Do I stay or not?

Acr96 · Feb 19, 2016

Sorry for the long post

So I really don't know what to do about my current relationship. I had prayed for a good and Godly man and I do believe God has sent him to me. He is a minister, and truly treats me kindly. However, my parents do not like him. They think his calling is not from God, but himself. They have been told by two very Godly men, one who is a preacher himself, that I need to get out of this relationship while I can. I myself have no reason to believe he wasn't called by God because he has explained to me why he believes God has and God has given him so many opportunities to preach. My parents also think he is in it just for the money. I do know that since I have been with him that he has only one time to my knowledge gave money for the offering plate. That really bothers my parents. Also, the biggest reason my parents don't want me with him is because of his disability. They understand that he can't help it and its not his fault, but they are scared it's gonna be too much on me if we was to get married. He had a stroke before he was born and doesn't have hardly any use in his left side and it has effected some of his cognitive thinking. It does worry me because I want kids so bad but I'm afraid he can't have them and if he can he isn't gonna be much help. Also, he can't work most jobs due to his disability. I love who he is and that he gives his all to the LORD, but what kinda person would I be to leave someone over something they can't help. I'm not trying to doubt that God sent him, but it is literally a constant thought and I try to pray for signs and God wills but I just ain't seeing it. Please if anyone could give me some advice it would be appreciated.
Thanks and God bless.

kaylagrl · Feb 19, 2016

Acr96 said:

Well first off your parents would not be marrying this man,you would. You are old enough to know your own mind. Who ever the two Godly men were that talked to your parents were wrong to make any comment. Unless the man was a child molester or abused women they have absolutely no right to make a comment.They were out of line. You are past the age of parents being your covering. You are old enough to decide. Parents should only give advice if they are asked at your age. They should not be choosing who your life partner will be.

If you want children does it have to be your own or would you be ok with adopting? You don't know that he cant have children,ask a doctor or do some research online. Be sure about it. You say he won't be much help but you could marry someone that has a car accident and is paralyzed from the neck down. Life doesn't promise us a bed of roses. It can be hard,if you marry you have to realize life can throw a lot at you. Deep down you know whether you want this man as your life partner.And if you don't you better pray about it and come to your own conclusion. Not mom and dads,not the church elders,yours! What makes you think God sent him to you? If you believe He did then all these issues will resolve themselves. But whether your parents like him or not is of no account. You need to make a grown up decision on your own.

tourist · Feb 19, 2016

Do you love this man with all of your heart? If not, I would end this relationship. If you do love him, and in a romantic sense as well, I would definitely pray further before making a commitment.

Siberian_Khatru · Feb 19, 2016

Acr96 said:

You'd be your own person. Nothing wrong with that, per se. You can leave the relationship and not the person - if leaving at all is what you feel prompted to do - though this can be difficult for both people.

Acr96 · Feb 19, 2016

No they don't have to be my own. I actually wanted to adopt anyway, but I have read an article before about a child that go taken away from the parent who had a very low IQ. They found her unfit. So that makes scared that adoption agencies won't find him fit.

Acr96 · Feb 19, 2016

tourist said:

I do love him, but not so much in a romantic sense. Im just afraid of letting go of something that I feel God gave me. Especially if he was meant to be the one.

jb · Feb 19, 2016

Acr96 said:

Sorry for the long post

So I really don't know what to do about my current relationship. I had prayed for a good and Godly man and I do believe God has sent him to me. He is a minister, and truly treats me kindly. However, my parents do not like him. They think his calling is not from God, but himself. They have been told by two very Godly men, one who is a preacher himself, that I need to get out of this relationship while I can. I myself have no reason to believe he wasn't called by God because he has explained to me why he believes God has and God has given him so many opportunities to preach. My parents also think he is in it just for the money. I do know that since I have been with him that he has only one time to my knowledge gave money for the offering plate. That really bothers my parents. Also, the biggest reason my parents don't want me with him is because of his disability. They understand that he can't help it and its not his fault, but they are scared it's gonna be too much on me if we was to get married. He had a stroke before he was born and doesn't have hardly any use in his left side and it has effected some of his cognitive thinking. It does worry me because I want kids so bad but I'm afraid he can't have them and if he can he isn't gonna be much help. Also, he can't work most jobs due to his disability. I love who he is and that he gives his all to the LORD, but what kinda person would I be to leave someone over something they can't help. I'm not trying to doubt that God sent him, but it is literally a constant thought and I try to pray for signs and God wills but I just ain't seeing it. Please if anyone could give me some advice it would be appreciated.
Thanks and God bless.

Just looking at your post here, I get the feeling that you love this man, but not enough to marry him, for if you did you wouldn't be having the doubts you're having now and posting for advice!

Ugly · Feb 19, 2016

You haven't stated, specifically, that your parents have sat you down and gone over the exact reasons they don't want you to be with him, and giving facts to back it up. If they haven't done that, then they are just complaining about him. They need to sit down and talk with you about their concerns and why they are concerned and give evidences. When you have such details, then there may be more basis for advice.
But at this point it sounds like they're just complaining about a few things.

jb · Feb 19, 2016

Just to add to my last post, the way to find God's will for your life is by prolonged earnest seeking of God, and NO other way!

God can and will confirm His guidance/will to you through other GODLY prayerful Christians.

"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God." Rom 8v14

Acr96 · Feb 19, 2016

Ugly said:

Yes my parents have sat me down two or three different times and discussed why they don't prefer me to stay with them. I do understand that I make my own choices in life, but I would love to have my parents support. The reason they are so negative about it the whole is the things I said in my first post, and my mother is see the same situation she went through with my biological father. He was extremely lazy, wouldn't hold down a job, and mentally and verbally abusive.( which my boyfriend is not at all I will add) so therefore my mom felt like a single parent even though see was married. As for my dad he is a very manly man. He thinks men need to be the biggest supporter financially, do car repair, handyman stuff. All of which my boyfriend as really no clue how to do.

Ariel82 · Feb 20, 2016

Acr96 said:

You sound like you are settling here.

If you don't love him in the romantic sense why are you thinking about marrying him?

You can just be friends.
Also,
You can foster a child in your own.

Ariel82 · Feb 20, 2016

*For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. - 2 Timothy 1:7 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2Timothy1:7&version=NIV

Angela53510 · Feb 20, 2016

Acr96 said:

There is no where in the Bible that says anything about a spouse being "meant to be." In other words, this whole notion of soul mate is not biblical.

Instead, we are to find someone who loves God, that we also like and enjoy. And hopefully we will love God and like and enjoy this person.

I do think you need to make this decision on your own. Your parents don't have to live the rest of their lives with him. You are 32, and you need to separate yourself from your parents, whatever you decide about this man.

I will say, that it really isn't a marriage if there is no excitement. I'm speaking of a gut feeling, that does not go away with time. Unless you are content to be in a marriage that doesn't have "sparks!" I just wouldn't want you to wake up in 10 or 20 years and realize you have missed out on having a loving and spicy marriage. Plus, if he is partially paralyzed, how much work will you have to do care-giving? That is a very important consideration.

And personally, I can't imagine having raised children without the input, love and caring of our children without my husband. Even now, we are babysitting two of our grandchildren, age 2 and 4, and he has to do a lot of the physical work, because I am disabled.

Acr96 · Feb 20, 2016

Angela53510 said:

Thank you for your reply. If the Bible doesn't specifically say anything about having a spouse that is "meant to be". Do you still believe that he can send the person that you are supposed to be with? If that makes any sense. Kinda like passing an opportunity that was just laid in your lap. Once you pass it up you look back and feel awful. Also, I'm not 32. Not even close. I'm almost 20.

Ultimatum77 · Feb 20, 2016

I don't know your situation, but it sounds like if you got married you would be pulling the main load so to speak, if he is a minister and doesn't have a job, that means all the bills, finances are on your back. I am not against anyone with disabilities however, if your marriage is a one way track of you shouldering most of the burden it will not last.... you will be burned out and unhappy and probably end up in divorce. I think you love this guy as a friend but not enough to marry maybe he's in the friend zone and you should just keep it at that....I think your parents advice is out of love not spite and want someone to take care of you equally and not just need you all of the time....

You cannot be all to all (contrary to what apostle paul said), humans are not chameleons we each have our own strengths and weakenesses....we're not superhumans....only Jesus can be all to all....not imperfect humans....
, and you should feel no guilt because you have your own needs and you need to assess (write it down on paper) what you can give to the marriage what he'll need....if his needs outweigh your list you should really consider not marrying him as you will burn out like I said before...Also you should pray about the decision and also if his call is legitimate (which you said some have questioned).....truthfully a lot of people become ministers just because they are bored or can't hold a job....and want some status in society....no I'm not dogging those who have true calls on their lives but there are some charlatans out there...
your parents have your best interest at heart and I think you should consider their advice.....and most importantly set your emotions aside and pray objectively.....

coby · Feb 20, 2016

Acr96 said:

But if he is the one I'd expect you have romantic feelings for him. This sounds weird. I spoke to a man on a dating site. God first gave me a dream about a man. I thought: That's him! He was really kind, but then he sent a pic. Aaaaaaawww he looked like an old severe German teacher. Not my type at all. But God said it so I thought. So I sat down and waited for God to speak. I felt that I had to.
I think you can just use common sense. If you don't romantically love someone don't marry him.

Pilkington · Feb 20, 2016

I am just wondering how old are you? All I would say is do not rush into marrying this man. You need to be sure you want to marry him. Do not marry him if you think you might not get another chance of marrying, not everyone gets married, it is OK to be single.

It is good to understand what you are getting into marrying someone who is disabled. My husband has always been open and upfront about his disability. You need to be sure you are not marrying him because you feel sorry for him.

My husband is a Christian and I love him very much, I could not imagine being married to anyone else. Our respective strengths compliment each other. He is very good at living in the here and now and is comfident and out going, whereas I am much quieter and more reserved. He is also much more descisive than me. I tend to do the more physical stuff, such as clothes washing etc due to them being difficult for him. I have gone back to Uni but longterm I will be the primary bread winner which isn't an issue. My husband has a progressive muscle wasting condition which affects his skeletal muscles, heart muscle and respiratory muscle. Long term he will end up in a wheel chair. Would that change our relationship not that much in reality, it would mean moving house/adapting a house. It is difficult to balance being someones carer and being in a relationship but I am first and foremost his wife.

As to children, try to not worry about this. At this point you wont know if he is able to have children or not. We have an 8 year old child. When our son was small the bulk of the care fell to me. My husband new his limitations so he knew he could not carry our son upstairs, he also knew he had to be sitting down to pick up our son from the Moses basket. When I was helping out at youth group he was able to care for our son, feeding him milk, changing nappy etc but he had to find away for him to do it which worked for him. When you have a disability you learn to work round it. When I child is taken from parents they have to look at the childs best interest and whatever you read about someone with a low IQ having a child taken away from them the information you read probably did not give the full story. Having a physical disability does not mean you will not be able to adopt or foster, however adoption and foster agencies have to look at the full picture and access many factors.

blue_ladybug · Feb 20, 2016

The least of your worries here, is children. You need to realize that if you DO marry this guy, the bulk of all the physical stuff that he can't do, will fall onto your shoulders. Personally, I wouldn't want to add children into the mix, on top of all that responsibility. I don't know how badly this guy is affected with his disability but if he can't lift and can't think properly, then YOU will be bearing the load and making all the decisions. :/

spunkycat08 · Feb 20, 2016

OP:

At nearly 20 years of age you are young.

When I was your age, I was not remotely ready for marriage.

At your age, you should be living your life, not being saddled with the responsibilities the other posters mentioned.

I would continue praying to God about the entire situation.

God knows what is best for everyone.

sandtigeress · Feb 20, 2016

how much of you wanting to marry, is your wish to be independent of what your parents want for you and how much is love for your boyfriend ?

Many people have said much about the good or bad, such a marriage will have.

But answer yourself a few questions:
+ Do I want to marry this man, even if my parents would like him for me ?
+ Can I see myself with this man in 10 years, in 20 years, in old age ?
+ Does/Can he love me ? The grumpy me, the tired me, the me that is not at my best ?

And of course pray and get clarity for yourself independent of all the other voices, of should,
might, would. And think of joy, which way will give you joy ? Because joy comes from the lord.
And the way he wants from us, will have joy.

Do I stay or not?

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