Found out I have a daughter

[Jullianna]

Dadfeelingguilty, my parents divorced when I was 2 and I never had a chance to know my real dad. I had an amazing stepdad, but there are gaps in my life because of this. I would have given anything to have met him and gotten to know him no matter what.

Your teenage daughter is just as much your child as your younger children. It touches my heart that you realize this. She needs you in her life. You can give her priceless things that no one else can. And we know that we are accountable to God for fulfilling our responsibilities to our children, the ones we know about and the ones we don't.

Your other children are still very young. They need to know about their sister. They need to hear it from you. They need to hear it soon. These things have a way of coming out. If your children learn this from someone else down the road, it will affect them. It will affect their respect and trust for you. I say this because I have a younger brother who was deeply upset that my mom and stepdad waited a long time before telling him that he and I had different fathers.

I agree that these things need to be done one step at a time. Patience and understanding are key for everyone involved. I also agree that you and your daughter need to talk privately before you introduce her to your wife and younger children. Understand that she may have some anger issues with both you and her mom for keeping the two of you apart. It won't be easy, but she really needs you.

THANK YOU for your desire to step up and be her dad.

Prayerfully....

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

Thank you so much Jullianna, your words make so much sense. I have been able to catch bits of her life via the Internet, social media, etc., and I do feel she needs a father figure in her life.

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

I must say your wife is behaving incredibly selfish. The fact that you have a chance to make things right with your daughter you were unaware of for 18 years and she doesnt want you to for unstated reasons is childish. Unsure how it could negatively affect two young kids, cant imagine they would be traumatized by having a big sister.

I know...I have been going along with her, fearing it could have a negative affect on our marriage if I met this girl, but honestly, it's having an affect anyway. I find that I am crabbier than usual, she always asks me what is bothering me, of course I always say, "nothing, I'll be fine."

 

[Nautilus]

Lol typical guy answer "fine." There is possibly the option of counseling to help her work through things I imagine its a lot to put on anyones shoulders. But as a man and a dad, you know you have to meet this girl. Maybe if she wont agree to it, she;; just have to deal with it...

 

[loveme1]

I know...I have been going along with her, fearing it could have a negative affect on our marriage if I met this girl, but honestly, it's having an affect anyway. I find that I am crabbier than usual, she always asks me what is bothering me, of course I always say, "nothing, I'll be fine."

Do not go along with her, be open, be honest... She must know how you truly feel.

You will cause more problems with "nothing, I'll be fine" in the long run.... frustration will creep in my friend.


Your daughter is 18 and you will have a different role to play in her life than your other two children.


You have the task of keeping your family together through this transition...

Your behaviour will make or break all of this.

Be too harsh on your wife and she will resent the situation.


Pray for Strength and Guidance from Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

Update:

Still haven't done anything. I need to freaking man up.

 

[AdorableNoel]

I'm here for encouragement and/or if you need someone to talk to with God in the mist.
Talk to a pastor perhaps?
Turn to God and everything will be okay.

God Bless!

 

[cookie39]

, Hello brother, I am a woman who had a some-what same situation in my life........ I was the woman who found out with the man I was with that he had a 6 yr daughter......... I never felt a threat, never. I loved this man so much that all I could see is how happy it would make him to see her and get to know her........ He thought that I would be angry, but it was just the opposite, I knew this child did not ask to be here, it was not her choice who would be her dad or her mother..... I loved him so much, that I loved her before I even got to meet her. Not all people can love someone as they do themselves........ as someone else had said...... what if the shoe was on the other foot? what would she want the other woman to do if her two children needed there dad? I never understood why any MOTHER would ever turn away a child, any child.... but the child of someone they say they love is unspeakable to me. not only did he and I went and got his daughter I loved her as if she was my own, because everything that belonged to him I saw it as mine. It is funny how SOME Women want men to except and raise their child who they have by another man as their own......... yet, they wish the man kids would just disappear. I know this child is apart of you as all your children are,,,,,,, either she love all of you or just the fact that she have you. if she love all of you she would love you as herself, and will love your child. but if she just love the fact that you are her's, that is self love that is not shared, as long s things are all about her and for her she will be happy.. but to have to share what is "her's" would be embarresing to her, it is not about your children that is at home with you, it is about who all will find out and how it would look to her image she wanted to pretray. if my husband came to me and said he had a child, I would asked him when is it he want to go see her and ask can I please go with him....... because I would want to share in the moment of joy and excitement he wold have on his face when they first meet............ I would not want to miss it for the world........... I pray you don't delay it anymore, as you said it is already bringing tension in your home, GOOO GET YOUR DAUGHTER, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU DID NOT KNOW SHE WAS THERE, NEITHER YOUR DAUGHTER'S, WHY DO U SUFFER?
I PRAY GOD OVERFLOW YOU WITH THE WISDOM YOU NEED NOW....... If your wife truly love you, she would not want to leave or cause problems with you for wanting to be a true man and do the right thing. I know I would not respect no man who walk away from his children. if you do not go to her, it is now no different as a man who walked away from his responsibilities. GOD GIVE HIM THE WISDOM HE NEED NOW LORD IN THE NAME OF CHRIST JESUS...AMEN

 

[Lucy68]

Update:

Still haven't done anything. I need to freaking man up.

You might as well go ahead and do what you already know you should . Dragging it out is just making the situation worse.

The mother of your 18 yr old should have told you immediately when she got pregnant. It was your right to know about the baby.

But now that you do know, you really should DO SOMETHING about this innocent child. She deserves to know her dad. And I have a feeling you are a good dad. So please get busy.

Your wife will eventually understand that there is an innocent person involved that deserves a dad in her young life .

And I don't think it's a good idea to hide her from your other children. They would eventually find out and then your reputation with them would be damaged even worse.

 

[KingsPrincess]

I know from experience....It is NOT about the adults...It IS about the children! Not to sound harsh but your wife needs to buck up! Your wife is an adult...more so then your 18 year old daughter. Your young children do not have to be involved right away...or your wife...or the mother. I would meet with your daughter one on one first....she deserves that...its not about you...or your wife...or the mother...its about your daughter...then bring in the rest of your current family the way your daughter chooses to. This has to be scary and strange for your daughter and will be for your other children as well...its about the children! Btw...has a paternity test been done? God bless!

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

Thank you so much for the positive messages, I really need it. I think I will give my wife the news how I feel after our family vacation next weekend, I guess I don't want to ruin it for her, in case it goes bad, so might as well wait until that is over. I'm not sure what I 'll do with my two small kids, how do I explain "the birds and the bees" issue to them? The stork brought me a baby years ago? I did not have a paternity test, but she looks like me, so I don't really have a doubt.

 

[Jullianna]

Truthfully, I would be surprised if your younger children asked you any birds/bees questions. They may not even know to ask them.

First things first. Just tell them about your older daughter and let that soak in. The rest can come as they are old enough to understand. If you give them too much information, you might confuse them.

It is important that they know you did not have this information beforehand or you would have told them. They may think you are hiding more if you leave this out. And if they think you knew all along and did not have any part in your older daughter's life, they may fear you willl abandon them. So, it's VERY imporant that they know you didn't know and that you would have been there for her and you would have told them if you had known.

Keep it simple. Take it slow with them. Give them time to let it sink in and ask you questions later.

 

[psychomom]

Dad, I wasn't sure you were still coming back to this, but I'm so glad you are.

Please believe me (you don't even have to, just check the Bible! ) that the Lord God loves your little ones more than you can even imagine loving them. (ikr?) This was hard for me to accept and I believe the Bible, so much do we parents love our kiddos.
So I hope you don't mind that I'll be praying for your small children, that they will receive this news with the protection of the Lord on their hearts and minds. I ask the Father to guard them, especially against doubting their daddy. You are such an important person in their lives, and moreso in that it's in you they will eventually see the character of a father and measure that character against God's own. My own dad ( through no fault of his own, just the way he was raised) was emotionally distant, and when Christ came to me it was hard for me to believe God cared intimately for me. Loved me, sure, my dad showed in many ways he loved me. But intimate? That took a while to accept.

I don't mean to burden you...you're already there. But I will pray for your little ones, and for your older daughter, too. God created families to mirror so many spiritual truths, and dads (IMO) are second only to the husband/wife relationship. You sound like a terrific daddy, and I don't think you'll have to get into the whole birds and bees thing with your kiddos. If they haven't asked how they were created, they most likely won't question how their big sister was. They may ask if you were married before, just a warning...but a simple, "you don't have to be married to make a baby, but it's best if you are" will probably suffice.
I hope you enjoy your holiday with the family! And I will be praying, too, for that convo with the wife.
~ellie

 

[nan]

RE; Birds & Bees.....

At A Christian book store you'll find AGE APPROPRIATE birds & bees books. I used those and they worked perfectly with my two sons . Its one of the best tools for parents!!!! Our pastor's wife & friends all had them as well.

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

Well, I finally told my wife about how I felt, showed her some of the Internet sources, photos of my daughter, and felt a great weight off my shoulders. Of course her first concern is for our two young children and how they could be impacted. Could this older girl be trouble/bad influence? What if all she wants is money? I don't have these answer, there is no manual for this on Amazon. I guess we have a 50/50 chance. It could end up being a great relationship. It could end up being not so great. She feels that we should leave our kids out of it until we find out what kind of person she is. We do know that her current home life is not ideal. My wife is OK with me making contact, but we are taking it slow. Trying to figure out how to go about it. My wife is not really cool about me talking to the birth mom, probably mostly for jealousy reasons.

 

[Risen]

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you and praise your name for Dadfeeingguilty's life and his willingness to gather his children unto himself. Thank you for blessing him with fatherly love, care and compassion not only for his wife and kids but also for his long lost child. Thank you dear Lord for the wonderful wife and kids that you blessed him with. Dear Lord, I pray that you bless him with your wisdom so that he will make choices based on your word and your will for his life. I also pray for his wife so that she finds it in her heart to accept whatever decision that Dadfeelingquity made with respect to his daughter. Dear heavenly father I pray and uphold Dad's daughter unto your presence, that in you name dear Lord Jesus that you protect her and provide for her and that you please bestow upon the hearts of the people that she is with now to love and to care for her as if she was their own. Dear Lord, I pray that you unite this family in your love and your mercy in Jesus Name I pray Amen

 

[Jullianna]

Taking it one step at a time is very wise, and I agree with your wife about protecting your little ones until you see the bigger picture. I think they should still be told about her at some point, but that doesn't mean they have to be exposed to her if she would not be a good influence.

Who knows how much of an impact a godly father could have on a young lady. Sure couldn't hurt at all.

Bless you for stepping up.

 

[TheAristocat]

(I posted this in the new member thread not realizing there may be more people in this area, so if anyone else has any advice or suggestions to add I would love to hear.)

Hi,

I'm troubled by my discovery that I have an 18 year old daughter, but my wife is afraid it will affect our young kids, both under 7. I carry around a terrible burden, and want to meet this child, but my wife does not. I know from the girl's mom that she wants to meet her dad. The girl's mom is not telling her anything about me or my family, she's basicly leaving it up to me. She never tried to contact me since she was born, until recently, talk about shocker. I'm a great dad to my other 2 kids, and I don't want this other girl to think her dad is some sort of deadbeat, not to mention i feel guilty for not being in her life for 18 years. Thanks for any advice.

I've heard that when a couple adopts a child they're not supposed to tell the child about their former parents, let them meet, etc. I guess it supposedly undermines the adopting parents' authority. (And I've learned from first-hand experience that this is the case.) However, your daughter is 18 years old now. She's just about ready to go out on her own. So there's that, too. Certainly there is a time for her to get to know her biological father. Maybe this isn't the time and maybe it is. Maybe you could talk to her mother a little more about it. But eventually all secrets should be revealed. My guess is that eventually you two will meet. It just depends on when the appropriate time to do that is.

 

[chuinchoy]

If i were you i would do anything to make sure that my daughter knows about me and tell her the reason why i have not discharge my responsibility as a father all these years. I will also tell her that i want her to be part of my life from now on. You all can meet up once a week. If she needs financial help, help her as much as you can.Meanwhile i will tell my existing wife that i respect and understand her concerns and will only see her (daughter) alone. Meanwhile try to encourage your wife to see your daughter as well. It takes time for her to accept your daughter.

All the best. God bless.

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

Well, to update I recieved the green light to make contact. I am trying to contact the mother first. Have not been able to yet, so still working on that. Trying to do so discreetly without daughter finding out. Thanks for all of your help!