Hello, everyone! i'm reading this thread, and i could not help but post a reply, since this is something i've struggled with myself...for a very long time.
I feel very nervous, opening up about my own struggles, knowing how most people look at women who are sexually promiscuous, labeling them as downright sluts or whores...at some point, i've labeled myself as such as well. It's not because i had throes of men come and go, but the fact that i have been sinning all by myself, deep in fornication, doesn't make me feel any less.
I was raised in a Catholic family, with a strict father, and a mother who worked overseas. I didn't grow up abandoned, being under the constant care of my aunts and uncles, and i understood our situation fully well. I don't count my childhood as miserable, but it's definitely not ideal either. My folks raised me up to the best of their knowledge, teaching me what is good and what is bad.
I could say the main fault was pornography lying around where a child shouldnt reach it, even by accident. Plus the lack of open communication within the family. To this day, in our country, sex talk is quite taboo. Some government officials and people at the justice system are even blocking the passage of the Reproductive Health Bill, which includes sex education for the young and teenage age groups, where the rise of sexual promiscuities and pregnancies are alarming.
Back to my experience, i actually stumbled upon porn at age 7. Curiosity does kill, in my case, my innocence. But it seemed like esoteric knowledge to me at the time, which i never shared to anyone, but not brooded over either. Still, i know its seed had already planted somewhere in my thoughts, to later fuel what carnal desire is sleeping within me.
And sure enough, it did. At age 12 or 13, i've already learned how to masturbate. From the stuff i've read, i explored, and so i was addicted. No one really knew how badly. It didnt come to a point where i was looking for a partner, but it was nearing that. I wasnt a Christian then, so i didnt care. All i knew was that it felt good, so i gave in repeatedly. I still churched as a Catholic then, but their sermons held no meaning. It was all just ritual. And i felt no need to address the issue to my folks. My parents were already separated by then, they split when i was 11. Which we actually celebrated for, because our Dad was a terrible father. I'll be sharing about that maybe in a future post or blog. As a whole, i grew up to be emotionally independent of my family, who, although they say they want to know my struggles and help me with them, are actually irked by the fact hat i'm burdening them with things they think i should know what to do about. So i remained living alone, surrounded by many.
Although a seed of lust has been planted within me, the Word of God had been also planted in my heart and mind. When i was younger, i was able to attend Sunday school at a Christian church, where my childhood bestfriend was attending with her family. For a whole summer, i saw what real praise and worship and fellowship was like. I was delighted to know that there is a real church apart from the one i've been taught to attend and st down in every Sunday. My heart longed for continued fellowship and learning in that church, but my mother forbided me from attending, saying that the church was merely brainwashing me, and i'm just the fool they needed to hear what they had to say. But even though i was forbided to go, i remember the one talk i had with the pastor there. He said that someday, i will realize that there are things that i cannot do anything about...situations where i will say i can't go on anymore. When that happens, he told me to talk to God, and ask Him to take over, and to take charge of my life from then on. He said that i will never regret it. I didnt fully understood what it meant, or how serious it was. I read the Bible, but didn't know what it meant, it was more like a reference. But i remembered his words well. I was age 9.
Then that time came, when i was forced to the wall within my own family, in a chaos that was supposedly my fault, but i didnt know it was, and everyone was shouting and blaming me. I was 14 then, being asked to hold the family budget, struggling to live a normal life without a father and an absentee mom away overseas, and everything was falling apart. I ran to my room, closed the door, and broke down in the dark. And i remembered the advice given to me. I talked to God, not even sure if He was real, or that if He would listen to a messed up sinner like me. But i surrendered to Him that night, knowing that if i went on living by myself, i will foul up worse than i have that day....and that would just be the end for me. And right after i uttered my words of surrender, He came and lifted up all the burdens i had, even the ones i didnt know were crushing me flat. It was an inexplicable feeling of hope and peace, of love and joy! I knew that He was real, and He has saved me!
After that, everything changed. Nothing could bring me down, i always had a smile and praise to God on my lips. His words came alive, unlike i've ever seen before. I knew i had found the one true living God, and i love Him, and want to be with Him forever!
But alas, i didnt know that a Christian could still grow cold and weary...could still experience defeat and despair...and i fell to the familiar sins once again. And after falling the 2nd time, it seemed harder to resist and rise above from...the feeling of guilt made it seem like there was a wall separating me from God's presence....i felt alone again, although i knew He never left me. But i felt as if His love was taken away and i'm no longer worthy...such a major lie!
For years, i've struggled with substitutes to fill in the need for love. I thought i needee a lover, and i had them. Gave myself to them without thinking twice as i should've...i've been such a fool. Thought it was ok coz they were Christian too...but in my heart of hearts, i knew i was defiled. I cried for the loss of my purity...i thought i have become damaged goods. That made things even worse. It was like an endless downward spiral...with me hating myself more...wanting to go back to God, but feeling i no longer could....
Slowly, i tried to return to God, praying hard, rehearsing His promises. Claiming my victory over sin and death, and God's forgiveness and cleansing of my sins at the cross. It was hard and very discouraging when we keep falling, but we had to keep rising again, with the strength and grace the He provides.
Just a few weeks ago, being in state of emptiness and despair, He opened my eyes to the truth, to what is happening in the world. I was shaken from my self disillusionment...there are more pressing things at hand now. I can no longer keep living a life of defeat, it wasn't what God called me out of the darkness for. He wanted me to stand, and live His calling for my life, which is to follow Him and live by Him and in Him, and to serve and be source of love and inspiration for the brethren, even for the world, as His witness. In an instant, i was revived spiritually. I praise Him for making me so, inspite of everything....every failure and every fall.
I know this post is so very long...i hope you don't hate me for giving you eye strain from reading it. I want to say that sin is here, in our flesh. As long as we're in this world, we will struggle with sin. And that sexual sin isn't mainly a male problem...it is also a female problem, though most would not admit it. I am not proud that i have fallen...all i could boast of is God who is in my life, who changes me from day to day, enabling me to stand and shake off the sin that hinders, to continue to run the race, fixing my eyes upon Him.
It is important to stay close to Him and His word. For His Word is filled with power, to dispell all lies and bring freedom and victory! It is also important to have a heart that truly seeks His kingdom and His righteousness, for He draws near to those who draw near to Him, and those that are His will have want for nothing. His love and His grace should never be forgotten, as well as the very dear price that was paid for our sins, which is the very life and blood of His precious Son, our sweet Lord Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:9-10 9 And this i pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment,
10 That you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the
day of Christ
1 Peter 4:1-3 1 Therefore, since Christ suffered doe us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has
suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin,
2 That he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.
3 For we have enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts,
drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties,band abominable idolatries.
Hebrews 12:1-2. 1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight,
and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
2 Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the
cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever thungs are noble, whatever things are just, whatever
things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there
is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things.
God bless us all, and move our hearts and minds in holiness, with boldness and might for His glory!!
