The idea of dating and marrying based on physical attraction is primarily a modern thing. Families used to arrange marriages long ago. Maybe poorer families did this based on who the children liked, and richer families did it based on family ties, but that is speculation because we know what nobility and kings did, primarily. The emphasis on romantic love grew out of writings on courtly loved, where a knight might love the queen, though he couldn't have her. Then there was emphasizing love and first sight like in Romeo and Juliet. We have a similar idea in our culture, minus the need to get married with countering ideas that loving someone just for looks is shallow.
I remember though, when I was about 14, there was this little girl my age who was really friendly toward me at church who I just did not find attractive. My mom thought she was cute and was teasing me a bit about her liking me. I just imagined, as a teen, when I heard about arranged marriage, my parents setting me up with her or someone I didn't think was attractive. Looks were actually a big deal to me when I was young. It felt like something i couldn't help, either. It was biological. I didn't date a lot, but I wanted to marry someone I found attractive.
But I wonder if it would have been so big a deal if I hadn't been raised in a modern culture with photographs and newspapers. If you lived in a village and hadn't seen more than 200 people in your life, and hadn't seen made-up airbrushed supermodels on magazine covers and beautiful actresses on TV in your formative years, and most people around you were varying degrees of average looking--- with pox mark scars on their faces-- looks might not have been so big of a deal. I wonder when I read a Wikipedia article about historical figures, see a not-too-pretty painting of a princess and read that they raved about her beauty if beauty standards were different back then, or if they just said that kind of stuff about princesses.
I wonder if my concern over looks also came from having a very pretty mother. If i wanted to marry a pretty girl, maybe that influenced my standards of beauty, too. If you look around, most people are somewhere around average-looking. It doesn't make sense mathematically for everyone to be above average looking. Yet a lot of people marry. In the past, I would say most people do. In my own country, I am not sure that is the case anymore. But looks do not keep people from marrying. What individuals are attracted to varies, too. So what I consider an average-looking woman might be the type of girl another man is attracted to. If a woman considered me average-looking, back when I was looking for a spouse, my wife was attracted to me, and her opinion was what mattered.
If you were not raised in a culture where you thought you had to fall in love to get married and where looks and attraction in relation to falling in love weren't emphasized, you might think differently about marriage. It is interesting to hear what Indians think about marriage. Some of the young people say they will let their parents set them up. They say this like it is a normal thing, because it is, for them. If you grow up your whole life in that, that's normal.
I raised my kids, my girls especially, with the idea that you get married to someone your father approves of. That has a lot more basis in scripture than our current culture here in the west. It is obviously messed up with the rampant fornication and high divorce rates and broken homes. Why should our culture be the standard when sin abounds in the area of sex and marriage?
Even the pagans in the Old Testament thought that for a marriage to be legitimate, the father of the bride had to go along with it. The Shechemites didn't just take Dinah as the prince's wife after he prince slept with her. They asked Jacob for permission. English culture used to be the same way. Jane Austen presented made a some parents out to be about putting together matches that promoted their financial interest and emphasized the need for a couple who married to be in love. At least she acknowledged the need for the father of the bride to give permission, though a man going against his greedy father's wishes was portrayed as noble (at least in the movies. I haven't actually read this stuff.) The idealization of romantic love and the youths making the decision about who to marry is older than that. We see it in Romeo and Juliet.
I read one opinion about Romeo and Juliet that maybe the lesson in the story is that if two foolish young people pursue their feelings and seek to follow romance without regard for their parents and family, it can turn out badly for them.
I have read that the boyfriend goes back to the early 1900s. Prior to that, suitors visited a girl at her parents home. A father might burn a candle while the two visit in a room in the house, where the parents can drop in and look. Multiple suitors might come buy until one decided to propose, and then the girl and her family might consider this proposal. Then, women started to have boyfriends-- an institution created that allowed a woman to have the social and emotional support that comes from a husband without sexual interaction. Over time, it came to include sex for many couples, and then for many the marriage option was dropped completely. Women who did marry married a boyfriend.
The reason adultery might be a temptation for people who marry who didn't go through the western hoops of dating and convincing themselves they are in love before marrying is because of the attitudes about the purpose of marriage. Many western people think the purpose of marriage is to make them happy, to provide an outlet for fulfillment of their desires for companionship and someone enjoyable to talk with, an outlet for sexual desires and fantasies, and a variety of other needs. While certain needs should be met or addressed in marriage, if they aren't that doesn't mean one has a right to dissolve the marriage and look elsewhere. For Christians, marriage should depict the relationship between Christ and the church, and we should be faithful even if our partner lacks some characteristic we desire.
I remember though, when I was about 14, there was this little girl my age who was really friendly toward me at church who I just did not find attractive. My mom thought she was cute and was teasing me a bit about her liking me. I just imagined, as a teen, when I heard about arranged marriage, my parents setting me up with her or someone I didn't think was attractive. Looks were actually a big deal to me when I was young. It felt like something i couldn't help, either. It was biological. I didn't date a lot, but I wanted to marry someone I found attractive.
But I wonder if it would have been so big a deal if I hadn't been raised in a modern culture with photographs and newspapers. If you lived in a village and hadn't seen more than 200 people in your life, and hadn't seen made-up airbrushed supermodels on magazine covers and beautiful actresses on TV in your formative years, and most people around you were varying degrees of average looking--- with pox mark scars on their faces-- looks might not have been so big of a deal. I wonder when I read a Wikipedia article about historical figures, see a not-too-pretty painting of a princess and read that they raved about her beauty if beauty standards were different back then, or if they just said that kind of stuff about princesses.
I wonder if my concern over looks also came from having a very pretty mother. If i wanted to marry a pretty girl, maybe that influenced my standards of beauty, too. If you look around, most people are somewhere around average-looking. It doesn't make sense mathematically for everyone to be above average looking. Yet a lot of people marry. In the past, I would say most people do. In my own country, I am not sure that is the case anymore. But looks do not keep people from marrying. What individuals are attracted to varies, too. So what I consider an average-looking woman might be the type of girl another man is attracted to. If a woman considered me average-looking, back when I was looking for a spouse, my wife was attracted to me, and her opinion was what mattered.
If you were not raised in a culture where you thought you had to fall in love to get married and where looks and attraction in relation to falling in love weren't emphasized, you might think differently about marriage. It is interesting to hear what Indians think about marriage. Some of the young people say they will let their parents set them up. They say this like it is a normal thing, because it is, for them. If you grow up your whole life in that, that's normal.
I raised my kids, my girls especially, with the idea that you get married to someone your father approves of. That has a lot more basis in scripture than our current culture here in the west. It is obviously messed up with the rampant fornication and high divorce rates and broken homes. Why should our culture be the standard when sin abounds in the area of sex and marriage?
Even the pagans in the Old Testament thought that for a marriage to be legitimate, the father of the bride had to go along with it. The Shechemites didn't just take Dinah as the prince's wife after he prince slept with her. They asked Jacob for permission. English culture used to be the same way. Jane Austen presented made a some parents out to be about putting together matches that promoted their financial interest and emphasized the need for a couple who married to be in love. At least she acknowledged the need for the father of the bride to give permission, though a man going against his greedy father's wishes was portrayed as noble (at least in the movies. I haven't actually read this stuff.) The idealization of romantic love and the youths making the decision about who to marry is older than that. We see it in Romeo and Juliet.
I read one opinion about Romeo and Juliet that maybe the lesson in the story is that if two foolish young people pursue their feelings and seek to follow romance without regard for their parents and family, it can turn out badly for them.
I have read that the boyfriend goes back to the early 1900s. Prior to that, suitors visited a girl at her parents home. A father might burn a candle while the two visit in a room in the house, where the parents can drop in and look. Multiple suitors might come buy until one decided to propose, and then the girl and her family might consider this proposal. Then, women started to have boyfriends-- an institution created that allowed a woman to have the social and emotional support that comes from a husband without sexual interaction. Over time, it came to include sex for many couples, and then for many the marriage option was dropped completely. Women who did marry married a boyfriend.
The reason adultery might be a temptation for people who marry who didn't go through the western hoops of dating and convincing themselves they are in love before marrying is because of the attitudes about the purpose of marriage. Many western people think the purpose of marriage is to make them happy, to provide an outlet for fulfillment of their desires for companionship and someone enjoyable to talk with, an outlet for sexual desires and fantasies, and a variety of other needs. While certain needs should be met or addressed in marriage, if they aren't that doesn't mean one has a right to dissolve the marriage and look elsewhere. For Christians, marriage should depict the relationship between Christ and the church, and we should be faithful even if our partner lacks some characteristic we desire.
