I am new here and feel very torn about by my relationship. I love my husband (I love the man he CAN be and HAS BEEN)
I am engaged to this man who has been married before. He’s 49 - I am 41. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage, one of whom is 22. The others are teenagers. He still pays 1750 a month in child support.
When we met he was making a lot of money. 300k. I changed professions and moved to be closer to him. I am back to making what I made when we met. 150k a year.
He pushed hard for me to move in with him — he has a house. He said if I didn’t move, he didn’t think he could take the long distance anymore. We lived a few hours away from each other.
He pressured hard and told me he was done with me if I would not just give in and move. I did. I quit my job and immediately had enough income to at least cover my bills.
As soon as I moved, he put me on the bank account but took all of my checks. He was very clear that since I was living in HIS house, he would be in control of the finances.
This made me very fearful and I began going back and forth on whether I could do this. I went back and begged for my job back but it didn’t work. I was acting so irrational during this time with my employer (due to my fiances’ demands) that I was not seen the way I used to be.
From there, I started in a personal downward spiral. It didn’t take long before I was able to get my business together and make a lot of cash again, but I was very scared and uncertain- as this was a new biz NOT the profession that I left.
Then, my fiance began getting upset if I had to work out of town at all. He literally called me and told me since I was 2 hours away, if I didn’t come home by dinner time, that he was done with me.
I freaked out and I got scared to come home. I was going to get a hotel room, but I learned he cut the credit card. I was forced to go home…
This was over a year ago. Since then, we have had many more issues…. but good times, as well.
However, now he lost his job and is starting a new business. He has business loans but is depending on my income to pay all the normal bills of the house. I can’t afford ALL of his bills, but I wouldn’t know. He will handle all the money.
I have been considering leaving (silently) and I haven’t deposited my check from Friday. He is on a war path and he told me that if I don’t become a “good partner” and “dependable with my money” that he will have to “take care of himself” and that could mean moving away to get a better job.
He said that he can’t deal with my “feelings anymore” and I better just figure out if I am in or if i am out.
I said, well, if I am supporting all this — I would like to be married. I am paying his mortgage, car, child support etc. He said no. He can’t marry me right now and my demands for marriage make him feel trapped and very concerned about my motivation to “trap him”.
I cried and said I can’t believe he would say this….He told me that my crying is manipulation and makes him want to run further from me.
We had this convo last night when I gently asked him if he had any idea of a wedding date/year? He blew up and said that most men want to come home to a soft/loving woman who wants to be sexy. Not ask a million questions and that he doesn’t want a mate like this — andI need to change my behavior.
He literally said — I am a strong force and I hope you know that if someone challenges me I will ALWAYS win.
Now, I believe he will be profitable with his business soon and I think a lot of what he’s saying is bluffing…because I have tried to leave him before and he BEGS (and bullies) me back. He literally has chased me as I was leaving.. before.
Now, he says he has no time for this and he can’t possibly deal with me like this any longer…and I better get the message fast.
In addition, he is adopted. He met his bio mom about 4 years ago…before he met me. HER husband (who he has met a couple of times) just died of cancer yesterday.
He feels it’s imperative that he attend the funeral and he wants me to go. I said okay. I know I will eventually have to pay the credit card bill, but okay…
He told me yesterday that his 22 year old daughter wants to attend this funeral too. She told my fiance that he should pay for her. He told her that I am paying for the trip because money is tight. Her response? She should pay for ME because at least I am family — she isn’t. I should go in her place.
I had a shocked look on my face when he said that to me…and he said “don’t look at me like that — you better back off because she is my daughter — and I told her she isn’t going, that you are because you are paying…” I said how about because you WANT me to go? He said that he couldn’t believe I said that — that he wouldn’t have invited me if he didn’t want me to go…
He said that his entire family has warned him that I am not going to help him for long and that they are very worried about him with him with me…. and that I have a lot to prove because our past issues…
I know none of this sounds good. Is there anything in here that I am at fault for? I am not perfect — but I also feel so sad about all of this.
He told me this morning that he is sick of fighting day and in and day out. I said I DO NOT FIGHT — he said well you start the fights because you have a question for everything…
