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dottie76

Junior Member
Nov 14, 2016
12
3
3
#21
Well, here I am 3 years later and not much has changed which tells me that I probably need to start the divorce proceedings and separation. I really want to be obedient to God's plan but maybe he is telling me that this relationship was never meant to be. Is that possible? Why can I not clearly see what the Lord is telling me? or is he and I refuse to see it? I am so confused and I worry that I do not have the strength to move forward. I no longer have minor children so I do not need to worry about child support, visitation, etc. but I am the rep payee for my intellectually disabled daughter. We have a lot of financial obligations, mostly his doing and back taxes that are rather significant (also his doing because he was self-employed for 3 years and never payed his taxes despite my nagging). He tells me that he wanted out for years and that I just refuse to see it and he also has hurtful things like "I only stayed so I wouldn't have to deal with another man raising my kids." I think it's important to mention that he was away for 6-8 weeks at a time (sometimes more) while the kids were growing up so it's not like he really had to live with me or anything. Despite his insistence that he has wanted to leave for years, he doesn't make any moves to leave either probably because I continue to enable his behavior or he's waiting for me to get tired of it all and begin the process like I do with everything else. He agreed to go to counseling recently and we attended 4 sessions together and then he decided he was not returning because "talking about the past is not going to do a thing". Basically, he became uncomfortable talking about his mother's death and his abandonment issues regarding his relationship with his dad and decided its not worth the discomfort. He blames me for some of his behavior or he uses excuses to defend it. A few examples are: 1) I wanted to be a one woman man but your jealousy (I am hypersensitive to odd behavior and I am paranoid) drove me to porn and dating sites. 2) Your parents are the biggest issue in our marriage (we live 8 hours away and I rarely see them although they are difficult people). 3) I get bored and then I just get stupid 4) I know I wrong when I do it 5) You would be better off without me, I don't want to keep disappointing you (this is usually where I encourage him to seek therapy and work on changing his behavior rather than continuing with what obviously isn't working).

Why am I hanging on to a relationship where his respect for me is clearly non-existent?

There is so much more to say but this is probably a good spot to take a breath.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
470
285
63
#22
I'm single and unmarried and only 28...but have you considered a marriage retreat?

I recently got back from a singles retreat (was mostly 40+) but it was exhilarating. Just being out in nature...

I mention this because sometimes people haven't tried "free form" ideas for change in a relationship. Socializing a bit with other women your own age and consequently him doing the same with men his own age might help you both. I'm sure you could go together and not really talk to each other at all, but just pick one that works for you.

I enjoyed being able to share with other men and also talk to some older women without the "distraction" of any romantic interest. Was pretty neat honestly. Had some conversations about things I definitely did not expect. Nothing out of this world, but it was such a change from the "usual form".

It could be that random conversations with random believers (I'm sure to the Lord it is not) is worth a try. If nothing else, it's always amazing to me that little bits of advice from one conversation can be just that tiny piece of encouragement or information that I needed.

I'm sure there are some more "resort style" christian retreats out in nature if camping or staying in a house with bunkbeds is not your thing.
 

Papou

Active member
Aug 9, 2018
137
60
28
#23
Well, here I am 3 years later and not much has changed which tells me that I probably need to start the divorce proceedings and separation. I really want to be obedient to God's plan but maybe he is telling me that this relationship was never meant to be. Is that possible? Why can I not clearly see what the Lord is telling me? or is he and I refuse to see it? I am so confused and I worry that I do not have the strength to move forward. I no longer have minor children so I do not need to worry about child support, visitation, etc. but I am the rep payee for my intellectually disabled daughter. We have a lot of financial obligations, mostly his doing and back taxes that are rather significant (also his doing because he was self-employed for 3 years and never payed his taxes despite my nagging). He tells me that he wanted out for years and that I just refuse to see it and he also has hurtful things like "I only stayed so I wouldn't have to deal with another man raising my kids." I think it's important to mention that he was away for 6-8 weeks at a time (sometimes more) while the kids were growing up so it's not like he really had to live with me or anything. Despite his insistence that he has wanted to leave for years, he doesn't make any moves to leave either probably because I continue to enable his behavior or he's waiting for me to get tired of it all and begin the process like I do with everything else. He agreed to go to counseling recently and we attended 4 sessions together and then he decided he was not returning because "talking about the past is not going to do a thing". Basically, he became uncomfortable talking about his mother's death and his abandonment issues regarding his relationship with his dad and decided its not worth the discomfort. He blames me for some of his behavior or he uses excuses to defend it. A few examples are: 1) I wanted to be a one woman man but your jealousy (I am hypersensitive to odd behavior and I am paranoid) drove me to porn and dating sites. 2) Your parents are the biggest issue in our marriage (we live 8 hours away and I rarely see them although they are difficult people). 3) I get bored and then I just get stupid 4) I know I wrong when I do it 5) You would be better off without me, I don't want to keep disappointing you (this is usually where I encourage him to seek therapy and work on changing his behavior rather than continuing with what obviously isn't working).

Why am I hanging on to a relationship where his respect for me is clearly non-existent?

There is so much more to say but this is probably a good spot to take a breath.
It is a typical behaviour from such people to isolate the wife and put all the blame on her. A husband who acts like that is the one who is wrong. Too many red flags to even consider continuing this relationship. it is clearly time for you to move forward! At this stage, you should look for all possible supports (parent, friends, co-workers, lawyers, specialized resources, etc…).

Divorce is not the end of the world but the beginning of a new life. There are always sunny days after the storm! Be strong sister you are not alone!
 
Nov 14, 2016
12
3
3
#24
It is a typical behaviour from such people to isolate the wife and put all the blame on her. A husband who acts like that is the one who is wrong. Too many red flags to even consider continuing this relationship. it is clearly time for you to move forward! At this stage, you should look for all possible supports (parent, friends, co-workers, lawyers, specialized resources, etc…).

Divorce is not the end of the world but the beginning of a new life. There are always sunny days after the storm! Be strong sister you are not alone!
Thanks for these supportive and reassuring words ....I know as well as you there are too many red flags here to keep going on but I have been pressing for for a number of years. I think I must find the courage and strength to set him free so to speak since he is adamant he always wanted out anyway. I always wanted to follow the Lord's plan and I know divorce is frowned upon and marriage in held high regard but I'm wondering HE is trying to tell me that I am not following his lead and there is a bigger a plan for me beyond this marriage but I must let go in order to get to that point.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
470
285
63
#25
but I have been pressing for for a number of years. I think I must find the courage and strength to set him free so to speak since he is adamant he always wanted out anyway. I always wanted to follow the Lord's plan and I know divorce is frowned upon and marriage in held high regard but I'm wondering HE is trying to tell me that I am not following his lead and there is a bigger a plan for me beyond this marriage but I must let go in order to get to that point.

I'm not sure about this. I have personally experienced what you are describing...just not in regard to marriage, the opposite actually with singleness.

Like, I must be doing something wrong, the Lord has made it pretty clear...I'm just not acting. "All signs point to..."

"if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck..."

But unfortunately/fortunately however you want to look at it, this type of logic is not always how the Lord operates. He "may" be clear. But because it is a maybe to you, then he has not been clear. I fully believe that when there is a lack of clarity/direction/understanding he is aware of that. He's not deaf. I presume you've prayed/fasted about this a good bit?

So if no answer is forthcoming my only option is to either "force something" or wait. I've gained a lot by waiting and I've also lost some things. I don't think I'm outside his will 100% and he recognizes faith is not sight. We are limited.

The only thing you can really do if you choose to continue "waiting on the Lord" in that fashion is to examine your own life and see if possibly there is anything that he would like you to extricate, as well as focusing on ministry. I'm not trying to propound legalism or anything but there's always widows that need help and there's always homeless people that need food.

I've been INCREDIBLY frustrated in the past through lack of answers and this brings me to some rather "exalted" mindsets of believing the Lord to not be really interested in my own life, or in error about my personal life specifically. Ok, so you disagree then, oh man. What options do you have? Umm...none, other than submitting my will and subjecting it to his sovereignty.

Eventually in spite of all the protests (which I've fasted in protest which did not work out well) it's like, well what can I do in the meantime? What's a middle road solution to what's troubling me that doesn't close the door to whatever the Lord wants to do in his timing but at the same time changes at least something to say that I'm considering the humanistic angle as well and that possibly he is speaking that way and I am too dense to see it.

As far as singleness it's been making an attempt to get out to do singles activities. 2 accomplished so far. I don't feel any closer really but at least I met some people.

As far as my calling (which I realize now I didn't discuss)...I can at least volunteer at ministries that I enjoy serving in, despite having no real authority among men. Certainly the living Word does, but I don't personally yet but that's a long topic. So for now I can be a "filler" person, exercising the gift of helps. The more I involve myself in things, the less crucial gaining resolution IMMEDIATELY becomes. I am then able to "table it" and be more patient.


The only thing that's coming to my mind for you is possibly a period of separation for a time on your terms (you mentioned that he was away in the past)...what about you? That's a middle road solution to me. Different set/setting leads to different understandings.

practically I have no idea how that would work, just that it's worth considering.


I'm just saying that to let you know that I "feel" your position. I sincerely hope the Lord won't let you "miss" his will for your life. I don't believe he would. He may be clearer with certain people because they are more stubborn :p