Married Single Parent, When You Can't Help

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K

kaylagrl

Guest
#81
#81
I'm needing advice once again. This week is spring break and my sister was supposed to bring the boys up to my parents so they could spend half the week. My mother kept trying to get in touch with my sister as to when and go pick up the boys. There was some back and forth and today the boys are still not at my parents. My mother was upset,we only see the kids 2 or 3 times a year and they only live two and a half hours away. So I told her to call until they answered and asked them why they were playing head games over the boys. They had already planned for the kids coming for spring break.

Long story short she got hold of my sister today. When she got off the phone she was crying. I said "mom what are you upset about?!" She said she didn't know how long my sister was going to be able to stay in the marriage. My sister said she was afraid to upset her husband so she let the kids go camping with his parents. She said she can't open her mouth and his family is once again after her. The couple that is counseling her is out of town so she said she doesn't want to upset her husband because she'd have no where to go. I'm at a loss here. I know what I'd do if she was my daughter. I didn't have time to stop and talk with my mother. I need a way for my sister to be able to contact me without her husband knowing. He has responded pretending to be my sister on FB. I feel she is in danger. She told her mother she doesn't want to worry us, but I feel she is in danger. What she is telling me scares me to death. So she's saying it's worse than what I know. Any insight as to how to help keep her safe would be appreciated. I just emailed her and told her we need to talk. I'm going to try one last time to convince her to leave this marriage.
 
Didymous

Didymous

Senior Member
#82
Feb 22, 2018
5,047
2,101
113
#82
There is nothing you can do. At times like this, God is all you have. His strength will be made perfect in your weakness..
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#83
#83
Didymous said:
There is nothing you can do. At times like this, God is all you have. His strength will be made perfect in your weakness..
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Just would appreciate your prayers brother.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#86
Feb 21, 2014
70,924
9,673
113
#86
kaylagrl said:
I'm needing advice once again. This week is spring break and my sister was supposed to bring the boys up to my parents so they could spend half the week. My mother kept trying to get in touch with my sister as to when and go pick up the boys. There was some back and forth and today the boys are still not at my parents. My mother was upset,we only see the kids 2 or 3 times a year and they only live two and a half hours away. So I told her to call until they answered and asked them why they were playing head games over the boys. They had already planned for the kids coming for spring break.

Long story short she got hold of my sister today. When she got off the phone she was crying. I said "mom what are you upset about?!" She said she didn't know how long my sister was going to be able to stay in the marriage. My sister said she was afraid to upset her husband so she let the kids go camping with his parents. She said she can't open her mouth and his family is once again after her. The couple that is counseling her is out of town so she said she doesn't want to upset her husband because she'd have no where to go. I'm at a loss here. I know what I'd do if she was my daughter. I didn't have time to stop and talk with my mother. I need a way for my sister to be able to contact me without her husband knowing. He has responded pretending to be my sister on FB. I feel she is in danger. She told her mother she doesn't want to worry us, but I feel she is in danger. What she is telling me scares me to death. So she's saying it's worse than what I know. Any insight as to how to help keep her safe would be appreciated. I just emailed her and told her we need to talk. I'm going to try one last time to convince her to leave this marriage.
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GO DOWN THERE AND GET HER. His parents are away, so are the kids. Take 3 or 4 big guys with you and hubby and go get her. I don't want to scare you but this would be a prime time to make her vanish, then claim that she just "ran away"...

Have her declared as incompetent or an unfit mother if you have to, but GET HER AND THOSE KIDS the he** away from this guy and this sham of a marriage!!!

Your parents need to frickin' wake up and realize how much danger she's in. They're turning a blind eye to all this. YES, she's an adult and YES it's her choice to stay or leave, BUT fear makes abused people do crazy things. I suggest you, your hubby, and your parents go and forcibly remove her from that house.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#87
Feb 21, 2014
70,924
9,673
113
#87
From what I've seen of your BIL on your nephew's channel, he looks like a total loser and control freak.. You said he works at night. That would be the perfect time to get her outta there. Though the next question is, how to get the kids away when they return from camping.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#88
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,959
113
#88
She really needs to leave, the sooner the better. She needs to go to a shelter for battered women, get some counseling and a lawyer. And her family needs to help her with money, because she has nothing herself. That is why she won't leave him, and this is called financial abuse. This guy is a classic abuser.

Did you send her that website? And get a pay as you go phone. Don't let her husband know she has it. They aren't expensive, and she could phone 911 when he is abusive. The police would kick HIM out!

So sorry for you family and sister they are going through this. I will keep praying for all of you.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#89
#89
I've had yet another conversation with my parents about this issue. My sister is coming up this weekend and my parents are going to sit her down and talk about what the next steps are. Sister Angela I haven't sent the sites you sent me to her. I realized that sometimes her husband reads her private messages to me and I want to make sure I don't put her in danger. So I have pushed my parents to confront her and let her know it's time to end this before someone is hurt. My husband and I will take the kids somewhere and let my parents hash this out with her. I'm hoping this will be the push she needs. She can't keep this up. Now his whole family is attacking her. My guess is they are trying to get rid of her and keep the boys. I see a long hard fight ahead of us. I'm trying to make my sister and parents understand that keeping the boys in this situation is abuse. Even if they aren't being abused they are seeing her being abused. But to me,I think they are all being abused and I want to see them out of there. So this weekend will tell what comes of it all. I'm hoping this will set things in motion. Thank you all for your concern and advice. I appreciate it and your prayers.
 
A

AuntieAnt

Guest
#90
#90
I pray in Jesus' name your sister see the truth and get a clean break from her abuser. May the Lord keep you all safe and her abuser be put in prison where he belongs. I pray for healing for your sister and her precious children. In Jesus' mighty, matchless name.


I just want to say to anyone (man or woman) reading this thread: If you are in an abusive relationship, get out of that situation immediately. It is a guarantee that if you excuse it once, it will not only happen again, it will escalate with time. Not my opinion, this is documented fact. The courts are filled with these exact same cases over and over. Don't become another statistic: GET OUT!

The more you allow someone to verbally and/or physically assault you, the less of a human being you are to them. It will eventually get to the point where your abuser will view you as nothing more than a possession, like a pet dog, and will become violently offended if you attempt to draw boundary lines on your behalf. They'll also convince you that you have absolutely no rights at all to speak up. In their eyes, your standing up for your rights is seen as all out war. And at that point, it IS war!

So remind yourself that allowing someone to assault you is only creating a dangerous situation. If you permit it, you give them absolutely no reason in the world to change. You are not loving or helping them by remaining with them. They belong in jail the first time they hit you or threaten to harm you to learn a lesson. No exceptions.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#91
#91
AuntieAnt said:
I pray in Jesus' name your sister see the truth and get a clean break from her abuser. May the Lord keep you all safe and her abuser be put in prison where he belongs. I pray for healing for your sister and her precious children. In Jesus' mighty, matchless name.


I just want to say to anyone (man or woman) reading this thread: If you are in an abusive relationship, get out of that situation immediately. It is a guarantee that if you excuse it once, it will not only happen again, it will escalate with time. Not my opinion, this is documented fact. The courts are filled with these exact same cases over and over. Don't become another statistic: GET OUT!

The more you allow someone to verbally and/or physically assault you, the less of a human being you are to them. It will eventually get to the point where your abuser will view you as nothing more than a possession, like a pet dog, and will become violently offended if you attempt to draw boundary lines on your behalf. They'll also convince you that you have absolutely no rights at all to speak up. In their eyes, your standing up for your rights is seen as all out war. And at that point, it IS war!

So remind yourself that allowing someone to assault you is only creating a dangerous situation. If you permit it, you give them absolutely no reason in the world to change. You are not loving or helping them by remaining with them. They belong in jail the first time they hit you or threaten to harm you to learn a lesson. No exceptions.
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Thank you so much sister. There is no tears emoji so sad is all I could add. But I feel tears. This was a slow building over the years. I never thought it would escalate to this point. There were red flags along the way. When I realized he had been married before with a child I told my sister to be very careful and seek counseling before she moved forward. She did not listen. But my heart breaks for her and the kids. As you said if you see abuse beginning get out. Get out before it's too late and you are trapped. I wish my sister saw this man for who he was. In the truest sense of the saying "love is blind" she was blinded. I can only hope she can have the strength to move to the next step and break free.
 
A

AuntieAnt

Guest
#92
#92
kaylagrl said:
Thank you so much sister. There is no tears emoji so sad is all I could add. But I feel tears. This was a slow building over the years. I never thought it would escalate to this point. There were red flags along the way. When I realized he had been married before with a child I told my sister to be very careful and seek counseling before she moved forward. She did not listen. But my heart breaks for her and the kids. As you said if you see abuse beginning get out. Get out before it's too late and you are trapped. I wish my sister saw this man for who he was. In the truest sense of the saying "love is blind" she was blinded. I can only hope she can have the strength to move to the next step and break free.
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Dear Kayla, there is hope in the Lord. I have seen so many of these cases in the court system and I can tell you, as soon as your sister gets away from him and acquires a system of support around her, including legal support, the quicker she will recover and be able to live life free of abuse. I pray in the name of Jesus that the Lord give you all an effective plan of action to combat this abuser and that you can all move past this terrible thing. God bless and keep you all safe and at peace in Jesus Christ.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#93
Feb 21, 2014
70,924
9,673
113
#93
I think it needs to be made crystal-clear to your sister, that if this keeps up, someone WILL end up dead. Either her or the husband. That needs to be pounded into her head this weekend. I think you should have your hubby take the kids, and sit down with your parents and talk to her. While she's staying with this abuser, she's subjecting her kids to danger and abuse. No offense but she's an unfit mother in a toxic situation and she is totally incapable of protecting the kids.

Maybe you should talk to her about signing temporary custody of the kids over to your family. That would be one less obstacle for her to get over with leaving this mess. If you have to, give her an ultimatum: LEAVE THE GUY or LOSE HER KIDS. If she has any common sense at all, I'd guarantee she'll choose her kids over this jack donkey.

Be blunt with her. Ask her if she wants to see her son kill his father. Or watch herself being taken out on a stretcher or worse. Or have CPS come snatch her kids. She needs to wake up to see just how serious this all is.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#94
Feb 21, 2014
70,924
9,673
113
#94
kaylagrl said:
Thank you so much sister. There is no tears emoji so sad is all I could add. But I feel tears. This was a slow building over the years. I never thought it would escalate to this point. There were red flags along the way. When I realized he had been married before with a child I told my sister to be very careful and seek counseling before she moved forward. She did not listen. But my heart breaks for her and the kids. As you said if you see abuse beginning get out. Get out before it's too late and you are trapped. I wish my sister saw this man for who he was. In the truest sense of the saying "love is blind" she was blinded. I can only hope she can have the strength to move to the next step and break free.
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Here's some sad emojis for you.. lol

Crying.gif Crying (2).png
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#96
#96
blue_ladybug said:
I think it needs to be made crystal-clear to your sister, that if this keeps up, someone WILL end up dead. Either her or the husband. That needs to be pounded into her head this weekend. I think you should have your hubby take the kids, and sit down with your parents and talk to her. While she's staying with this abuser, she's subjecting her kids to danger and abuse. No offense but she's an unfit mother in a toxic situation and she is totally incapable of protecting the kids.

Maybe you should talk to her about signing temporary custody of the kids over to your family. That would be one less obstacle for her to get over with leaving this mess. If you have to, give her an ultimatum: LEAVE THE GUY or LOSE HER KIDS. If she has any common sense at all, I'd guarantee she'll choose her kids over this jack donkey.

Be blunt with her. Ask her if she wants to see her son kill his father. Or watch herself being taken out on a stretcher or worse. Or have CPS come snatch her kids. She needs to wake up to see just how serious this all is.
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That's the problem, this issue has so many sides. His parents tried to take his daughter away from his ex-wife saying she was an unfit mother. It didn't work out and they say she is a whore and worse. They hate her. So if my sister tries to leave with the boys or my parents take them I have no doubt he will come after them. And his family along with them. He has relatives in high places so I fear what fight we have ahead for the kids. And my sister will not leave without her children. So much is up in the air and I have no clue which direction to go in with any of this. I just need a clear mind and right now I can't hardly remember my own name. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, when I sleep I have horrific nightmares. I just don't know which way to go and how to untangle this mess.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#97
#97
Kay I’m so sorry to hear about your sister.

I agree with the other comments he is not a Christian. Just because someone goes
to church doesn’t mean they are a Christian.

I think the problem is that some people would rather face the devil they know rather
than the devil they don’t.

Is there any way that once the kids are with your parents, that she would then
also be able to visit and while there, go to the police and contact an organisation which
helps women who have abusive husbands. I’m sure the police could help with getting an
injunction against the husband. She could also explain to them that the children are
seeing all the abuse and it’s affecting them.

She is probably worried about the repercussions but they just cannot be any where
near as bad as her current situation. She probably won’t be able to do this without
help from the correct organisations and family help. But with encouragement and support
she can do this if she knows people will support her.

I hope it all goes ok. No one should have to live in such an atmosphere.
As for the children starting to notice now, they will have been noticing all this
from a very young age and it will be clouding their judgement as to what
family life looks like and causing all sorts of problems. They could even become
abusers themselves if they think anger and manipulation is the norm.
 
Deror

Deror

Senior Member
#98
Mar 30, 2018
303
147
43
#98
Dear Kaylagrl, so sorry to hear about your sis still in all this ☹️ Hope you’re bearing up.
It’s obvious you love and care for your sis, God be with you and strengthen you dear. My heart goes out to you. Try to stay strong, and focused. Keep praying!
I’ll sure be keeping you and your sis and her kids in prayer on a regular basis.

I haven’t been able to read all comments right now but agree about helping her financially to empower her to choose to leave - if it’s money keeping her from packing up and braving it and leaving - lack of finances and somewhere to go can prevent women from breaking free of controlling partners, yes it is financial abuse!
Also agree about the pay as you go phone, it’s probable the controlling husband would read your email to her and therefore would find out your plans. He might have access to her device, phone, comp.
Could you buy her a non-smart phone, PAYG that you could top up for her from your end ? so she doesn’t have any pressure of trying to sneak out to top it up, then only share the number between you both. She’d have to keep it hidden and not link it to any other account or email.

Remember the power and control wheels, also the links to how to help a woman who wants to leave, from the resource I fwd’d to you. Sorry if it’s not much help. If I can find any more specific/relevant resources, I’ll get back to you.
Gosh it’s awful isnt it, why do people think they can go around doing this to people, esp to a wife and kids. Good Lord it makes me wanna raise awareness so much, if I won the lottery I’d build safe houses and retreat centres!

Stay strong girl! With God, we can overcome so much as believers. Praying 2 Thess 3:3 for you all in the meantime.
Praying for you to get some quality sleep (must be difficult to switch off and relax🙁)
Praying for your head to clear to think all this through. Jesus’ Peace to you.
May God watch over you all, and help you. God bless you all so much. Praying the Good Lord Jesus will guide you every step and your sis has ears to hear your loving concern, that His Spirit breaks through any mental Fog she is experiencing and brings her a breath of Fresh Holy Spirit air to clear her mind of all the lies and sets her free.. in Jesus.

God loves you all so much. Have faith plus be practical. Draw from His strength and Living waters, and keep asking ABBA Father for His wisdom, He is a way maker right? Hugs
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#99
#99
Just asking for prayers for this situation again. I talked to my sister the other day. My BIL has gone off his meds and she said it's been hell. I cried with her and prayed with her. She believes God wants her to stay. And so I prayed God would move and change this situation, whatever it takes. I'm waiting for God to tell me, show me how to move or what to do. Something needs to break. I don't want to make the wrong move.

On top of all this is his family, who see my BIL as doing no wrong. His sister has attacked my sister saying she is the problem and emailed all the family behind her back to tell them this. Her FIL has said of my sister "I hate that f-ing b$#%$". She is afraid if she tries to leave his family will lie and take her boys away. So I'm at a loss as to what to do. She is being abused. She hasn't admitted yet that he hit her, but I wouldn't be surprised. She has said he has shoved her. I'm heartbroken for my nephews, and for my sister. When she married my BIL he was youth leader, a board member and now he won't even attend church. We met them a few weeks back for a meal. Before we left I said we should pray. My BIL said "don't look at me, I'm not in any place to pray" His youngest said "I'll pray" and ended his prayer "help us to follow in His footsteps". He's 11 yrs old. I wanted to weep. Why can his father not see what he is doing to his sons and his wife?! What does it take to wake people up?! I'm at a loss. So thank you for remembering my sister and her sons in your prayers.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#100
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#100
Sorry Kayla to read about all this drama. Is this the same sister you mentioned was a stepmother in another thread?

My first thought was why isnt her husband locked up. Rather than have your sister run away, why isnt her husband in an asylum. If hes threatened suicide he ought to be in a mental hospital or rehab or some such place as safety for everyone else. Is there a mental health team you can call. Otherise report him to the police.

Dont take no for answer and have him arrested or sectioned. Rather have him put in jail and locked up then your sister have to run away and be under constant fear he will come after her or abuse the children.
 
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