Is it okay to marry someone just to have children?

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Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
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#21
I don’t believe you must be in love to marry. That’s a western ideal. But I think it’s important that both are God fearing and committed to upholding His will and word in the union.

Some marriages are vehicles for purposeful work and love develops en route to its completion. Look up Derek Prince. His marriages bear witness to the same.
 

JohnR7

Well-known member
Dec 30, 2019
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#22
Not sure why you are so surprised at this question. This is a general question, not about me. Nonetheless, it should not be a big surprise that many women rush and marry to have children (because of the "ticking clock") and so they will marry anyone "good enough." Also, a lot of well-meaning people also push these women to marry a "good enough" man (i.e., people say things such as, don't be too picky, etc.) so there is some pressure. Even though it is not good, a lot of women do marry out of pressure and "settle."
A lot of women in a third world nation dream about having a husband in a developed nation. There are still arranged marriages today. There are marriages of convenience based on money and then there is marriage based on love. This is a rather new concept to get married for love.

If the children hold the marriage together then what do you have when the children grow up and leave? Seems like married people should have some sort of a relationship with each other. We live in a time of porn where people do not always develop the intimacy that they should. I do not think I would want a marriage if there was no intimacy. But in some cases it maybe better to have a roommate then to live alone. Even brothers and sisters are family and have a level they feel connected.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,187
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#24
no, because Leah wasnt loved and I think she was better of marrying someone who did love her then being second best. She had children but made the best of it. After Rachel died maybe Jacob did learn to love her.

However if Leah hadnt married Jacob, her descendents wouldnt have included Jesus. So..God must have worked something out in the end.
 
Apr 17, 2019
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#25
Consider also that you don't have to be married in order to have children. In Vitro is always an option.
What is the view of the forum about a Christian woman who has "in vitro" from a man, not her husband; would this be considered porneia (fornication)?
 

Moses_Young

Well-known member
Sep 15, 2019
673
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#27
Is it okay to marry someone just to have children? For example, if you prayed for and found someone (and you also think God has led him/her to you), however you are not "in love" with this person, would you get married? You do like this person though and could see yourself with this person long-term (he's loyal, kind, etc.). I would especially like to hear from divorced people with kids.
Yes. What is the purpose of marriage otherwise? You can love someone without having children, but bearing children requires marriage. If you loved someone, and didn't want children, you could keep loving that someone without needing to marry. This doesn't take away God's requirements for marriage, or mean it is a decision you should rush into, but romantic love is usually very short-lived anyway, and needs to be replaced with a mature and enduring love.

Just because one is not "in love" will by no means prevent one from loving someone with whom one is not "in love" with.
 

Moses_Young

Well-known member
Sep 15, 2019
673
323
63
#28
What is the view of the forum about a Christian woman who has "in vitro" from a man, not her husband; would this be considered porneia (fornication)?
I would argue yes. It is fornication or adultery (if she is married), and possibly an abomination.
 

EleventhHour

Well-known member
Nov 11, 2019
7,319
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#29
What is the view of the forum about a Christian woman who has "in vitro" from a man, not her husband; would this be considered porneia (fornication)?
In vitro requires no physical contact between the two parties so I cannot see it being wrong if her husband is infertile...however if one believes life begins at conception which I do, it is definitely wrong because many eggs are fertilized which are later destroyed when no longer needed.
 

EleventhHour

Well-known member
Nov 11, 2019
7,319
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#30
Yes. What is the purpose of marriage otherwise? You can love someone without having children, but bearing children requires marriage. If you loved someone, and didn't want children, you could keep loving that someone without needing to marry. This doesn't take away God's requirements for marriage, or mean it is a decision you should rush into, but romantic love is usually very short-lived anyway, and needs to be replaced with a mature and enduring love.

Just because one is not "in love" will by no means prevent one from loving someone with whom one is not "in love" with.
Not sure if you believe in hormones since I know you do not believe viruses exist lol....but
falling in love is all hormone based brain activity.
True over time these hormones diminish.
 

posthuman

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2013
27,434
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#31
no, because Leah wasnt loved and I think she was better of marrying someone who did love her then being second best. She had children but made the best of it. After Rachel died maybe Jacob did learn to love her.

However if Leah hadnt married Jacob, her descendents wouldnt have included Jesus. So..God must have worked something out in the end.
Jacob ended up being buried next to Leah, though, and Rachel was buried far away where she had died. It's always interested me how Proverbs says one should 'rejoice in the wife of your youth' - which was the wife of Jacob's youth? His first wife or the one he truly loved? And when people teach about monogamy, I wonder about him too - two wives, plus two concubines, and this is how all the 12 tribes came to be. I wonder if he was supposed to have not married Rachel, since he already had one wife? Would God have given her 12 sons?
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
5,632
666
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#32
Is it okay to marry someone just to have children? For example, if you prayed for and found someone (and you also think God has led him/her to you), however you are not "in love" with this person, would you get married? You do like this person though and could see yourself with this person long-term (he's loyal, kind, etc.). I would especially like to hear from divorced people with kids.

Husbands and wives are supposed to love one another. Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. He told older women to teach younger women to love their husbands.

But it does not say that you have to be 'in love' to get married. If you listen to people talk, listen to people on dating shows or reality shows or movies talking about being 'in love'-- what do they mean? There is this idea that if you experience the right feelings about a relationship, everything will work out okay. You'll hear somebody talk about a past relationship that did not work out, and they say, "I thought I was in love, but I guess it was not real.' So they redefine being 'in love' not to be whatever that was, because it turned out bad.

Back in middle school or high school, you might have had a crush that gave you butterflies in your stomach, made you feel almost nausea around that person, and your heart beat out of your chest. If you felt that way throughout a whole marriage, you might die young from a heart attack. I don't know that our bodies can endure that sort of emotional high. There are some bonding hormones that were probably intended to help a newly married couple bond, but which our culture has us burn through with excessive young dating experiences. And they probably are a little more intense at the younger ages because of where teenagers bodies are hormonally.

I didn't want to marry someone I did not have feelings for. When I got to know my wife, I had strong feelings for her, but it was not the uncomfortable, cannot eat type if feelings. I like to think it was something more mature. I felt comfortable around her. We could talk about things.

The command is to love, not to be 'in love.' The Bible says to love your neighbor. You probably don't get butterflies from every fellow human you meet or even your brothers or sisters in Christ at church. But you can love them. You probably don't get butterflies when you see your mom or dad, even if you really love them.

The Song of Solomon does describe romantic love, and it is a good thing. It warns not to awaken love before it so desires. There is a right time for the physical and romantic love. That timing has to do with marriage or leading up to it. The sexual love should be reserved for marriage. It is a beautiful thing, and we want it in our marriages.

As far as marrying someone goes without certain feelings, one thing to keep in mind is that sex does make babies, but the Bible also says to render 'due benevolence.' I believe a husband or wife should go into marriage with an attitude that they will meet the others sexual needs. Of course, they need to cut each other slack for giving time to fasting and prayers, health reasons, sickness, a woman's cycle, after childbirth, etc. Partners not meeting each other's needs is a big enough problem to cause tension in a marriage when each one is attracted to the other. But if there is no physical attraction, a potential wife considering a partner to make babies, for example, might need to ask herself if she will be willing to meet her partner's needs. He might be looking for more than the bare minimum to produce 2 or 3 children. And the same goes the other way, since some women end up feeling deprived in this area.

Both a husband and a wife want to feel desired by their partner.

Many cultures had arranged marriages, and some still do. If you had to feel 'in love' to get married and you had to go through our very recent dating rituals, or otherwise it was plain wrong or illegitimate to marry, then arranged marriages would be wrong. Most of us would be descended by a long line of bastards whose arranged marriages weren't legitimate. Isaac and Rebecca's marriage was a kind arranged marriage of sorts, wasn't it? And would any of us say it was not from the Lord? I Corinthians 7 talks about whether a man should marry his virgin or not. It is likely that there were people in arranged situations that hadn't actually married yet and men were considering whether to be celibate or get marriage. Paul was encouraging celibacy but allowing for marriage,

When I was in Korea, maybe 40% of marriages were arranged, but they tended to have the lower divorced rates. I think some of the couples that get arranged value marriage as marriage and it is not based on their feelings in their minds. If the feelings aren't there, they don't bail. Our emotions can go up and down and be influenced by all kinds of stuff going on. People who think they should be married as long as they are 'in love', and associate being 'in love' with an emotional high may want to divorce easily. Arranged marriages often involve input from family members who might be able to spot red flags that a single person who is blinded by looks and charm may not see.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,187
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#33
Jacob ended up being buried next to Leah, though, and Rachel was buried far away where she had died. It's always interested me how Proverbs says one should 'rejoice in the wife of your youth' - which was the wife of Jacob's youth? His first wife or the one he truly loved? And when people teach about monogamy, I wonder about him too - two wives, plus two concubines, and this is how all the 12 tribes came to be. I wonder if he was supposed to have not married Rachel, since he already had one wife? Would God have given her 12 sons?
Not sure about how concubinage worked...? also Hagars son to .abraham, Ishmael was illegitimate although God blessed him anyway, I guess a lot of Jacobs sons would have been technically illigetimate too, since he didnt marry their mothers. Concubines are like surrogates?

Leahs son who carried on the lineage to Jesus was Judah. Rachel died in childbirth only having Joseph and Benjamin. They were the favoured children by Jacob.
 

posthuman

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2013
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#34
Leahs son who carried on the lineage to Jesus was Judah. Rachel died in childbirth only having Joseph and Benjamin. They were the favoured children by Jacob.
i was just thinking about this and going to find the thread and say that too, how that it was through one of Leah's sons, Judah, that Christ came. but Joseph was Rachel's son, too, who was highly favored by God and lived a life that is a strong prefigure of Jesus.

the two of them, Leah & Rachel, are profound types of the Wife of the LORD and the Bride of Christ, not only in contrast with each other, even reversing roles in different aspects, but also individually, and as being unified through Jacob, who's also a picture of Christ :)

i was thinking too how Rachel didn't have any children until all 10 of the other sons/tribes were born, but then her firstborn, Jacob's eleventh, was the one who was given supremacy over them all - Judah, the line of Christ, Joseph, receiving a double portion, having his two sons adopted as two tribes. both marriages were blessed, though there certainly was a lot of trouble for Jacob - this is very complex!
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
5,632
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#35
Not sure about how concubinage worked...? also Hagars son to .abraham, Ishmael was illegitimate although God blessed him anyway, I guess a lot of Jacobs sons would have been technically illigetimate too, since he didnt marry their mothers. Concubines are like surrogates?

Leahs son who carried on the lineage to Jesus was Judah. Rachel died in childbirth only having Joseph and Benjamin. They were the favoured children by Jacob.
Concubines were legitimate wives, slaves who were accepted as wives, as opposed to a virgin bride who was betrothed with a bride price or marrying a widow, etc.
 

bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
1,638
682
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#36
I would think even arranged marriages would develop through the years and learning to love would work out just fine with proper perspective, dedication and willingness to mature .. This is our 47th anniversary coming up and she is more beautiful to me now than ever .. She spent about 7 yrs trying to henpeck me and I spent about 7 yrs getting over my wildness .. She is my crown ..
4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
3,082
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#37
Read a book by C S Lewis...called The Four Loves ...I think it will help in your decision.

It speaks about how filial love can become eros love .... this is often seen in culture that have arranged marriages.
I thought something like this. It is true that some couples have things work out like that. But more likely than not, it will not work out, especially in this day and age. Raising children takes a lot of committment. It's hard even for people who are in love. And people also crave for romance, adultery might happen over time, if there's no true connection and intimacy temptation may be enormous and one or both might cave in for a dishonorable life. In short, a recipe for disaster. It's not that it wouldn't be "okay". If someone is "burning" it seems from the Scripture God would approve it, and God's also compassionate to women who crave children. But such marriage lacks the foundation and would likely crumble down, hurting both people and kids in the process.
 

EleventhHour

Well-known member
Nov 11, 2019
7,319
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#38
I thought something like this. It is true that some couples have things work out like that. But more likely than not, it will not work out, especially in this day and age. Raising children takes a lot of committment. It's hard even for people who are in love. And people also crave for romance, adultery might happen over time, if there's no true connection and intimacy temptation may be enormous and one or both might cave in for a dishonorable life. In short, a recipe for disaster. It's not that it wouldn't be "okay". If someone is "burning" it seems from the Scripture God would approve it, and God's also compassionate to women who crave children. But such marriage lacks the foundation and would likely crumble down, hurting both people and kids in the process.
I somewhat disagree...the point that CS Lewis makes is that the best foundation of eros love is filial love. .... and unless two people have no physical attraction filial love can become eros love.

From a biological point of view the oxytocin that is released when falling in love is short lived and so that love needs to have deeper roots.

As well intimacy releases hormones that create a bond this would be true even if only filial love is present.

People have affairs because they get hooked on that feeling of euphoria of oxytocin...I think filial and agape love help to.prevent that.

Perhaps a good marriage requires all four loves....raising children as you state I agree can present a huge strain on the marriage.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#39
Yes. What is the purpose of marriage otherwise? You can love someone without having children, but bearing children requires marriage. If you loved someone, and didn't want children, you could keep loving that someone without needing to marry. This doesn't take away God's requirements for marriage, or mean it is a decision you should rush into, but romantic love is usually very short-lived anyway, and needs to be replaced with a mature and enduring love.

Just because one is not "in love" will by no means prevent one from loving someone with whom one is not "in love" with.
Bearing children does not in fact require marriage. What about people that cannot have children or those that are older? There are those that simply do not care to have children for one reason or another.

It is unreasonable for a couple that is in love to live together but yet abstain from the pleasurable physical and emotional intimacy that sex provides just because they can't or don't want the responsibility of raising children.

The purpose of marriage is establish and maintain an enduring relationship with the one that you love. Of course, sexual intercourse plays an important part. Children, may or may not result from this physical and emotional intimacy.

If I am wrong please correct me but from the tone of your post I am making the assumption that you have never been married. The portion of your post that I highlighted is correct in my estimation but I find the other portion to be somewhat naive.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
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Texas
#40
I would generally say that getting married for the purpose of having children is not ideal, because God may choose not bless the marriage with children.
I also don't think " in love" means anything. Lots of people are in love for a time and then they aren't in love any more. The divorce rate in America in nearly 50% and it's a very popular notion of marrying because they are in love.