Teacher, this site would cease to exist in a hurry. Let's be gracious with one another, striving to understand first and then, where it is warranted, questioning, challenging, or criticizing.

By the way, although discussions do get heated here in the Family forum at times, the Bible Discussion forum is usually the place where people express strong opinions. That way, the rest of the site remains friendly and edifying.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

Woah woah woah...I never said I was preaching. I'm a woman...I can't preach!
But seriously, I wasn't preaching. I was mostly just discussing something and I even asked Kaylagirl about this. Yes I agree that reading and eating too much is very different from committing adultery. But I meant it as an all together type of thing. The man in the story that Kaylagirl was talking about had pretty much given up on even trying. I was merely having a small DISCUSSION on how that could possibly be a form of adultery.
I even said that if I'm wrong (because I could be wrong) then I want God to show me. So if anyone takes what I said as preaching or as truth, then they misinterpreted me completely.

Aight I respect that but I'm saying that God ain't going to come to you and say yo your wrong . That's why he left a the Bible and in the Bible examples of adultry are given plenty of them. None of them match this thats all I'm saying . I like the way you speak tho and your use of emojes. Your a cool person I can tell.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

LiW already addressed this, but I'd like to offer another perspective. This is a discussion forum. Everyone here has the freedom (and, indeed, the responsibility) to weigh what is written against Scripture. When someone is continually posting the same (or similar) message, that might be considered "preaching". When someone mentions an idea once or twice, it can hardly be considered such.

There are many people on here, all at different levels of understanding, faith, and ability. If we were to hold everyone to the standard of Ephesians 4 Teacher, this site would cease to exist in a hurry. Let's be gracious with one another, striving to understand first and then, where it is warranted, questioning, challenging, or criticizing.

By the way, although discussions do get heated here in the Family forum at times, the Bible Discussion forum is usually the place where people express strong opinions. That way, the rest of the site remains friendly and edifying.

Okay my apologies .thanks

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

Woah woah woah...I never said I was preaching. I'm a woman...I can't preach!
But seriously, I wasn't preaching. I was mostly just discussing something and I even asked Kaylagirl about this. Yes I agree that reading and eating too much is very different from committing adultery. But I meant it as an all together type of thing. The man in the story that Kaylagirl was talking about had pretty much given up on even trying. I was merely having a small DISCUSSION on how that could possibly be a form of adultery.
I even said that if I'm wrong (because I could be wrong) then I want God to show me. So if anyone takes what I said as preaching or as truth, then they misinterpreted me completely. [/QUOTE
Also I apologise If I came across as agreissive or If I put words in your mouth it was not on purpose. I'm sorry ☺️

 

[Nehemiah6]

Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do?

As far as God is concerned, divorce is never the right thing to do, unless the spouse committed adultery, and this is known for a fact. (And I do not fall into either of those categories you have mentioned at the start).

Obviously no one can assist you in this dilemma over the Internet. However, if you and your husband are Christians and affiliated with a local church, it is high time you both made the effort to seek counsel from the pastors and/or elders. They are supposed to be shepherds watching over the welfare of your souls.

But the matter must be (a) discussed in the strictest confidence and the counselors must verbally commit to this, (b) both spouses must be totally honest and transparent and let out all the *dirty laundry*, and (c) there must be a genuine desire to resolve all conflicts and restore a loving and trusting relationship.

But neither party can assume that the fault is exclusively on one side. And each one should have loved the other at the start to begin with (unless it was an arranged marriage, which can also work out as many do).

 

[AxeElf]

Humm something odd in the post. I can only see your reply and not mine so I'm going to try and wing it here.

1. I don't see where you didn't blame her. Nor do I see where you said he has any responsibility. All I see is you saying she's selfish and that is a judgement call.

You said that I said that she was 100% responsible for the marriage problems, and I did not. I cannot talk about his responsibility because he is not here and I have not heard his side of the story. I can only talk to the person who is here, based on what she has presented in her own posts. I can see from the thread so far that she is not interested in understanding how her own selfishness may be contributing to the problems, she is only interested in having people give her hugs and assure her that she deserves better and shouldn't have to live like this any more.

So--I've given my perspective as a Christian professional in the field of family relationships, and it's not what she wanted to hear, so I'm out...

Happy divorcing.

 

[Angela53510]

This kind of emotional neglect by the OPs husband is a terrible form of abuse. She should have walked away in the first year, but instead, she tried to help her husband, honour and respect him for 10 long years.

The personality change alone, says a great deal about how mentally ill her husband is. He either has a personality disorder, Dissociative Identity Disirder (maybe not enough alters?) or a mild form of psychopathology. They don't care a bit about others people's feelings, and one doesnt have to be serial killer to be a psychopath.

Someone else suggested depression. But, he won't see a doctor, get a diagnosis and treatment, yet some of you vote for her to live with this emotional abuser another 40 or 50 years? I'd like to see some of you self-righteous people live a month with a person like this, especially when they pretended to be something else before he married her.

I think you have done your best. God does not expect anyone to live with a cold, selfish, emotionally unavailable person. I know "abuse" is not grounds for divorce in the Bible. Perhaps abuse wasn't an issue in the Old or New Testament times? People lived short life spans, especially women who died often in childbirth. They lived close together, and the women talked, they knew about all the issues in their community. The older women may have had some ideas how to change things. Certainly, most men don't want their neighbours to hear them beating up their wife. So, abuse is not mentioned. Or, perhaps Jesus had to fulfill the law, before he could change it.

In turn, find me one place in the Bible it says an abused woman must stay with her husband. Because the husband of the OP is not a Christian, she is free to leave. Although she has not really answered whether she is a Christian. And, if what she says about the husband is true, he gives no evidence or fruits he has been saved by God.

I would urge you to leave this man. You are a mess, and you need to spend a couple of years recovering from this loveless marriage, and rebuilding who you are, with the help of God.

 

[Hungry]

This kind of emotional neglect by the OPs husband is a terrible form of abuse. She should have walked away in the first year, but instead, she tried to help her husband, honour and respect him for 10 long years.

The personality change alone, says a great deal about how mentally ill her husband is. He either has a personality disorder, Dissociative Identity Disirder (maybe not enough alters?) or a mild form of psychopathology. They don't care a bit about others people's feelings, and one doesnt have to be serial killer to be a psychopath.

Someone else suggested depression. But, he won't see a doctor, get a diagnosis and treatment, yet some of you vote for her to live with this emotional abuser another 40 or 50 years? I'd like to see some of you self-righteous people live a month with a person like this, especially when they pretended to be something else before he married her.

I think you have done your best. God does not expect anyone to live with a cold, selfish, emotionally unavailable person. I know "abuse" is not grounds for divorce in the Bible. Perhaps abuse wasn't an issue in the Old or New Testament times? People lived short life spans, especially women who died often in childbirth. They lived close together, and the women talked, they knew about all the issues in their community. The older women may have had some ideas how to change things. Certainly, most men don't want their neighbours to hear them beating up their wife. So, abuse is not mentioned. Or, perhaps Jesus had to fulfill the law, before he could change it.

In turn, find me one place in the Bible it says an abused woman must stay with her husband. Because the husband of the OP is not a Christian, she is free to leave. Although she has not really answered whether she is a Christian. And, if what she says about the husband is true, he gives no evidence or fruits he has been saved by God.

I would urge you to leave this man. You are a mess, and you need to spend a couple of years recovering from this loveless marriage, and rebuilding who you are, with the help of God.

After reading this all I can think of is Leah, who suffered a lifetime. If God thought a loveless marriage was grounds for divorce then maybe He wouldn’t have made Jacob, such a prominent forefather. Actually He is Israel. Just a thought.

 

[Hungry]

This kind of emotional neglect by the OPs husband is a terrible form of abuse. She should have walked away in the first year, but instead, she tried to help her husband, honour and respect him for 10 long years.

The personality change alone, says a great deal about how mentally ill her husband is. He either has a personality disorder, Dissociative Identity Disirder (maybe not enough alters?) or a mild form of psychopathology. They don't care a bit about others people's feelings, and one doesnt have to be serial killer to be a psychopath.

Someone else suggested depression. But, he won't see a doctor, get a diagnosis and treatment, yet some of you vote for her to live with this emotional abuser another 40 or 50 years? I'd like to see some of you self-righteous people live a month with a person like this, especially when they pretended to be something else before he married her.

I think you have done your best. God does not expect anyone to live with a cold, selfish, emotionally unavailable person. I know "abuse" is not grounds for divorce in the Bible. Perhaps abuse wasn't an issue in the Old or New Testament times? People lived short life spans, especially women who died often in childbirth. They lived close together, and the women talked, they knew about all the issues in their community. The older women may have had some ideas how to change things. Certainly, most men don't want their neighbours to hear them beating up their wife. So, abuse is not mentioned. Or, perhaps Jesus had to fulfill the law, before he could change it.

In turn, find me one place in the Bible it says an abused woman must stay with her husband. Because the husband of the OP is not a Christian, she is free to leave. Although she has not really answered whether she is a Christian. And, if what she says about the husband is true, he gives no evidence or fruits he has been saved by God.

I would urge you to leave this man. You are a mess, and you need to spend a couple of years recovering from this loveless marriage, and rebuilding who you are, with the help of God.

I guess I had a few more thoughts. What is the measure of when something can be deemed abusive? Perhaps she doesn’t like the shows, he does and criticizes them or wants to change the program when they watch together. Maybe she rages and he doesn’t think she will be a great mother. Maybe half the time he wants a divorce but he thinks it will financially break him so he avoids her. Maybe he can relax when she isn’t around and feels worse when she’s home because of her constant dependence. Maybe the three times he went to counseling she got worse and kept bringing up what the therapist told him to work on and neglected her part. Maybe her hormones are out of whack and he really can’t do anything right so he just stopped trying. It’s easy to point the finger and say he’s abusing her but maybe you just pulled the trigger on this loaded gun. Maybe she came to a Christian website hoping someone would absolve her of the guilt of her wanting to finally leave and find someone else to cling to. We really have no idea why her husband doesn’t love her, if in fact he doesn’t. Maybe she’s abusive. The point is, giving advice for someone to divorce is like someone standing on a ledge of a three story building and you tell them to jump. Maybe it won’t kill them but there will be a lot of pain to deal with, especially if the building isn’t on fire.

 

[Homewardbound]

When my first marriage dissolved, the LAST thing I wanted was another relationship.
I ended up being sour over any kind of relationship. Friends, church, etc. Divorce takes a lot out of a person.
Like others have eluded to, it will take a lot of time and healing to get through. IT IS NO FUN!!!
But the release from mental bondage and abuse, over time, will finally kick in, and starting over can begin.
Be watchful, be vigilant, and guard your heart from bitterness and unforgiveness during a divorce.
I'm praying for you too.