My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[LambieBear]

I read post #58. It sounds like your wife was not responding to your needs, and you have repressed anger about it, so you weren't responding to her needs. Not meeting each other's physical or emotional needs is a common problem in relationships. I'm sorry you're wife isn't willing to reconsider. I know men have trouble talking about their feelings, but have you tried opening up to her, and just telling her how you feel? Maybe you could tell her you were very hurt when she refused your affections, and it made you mad because you didn't know how to deal with it. Let her know you weren't mad at her, you were frustrated by the situation. Tell her you felt like she was rejecting you because she didn't love you anymore. If she still loves you, but she thinks you aren't willing to change, it might be possible to save your marriage, but she has to be willing to change to or else you are just going to end up right back where you started.

If she doesn't love you, then you deserve to be in a loving relationship. You can find someone who makes you happy.
Lastly, I suggest asking her if she wants to get marriage counseling first, and another thing is she might just be homesick, and you might want to get a trial separation before you decide to end it for good.

I hope these ideas help. Try explaining to her how harmful this could be to your child. I hope she knows how traumatic divorce can be for a kid that young.

I wish you well. May God bless you and your family.

 

[mystikmind]

Tonight she is on the computer showing me rental properties, perfectly friendly and relaxed, and there is that attitude that it is all no big deal at all.

i am starting to get very angry, i think i prefer the divorce option right now

 

[mystikmind]

that is strange, just as i was despairing in the above post, a mutual friend suddenly sent me an email reply after five days, the chances that it would come at that moment??

 

[mystikmind]

I read post #58. It sounds like your wife was not responding to your needs, and you have repressed anger about it, so you weren't responding to her needs. Not meeting each other's physical or emotional needs is a common problem in relationships. I'm sorry you're wife isn't willing to reconsider. I know men have trouble talking about their feelings, but have you tried opening up to her, and just telling her how you feel? Maybe you could tell her you were very hurt when she refused your affections, and it made you mad because you didn't know how to deal with it. Let her know you weren't mad at her, you were frustrated by the situation. Tell her you felt like she was rejecting you because she didn't love you anymore. If she still loves you, but she thinks you aren't willing to change, it might be possible to save your marriage, but she has to be willing to change to or else you are just going to end up right back where you started.

If she doesn't love you, then you deserve to be in a loving relationship. You can find someone who makes you happy.
Lastly, I suggest asking her if she wants to get marriage counseling first, and another thing is she might just be homesick, and you might want to get a trial separation before you decide to end it for good.

I hope these ideas help. Try explaining to her how harmful this could be to your child. I hope she knows how traumatic divorce can be for a kid that young.

I wish you well. May God bless you and your family.

This is where it gets strange, i did already do exactly as you suggested, we even shed a tear together and agreed we both made mistakes. Despite all that, there is still absolute zero compromise on the divorce.

 

[PaleoGirl]

The next message came to me when i was obsessing over all the things my wife was doing, breaking up our family, taking away my home, destroying our marriage, and i am imagining all these motives and things she might be up to and secret men in her life etc etc. The message came to me "Love thy enemy" And God did not mean my wife is my enemy, he meant that if i am to love my enemy, then so much easier it should be to love someone who hurts me but is not my enemy! Suddenly all my silly imaginings seemed so unimportant, and i have held true to this feeling, no matter what she is doing to me, i can answer her with love.

These are not the words of a repentant man.

I would be curious to hear your wife's perspective, because I know we aren't getting the entire story here. She may be justified in her position, or she may not be. What is clear is that YOU have admitted to mistakes that directly affected your marriage. And yet you blame your wife for "destroying" your marriage. I have news for you... the legal process of divorce does not destroy a marriage. The sin of one or both parties destroys a marriage.

Imagining motives, other men, etc., etc. My ex constantly threw these accusations at me, and I NEVER had an affair or had evil intentions of breaking apart our family. My heart was breaking just as much as his, but I made the best decision I could considering the circumstances (he committed adultery and was abusive).

 

[PaleoGirl]

I still think you should tell her you were wrong to agree to the divorce, that it's immoral and you won't be complicit by cooperating in such a thing when there aren't even grounds (ask if she's had an affair). If it were me, I'd tell my wife that as her husband, I forbid her to divorce me. Then I think you should not follower her around like a puppy dog trying to get her to love you. If she wants to talk, she will. You can be open and available. You can also say that right now you are her husband, and are your daughter's father, and you want to live a certain way when it comes to prayer and family devotions. You could push a bit to get her involved.

If it were me, and my wife were like that, I'd be disappointed in her and I might respect her as much. I don't think it's wrong to tell a woman that when she's acting that way. She's there being upset with you, if you've told your whole story, for no concrete reason. It might not hurt her to think that you have reason to be disgusted with the way she's acting or your losing respect for her. The Bible says to love your neighbor, and rebuke your neighbor frankly lest you share in his sin.
I don't see a problem with pointing out that leaving a husband like that is being a bad mother and sowing something bad into the daughter's life as well. As head in the marriage, you shouldn't be complicit in such a thing.

I got some advice from one person who says if a couple hate each other, there is some hope because there is emotional investment. Apathy is harder to come back from.

I heard a preacher say once not to make decisions with permanent consequences based on temporary feelings. It sounds like your wife wants to do that (unless there is an affair going on, and even then that may be the case.) If your wife claims to be a believer, she may be thinking she will sin now, and ask forgiveness later. God really doesn't like that sort of thing. People who do that face consequences down the road. If you start praying with her and having devotions, it may put her in a situation where she has to consider her faith as it relates to divorce.

If you are afraid the slightest thing may push her away from God, that doesn't seem to be a legitimate fear, IMO. It sounds like she is already pushing away from God by trying to get a divorce if the story you have told us is complete.

Going forward, both of you are going to have to realize that your marriage is going to have to be based on more than emotional feelings of love or feeling happy. Serious marital love has to have an aspect of commitment to it, and marriage is also about pleasing God who created it, not just our temporary happiness.

Who do you think you are? God?

"I'd tell my wife that as her husband, I forbid her to divorce me."
You cannot legally do so. Your wife has rights just as much as you do. You are EQUAL in the sight of God. Certainly, God gives different roles to each male and female in a relationship. But you do not have AUTHORITY over her choices in life. Big difference.

Stop pretending to be God.

 

[Sirk]

These are not the words of a repentant man.

I would be curious to hear your wife's perspective, because I know we aren't getting the entire story here. She may be justified in her position, or she may not be. What is clear is that YOU have admitted to mistakes that directly affected your marriage. And yet you blame your wife for "destroying" your marriage. I have news for you... the legal process of divorce does not destroy a marriage. The sin of one or both parties destroys a marriage.

Imagining motives, other men, etc., etc. My ex constantly threw these accusations at me, and I NEVER had an affair or had evil intentions of breaking apart our family. My heart was breaking just as much as his, but I made the best decision I could considering the circumstances (he committed adultery and was abusive).

Mo offense to the op but I am skeptical as well. I cannot count on both hands the number of times I've talked to men who are seriously out of whack with the reality of what is going on in their relationships with their wives.

 

[JesusLives]

I haven't read the whole thread, but questions for you. How did you woo her in the first place? Have you treated her as precious in your eyes? Do you take for granted the things she does for you? Maybe show more appreciation. Help around the house a little, if you know how to cook or not learn to cook her a meal. Show her you love her other than in the bedroom. Make her feel like you need her as your partner and the you really value your relationship.

Have you prayed and given your heart to God to make new and pray that your wife has a change of heart towards you? Have you asked God to help you become aware of ways to make your marriage better.

I found for myself that full submission to God has solved a lot of problems I had been facing in the last year and my life has turned around much for the better. So I recommend you give yourself in full submission to God and watch Him work miracles in your life.

 

[JesusLives]

As i mentioned earlier, i have not looked after my spirituality, it is like my heart has been asleep and the divorce has woken it up!

So now i am in he position where if i try to be spiritual with her, she will think "so NOW your spiritual, pppfffft"

The thing about that is you must live that spiritual life you can't just talk about it and if you are living it then she will see a difference.

 

[Sirk]

These are not the words of a repentant man.

I would be curious to hear your wife's perspective, because I know we aren't getting the entire story here. She may be justified in her position, or she may not be. What is clear is that YOU have admitted to mistakes that directly affected your marriage. And yet you blame your wife for "destroying" your marriage. I have news for you... the legal process of divorce does not destroy a marriage. The sin of one or both parties destroys a marriage.

Imagining motives, other men, etc., etc. My ex constantly threw these accusations at me, and I NEVER had an affair or had evil intentions of breaking apart our family. My heart was breaking just as much as his, but I made the best decision I could considering the circumstances (he committed adultery and was abusive).

He can forbid all he wants but it ain't gonna do any good. This is the mentality of the Jihadist really...."convert or die". I prefer to have the authentic love of my wife by serving her in spirit and truth.

 

[Sirk]

So now i am in he position where if i try to be spiritual with her, she will think "so NOW your spiritual, pppfffft"

And she will. Real change takes time and effort. She doesn't trust you. Trust is hard to earn and easily broken.

 

[JesusLives]

I have another fear i am not sure how to deal with it?

How do you have faith that something will happen and you are ready to truly believe that it will happen, then if it doesn't happen your faith gets damaged?

I guess that is what makes faith such a special thing?

Faith is not believing in yourself but fully believing in God's ability. God is faithful and if you give yourself and theses problems to Him trust God to do this for and with you. God can make you the man you would like to become if you submit yourself to Him and allow Him to change your heart. Nothing is impossible with God. Do you love your wife enough to fight for her? Do you want you marriage to succeed? Then give your life to God and watch Him work not doubting God's ability. God can fix this situation and you if you will allow Him to do it.

 

[JesusLives]

Also, if my wife was to agree to pray with me, i would love to hear some prayer suggestions? Something not too confronting but also meaningful?

How about praying to allow God to take over in your life and change you. Let her pray for her change but you work on yourself with God.

 

[mystikmind]

Thanks to all for their posts, and even thank you for the rebuke's, Lord help me to be open to that if it is what i need to hear

 

[mystikmind]

This morning i apologized to my wife for not being more interested in the properties she was showing me, i explained that it is hard for me to think about that just now on top of everything else.

She said that it's ok, and said sorry as well for being too hasty with it. She went on to explain that she prefers to think about practical things right now rather than all the other issues.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

mystik, my first relationship of 4 years ended in very much the same manner you've outlined thus far. Granted, we had no children, were not married, and I imagine your relationship has endured much longer than 4 years. All the same, this is a painful and maturing process. Sirk has stated around the forums more than once that we have poor coping mechanisms and that we need to give in to our pain at times, and I wholly agree!

When my lady and I of 4 years separated, I was apt to preserving the relationship. She was not. We touched upon revisiting the idea of "us" in the future, but it never happened, and as I stand today, I can honestly say that I am grateful that we didn't. I am a different person through and through, and she may very well be also. Had we rejoined, I may not have developed as I have. And it is very likely you and your wife will go through similar motions and develop into different ─ hopefully better ─ human beings, also.

My experience aside, please be respectful of her and of yourself. Try to abstain from the anger, the resentment. And...

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. - Matthew 5:4

 

[mystikmind]

mystik, my first relationship of 4 years ended in very much the same manner you've outlined thus far. Granted, we had no children, were not married, and I imagine your relationship has endured much longer than 4 years. All the same, this is a painful and maturing process. Sirk has stated around the forums more than once that we have poor coping mechanisms and that we need to give in to our pain at times, and I wholly agree!

When my lady and I of 4 years separated, I was apt to preserving the relationship. She was not. We touched upon revisiting the idea of "us" in the future, but it never happened, and as I stand today, I can honestly say that I am grateful that we didn't. I am a different person through and through, and she may very well be also. Had we rejoined, I may not have developed as I have. And it is very likely you and your wife will go through similar motions and develop into different ─ hopefully better ─ human beings, also.

My experience aside, please be respectful of her and of yourself. Try to abstain from the anger, the resentment. And...

yes these are things i need to consider as well.

The way i see it, there is the horribly flawed me and then there is the person (still flawed, but normal) i was meant to be.

My wife is talking about how outgoing she is, she wants to go out, go to parties, dance, have fun like that.

However, that is not really the type of person that i am, i prefer the more peaceful, quieter life. it is certainly true that opposites attract!

So what i want to ask my wife is this, When i find healing for the big flaws that are not really me, would she want to be with that new man or has she decided that she wants a different type of person entirely, someone that i can never be? But even so, we still have to ask the question, is that really sufficient reason that we could never find a way to be truly happy?

 

[presidente]

These are not the words of a repentant man.

Why exactly does he need to repent? Do you have a specific sin to accuse him of?

Just about anyone whose spouse is not pleased with them who wants a divorce is going to think about past mistakes. We are all I progress and we all need to improve.

Does that mean he can't see that it's unjust that his wife is leaving him for no solid reason, if that's the case?

I would be curious to hear your wife's perspective, because I know we aren't getting the entire story here. She may be justified in her position, or she may not be. What is clear is that YOU have admitted to mistakes that directly affected your marriage.[/quote

I've seen threads on other forums where the other spouse comes on and drops a big bomb like letting everyone know the husband had been chatting women up on facebook or having physical affairs or whatever. So there can always be more to the story. But we can't assume posters are guilty of something like this when the haven't given us any reason to assume so.

We all make mistakes in our marriage. I've made mistakes in my marriage, but my wife hasn't left me or got me a book of rental apartments for me to move out.

There are wives who leave because their husbands cheat or beat them or do drugs, or something like that. There are also wives who get discontent because marriage didn't meet up to some expectation of there. This sort of thing is very common and if you read forums and things like that online there are plenty of women leaving marriage over being bored, or tired of their husbands, or not in love.

 

[presidente]

Who do you think you are? God?

"I'd tell my wife that as her husband, I forbid her to divorce me."
You cannot legally do so.

I don't have to be God to forbid my wife to divorce me. Being a husband is enough. And since God forbids it, I'd just be reiterating his point.

Legally, there is no law against a husband saying that, at least not any that I know of here in the supposed land of 'free speech.'

Your wife has rights just as much as you do.

Right to do what? Sin? Neither of us has a right to sin before God.

You are EQUAL in the sight of God.

I can't find anything about everyone being equal in the Bible. It doesn't seem to be a very relevant concept. Americans often use 'equal' in rather meaningless ways. I'm taller than my wife. She's not equal to me in terms of height, or upper body strength for that matter. But she has an ability to bear children that I don't have, and she's a much better cook, so I am not her equal in those areas. But I suppose if I called us 'equal' without any qualification or explanation that's supposed to mean something important.

Certainly, God gives different roles to each male and female in a relationship. But you do not have AUTHORITY over her choices in life. Big difference.

The Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife and the wife is supposed to submit to her husband following the example of Sarah, who obeyed Abraham.

Whether the OP says something like that is up to him. There are dozens of different ways he could communicate the idea that he is going to oppose divorcing her. I think he should put his foot down, and at least communicate he isn't going to do anything to move in that direction. IMO, it's a pretty foolish area for a man to capitulate to his wife in if she is pushing for a bad, harmful decision for the family and for herself.

I might tell my wife something like that since she realizes she is supposed to submit to me. It might not work a well with a wife who has big problem with submission. There are other ways to communicate the same idea. The husband is the head. If he agrees to go along with the divorce, he's released the brakes that are keeping the cart from rolling down the hill and crashing. I hope our brother re-applies the brakes.

 

[presidente]

So what i want to ask my wife is this, When i find healing for the big flaws that are not really me, would she want to be with that new man or has she decided that she wants a different type of person entirely, someone that i can never be? But even so, we still have to ask the question, is that really sufficient reason that we could never find a way to be truly happy?

I think your wife's problem is a spiritual one. She has let her mind and emotions run in the wrong direction. If her hearts were rightly submitted to the Lord, then she would submit to her husband and love her husband. Her feelings are all over the place, and if I were you, I wouldn't be asking her if she could love you. I might tell her if she got past this stuff and got her heart right with the lord, "you will love me again" or something like that. But I wouldn't ask her if she thought she could, because she's convinced herself she can't.

She's probably operating under some false assumptions. One is that she should stay married as long as she is in love with her husband. That's the wrong way of thinking. She should realize she is married and be committed to God on that matter. If she doesn't love you, she should repent, not divorce. She is probably also operating under the false assumption that marriage is supposed to make you happy, and if you aren't then you get a divorce. She's probably relying on marriage to make her happy. She needs to find her joy in the Lord. A good healthy marriage should contribute to someone's happiness, but if it doesn't, you work on it instead of leaving it.

If it were me, in my conversations with my wife, I'd be focusing on doing what pleases the Lord. You need to focus on that in your own life. If she decides she wants to do that, then you two can pray about all the feelings issues. IMO, that stuff is easy if you have both repented of your sins and have a right heart toward God. God can take care of all that stuff in a few minutes.