Introduction

[dottie76]

Hello everyone,

I am hoping to find some Godly advice and support. I am struggling to hang on to a 20 year marriage that may be impossible. My husband has been chatting with a female online and refuses to stop talking to her. He remains very caring and loving to me but chats with this unknown woman when he is not around me. He also says that he feels he cannot be a better man staying married and that he deserves to be alone. We have 2 children (19 and 16). He is all I have known and I love him. I feel like he has stepped into sin heavily and he is not focused on walking toward Godly ways. I cannot make him understand that he should fight four our marriage, protect our marriage, and follow the Lord. I know God hates divorce but if he continues this relationship, what is the biblical advice?

Thanks for listening!

Tearfully,
dottie76

 

[blue_ladybug]

Welcome to CC. This forum is only for introducing yourself. Your OP is much more appropriate for the Family forum. Would you like me to ask a mod to move it there for you?

 

[dottie76]

Yes please

 

[blue_ladybug]

You're welcome.

Yes please

 

[tourist]

The only way he can become a better man is to become a better husband to you. His behavior is totally inappropriate and is causing great harm to your marriage. At this point, if he continues down this path, I would consider, however painful it may be, divorce. Continue to pray for him.

I have said a prayer for your husband to become a humble servant to the Lord and a loving, faithful husband to you. I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling but please know that you are not alone in this type of suffering. Hopefully, you will find support and understanding from the members of this site.

Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

 

[dottie76]

Thanks so much! Your words are the very words I have been telling him but he isn't listening. He has no interest in counseling so I feel like I am at an impasse.

 

[notuptome]

You could pray that God puts warts on his nose. Sometimes the only thing that get a mans attention is a little tribulation from God, tribulation in the flesh often helps redirect the heart.

For the cause of Christ
roger

 

[resurrection33]

Hello everyone,

I am hoping to find some Godly advice and support. I am struggling to hang on to a 20 year marriage that may be impossible. My husband has been chatting with a female online and refuses to stop talking to her. He remains very caring and loving to me but chats with this unknown woman when he is not around me. He also says that he feels he cannot be a better man staying married and that he deserves to be alone. We have 2 children (19 and 16). He is all I have known and I love him. I feel like he has stepped into sin heavily and he is not focused on walking toward Godly ways. I cannot make him understand that he should fight four our marriage, protect our marriage, and follow the Lord. I know God hates divorce but if he continues this relationship, what is the biblical advice?

Thanks for listening!

Tearfully,
dottie76

You are allowed to divorce your husband if he engages in unchaste behavior:

And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery." Matt 19:9 RSV

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to do that. It sounds like he is well on his way to committing adultery, but if you want to save the marriage, and if he hasn’t committed adultery yet, then I’d try to save the marriage.

 

[SunsSunny]

Wow Dottie ! This post has moved me deeply, as I put myself in your shoes. I too would have no choice but to sign, tearfully. God please touch Dottie and her husband's heart right now in this moment. For Dottie, to give her clarity of mind and peace. For her husband , a conviction of wrong doing so that the could be reconciled to each other. In Christ I pray.

i hope this is just a mid-life crisis for him, and that he will be understanding and open when you approach him, presenting to him your broken heart which has loved him for so many years. I am confident that as long as your heart is full of The Lord,your joy will not be stolen from you. Rather even in times of deep sorrow you will find deep joy.

 

[beachin]

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to do that. It sounds like he is well on his way to committing adultery, but if you want to save the marriage, and if he hasn’t committed adultery yet, then I’d try to save the marriage.

Resurrection has some wise words. I definitely agree with him.

It's a tough situation, however, I would encourage you to not rush into any decisions. Keep praying, Dottie. You can also seek solid, Biblical counseling for yourself even if he won't to help you deal with the emotions, etc. But, having been through a divorce myself and having friends recently on the brink of divorce, one thing we all had in common was wanting to be sure we gave it our all first. If you do end up divorced, you want to be in that position with no regrets, knowing that you tried everything you could and waited for God to show you that you had given it your all. You don't want to have to deal with a divorce and be questioning whether or not it was the right thing to do. Hopefully, your husband will wake up and start listening and living for God and you won't be in that situation though.

 

[dottie76]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words and solid advice. Please continue to pray for me! I will need all the prayers I can get!

 

[fivegrands]

You have already received some excellent advice. The only thing I would like to emphasize is to hang in there, be patient and let your husband be the one to break up the marriage if that is the choice he makes. Continue showing as much love as you can by your actions toward him and put your family completely in God's hands. You can trust God's heart even when life doesn't make sense, and rest in His love for you, your children and your husband. If your husband does make a poor choice, you will be able to rest in the fact that you did all that you could. Stay strong and pray without ceasing.

 

[dottie76]

I can't thank you enough. I awoke to this message and it truly inspired me. I will carry it throughout today and future days! I need to have peace that I did everything I could do and I want to be able to hear the voice of God when he tells me what my next move is. I will continue to pray, pray, and pray some more!

 

[fivegrands]

I am praying with you and know that God will be your constant companion.

 

[Angela53510]

Was your husband always this selfish and self-centred? Have you always danced to his every whim, and found it hard to please him anyway?

If not, then there may be hope! He may be having an early mid life crisis. I would get your pastor to call him and pray with him.
and deal with him. But if your pastor blames you, and says that you need to try harder as a wife, then you have found a major part of the problem. Wives need to be lovepd, as Paul explains in Eph. 5, among other places.

Your husband is not loving you, but betraying you, and I pray something will make him smarten up, and change his fascination with forbidden fruit, to the fulfillment of a loving husband in marriage with you.

If marriage had always been "all about him" you might have some real issues salvaging your marriage. Like others have said, wait till he breaks your marriage vows to leave him. But do not hang around being used and abused by an adulterer.

Praying for peace and for direction sooner rather than later!

 

[dottie76]

Angela,

Thanks for asking the hard questions because I need to really evaluate my life and my next move. I am praying hard and trying harder to give the wheel to Jesus. For the past 16 years he has periods every 2-4 years where he joins dating websites and starts chatting with what I think he believes is women who promise love and ask for money. He will do this for a few months and when I find it out, he says that I deserve better, he doesn't know why he does it, and that he deserves to be alone. He will then get bored or I will block the contacts and he stops for a few more years. He is totally devoted after these incidences and when things are good, they are great. However, he often puts it one me stating that my family has made things difficult throughout the 20 years of our marriage (true) and that I disappointed him. I don't think that it's fair to make me feel like I am the cause for his sin, especially over something I cannot change. All I can do is apologize. He refuses to face it or even talk to me about it. He also refuses to speak to the pastor or seek counseling. In the past 2 months he has wired 600.00 to 2 "women" in Ghana giving him a sad story about need money. Meanwhile, he hasn't been paying the mortgage, one of the 3 bills that he is supposed to be paying for us. He doesn't know that I know this and I feel like I need to consult with my attorney because I cannot afford to pay the mortgage let alone catch it up. So yes, pretty selfish....
Sorry to vent but I have no one else to talk to and I don't feel judged her for my decisions or talking this out...

Dottie

 

[NewWine]

Praying for peace in your heart as you prayerfully make these decisions.

 

[dottie76]

Thank you so much! I need prayer warriors!

 

[Angela53510]

Angela,

Thanks for asking the hard questions because I need to really evaluate my life and my next move. I am praying hard and trying harder to give the wheel to Jesus. For the past 16 years he has periods every 2-4 years where he joins dating websites and starts chatting with what I think he believes is women who promise love and ask for money. He will do this for a few months and when I find it out, he says that I deserve better, he doesn't know why he does it, and that he deserves to be alone. He will then get bored or I will block the contacts and he stops for a few more years. He is totally devoted after these incidences and when things are good, they are great. However, he often puts it one me stating that my family has made things difficult throughout the 20 years of our marriage (true) and that I disappointed him. I don't think that it's fair to make me feel like I am the cause for his sin, especially over something I cannot change. All I can do is apologize. He refuses to face it or even talk to me about it. He also refuses to speak to the pastor or seek counseling. In the past 2 months he has wired 600.00 to 2 "women" in Ghana giving him a sad story about need money. Meanwhile, he hasn't been paying the mortgage, one of the 3 bills that he is supposed to be paying for us. He doesn't know that I know this and I feel like I need to consult with my attorney because I cannot afford to pay the mortgage let alone catch it up. So yes, pretty selfish....
Sorry to vent but I have no one else to talk to and I don't feel judged her for my decisions or talking this out...

Dottie

So sorry to hear what I suspected is true! I guess now, you have to decide if you are going to put up with his philandering another 30 or 40 years, or put a end to it. Especially if he is giving money to these gold diggers, who are not even available, instead of paying the mortgage. I have to wonder if he has some kind of sex addiction, that pops up every once in a while. Hypersexuality can also be a sign of bipolar disorder, although you are not saying if he has actually followed through on these internet dalliances.

Families can be a big issue, but like you say, why is he blaming you for their actions? You don't say what your family is up to, is it true (like blaming him for not providing for the family or being seen with other women???) or is it just unjustifiable meddling?

If he refuses to see your pastor or get counseling, it might be game over. Someone who has the depth of issues like your husband and is not willing to deal with it or change, will not be someone you can live with long term.

So I guess you are back to being between and rock and a hard place. I hate to suggest divorce, but maybe separation? Not for him, but for you to find the space to evaluate this relationship, and what is best for you and your chidren.

Praying for you for guidance and wisdom as you move forward.

 

[dottie76]

I am sorry if I have been vague in some areas...I need all the feedback I can get so I will clarify. My family (parents mostly) have never liked him and they have never been told of his issues. However, they tend to be controlling and like to make suggestions about him that have not been true such as he was leaving for 8 hours a day and not working which was totally untrue. Interesting that you mention Bipolar. He is non medicated ADHD since childhood and his mother committed suicide in 1994. She suffered for years with Bipolar Disorder I'm told.

He has always stuck to online and long distance relationships that create barriers to going further into a physical relationship.

You're absolutely right, I am in a difficult situation here and I have no idea what to do. My heart wants to stay and try to be supportive, praying until he decides to end the marriage. It may help me heal if I know that I tried to keep us together. My head says I deserve much better, I need to give it up to God, I'm angry for yet another betrayal, including financially, and I'm scared. He's my life of 20 years.

I have the email to the person he has sent money to and I so badly want to call this individual out but that could push him away further.

So conflicted and heartbroken, thanks so much for your honesty. I really need it. Do you think I could have the pastor call him without mentioning that I asked him to call? Maybe check in and pray with him...could be a start?