Married Single Parent, When You Can't Help

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,319
1,322
113
#61
Amber, I have lifelong depression, I've been suicidal before AND I've been tied up and raped. Until recently my family had no clue about my suicidal thoughts or depression. I kept it all inside and didn't turn to anyone. Not until I couldn't handle it on my own anymore. Then I turned it all over to God and He pulled me out of the dark pit that I had been in for more than half my life..

The difference between me and Kayla's sister is, even though I've been physically abused, I wasn't brainwashed into staying like her sister is.

I'm glad that I have an open relationship with my sister and she has told me things she hasn't told our parents. It's hard because she is a good mother, a good wife and a beautiful woman. She ministers in music, she has gone on mission trips. She has so much to give to the right person that would treat her with love and respect. I just need her to see it for herself.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,135
5,068
113
#62
I'm glad that I have an open relationship with my sister and she has told me things she hasn't told our parents. It's hard because she is a good mother, a good wife and a beautiful woman. She ministers in music, she has gone on mission trips. She has so much to give to the right person that would treat her with love and respect. I just need her to see it for herself.
She would see it, IF she can ever get away from the jack donkey she's married to. And I use that term loosely, because her marriage has been a farce practically from day one.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,319
1,322
113
#63
Apparently you don't fathom how difficult it is to flee an abuser, especially when there are children involved. So what if she doesn't have a paying job? Her job is to be a mother to her kids, and keep them out of harm's way. It isn't as easy as packing a bag and taking the kids and leaving. Much of the time, they either end up coming back, or the partner finds them and kills them.

I know of a case where a woman fled her abusive husband and went to her sister in law's house. The husband went to his sister's house, killed his wife AND his sister's husband, right in front of his own daughter. He made her watch her mama and uncle get murdered.

Fear and brainwashing will make a victim stay with their abuser, even if it means losing their life. I'm one of the luckier ones, by God's grace my ex didn't kill me when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him for good.

They are 17yrs in, he's not letting go without a fight. And she's certainly not walking away with the boys without a fight. We know the sheriff in town here if we need help. I also have a German Shepard that isn't letting anyone through the door that she doesn't know and she doesn't know him. But if he goes to my parents house I'm afraid of what would happen. He comes off as a very nice guy,easy going. No one would guess what he is like in private.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,135
5,068
113
#64
They are 17yrs in, he's not letting go without a fight. And she's certainly not walking away with the boys without a fight. We know the sheriff in town here if we need help. I also have a German Shepard that isn't letting anyone through the door that she doesn't know and she doesn't know him. But if he goes to my parents house I'm afraid of what would happen. He comes off as a very nice guy,easy going. No one would guess what he is like in private.
Yeah, most abusers act like normal people in public. Most prefer to keep their secrets quiet. Look and act respectable in public, and look and act like satan himself behind closed doors..
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,319
1,322
113
#65
She would see it, IF she can ever get away from the jack donkey she's married to. And I use that term loosely, because her marriage has been a farce practically from day one.
Red flags came up almost from day one. As soon as she married him she grew her hair long,wore long skirts and little makeup. She hardly moved from his side. It was almost like I didn't know her. She seemed obsessed with him when they were dating,she clung to him like a sucker fish. When she told me he had been married and had a child I told her she needed to slow down and get counseling before she decided on marriage. But she said she was in love. She would not listen. She got our parents blessing and it's been hell ever since. I walk the fine line of not betraying her trust,so I can watch over her, and speaking up and encouraging my parents to get involved.
 
Apr 1, 2018
296
115
43
#66
Apparently you don't fathom how difficult it is to flee an abuser, especially when there are children involved. So what if she doesn't have a paying job? Her job is to be a mother to her kids, and keep them out of harm's way. It isn't as easy as packing a bag and taking the kids and leaving. Much of the time, they either end up coming back, or the partner finds them and kills them.

I know of a case where a woman fled her abusive husband and went to her sister in law's house. The husband went to his sister's house, killed his wife AND his sister's husband, right in front of his own daughter. He made her watch her mama and uncle get murdered.

Fear and brainwashing will make a victim stay with their abuser, even if it means losing their life. I'm one of the luckier ones, by God's grace my ex didn't kill me when he tried to strangle me when I ended things with him for good.
You however don't understand that her
job as an adult is to make sure keep kid safe especially around the husband for crying out loud. She in fact aware that the her own Husband which Kayla admitted that he has he has make a hole in the wall due to violence. Can't you imagine that her own kids witnessed their own father being too aggressive the wife infront the two kids resulting them to be traumatized.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,135
5,068
113
#67
I just wish she wasn't literally surrounded by her inlaw's. It would be so much more convenient for her to be able to leave without them watching her every move. Maybe she should start hiding cameras around the house, to capture his violence for all to see.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,135
5,068
113
#68
Her Job as an adult is to make sure keep kid safe especially around the husband for crying out loud. She in fact aware that the her own Husband which Kayla admitted that he has he has make a hole in the wall due to violence. Can't you imagine that her own kids witnessed their own father being too aggressive the wife infront the two kids resulting them to be traumatized.
Yes, and the oldest of those kids has access to a gun. Try as she might, she CANNOT physically protect her kids from this guy. But her son can, since he has guns in that house. I just pray that no one in that house goes looking for one of those guns..

No offense to Kayla's parents, but they need to wake up, open their eyes and realize the fact that they'll be attending their daughter's funeral soon, if something isn't done to get her out of this.
 
Apr 1, 2018
296
115
43
#69
Yes, and the oldest of those kids has access to a gun. Try as she might, she CANNOT physically protect her kids from this guy. But her son can, since he has guns in that house. I just pray that no one in that house goes looking for one of those guns..

No offense to Kayla's parents, but they need to wake up, open their eyes and realize the fact that they'll be attending their daughter's funeral soon, if something isn't done to get her out of this.
I don't know what u mean how she can't protect her own children. When she and her children could possible move out the husband already. The wife could actually take the gun away from her son. Since she adult and happens to be the person who living the house. I don't understand how was she able to allow the son to have a gun in their home in the first place? Can they just get the police involved in their situation?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,135
5,068
113
#70
She's been in this predicament for nearly 18 years now. Her kids are teenagers. She is incapable of leaving this man. He keeps her totally dependent on him. He probably has his family watch her every move when he's gone. For whatever insane reason, she "loves" this man and is convinced he will change. Fear of retribution and being alone keep her with him. A mother cannot protect her kids while they're in an abusive situation. It's impossible.

As for her taking the gun away from her son, well either she doesn't know he has one, or she knows and has him hold onto it so the husband doesn't get it.

This is a no-win situation. If she stays, she's trapped. If she leaves, he'll probably try to kill her. Or, if she's lucky, he'll be glad to be rid of her and won't try to get her back.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,135
5,068
113
#71
I don't know what u mean how she can't protect her own children. When she and her children could possible move out the husband already. The wife could actually take the gun away from her son. Since she adult and happens to be the person who living the house. I don't understand how was she able to allow the son to have a gun in their home in the first place? Can they just get the police involved in their situation?
The police are useless in situations of domestic violence. They can't do anything until he hurts her. They can encourage her to get a restraining order, but from personal experience, those never work either. And since she has nowhere to go, and no finances, the restraining order would be useless anyway.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,569
1,556
113
#72
I was right about the part of husband maintaining her. She clearly has no job and she clearly rely on her husband to support. Despite she doesn't have any place for her to go. And refused to move out. If her husband make alot of money or possible wealthy. Then that probably the reasons why she doesn't want to divorce him.

A true victims would immediately seek help from a friend, family or someone they can trust.
Your understanding of violent and abusive marriages is beyond ignorant. I am a pastor, I have taken courses on Domestic Violence, and I was involved helping in a local Abuse agency find homes and counseling for women who were trapped in a violent nightmare of a marriage.

After reading your posts, I am convinced you are a troll. You constantly are justifying the right of a man to do what he wants, and victim blaming. You do not begin to understand the dynamics of abuse!

The basic foundation of domestic violence is not money, but power. Some women do have money. But, they are still trapped, because through a series of strategies, such as gas-lighting and other things, they basically groom the woman to think she cannot leave the marriage. In fact, a woman who has cared for the children and the home can be given 50% of everything. But, most women don't know that!

I would suggest you read the book, A Cry for Justice! By Jeff a pastor. Here is a website he writes.

https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/20...tors-an-open-letter-from-a-pastor-to-pastors/

There is a cycle of abuse, that the abuser uses to keep the victim helpless and in their control.

http://envisioncounsellingcentre.com/innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

And remember, this is common, and happens in many varieties of relationships. Men do abuse their wives. But wives can abuse their husbands. At the abuse group I worked in, they had special classes for men being abused by their wives. Lesbians and homosexuals can also end up in abusive relationships. The classes I worked with, were all women, who were being abused by their husbands. One husband was in jail, after he shot his wife and she survived. In the end, I uncovered the fact, that every woman in the group except on aboriginal woman, were Christians. Sadly, these complementarian movements foster this kind of control of women by men. I'm not saying a good husband can't be a kind and loving person, in a complementarian relationship, but I think many men are attracted to a kind of relationship dynamic which gives them absolute power, which only belongs to God.

I will be reporting you. You are just perpetuating the garbage and myths that keep women being abused, instead of doing some solid research into the actual dynamics and substance of true domestic violence.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,569
1,556
113
#73
The husband has a job. The sis has made so many excuses why she won't leave her husband. She say that the divorce will affect the children. Her own mom even said that she an adult. Kayla even said that her own sister doesn't even have a job not even a professional job.
I get more angry, the more I read your ignorant posts. So what if he has a job? She is entitled to half of his money and home, as an abused wife.

It's like you are demeaning all housewives, saying they are lazy for "just" cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, because they need a full time job to justify their existence! Being a home bound mom, is NOT easy! Even with a loving husband, taking care of a home and children is a full time job.

I had 4 children. I also worked part time as a teacher. The year our youngest was in grade 1, I went to work full time. By the end of the year, I was sick with a serious, painful, and debilitating auto-immune disease. It destroyed my ability to work, although I stil brought in money with my work disabilty pension. I could not handle two full time jobs, one of them being the vital and important job of raising my children to be functioning adults with good marriages and jobs. And the other job of being entrusted with the education of 22-29 children, and being professional, upgrading my education and keeping on top of the latest pedagogical changes in the education profession.

The sister has done what she was asked, and I bet much more. And all she has gotten is a spoiled, immature, selfish husband who abuses her for so many years. She has a job!! Get it!? She is as wife and mother. And all she has gotten is abuse, and disrespect, not just from her creep of a husband, but from a creep like you.

Why don't you just come out and admit you are a man, here to justify your insanity by verbally abusing all women who work in the home?
 
Apr 1, 2018
296
115
43
#74
Your understanding of violent and abusive marriages is beyond ignorant. I am a pastor, I have taken courses on Domestic Violence, and I was involved helping in a local Abuse agency find homes and counseling for women who were trapped in a violent nightmare of a marriage.

After reading your posts, I am convinced you are a troll. You constantly are justifying the right of a man to do what he wants, and victim blaming. You do not begin to understand the dynamics of abuse!

The basic foundation of domestic violence is not money, but power. Some women do have money. But, they are still trapped, because through a series of strategies, such as gas-lighting and other things, they basically groom the woman to think she cannot leave the marriage. In fact, a woman who has cared for the children and the home can be given 50% of everything. But, most women don't know that!

I would suggest you read the book, A Cry for Justice! By Jeff a pastor. Here is a website he writes.

https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/20...tors-an-open-letter-from-a-pastor-to-pastors/

There is a cycle of abuse, that the abuser uses to keep the victim helpless and in their control.

http://envisioncounsellingcentre.com/innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

And remember, this is common, and happens in many varieties of relationships. Men do abuse their wives. But wives can abuse their husbands. At the abuse group I worked in, they had special classes for men being abused by their wives. Lesbians and homosexuals can also end up in abusive relationships. The classes I worked with, were all women, who were being abused by their husbands. One husband was in jail, after he shot his wife and she survived. In the end, I uncovered the fact, that every woman in the group except on aboriginal woman, were Christians. Sadly, these complementarian movements foster this kind of control of women by men. I'm not saying a good husband can't be a kind and loving person, in a complementarian relationship, but I think many men are attracted to a kind of relationship dynamic which gives them absolute power, which only belongs to God.

I will be reporting you. You are just perpetuating the garbage and myths that keep women being abused, instead of doing some solid research into the actual dynamics and substance of true domestic violence.
Go head and report me all you want. You seem to be reporting me without a valid reason. While accusing me being ignorance. That show immature you can be. I am free to give my own thought/ opinion/ perspective in this thread wheather you like it or not.

I however agree with some of Ladybugs statements. I may not know her well. But she seem to know what it like being in abusive realtionship. Since she has been experienced as well in a abusive realtionship before.

I however have different perspective why people like Kayla sis stay with their abusive partners. With some similarities ideas like ladybug.

The reason why I say the husband maintains Kayla sis. Is because Kayla sis rely on him. Which ladybug explained how the husband is the main source of finance. Which he has a job and own the home. And Kayla sis doesn't even have a job or professional job either.

Kayla sis role is take care of the children. While also keep the children safe from their father. What if the father actually abusive the children without the wife being around since he knows to be violence and angry. And what if one the kids who own the gun shoot the father even though he happens to be off medication.

Kayla even mention how her sis is to obessive and clingy from her husband. And saw some changes in her personality and behavior.

The husband would always appologiz. But never try to change his actions. Despite the fact he would always say sorry.

Kayla sis think her husband could change. If it God will for her. Despite the fact how many people told her especially the people in the church. They even suggested her to separate. Also Kayla sis doesn't even want to move out or divorce. Even though Kayla has possibly made an for her sis to move out in her place. Since she said that she welcome to come her home any time.

Kayla sis say that the divorce will affect the children.

She never gave any reason why she doesn't want to divorce her husband.

All we know that Kayla sis love her husband. She expects her husband to change. No matter how long she has been with.
 
Apr 1, 2018
296
115
43
#75
I get more angry, the more I read your ignorant posts. So what if he has a job? She is entitled to half of his money and home, as an abused wife.

It's like you are demeaning all housewives, saying they are lazy for "just" cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, because they need a full time job to justify their existence! Being a home bound mom, is NOT easy! Even with a loving husband, taking care of a home and children is a full time job.

I had 4 children. I also worked part time as a teacher. The year our youngest was in grade 1, I went to work full time. By the end of the year, I was sick with a serious, painful, and debilitating auto-immune disease. It destroyed my ability to work, although I stil brought in money with my work disabilty pension. I could not handle two full time jobs, one of them being the vital and important job of raising my children to be functioning adults with good marriages and jobs. And the other job of being entrusted with the education of 22-29 children, and being professional, upgrading my education and keeping on top of the latest pedagogical changes in the education profession.

The sister has done what she was asked, and I bet much more. And all she has gotten is a spoiled, immature, selfish husband who abuses her for so many years. She has a job!! Get it!? She is as wife and mother. And all she has gotten is abuse, and disrespect, not just from her creep of a husband, but from a creep like you.

Why don't you just come out and admit you are a man, here to justify your insanity by verbally abusing all women who work in the home?
I don't need to justify you anything. Because that show immature you can be. You seem to be the type of person who like to pick a fight for someone for what ever reason you get mad at or upset. Even though you may not agree with someone opinion. Seeing the amount angry emoji that you post on my comment in this thread LOL 😆😆😆
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,319
1,322
113
#76
Your understanding of violent and abusive marriages is beyond ignorant. I am a pastor, I have taken courses on Domestic Violence, and I was involved helping in a local Abuse agency find homes and counseling for women who were trapped in a violent nightmare of a marriage.

After reading your posts, I am convinced you are a troll. You constantly are justifying the right of a man to do what he wants, and victim blaming. You do not begin to understand the dynamics of abuse!

The basic foundation of domestic violence is not money, but power. Some women do have money. But, they are still trapped, because through a series of strategies, such as gas-lighting and other things, they basically groom the woman to think she cannot leave the marriage. In fact, a woman who has cared for the children and the home can be given 50% of everything. But, most women don't know that!

I would suggest you read the book, A Cry for Justice! By Jeff a pastor. Here is a website he writes.

https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/20...tors-an-open-letter-from-a-pastor-to-pastors/

There is a cycle of abuse, that the abuser uses to keep the victim helpless and in their control.

http://envisioncounsellingcentre./innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

And remember, this is common, and happens in many varieties of relationships. Men do abuse their wives. But wives can abuse their husbands. At the abuse group I worked in, they had special classes for men being abused by their wives. Lesbians and homosexuals can also end up in abusive relationships. The classes I worked with, were all women, who were being abused by their husbands. One husband was in jail, after he shot his wife and she survived. In the end, I uncovered the fact, that every woman in the group except on aboriginal woman, were Christians. Sadly, these complementarian movements foster this kind of control of women by men. I'm not saying a good husband can't be a kind and loving person, in a complementarian relationship, but I think many men are attracted to a kind of relationship dynamic which gives them absolute power, which only belongs to God.

I will be reporting you. You are just perpetuating the garbage and myths that keep women being abused, instead of doing some solid research into the actual dynamics and substance of true domestic violence.

Oh my sister Angela!! I just went to the links you posted. This right here "teaches that abuse victims, normally women, are pleasing God and suffering for Christ by remaining in a marriage to an abuser" This is my sister !! She believes this 100% !! And male pastors have backed up this teaching as the pastor in this link says!! I'm sorry but it's like a bomb went off. I have harped on this for so long!! Preachers do not know how to handle these situations. Most of them can't council a good marriage! I've spoken out about this so much.

Do you know what her pastor said when they went to him for counseling?! He told them to "fight naked" because no one can stay angry naked. Can you believe that?!!! Tone deaf. It makes me so upset. If you were just a better wife,mother,cook, more like his mommy,were better in bed... And meanwhile he's beating the house down around her ears!! smh

When my hubby and I were getting married our pastor wanted to council us first so we met at a restaurant. My hubby is a Christian but new to the church scene, never went steady when he was a bachelor. So at our age it was odd for the pastor to "council" us but he made a good effort. When we got home my husband said " Does pastor really believe that?" I said what? "That the man is the head of the home and he should make the decisions?" He continued " Because I don't believe that,we're a team and we make decisions together". My own parents wouldn't agree with that. My father is the lead my mother seldom questions it unless she really disagrees and then it's a knock down drag out fight because it's his house,he's the head and should have the final say.

Thanks so much for these links. I'm going to share with my sister. Maybe she'll see herself in this.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,569
1,556
113
#77
Oh my sister Angela!! I just went to the links you posted. This right here "teaches that abuse victims, normally women, are pleasing God and suffering for Christ by remaining in a marriage to an abuser" This is my sister !! She believes this 100% !! And male pastors have backed up this teaching as the pastor in this link says!! I'm sorry but it's like a bomb went off. I have harped on this for so long!! Preachers do not know how to handle these situations. Most of them can't council a good marriage! I've spoken out about this so much.

Do you know what her pastor said when they went to him for counseling?! He told them to "fight naked" because no one can stay angry naked. Can you believe that?!!! Tone deaf. It makes me so upset. If you were just a better wife,mother,cook, more like his mommy,were better in bed... And meanwhile he's beating the house down around her ears!! smh

When my hubby and I were getting married our pastor wanted to council us first so we met at a restaurant. My hubby is a Christian but new to the church scene, never went steady when he was a bachelor. So at our age it was odd for the pastor to "council" us but he made a good effort. When we got home my husband said " Does pastor really believe that?" I said what? "That the man is the head of the home and he should make the decisions?" He continued " Because I don't believe that,we're a team and we make decisions together". My own parents wouldn't agree with that. My father is the lead my mother seldom questions it unless she really disagrees and then it's a knock down drag out fight because it's his house,he's the head and should have the final say.

Thanks so much for these links. I'm going to share with my sister. Maybe she'll see herself in this.

I certainly hope they can wake her up. The book he wrote is also excellent. But hard to find in paper format. I think she would also really see herself in it, and he offers so many examples, and helpful ways to escape from this church sanctioned spousal abuse!
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,319
1,322
113
#78
I certainly hope they can wake her up. The book he wrote is also excellent. But hard to find in paper format. I think she would also really see herself in it, and he offers so many examples, and helpful ways to escape from this church sanctioned spousal abuse!

I'm seeing this in the boys … "Behaviour – try to please, distract self to forget about stress behaviours, nervous or tics"
As I said the youngest boy was hiding garbage in his room. The oldest becomes very easily obsessed with things. So much info here. Thanks so much for sharing again sister.
 

Didymous

Senior Member
Feb 22, 2018
4,276
1,452
113
#79
Kayla, I hope your sister and her children are eventually ok. I almost didn't post anything, because this kind of abuse is very personal to me. As a native American, I have seen abusive men abusing their women and children all my life. Growing up, I came to realize that I didn't know a woman who hadn't been beaten, raped or both. Seeing the movie 'Wind River' brought all my feelings about this subject out in a very powerful way. I have prayed for your sister and her children-and you. I will continue to pray.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,319
1,322
113
#80
Kayla, I hope your sister and her children are eventually ok. I almost didn't post anything, because this kind of abuse is very personal to me. As a native American, I have seen abusive men abusing their women and children all my life. Growing up, I came to realize that I didn't know a woman who hadn't been beaten, raped or both. Seeing the movie 'Wind River' brought all my feelings about this subject out in a very powerful way. I have prayed for your sister and her children-and you. I will continue to pray.
Thank you brother, I appreciate it so much. I think abuse is hidden in a lot of places we would not expect to find it. As open as people are on every subject today,nothing left to the imagination, oddly abuse is still taboo and kept quiet. It seems especially in church circles now days. It's terribly sad. I'm glad there are men like you who see it and speak up against it. Thank you for posting.