I just want to throw in the towel

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Feb 2, 2018
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#1
I have been married for 6 months now. My husband works in the oil field and is gone most of the time. I just recently found out he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. His truck was impounded and he lied and said that he double parked in the wrong spot. Then he later confessed and said that he was arrested. He also confessed to wanting to cheat on me with 5 different women. He swears that he has never physically cheated on me but I don't know if I can believe that. He has lied before. I'm just lost right now I need advice. I love him but I feel like once a cheater will always be a cheater. Everyone is telling me to get a divorce while I'm still early in the marriage. He is not the man I thought I married. I feel like such a fool to put my trust in him. He has confessed that he has wanted to step out on me since we first started dating. I have been faithful to this man from day one. What did I do wrong?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,353
1,300
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#2
YOU didn't do anything wrong. He's full of crap, saying he hasn't cheated on you. He got arrested for soliciting sex!!! You need to nullify this train wreck NOW. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. They don't stop, they don't want to. They don't know how.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#3
I have been married for 6 months now. My husband works in the oil field and is gone most of the time. I just recently found out he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. His truck was impounded and he lied and said that he double parked in the wrong spot. Then he later confessed and said that he was arrested. He also confessed to wanting to cheat on me with 5 different women. He swears that he has never physically cheated on me but I don't know if I can believe that. He has lied before. I'm just lost right now I need advice. I love him but I feel like once a cheater will always be a cheater. Everyone is telling me to get a divorce while I'm still early in the marriage. He is not the man I thought I married. I feel like such a fool to put my trust in him. He has confessed that he has wanted to step out on me since we first started dating. I have been faithful to this man from day one. What did I do wrong?
How recently is "recently?" As in a few hours ago, a week ago, two weeks ago? (I remember your last post, so assuming closer than that.) It matters, because when something like this happens the first reaction is nothing but emotions. I'm not saying your emotions are wrong. (Emotionally speaking, apart from something about wanting to physically hurt him, you're emotions reflect about what I'd feel if hubby did this to me too.) But you really can't act on emotions either. And it's very hard, (I'm thinking impossible), to think when this upset. It's hard to do anything this upset.

So, wait. Not for him, for you. Wait until you get your brain back.There's no telling how long that takes for something like this, but wait. And if you have to, (which is a good idea, but if you have the personality to not do this, it's not a requirement), have him leave until you do get your brain back. (If he works on a drilling platform, he knows how to live away from home, so he has more experience at that then you do -- and his mess, so he's the one that should leave.)

And once you get your brain back, do the obvious thing -- pray. Because only God can give you this one. Only God can give you some idea of where to go from here.

Once a cheater always a cheater? Not necessarily. Often. Even usually, but not always. You're forgetting who can change our nature -- God.

No hint if your husband is saved. Even if he thinks he is, between this and your last post, he obviously isn't. But that's who can change him -- the Lord.

So regain your balance back, pray, and then seek the Lord's word on what to do now. He does answer those who seek. He will give you wisdom in this.

As for what you did wrong? So far, it sounds like you trusted him. That's not so much your wrong as it is his wrong. He is obviously not trustworthy. The bigger question is what the Lord wants you to do next, given what's going on now.

(And, yeah, Blue will always assume wives should leave their husbands, so, unless you've already decided that and wanted someone to agree with you, that's not helpful.)
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,502
509
113
#4
My question is if he's been dishonest with you from the begining why do you ask what You did wrong? Do you believe he was an honest, good guy, but when he met you he suddenly became a liar and cheat? Or does it make more sense that he was that way before you met him and it has nothing to do with you?
People who get cheated in often blame themselves for failing, but chronic cheaters are that way long before. Usually it's a pattern among everyone they're with.
 

Waggles

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2017
1,902
253
83
South Australia
adelaiderevival.com
#5
Jesus said "thou shall not commit adultery"

and went on to say

that before God adultery is the only grounds for divorce

follow God's wisdom He knows best
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,437
384
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#6
I have been faithful to this man from day one. What did I do wrong?
You failed to assess this man's character. Obviously his "love" for you is superficial. You might as well divorce him and move on.
 
Feb 2, 2018
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#7
He never showed any signs of cheating when we were dating. He just confessed about everything a few days ago.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,437
384
83
#8
He never showed any signs of cheating when we were dating. He just confessed about everything a few days ago.
Well, any way you look at it this is tragic. But you need to face the facts. This marriage was a sham, and you cannot expect to "fix" that. Also, assuming you are a Christian, you will need to be very clear about the spiritual condition of anyone you may consider in future. That will determine their character.
 
Feb 7, 2018
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#9
Maybe you should try Judge Toler, or a marriage counselor. See if he wants to change. Do you want to give him another chance?
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#10
He never showed any signs of cheating when we were dating. He just confessed about everything a few days ago.
I really do know the obvious thing to do is divorce him. My reservation is God doesn't always have us do the obvious thing. That's the reason I ask you to pray and seek the Lord.

My husband was married before and she did cheat on him. He studied the Bible to find out what God would have him do, and got the inobvious answer -- stay. He did.

And she cheated again. And he did the same thing, but this time the Lord told him it's over. It was hell on him. BUT, had he not sought God's will, I would not have married him. I need a man willing to take his walk that far.

And he got a woman who could never hurt him that much because of it.

I also know about Hosea, who God told to marry a prostitute. So it is not within the realms of impossibilities that the Lord might say to stay. All other examples biblically, do say leave. Just make sure you check with God to find his answer for you.

Hubby lives with much regret over that woman. He has no regrets knowing he followed what the Lord would have him do both times. (And the story continued with that relationship even after the marriage was over, so do not think it was only that hard. It was harder than I'm saying.)

We're all going to advice you and then continue with our lives. You're the one who has to live with the upcoming outcome. Stick with the Lord, and the pain will still be there, BUT you will know you've done the right thing and were guided, and comforted, by the Lord. There will be regret, but you won't add to it.
 

Lucy68

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#11
So sorry you're hurting! That was great advice about waiting until your brain is working right...many times I've failed to do just that. And it seems like most of the time, we have to wait on the Lord. I think His time piece works more slowly than ours. Or, probably, He's working behind the scenes and wants us just to sit in His presence and wait. And He will mourn with us.

I don't think the OT story of Gomer really applies here because God was sending a powerful message to Israel (who was 'prostituting herself' to other gods) by telling the prophet to not abandon his prostitute wife.

Paul says: 1st Corinthians 7:14 "the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife"...or "the unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believing one" is usually how that is interpreted. What does that mean? Well it doesn't mean a free ride. I think it means that the believing one can, and should, do everything in their power to influence the unbelieving one into believing in Christ and accepting Him as Savior. Then after giving that a good try, which is very hard, if the unbeliever continues in adultery, divorce may be the only option. It is a good opportunity to practice forgiveness. But that doesn't mean there can't be boundaries. Your heart is important too. At least you can say you tried. Regrets are awful things to carry around for a lifetime. And wonder 'what if' ? Not only will you be attempting to help him, you will also be investing in your future self.

I don't think it does any good to look back and ask what you could have done differently...it's too late anyway. But for your own conscience sake, and I think for Jesus' sake too, you could make an effort to get him into Christian counseling and pray that the scales will be removed from his eyes and his ears will open up. Even if you do wind up getting divorced, you know in your heart that you tried to help your lost husband. And then you can move on.

I have to say if this was me I don't really know if I could do this...but I HOPE I COULD :).
 

grace4ever

Junior Member
Aug 17, 2017
11
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#12
Dear DeterminedBeing 7631,
Iam so sorry for your situation. It sounds that you have been through a lot recently. Remember that you are valuable, important and a person worth of dignity. Please let me tell you that you do have a purpose in life. Have youever thought of when two persons get married both of them bring their own baggage?Christian counseling can be helpful to work through things like this. Maybe you can encourage him to seek individual therapy and then you can take the therapytogether. He should confess all to you even if he has wounds from hischildhood. You and your husband arevaluable and worth fighting for. Through therapy both of you can discover thatand help each other. .Problems and struggles will come for any married couple. Sometimes we can create myths regards this topic. All relationship willencounter struggles. This list is very important for that you are goingthrough: https://list.ly/list/1SmK-living-in-the-wake-of-fractured-vows . The main point ofthis is as a follow Christian I encourage you to seek God’s wisdom throughprayer that can fight the battle that you can’t and you invite Him in to yourrelationship. I encourage you to let Him be in charge or your situation. I encourage you to think positively aboutcounseling or therapy. Let me tell youthat there’s no perfect persons, so there’s not perfect marriage. But there’scouples who never give up and want to fight for their relationship and eachother. Have you ever watched the movie, The War Room or Fireproof? These movieswill make you think that marriage is not easy but it is worth to fighting forwith the Lord beside you. I hope this will change your mindset of marriage andcommitment to request help of a third part is for brave people or couragecouples. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend. Keep us –posted-Ok!
 
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Myhealer

Junior Member
Oct 20, 2017
5
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#13
I am really sorry to hear about all you are going through. Divorce is definitely not God's plan. However, adultery is something God does not approve and as far as I understand that before God adultery is the only ground for divorce. You mentioned that your husband has confessed that he was wanting to cheat on you and that he wanted to step out on your since you started dating? What could be the reason behind him marrying you? Was yours a marriage arranged by your parents? You have done your part well by being faithful in your relationship and don't ever think that this faithfulness you showed to your husband will ever go waste. God will one day honor you for it. Don't blame yourself and spend time thinking what you did wrong. Because nothing you have done should ever lead your husband to cheat on you. Before taking any decision, I would suggest that you spend time praying for God's wisdom. You could also pray along with a few trusted friends. You may want to to talk to a counsellor about how to proceed from here. Please let me know if you want to talk to a counsellor. You will surely get through this my dear friend. Praying for wisdom and healing over you.
 

Prov910

Senior Member
Jan 10, 2017
880
41
0
#14
He never showed any signs of cheating when we were dating. He just confessed about everything a few days ago.
Did he confess because he regrets his actions, is repenting, and is trying to turn things around? Or because you caught him dead to rights? It might make a difference in how you respond to him.

I hope things work out for you, one way or the other.
 

AuntieAnt

Senior Member
Feb 23, 2016
3,907
332
83
#15
I have been married for 6 months now. My husband works in the oil field and is gone most of the time. I just recently found out he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. His truck was impounded and he lied and said that he double parked in the wrong spot. Then he later confessed and said that he was arrested. He also confessed to wanting to cheat on me with 5 different women. He swears that he has never physically cheated on me but I don't know if I can believe that. He has lied before. I'm just lost right now I need advice. I love him but I feel like once a cheater will always be a cheater. Everyone is telling me to get a divorce while I'm still early in the marriage. He is not the man I thought I married. I feel like such a fool to put my trust in him. He has confessed that he has wanted to step out on me since we first started dating. I have been faithful to this man from day one. What did I do wrong?
He never showed any signs of cheating when we were dating. He just confessed about everything a few days ago.
You didn't notice any signs... you have been faithful since day one... you feel like a fool... because the eyes of your heart were pure toward him and he has betrayed that pure love.

You said in your previous thread (over a month ago) that a woman messaged you on Facebook that your husband was giving her money and she sent you proof of it. You also said you felt in your spirit something was going on between this woman and your husband but added, “There is no way of me knowing what he is doing.” Well, now you have undeniable proof because he was arrested for soliciting a prostitute.

Do you suppose the woman who messaged you on FB was a prostitute? I mean, your husband said the woman was “trash”, so perhaps he picked her up at a truck stop & did business with her there. Maybe she wanted to break up your marriage so she could have your husband as a sugar daddy.

Married only 6 months and all this corruption already in your marriage. And on top of that, he tells you he’s always been tempted to cheat on you. Dear young woman, I seriously hope you find a Christian counselor ASAP. This is not something to play around with any longer as your husband is putting you at risk of disease and trouble and brokenness. I believe separation would benefit you but again, you need to talk to a professional counselor and consider their godly advice with prayer. I hope you didn’t delete the screen shots of proof that you said you had in your phone.

Nothing is impossible with God. God can fix a marriage if your husband repents. And God can help you move on without him if he doesn’t. If you were my daughter, he’d be moved out of your house already. But I’m not God. I’m just a mom and grandmommy. So listen to the Lord in your heart.

Blessings of peace and grace to you, dear. Love in Christ Jesus, Auntie
 
Feb 2, 2018
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#16
Yes I am seeking counseling for our marriage. I don't want to get a divorce without at least getting marriage counseling. I don't want to get married again but if he doesn't repent and change his ways then we are done.
 

AuntieAnt

Senior Member
Feb 23, 2016
3,907
332
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#18
I just wish he would of told me all of this before we got married.
Nevertheless, precious sister God knows everything and even goes before us making a way where there is no way. In all things, God is faithful and will keep us and meet all of our needs. He will continually build us up in Him and make us more & more into the image of Jesus Christ.

I'm praying with you that whatever you ask in prayer believing, you will receive according to God's perfect will for your life. Blessings to you, dear! :::hugs:::
 
Apr 22, 2017
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#19
It takes time and a lot of patience with godly counsel to find and seek a godly husband.Marring an unbeliever is a no no.you scriptually must be equally yoked.If this man doesn't work out spend the next year and a half getting over a rebound and praying for God's help in choosing your next. Asking always for wisdom and keep your emotions out of it till you
Hear and understand his guidance.Envite him to your parents or pastors house for a meal and get some mature imput.Be a harder to get better catch.You are VALUABLE to God.He payed an awful price for you.You deserve better. PRAYER AND INTIMACY WITH GOD IS EVERYTHING. God would not let you be deceived if you really beseech (knock with your heart) Him. My prayers for him to lead you step by step.Shalom in Yeshua (Jesus) Determined sister!
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
2,855
160
63
#20
I have been married for 6 months now. My husband works in the oil field and is gone most of the time. I just recently found out he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. His truck was impounded and he lied and said that he double parked in the wrong spot. Then he later confessed and said that he was arrested. He also confessed to wanting to cheat on me with 5 different women. He swears that he has never physically cheated on me but I don't know if I can believe that. He has lied before. I'm just lost right now I need advice. I love him but I feel like once a cheater will always be a cheater. Everyone is telling me to get a divorce while I'm still early in the marriage. He is not the man I thought I married. I feel like such a fool to put my trust in him. He has confessed that he has wanted to step out on me since we first started dating. I have been faithful to this man from day one. What did I do wrong?
Divorce is accepted in the NT if the partner has committed adultery... If i where in your position ( and i did not have Children / was pregnant ) i would divorce...

Sadly 9 times out of 10 a cheater will cheat again.. I would not bring a Child into this world to face the trauma of a futre divorce when the cheating partner inevitably cheats again.. So if you are free of Children then make the break and seek out another, more noble man..

May the Holy Spirit guide your way..