Found out I have a daughter

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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#1
#1
(I posted this in the new member thread not realizing there may be more people in this area, so if anyone else has any advice or suggestions to add I would love to hear.)

Hi,

I'm troubled by my discovery that I have an 18 year old daughter, but my wife is afraid it will affect our young kids, both under 7. I carry around a terrible burden, and want to meet this child, but my wife does not. I know from the girl's mom that she wants to meet her dad. The girl's mom is not telling her anything about me or my family, she's basicly leaving it up to me. She never tried to contact me since she was born, until recently, talk about shocker. I'm a great dad to my other 2 kids, and I don't want this other girl to think her dad is some sort of deadbeat, not to mention i feel guilty for not being in her life for 18 years. Thanks for any advice.
 
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AdorableNoel

Guest
#2
#2
Im a daughter myself, and still a kid.. but I'll give you my opinion from my point of view.
It's horrible that your wife wouldnt want her kids to meet their "long lost sister".. that just.. makes me upset (i had a long lost brother). I think you should meet your child, you're her father. God made you her father for a reason. This is God's timing, and i know God's will -will be done.
If you meet your daughter, I'm positive she will understand that you didn't know you had another child the past 18 years. I think it will settle something in your heart if you meet your daughter. Your children are under 7.. they'll barely understand what's going on- in teen years it's harder to deal with (i would know being a kid myself) Since you're an adult, and adults tend to believe that everything they think is right (with all do respect) i hope that you dont argue that your children would be more upset now. Eventually they would have to find out they had another sibling.. even with half siblings it's like a peice of you is missing.
It's just my opinion that you should meet your child as soon as possible. It's a bit selfish that your wife doesn't want you and her children to meet another peice of the family.

Sorry if i came off rude, God Bless!
Dadfeelingguilty said:
(I posted this in the new member thread not realizing there may be more people in this area, so if anyone else has any advice or suggestions to add I would love to hear.)

Hi,

I'm troubled by my discovery that I have an 18 year old daughter, but my wife is afraid it will affect our young kids, both under 7. I carry around a terrible burden, and want to meet this child, but my wife does not. I know from the girl's mom that she wants to meet her dad. The girl's mom is not telling her anything about me or my family, she's basicly leaving it up to me. She never tried to contact me since she was born, until recently, talk about shocker. I'm a great dad to my other 2 kids, and I don't want this other girl to think her dad is some sort of deadbeat, not to mention i feel guilty for not being in her life for 18 years. Thanks for any advice.
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AdorableNoel

Guest
#3
#3
Oh, and keeping a big secret like that from your children is deceitful.. VERY deceitful.
 
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GRA

Guest
#4
#4
Dadfeelingguilty said:
Hi,

I'm troubled by my discovery that I have an 18 year old daughter, but my wife is afraid it will affect our young kids, both under 7. I carry around a terrible burden, and want to meet this child, but my wife does not. I know from the girl's mom that she wants to meet her dad. The girl's mom is not telling her anything about me or my family, she's basicly leaving it up to me. She never tried to contact me since she was born, until recently, talk about shocker. I'm a great dad to my other 2 kids, and I don't want this other girl to think her dad is some sort of deadbeat, not to mention i feel guilty for not being in her life for 18 years. Thanks for any advice.
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First of all:

~ You are the head of your household. The responsibility is yours. The decision is [ultimately] yours.
~ You should ask God for His will and His guidance in the matter. Follow any clear answers you get.
~ Your wife should support you in your decision. She needs to "trust God" and "trust her husband"...
~ You should listen to the concerns of your wife (i.e., "get her input") - however, you should do what you believe is right - what is "all-around best" for everyone involved.

I would suggest that this approach may be a good way to go about it...

Step 1 - "just you" - meet and get aquainted with your daughter. See how it goes...

If all goes well, then - 'when it seems right' - time for step 2.

Step 2 - "your wife" - meet and get aquainted with your daughter. See how it goes...

If all goes well, then - 'when it seems right' - time for step 3.

Step 3 - "your kids" - meet and get aquainted with your daughter. See how it goes...

If all goes well, then --- Wonderful!!! :D "All the worry in the world was for nothing..."

It would be an easy assumption that eventually your kids will know about - and possibly meet - your daughter. So, then - it is a matter of timing --- the question is not IF but WHEN...

I would think that you owe it to your daughter to let her meet and get to know her dad. What happens after that is sufficient unto itself...

("Just a few of my thoughts...")

.
 
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Brandon777

Guest
#5
#5
I'm very highly disturbed that your wife wouldn't want you to meet you're daughter. Is your wife saved? Are there trust issues between you two, or perhaps she is jealous of another woman that could be a threat to her. Her insecurities shouldn't get in the way of a daughter knowing her real father. I would reassure your wife that she has nothing to fear and that she can trust you. The easy thing to do would be to ignore the situation, but it wouldn't be the right thing. You are going to feel bad about this whether it's in the open or not because you and your wife know about it and so does God. It's never too late to start a relationship with your own daughter. NEVER! You will feel guilty about sitting back and doing nothing if you do. And I pray you feel ten times as much guilt if you don't until you do. Do you know how much loss and confusion is felt without a father? Peace in this area can come even if she's 99. If she finds out you knew about her and decided not to have anything to do with her she'll feel a strong rejection indeed. And she will find out if not in this life then at Judgement Day. If you do decide to meet your daughter, then it's paramount that you reassure your wife and children. It should be a blessed thing, the joining of families because Yahweh says children are BLESSINGS. Your shame should never over-shadow the gladness that comes from a thankful heart because of a blessing given from the Lord. If you let your shame overshadow that joy, that's pride. Protecting your pride in a cold, hard secret. Don't do that friend. Don't do that brother. I pray the Lord blesses you and your family richly.
 
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loveme1

Senior Member
#6
Oct 30, 2011
8,138
216
63
#6
Give your wife time, she believed she was the only mother of your children and that bond is broken....

Being a mum she will soon consider things in a different light.

This information is life changing and you all need time to adjust, consider your wife and young children in all the decisions you make.


Re assure your wife this will not change the love you have for her and your young children, but that your other daughter deserves to share her dad that she knew nothing about.


Pray for strength and guidance to get through this.


Glory to Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah always and forever.
 
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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#7
#7
Thanks for the advice everyone. Thanks GRA for the steps, that's kind of what I was looking for. She is a Christian, but as far as "saved" I guess I am not sure to what extent that means. We go to church about twice a month, we are not very religious (no dinner prayers, no bedtime prayers). I think I will talk to my wife more, show her some things online, if she still has issues, then maybe get our pastor involved.
 
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GRA

Guest
#8
#8
Dadfeelingguilty said:
Thanks for the advice everyone. Thanks GRA for the steps, that's kind of what I was looking for. She is a Christian, but as far as "saved" I guess I am not sure to what extent that means. We go to church about twice a month, we are not very religious (no dinner prayers, no bedtime prayers). I think I will talk to my wife more, show her some things online, if she still has issues, then maybe get our pastor involved.
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You are very welcome... And, I will give God the credit... :)

Being "saved" means being [spiritually] born-again (John 3 ; I Peter 1) -- of the Spirit of God (Romans 8) -- "sealed unto the Day of Redemption" (Ephesians 4:30) -- "a new creature in Christ" (II Corinthians 5:17). And, quite frankly, that is actually the most important thing you and your wife must "solve" --- you need to make sure - "see to it" - that you and your wife [each] have that personal relationship with God that can only be had by belief and faith and trust in God, His ways, His Word, and the redemptive salvation work He has done through His only-begotten Son - the Lord Jesus Christ.

Based on the way you say that (about your wife) -- I am not so sure that you are saved...

"If you are saved (born-again) - then, you know it!"

If you do not know that you are born-again - of the Spirit of God -- then, please reconsider yourself before God -- and seek Him out - that He may convict you by His Holy Spirit to give yourself over to Him completely in belief and faith and trust...

I will pray for you and your wife - and all of your children.

.
 
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Lindsay

Banned
#9
May 28, 2012
270
0
0
#9
I agree with Gra on this, having been a long lost daughter myself. Meet her first alone. You can try to bring
about a family get-together later. Maybe this daughter does not want to meet your wife or her children.one
event at a time is enough.
 
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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#10
#10
I have always lived a decent life. I guess I considered born-again as a person who went down the wrong path, like prison, and then found Jesus.
 
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angel1581

Guest
#11
#11
God bless you Dadfeelingguilty!
Congratulations, whether you have a new born baby or your finding that you have a daughter you did not know about, it is a miracle! I thank God for your daughter and I will pray for you and all of your family to help you through this time. Family is a bond that cannot be broken.
I would do as the advice says above, meet first alone then see how it goes! Gods given you a bigger family not something that should make you feel burdened!
I wish you well
God bless you always
:)
 
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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#12
#12
@Lindsay how was your relationship with your father's wife? His other kids? How old were you when you finally met him? Did you have feelings of abandonment growing up?
 
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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#13
#13
Thank you Angel1581!
 
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Lindsay

Banned
#14
May 28, 2012
270
0
0
#14
My dad has three other grown children, all older than myself. They resent me.
 
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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#15
#15
Ok, I will wait for the right time to tell my wife what I must do. Then I will call the birth mom and make sure that is what she wants to do, then maybe talk on the phone to my daughter? Or should I drive 12 hours and our first conversation take place face to face, rather than on the phone....?
 
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Lindsay

Banned
#16
May 28, 2012
270
0
0
#16
Dadfeelingguilty said:
Ok, I will wait for the right time to tell my wife what I must do. Then I will call the birth mom and make sure that is what she wants to do, then maybe talk on the phone to my daughter? Or should I drive 12 hours and our first conversation take place face to face, rather than on the phone....?
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talk to the daughter on the phone before you go, infact, id say talk to her more than once so you get to know her and she gets to know you. Dont listen with your feelings but with your mind. There shouldnt be any big rush. give it time. Things can change over night. let the daughter help make the
decisions.
 
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psychomom

Guest
#17
#17
"Dad", I just want to assure you that we are all born in prison, to sin and ungodly hearts. Going to church, though admirable, can't make you a Christian, in the Biblical sense of being a true follower of Jesus. I don't think I can do it justice here, but I encourage you to speak to one of the elders or the pastor at your church!!
Please believe I say this out of love for you and your precious family, and out of concern for your souls. Jesus died so that we could escape hell, yes, but also to get God back into us, as was originally purposed in Eden before man fell from grace into sin. He loves you, and wants to be your savior, sheperd, comforter, and so much, much more.

As concerns your daughter, I commend you in wanting to do the right thing! :)
Perhaps if your wife were to be asked to put herself in another's place? How would she feel if, by some sad circumstance, she were the mother of this child, or the child herself? Did (does) she know her own father? And love him, and value that relationship?
Sometimes we need to be encouraged to look at things a bit differently. I know she must be hurt, and loveme1 put that perfectly. She must be worried about, and frankly, jealous for her own children. Reassuring her that she and your children together will always be of paramount importance to you, maybe over and over, will help, but it's probably not going to be until she sees it that she'll be able to rest in it. My husband and I have 6 children, grown now, but he was 31 when we married. And had I discovered years ago he had another child, I know I would have reacted the same way your wife did. you think it's this special thing only the 2 of you share, you know? Just how I'm sure you would feel were she to tell you she has another child, right? :)

I will pray she's able to overcome these natural feelings to extend love to your 18 yo. And that your other kiddos will accept her, and that she'll not be anything negative toward them. But Gary was spot on, as usual. :) You have, I think, every obligation to father this "new" child, too.
Perhaps the birth mom will be able to advise you as to phone vs. in person. She has probably already spoken to your daughter about this, presumably?

I admire your determination to be a daddy to your child, who has been so long without you. In Christ, that can be made up, which is part of the Gospel (Good News!). All things are possible with Him, the Bible tells us. Even this. :)

I will certainly be in prayer for each of you, and hope you let us know how it goes? I also pray you will see the love of Christ, and accept salvation, which is His great love for you. ♥
~ellie
 
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Dadfeelingguilty

Guest
#18
#18
Thank you Ellie (P-Mom) your words and tone are reassuring and non-judgemental. Birth mom has not told "Jane" about my existence or whereabouts. Throughout her life, Jane was told that her dad was not ready to be a father. In actuallity, I had no idea, although that doesn't mean I would have been ready had I known. Birth mom has not told Jane that she told me about Jane. Birth mom was "testing the waters", so to speak. So, it has been awhile now, while I am in a state of limbo. My wife knows that someday Jane may end up on our front steps, but she would prefer that to me being the initiator. Of course, I will let you know what happens. Thanks.
 
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Tumnus

Guest
#19
#19
AdorableNoel said:
Im a daughter myself, and still a kid.. but I'll give you my opinion from my point of view.
It's horrible that your wife wouldnt want her kids to meet their "long lost sister".. that just.. makes me upset (i had a long lost brother). I think you should meet your child, you're her father. God made you her father for a reason. This is God's timing, and i know God's will -will be done.
If you meet your daughter, I'm positive she will understand that you didn't know you had another child the past 18 years. I think it will settle something in your heart if you meet your daughter. Your children are under 7.. they'll barely understand what's going on- in teen years it's harder to deal with (i would know being a kid myself) Since you're an adult, and adults tend to believe that everything they think is right (with all do respect) i hope that you dont argue that your children would be more upset now. Eventually they would have to find out they had another sibling.. even with half siblings it's like a peice of you is missing.
It's just my opinion that you should meet your child as soon as possible. It's a bit selfish that your wife doesn't want you and her children to meet another peice of the family.

Sorry if i came off rude, God Bless!
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Wow, beautifully said, AdorableNoel. Such wisdom for such a young person. God bless you and God bless Dadfeelingguilty. Please don't feel guilty; see this as a wonderful gift.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#20
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#20
I must say your wife is behaving incredibly selfish. The fact that you have a chance to make things right with your daughter you were unaware of for 18 years and she doesnt want you to for unstated reasons is childish. Unsure how it could negatively affect two young kids, cant imagine they would be traumatized by having a big sister.
 
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