I need some advice...and prayer. My nine year old girl.

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

DIscipline doesn't mean intimidation or a beat down....I means to train her. Instead of filling her time with activities which she may enjoy, fill her time with family things, showing her that you are her daddy, and not just some man her mama married. Teach her what respect means. Teach her tact, awareness, SELFLESSNESS and not selfishness, teach her to rely on God by showing her you relying on God. Train her...don't intimidate her. ANd yes, sometimes, at least at first, that will require punishments for poor behavior, but that also has to come with understandings and teaching. You might see the best in her, but no one else can until she learns how to behave in a manner that draws others to her instead of in a manner that pushes everyone away from you. She's manipulating you and your friends. Would you allow someone else to manipulate you like she does? I doubt it, so why are you allowing her to do so? Do you feel guilty towards her for some reason? If so deal with it, and then discipline her.

We do family things. A good amount of them. I don't think I have any guilt. The rest of your advice is good, thank you.

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

popeye said:

I live in a smallish town.

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

It is better here then the city in that regard.

purpose · Feb 22, 2016

Continue to Love her! Love her more than ever! She needs That Now!!!!! Plan A Dad and Daughter day! Take her out to Lunch. Do what she enjoys! Hopefully with this she will open up and draw closer to the relationship. ! We have to remember that as a child she is going thru a rough time! Losing her Mom! It is certain that she may be confused and I'm sure she is. Continue with Love, Kindness, Most Important Understanding! Build That solid rock foundation a Daughter needs with her Father! No matter what!. I will Keep you in My Prayers! God Bless You!

AmberJeanetteGardner · Feb 22, 2016

Seriously, watch Supernanny I kid you not. Go to youtube and watch. Plenty of the children are around 10 years old and some far worse than yours. She helps a lot.

coby · Feb 22, 2016

AmberJeanetteGardner said:

Yes she´s really good. I once heard a preacher say he watched Supernanny and learned from her.
Oh my just watch it, makes you feel much better. Hey it´s not that bad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFSC6Zn9qXg

coby · Feb 22, 2016

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbbHrcJcNP0

coby · Feb 22, 2016

Oh just one other, single dad with 4 kids
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc82dNaHw_8

Depleted · Feb 22, 2016

JosephsDreams said:

I'm assuming you picked your friends because you like and trust them. THEY told you what's wrong and what to do about it. If you don't trust friends, why would you trust strangers?

As for "just about every study," "just about every study says" 80% of America is Christian. They're wrong. "Just about every study" says we're in global warming. They're wrong and that's not true. "Just about every scientist" believes in evolution. That's wrong and not true.

Sure, spend your life believing generalities. Or go for the obvious approach and thinking God got it right. He's the one who instituted the death sentence for children that disrespect their parents, and then be glad that sentence isn't part of today's judicial system. But think about it, God really doesn't like the idea of children being disrespectful, but you're teaching your daughter it's okay.

Depleted · Feb 22, 2016

JosephsDreams said:

Seriously, you think the christian rehab programs work better? Was that in some study too? I AM a success story for secular rehab. I worked for them afterward. I met the ones who failed the Christian programs. They were clients of the one I went through and then worked for. (Funny. The problem with the Christian programs is exactly what you fear we're suggesting for your daughter -- militant boot camp style that they thought would work. And here you are boasting of their outcome.)

Yup. You've read the propaganda just right to go with what you feel is right. You're even twisting what most of us are saying to make us look wrong. Where was that robot comment?

I have enough experience in social services to know where your daughter is heading. I'm also a believer, so know some miraculous stories of God's intervention. I will pray for the latter, because you seem determined to head her for the former.

Depleted · Feb 22, 2016

popeye said:

Thanks for generalizing "city folk," dude!

I have lived in the sticks, in small towns, in a fairly decent size city (Joliet, IL), and now in Philly. Same percentages for the populations, just a lot more population in the city.

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

AmberJeanetteGardner said:

I will watch it.

coby · Feb 22, 2016

I got help from a woman for a few months and it was really helpful. They know a lot. The best thing she taught me, since my ex demanded that I got help, because I wasn't severe enough etc. nothing was good, was that I was doing it good and that I was able to do it. It was no problem that I raised them way different. He has all those rules, is strict, we coparent and I hate all those nonsense rules. She taught me to set some boundaries, just the things that are good for them and what I want. You get some tricks but the most important thing was really: You can do it and do it because you want to and because it's good for them. Also I always wanted to be kind to them, but I saw that it is not kind at all if I let my kids walk all over me.
Christ lives in you. You are a good dad. You can do it. It's great that you love her and that you are not controlling. Get some tips from Supernanny and wisdom from God, know who you are in Christ.
This ministry is awesome:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGFIIccXU2I

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

Depleted said:

Lynn, Teenage challenge is infinitely more successful then secular programs. All the stats say so. But that's right, you don't believe them. Christians programs are such liars about their stats.
There are also so are many other Christian rehabs more successful, if they are real deal Christian rehabs, not in name only. I personally was very friendly with the leader of Anchor House in Brooklyn, NY, and if I recall correctly, I think he had a 88% to 94% long term success rate. Do you know what the general success rate is in secular programs?
Your not even making sense when you say that because a secular program worked for you, that Christian rehabs are not more successful. When does 2 and 2 equal 5?
And okay, you don't believe in studies, Great. How to you determine things that need quantifiable data? Do you flip a coin? It sure sounds like it.
By the way, evolution is not a science based study. Maybe you have not heard, but it is a theory. Why are you even comparing it to a study?
The comment about friends makes no sense either. So because I trust my friends means I can't ask others what they think? Is that offensive to you?
i am not twisting anyone's comments. Those are my words, the robot comment, that I made. I never quoted anyone, or even implied anyone said that.
Your right about this much; hitting and disrespecting parents is a grave sin. That is why I am here asking for advise and prayers. I would never have even given it a thought when I was that age. I find it reprehensible.
Your really confused about what I am saying. I never put down Christian boot camps. When did I write that? I never put down discipline.
I know where my daughter may be heading also, and I didn't even need years of social service work to figure that out.
Why do you think I am here, because I don't trust my friends?
Well, thank you for your prayers. I/we need them. At least we can agree on that.

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

coby said:

I got help from a woman for a few months and it was really helpful. They know a lot. The best thing she taught me, since my ex demanded that I got help, because I wasn't severe enough etc. nothing was good, was that I was doing it good and that I was able to do it. It was no problem that I raised them way different. He has all those rules, is strict, we coparent and I hate all those nonsense rules. She taught me to set some boundaries, just the things that are good for them and what I want. You get some tricks but the most important thing was really: You can do it and do it because you want to and because it's good for them. Also I always wanted to be kind to them, but I saw that it is not kind at all if I let my kids walk all over me.
Christ lives in you. You are a good dad. You can do it. It's great that you love her and that you are not controlling. Get some tips from Supernanny and wisdom from God, know who you are in Christ.
This ministry is awesome:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGFIIccXU2I

Thank you for the encouraging words. I will watch it.

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

Depleted said:

Can you point me to a study?

Kidding...

spunkycat08 · Feb 22, 2016

OP:

Here is a book on Christian boundaries...

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend, Richard Fredricks: 9781480554979: Amazon.com: Books

JosephsDreams · Feb 22, 2016

I just ordered it.

kaylagrl · Feb 23, 2016

JosephsDreams said:

I'm not sure you'll like the advice I'm going to give but I have a unique perspective. But first I have to say there is no such thing as generational curses. People do not understand that verse and it is not scriptural. Your child does not have a bad spirit. She has been poorly taught and disciplined by both you and your former wife.

I'm not a parent but my aunt died at the age of 43 of cancer. She was my mothers sister.Her daughter was 16 when her mother took cancer. And she went to pieces.She was also not disciplined properly. She was on drugs and drinking,having sex with young guys,she lost it. She beat up her younger brother.As her mother grew more ill her father,like you,did not know what to do with her.This is where I stepped in. There are several years between us.My mother tried her best to help her but she would just laugh or be disrespectful. One day she was talking to my mother on the phone and was so rude that my mom was crying when she got off the phone. I said "thats enough"! I told her she would never take that behavior from us.I told her to call her back and tell her she is not talking to her mother,that you are her aunt and you will not take that kind of disrespect. Tell her you love her and are there for her but she will not speak to you that way again. Today she is like a daughter to my mother,they think the world of each other,she just had to be put in her place.

But during that time she was a wild thing to deal with.Her mother was so sick but worried about her,her father couldn't handle her and her brother was afraid of her.One night after church I walked up to her and told her to get in our van.She was with her boyfriend. I began to tell her she was upsetting her family.She jumped me and got mouthy. I turned and said "You listen to me young lady,I'm not your catty girlfriends at school.If we are going to throw down,Im going to win.I've had enough of you and your disrespect for your family. We are trying to help you and you are acting like a spoiled brat" She started to cry. She broke for the first time.We stayed close to her and she began to open up.Then whenever she needed advice she would call. Today she is married with three boys and a strong Christian along with her husband.

So I said all that to say this...Your daughter is hurting,she is in a tailspin.She doesn't know how to act or how to make the pain go away.She has no strong guidance. If she saw problems between you and your wife,and if she heard things from your MIL she's confused. Kids should never ever have to deal with adult problems,they have no power to change anything.I dont know if you divorced your wife or you stayed together and fought. Im not clear but there were obviously issues there. So now her mother is gone and she's looking for a strong place to fall. Yes,she's rude,she's acting from pain. But you cant let her act this way. It will limit her future,no matter how smart or high her IQ is. You must be very firm and very loving.You are not her friend,you are her parent. When she is rude to guests you tell her to apologize and go to her room.Let friends know you are in crisis right now.She is pushing the limits to see where you say "no more" She needs you to step up and be her soft place to fall but also her strong guidance. You also need to explain that sometimes adults,like kids,have issues and sometimes don't treat each other the way they should.You need to tell her you are sorry that you involved her in adult things.If you loved her mother,tell her you did. But also explain that sometimes adults can act like kids too and you are sorry if you hurt her mother. Dont get into details,apologize.She resents you for her mothers sake. You need to break that barrier.If you allow her to be willful and rude and won't step up as a parent you are ruining her future.There is no break to being a parent.You alone are now responsible. Be firm but loving. Pick your battles but when you do you don't back down and dont let her win. If you cannot stand up to her now you will have a teenager that is hell to deal with.

Finally you need to find her currency.What is it that she loves doing the most.What really makes her happy. Find that out and do that with her.Speak to her in her calm times.Go to a park,go shopping,go with her to get her nails done,just find a way to be on her level and relate to her so she can open up with you. Reward good behavior. If there is a woman she trusts you can have her around at times but you still need to find a way to relate to her.She's about to have a lot more issues as a teen girl.So you better take firm,but loving,control right now. This girl is broken in pain and in deep need of her dad.Be there for her. You will change her path in life if you do.

Ugly · Feb 23, 2016

You 'sometimes' punish, but most of the time do nothing. And verbally correcting her obviously has no effect, so why do you keep expecting it to? The key to disciplining children is consistency. Which you yourself have shown you do not use towards your daughter. Right now your daughter knows that, most of the time, she gets away with whatever she wants. And *gasp, she does and says whatever she wants!
Not meaning this to be insulting, but it's a truth... you sound like you need to grow a pair. You let your wife dominate you. Now you let your daughter rule you. If you let your wife do that to you, is it any idea where your daughter learned it from? Your 9 year old daughter runs your life and all you can do is come on here and 'gosh i don't know what i'm doing wrong'. What you're doing wrong is letting a 9 year old run the house and run you. How about setting some Real rules? Some real boundaries? Some real punishments? Try being consistent. Try being firm. Try sitting down and communicating with your daughter, instead of sending her to strangers to do it for you. Not that i'm against therapy, but for kids, that's only part of the solution.
And if you have her seeing two, then either you need to have found out that she has been diagnosed, by both, with some sort of mental disorder. Otherwise you are not helping her, and may be damaging her. If she feels that she is so bad and wrong of a person that she needs two counselors, then she may simply continue acting in a way that she feels she is viewed. Very common for kids and adults to act in the way they think they are perceived.
If your daughter has actually been diagnosed with a mental disorder then you need to be talking to the counselors too. Learning all about the condition, what to expect and the best way to handle her and her behavior.
It's also been established that people with mental disorders in 'advanced' societies like the US have a lower recovery rate than people in poor countries that live in villages and don't have access to mental health professionals. The reason? In the US and similar countries people with mental disorders are set apart and viewed as a problem, and treated differently. In poorer countries people with mental disorders are expected to work, pitch in to the village and otherwise treated normally. Because their mental disorder does not cause them to be separated from the society, they don't feel as an outsider, and conform to the role expected of them. This is healing. Those who are so bad they are not capable of living up to those standards are viewed as shaman. This is most common in schizoprenics, but i think there's an overall lesson about how we treat people and how it affects them.
If your daughter does well in school, but only acts like this at home, that pretty much proves it's not a mental condition though. It's not borderline anything. It just means she knows how she can act at school, and how she can act at home. Since most kids will push to get away with as much as possible, that's what she's doing.
I don't know the details of your married life, but she obviously has some bitterness towards you about it. Perhaps sit and talk with her about it. Or ask to go into one of the counseling sessions and plan out to have the counselor help this discussion.
It's time to take the reins back from your 9 year old daughter, stand up, be a man and a father and a leader. This isn't to say be dominating and controlling, it simply means to be in charge, and leave no doubt. It means to communicate. To take action. To DO something about your situation, not watch it happen to you. To quit making excuses for your daughter and learn the difference between being understanding and giving a little grace to a special situation (her mother dying) and being an enabler. It's not about breaking anyones spirit, it's about being a parent. Discipline is about teaching children right and wrong and learning consequences. Doesn't mean you have to break their spirit in order to do that. You're damaging her now. Discipline done properly would put an end to the damage you're causing her by letting her run wild, which you are basically doing. If you don't teach her now, in love, then someone who doesn't love her will put her in her place one day. And that will be way more damaging.
Love isn't passive, it's active. Sometimes it's gentle, but sometimes it's tough.

I need some advice...and prayer. My nine year old girl.

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