Do I stay or not?

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M

Miri

Guest
#21
#21
Maybe others would disagree, but at 20 you are still very young.
Marriage to anyone is a big commitment and I would say this even
if the man was the richest, best handyman, best Christian, best preacher,
could hold down several jobs, do the housework and still have time to
prepare a 10 course meal.

Wait a few more years before contemplating marriage. Your ideas of what you
want from life and the development of your personality are still in their
formative years. There is no rush to have a ring on your finger, let
yourself develope first and work out what you want in life.

If you really like this person and they like you, what is wrong with waiting
for a while longer.
 
N

NewWine

Guest
#22
#22
I can't tell you whether or not this is the man for you, but as a parent of ladies your age (3 daughters 23, 21 & 18) I will tell you what I tell them.

Marriage is 24 hours a day 7 days a week until death parts you. This means at your best, at your worst, when you're sick or well, you will have to deal with anything he throws at you. At his best, at his worst, when he's sick or well you will be caring for him. You can't leave over a tiff, or even a big argument. There isn't much "alone time". And you have to want this for the rest of your life or be miserable. Don't get me wrong....when you're ready, and with the right person, this isn't a bad thing. But the problems come when someone marries before they are ready to make the commitment and then they suffer as does their spouse. If you're not "in love" with him then why consider this at all?
From what you've told us, you will be making most of the major decisions. You will carry the brunt of the responsibility financially, emotionally, mentally and possibly even spiritually depending on the extent of his injuries. WHen and if children come into play, you will be carrying the brunt of this as well.
Having children will take away even more "alone time" Filling your days with bottles and diapers and very few adult conversations. They are cranky, testy, dirty, stinky, messy little boogers who will also rely on you for everything.

Now at 20ish are you ready to be the everything to everyone in your life, never being able to take a minute until he and the children are cared for, whether you're feeling well or sick with the flu? What about when you face a MAJOR crisis in life (death of someone close, financial worry, foreclosure, job loss....etc.)?

If you can HONESTLY answer to yourself that you are ready to be married with this sort of life, and you're positive that he's the one you can choose to love until death parts you through good and bad, then perhaps you're ready to marry THIS man......of not then ask yourself; is it that I am not ready to marry him, or not ready to marry at all and PRAYERFULLY make your choices based upon that. Take your time and really decide too.
Peace
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#23
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#23
OP:

I noticed that there is no mention in your original post of how old the guy you are involved with is.

So my question is this...

How old is he?
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#24
#24
Acr96 said:
Sorry for the long post

So I really don't know what to do about my current relationship. I had prayed for a good and Godly man and I do believe God has sent him to me. He is a minister, and truly treats me kindly. However, my parents do not like him. They think his calling is not from God, but himself. They have been told by two very Godly men, one who is a preacher himself, that I need to get out of this relationship while I can. I myself have no reason to believe he wasn't called by God because he has explained to me why he believes God has and God has given him so many opportunities to preach. My parents also think he is in it just for the money. I do know that since I have been with him that he has only one time to my knowledge gave money for the offering plate. That really bothers my parents. Also, the biggest reason my parents don't want me with him is because of his disability. They understand that he can't help it and its not his fault, but they are scared it's gonna be too much on me if we was to get married. He had a stroke before he was born and doesn't have hardly any use in his left side and it has effected some of his cognitive thinking. It does worry me because I want kids so bad but I'm afraid he can't have them and if he can he isn't gonna be much help. Also, he can't work most jobs due to his disability. I love who he is and that he gives his all to the LORD, but what kinda person would I be to leave someone over something they can't help. I'm not trying to doubt that God sent him, but it is literally a constant thought and I try to pray for signs and God wills but I just ain't seeing it. Please if anyone could give me some advice it would be appreciated.
Thanks and God bless.
Click to expand...
My advice? Don't ask strangers this question. Ask God.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#25
#25
spunkycat08 said:
OP:

I noticed that there is no mention in your original post of how old the guy you are involved with is.

So my question is this...

How old is he?
Click to expand...
No mention how old she is either, so how does knowing how old he is change anything?
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#26
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#26
Depleted said:
No mention how old she is either, so how does knowing how old he is change anything?
Click to expand...
I shared the OP's post with my husband, and he asked me if the OP mentioned the guy's age. The reason why he asked if because he wondered if that is another reason why the OP's parents have their reservations regarding the relationship between the two of them.
 
A

Acr96

Member
#27
Nov 11, 2015
99
0
0
#27
spunkycat08 said:
I shared the OP's post with my husband, and he asked me if the OP mentioned the guy's age. The reason why he asked if because he wondered if that is another reason why the OP's parents have their reservations regarding the relationship between the two of them.
Click to expand...
He is 27 and I will soon be 20. Yes my parents were not fond of the age gap. However, we all now have realized that at 27 he is on the maturity level of much younger. Which is a big issues for them considering that at his age he still lives at home. Also, to clear things up about his disability. He is pretty well functioning considering his stroke. Yes he is most paralyzed on his left side, especially his arm, and did effect some normal cognitive thinking.( his memory sometimes ain't the best, a little slower at learning stuff. ) But by no means is he completely just incapable. I do agree with my parents on the fact that due to his disability his parents babied him big time, and never really took time to let him learn to be independent. His mother who is his power of attorney doesn't let have any control over his money. ( he has a part-time job) That was a big red flag for my parents because they was pretty sure his mother would never allow him to control his own money.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#28
Jun 30, 2015
25,802
13,950
113
#28
Acr96 said:
His mother who is his power of attorney doesn't let have any control over his money. ( he has a part-time job) That was a big red flag for my parents because they was pretty sure his mother would never allow him to control his own money.
Click to expand...
That is an enormous red flag; not on him, but on his parents. For this reason alone, I would advise you to run in the other direction. If you marry him, it is highly likely that they will interfere constantly, and you will feel like you are married to his parents rather than to him. They may try to control you as well, not out of any mean intent, but because that's just what they do for their son. Unless you can afford to move far away from his parents, you may find yourselves under their thumb. At the absolute least, do not marry him until and unless the PoA is annulled.
 
U

Ultimatum77

Guest
#29
#29
The advice on this thread has been very good so far, I would also advise like Dino246 that him not being able to control his own money is a huge red flag... It may mean that he spends with no thought of tomorrow. For example, I knew a person who got his disability check on Monday and by Wednesday he was broke buying gadgets and new iphones etc.....and then asking others for money. If you get money and have a joint bank account....you will be earning while he burns through the cash...like putting your money in a bag with a hole at the bottom....I would advise to run the other way as well....also you seem kind of young to get married...I would wait at least another year or two just to know what you want in a marriage.....it may be he's trying to take advantage of you because of the age difference....and no offense if your only 1-2 years out of high school you still may be impressionable and not be thinking straight...I think you need to take a step back and assess what you want in a marriage and also if you're letting your emotions get the best of you and putting you in a situation that may end up bad....think with your head not your heart. Just my suggestions! :)
 
A

Acr96

Member
#30
Nov 11, 2015
99
0
0
#30
Ultimatum77 said:
The advice on this thread has been very good so far, I would also advise like Dino246 that him not being able to control his own money is a huge red flag... It may mean that he spends with no thought of tomorrow. For example, I knew a person who got his disability check on Monday and by Wednesday he was broke buying gadgets and new iphones etc.....and then asking others for money. If you get money and have a joint bank account....you will be earning while he burns through the cash...like putting your money in a bag with a hole at the bottom....I would advise to run the other way as well....also you seem kind of young to get married...I would wait at least another year or two just to know what you want in a marriage.....it may be he's trying to take advantage of you because of the age difference....and no offense if your only 1-2 years out of high school you still may be impressionable and not be thinking straight...I think you need to take a step back and assess what you want in a marriage and also if you're letting your emotions get the best of you and putting you in a situation that may end up bad....think with your head not your heart. Just my suggestions! :)
Click to expand...
Thank you all for the great advice. You have made me see this situation from a different view. Ultimatum77 you are right I am not ready for marriage. I have to a lot to learn, and also no I don't believe he would take advantage of me. He honestly is just too sweet of a guy. If anything his mom would influence that part. Not saying she is. Just my guess
 
U

Ultimatum77

Guest
#31
#31
You're welcome, Glad I could help! :) I was hoping I didn't offend/sound mean but I just know from my own personal experience I wasn't "mature" as much about 5-6 years ago and too busy thinking what others thought of me/trying to impress others...I felt like man, my friends are all getting married and I'm getting left behind and you feel that social pressure the key is don't rush into anything ...haste makes waste....you have plenty of time .....but I'm glad God didn't allow me to get married then because I was immature and not secure within myself....

Now I'm comfortable in my own skin so to speak...I don't care what others think/say of me anymore....as long as I'm pleasing God...that's what truly matters. Find out who you are first as a person before committing to marriage.....I'm not married, I just know maturity takes time.....God Bless...
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#32
Feb 21, 2014
70,940
9,691
113
#32
Dino246 said:
That is an enormous red flag; not on him, but on his parents. For this reason alone, I would advise you to run in the other direction. If you marry him, it is highly likely that they will interfere constantly, and you will feel like you are married to his parents rather than to him. They may try to control you as well, not out of any mean intent, but because that's just what they do for their son. Unless you can afford to move far away from his parents, you may find yourselves under their thumb. At the absolute least, do not marry him until and unless the PoA is annulled.
Click to expand...

This is excellent advice. :)
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#33
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#33
OP:

Another thing to consider is this...

I have heard that when someone who is on disability marries, according to the government, they loose their benefits. This is for SSI and SSDI. My husband knows a couple where one partner is on disability, and if she marries him, she ill loose her benefits. The guy she is involved with can only work part-time due to health reasons.

At nearly 20 years of age, are you financially capable of supporting both of you if you marry any guy who receives disability benefits?
 
DiscipleDave

DiscipleDave

Senior Member
#34
Sep 4, 2012
3,095
71
48
#34
Acr96 said:
Sorry for the long post

So I really don't know what to do about my current relationship. I had prayed for a good and Godly man and I do believe God has sent him to me. He is a minister, and truly treats me kindly. However, my parents do not like him. They think his calling is not from God, but himself. They have been told by two very Godly men, one who is a preacher himself, that I need to get out of this relationship while I can. I myself have no reason to believe he wasn't called by God because he has explained to me why he believes God has and God has given him so many opportunities to preach. My parents also think he is in it just for the money. I do know that since I have been with him that he has only one time to my knowledge gave money for the offering plate. That really bothers my parents. Also, the biggest reason my parents don't want me with him is because of his disability. They understand that he can't help it and its not his fault, but they are scared it's gonna be too much on me if we was to get married. He had a stroke before he was born and doesn't have hardly any use in his left side and it has effected some of his cognitive thinking. It does worry me because I want kids so bad but I'm afraid he can't have them and if he can he isn't gonna be much help. Also, he can't work most jobs due to his disability. I love who he is and that he gives his all to the LORD, but what kinda person would I be to leave someone over something they can't help. I'm not trying to doubt that God sent him, but it is literally a constant thought and I try to pray for signs and God wills but I just ain't seeing it. Please if anyone could give me some advice it would be appreciated.
Thanks and God bless.
Click to expand...
The mere fact that you are asking this, reveals that you are having doubts, and doubts are not of God. If you say
I do believe God has sent him to me.
Click to expand...
Then i do not understand what the problem is or the doubts that are arising.
Do you love him?
Does He love you?
Leave your parents out of it, unless of coarse you are still living at home with them.
What are your motives for this man? Are you wanting to marry Him. If you are having doubts like you are now, i would advise not marrying him, doesn't he deserve something who KNOWS that they want to be with him and take care of him if that is what it takes?

If you are wanting my advise it would be this. Get right with God first. Are you walking in the light like Jesus did. Have you overcome your demons? Are you living by the Bible, or are you still living in sins?

What is the most important thing here is NOT this relationship. The most important thing is your walk with God right now. If you improve your walk with God, then the Holy Spirit of God will lead you in the ways that you should go. Lean on God, seek God, pray to God, live for God. And then your path will be clear. But as long as you are living your life for you, the path will not be clear.

^i^
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#36
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#36
tannerbrody said:
If his name is Creflo Dollar, I would get out now.
Click to expand...
When I looked him up on Wikipedia, it stated that he is married and was born in 1962.

The OP states that the guy she is involved with is 27.

So according to you, is Creflo Dollar the guys father or is he the guy the OP is involved with?
 
JosephsDreams

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
#37
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
468
83
#37
I heard it said recently that is it possible that God not only instituted marriage for our happiness, but also to mold us and shape us. That maybe the ultimate reason of marriage is not our marital happiness, but to come closer to God.
If you marry him, you'll maybe be molded and shaped in a way that may bringer you closer to God then maybe a lot of other men and woman would be, who don't have your challenges.
That's not a bad thing.
Maybe God has a call on your life that is higher then most other people. He may need you to go though the fire first.
I don't want to discourage you, but your highest calling is to God, not your future husband.
And if you are faithful to our Lord, God will work it our in your marriage, despite whatever challenges you may face, whatever heartache, in ways that you can't even imagine.
You'll have trials and tribulations, this is a fallen world, but God will give back to you ten times more then what you give Him, be it in your marriage, in love and sacrifice, or whatever other area.
One other thing, unless you have heard explicitly from God, do not marry him until you have been gong ot at LEAST for 2 years. Trust me, in almost every case, you will not really know someone well enough in less then two years time to be able to make a pragmatic choice.
 
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pwrnJC

Banned
#38
Dec 1, 2014
1,430
27
0
#38
JosephsDreams....love your advice....only hoping it will be followed...a lot of people seek advice here in this forum, but few really deep down follow any suggestions..or are hiding something they fail to mention.
 
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