My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[presidente]

This morning i apologized to my wife for not being more interested in the properties she was showing me, i explained that it is hard for me to think about that just now on top of everything else.

She said that it's ok, and said sorry as well for being too hasty with it. She went on to explain that she prefers to think about practical things right now rather than all the other issues.

If she were pushing looking at apartments, I'd be talking about a place for her to go, while I stayed with the kids. If the kids are living with you rather than her, it may give you a big advantage in getting custody in some jurisdictions.

We live in an unjust society where one partner can just divorce their spouse without grounds. If that person is female, then she usually gets the kids. It is the way the government rewards women for not honoring their covenant with their husbands. But they don't reward the men as often for the same behavior.

Of course a judge may decide that you have to reward your wife by giving her child support to live off of with your kids who you see on weekends if she lets you.

Of course, if you are agreeing to the divorce and just going along with it, that's a different scenario, since she isn't just doing you that way. You are agreeing with it and cooperating with it.

 

[mystikmind]

Thank's to all for the posts, I love that people have different perspectives, and weather you agree with something someone says or not, you remember it, and perhaps in the future you will learn something else to change your mind, you never know?

 

[pianissimo]

Right to do what? Sin? Neither of us has a right to sin before God.

Everybody has a right to sin before God. It's called free will. You forbidding your wife to do ANYTHING means you are denying another person's rights. Ignorant... Misogynist much?

Goodness...

 

[PaleoGirl]

I can't find anything about everyone being equal in the Bible. It doesn't seem to be a very relevant concept. Americans often use 'equal' in rather meaningless ways. I'm taller than my wife. She's not equal to me in terms of height, or upper body strength for that matter. But she has an ability to bear children that I don't have, and she's a much better cook, so I am not her equal in those areas. But I suppose if I called us 'equal' without any qualification or explanation that's supposed to mean something important.

Galations 3:28
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

 

[mystikmind]

Inequity in the court system regarding divorce is another issue, but i do not blame the wives or the lawyers, or even the judges (in most cases). As far as i am concerned, wherever people do not receive justice in a court room the blame lies in the inadequacy of law and those who make the law... Government!

Our immediate plans are that she will move in with her mom while we finish fixing up the house to sell it.

I like the idea of being apart so she can experience the full reality of life with me gone, but then we would be seeing each other to work on the house which would kindof counteract that.

 

[presidente]

Everybody has a right to sin before God. It's called free will.

So do you think it's right to sin? You could hypothetically violate the law by murdering someone in the state of Texas, for example, and call that exercising your 'right' to murder. But if you told that to the judge, he would say you had no right to do so. You could argue that you exercised 'free will' to commit the murder. People who believe in free will would agree with you, while Calvinists would disagree.

Free will and 'rights' aren't the same thing.

You forbidding your wife to do ANYTHING means you are denying another person's rights. Ignorant..

I find your line of reasoning a bit ignorant, honestly. If I were to tell my wife 'I forbid you to divorce me' I wouldn't be violating anyone's rights. If the police put me in jail over it, I could go to court of their violating my right of free speech, but that would be an issue of secular law.

Misogynist much?

Believing that a wife should submit to her husband doesn't mean a man hates women. Women believing that doesn't make them self-loathing. God believing that doesn't mean He hates women.

 

[presidente]

Galations 3:28
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

The context is being heirs according to the promise. Formerly, Gentiles had to be circumcised to be considered a part of the people of Israel. A slave could be circumcised as a part of Jewish household. A wife whose husband was circumcised could be considered a part if her husband were circumcised.

But in Christ individual Gentiles, slaves, women, etc. are allowed to be heirs according to the promise.

Notice this is from the same author who told slaves to submit to their masters, wives to submit to their husbands. He circumcised Timothy, the son of a Jewish mother, while Titus, the Gentile, was not compelled to be circumcised. He told those called in circumcision to not seek to be uncircumcised (and there was a reversal operation) and for those uncircumcised not to seek to be circumcised. He followed the advice of those who suggested he go into the temple to demonstrate, among other things, that he wasn't teaching Jewish people not to circumcise their children.

So Paul wasn't against any and all gender distinctions, distinctions between slaves and masters, and between Jews and Gentiles in this life. But all can be heirs according to the promise.

 

[presidente]

I like the idea of being apart so she can experience the full reality of life with me gone, but then we would be seeing each other to work on the house which would kindof counteract that.

If that's your strategy, I hope it works out and she misses you. But I think it is way too risky. Paul, communicating a commandment from the Lord says, "Let not the wife depart from her husband".

A lot of men whose wives move or who move out themselves 'to work on the marriage' while living separately find that it doesn't work. Read some of the marriage forums that have a lot of people with those sorts of problems if you don't believe me. Moving out is a step toward divorce. You can convince yourself of something else, but usually it is. I'm not saying it is not salvageable, but it's a step in the right direction.

If I were you, I'd go back to not agreeing with living separately. If she cries, she cries. At least she's feeling something. It may be better for her to be sad about a good thing than happy about a bad thing. And what's she going to do? Keep you up at night talking about it? It doesn't sound like you have been sleeping the night through anyway.

If she's too thrilled about you moving out, I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't another man, at least someone on her mind, a facebook or text friend, an old boyfriend from high school. I wouldn't rule it out. If it were me, and we owned a joint phone plan, I'd consider it worth it to check out phone records which the phone company will give you either free or for a fee if you can't access them online. I've read your story before, but from someone else, and there was a boyfriend in it.

I could be wrong, but it's a possibility.

If she wants to be a good girl and has a 'friend' in mind, she could try to seek to justify herself by getting you out of the house and dating other women so she can feel free and justified and have an excuse to tell everyone and a story to spin.

 

[Cee]

I think the focus on saving the marriage is what is giving it a temporary feel to you and your wife.

There is a lot of work to be done. And right now I think the main focus is to be obedient to what God is calling you to do. Trying to save the marriage is essentially trying to control the person. But trying to understand your wife and what she needs. And how she communicates love is loving her as we are commanded to do.

Pray for her, but be obedient to what God is doing in your life. You wrote a list of reasons why she feels she needs a divorce. Her feelings are important. Devaluing her feelings is probably one the reasons you're here. Obviously this isn't all your fault, but you can't control her. All you can do is be obedient to God and love her.

There are 5 levels of intimacy...
- Cliche (how are things? things are great, oh that's great, great, okay great, see you later)
- Facts (I'll see you at 9pm to get the kids, okay see you then bye)
- Thoughts/Opinions
- Feelings
- Needs

Where are you at right now with your wife? Knowing this will give you an idea of how safe/loved she feels around you.

I agree with the previous poster there is pain to be processed, I suggest asking Holy Spirit who you still need to forgive. Sometimes this can be yourself, it might even be your wife. Forgiveness helps process pain.

In a weird way it sounds like you both want a divorce because you've forgotten how to communicate heart to heart with each other. And your feelings and resentment have built up that you believe it is love for you to let each other ago.

This might not make me popular, but in my opinion is if she decides to move forward with the divorce she is fully at fault for it. You could tell her you don't want a divorce. But you're not going to control her. That's between her and God, but you are going to love her regardless because she's your wife.

You might be at fault for things getting to where they are, but she will be at fault for divorce if you don't agree with it. Regardless love her, figure out what she needs from you, how can she feel safe, and if she wants to do things you don't want to do, do them anyway. That's called love. It spells sacrifice. Think of what Jesus did for you. Love her like that.

C.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

 

[ChristInUs]

IDK, I have been married for 25 years and love every moment.

 

[PaleoGirl]

If that's your strategy, I hope it works out and she misses you. But I think it is way too risky. Paul, communicating a commandment from the Lord says, "Let not the wife depart from her husband".

A lot of men whose wives move or who move out themselves 'to work on the marriage' while living separately find that it doesn't work. Read some of the marriage forums that have a lot of people with those sorts of problems if you don't believe me. Moving out is a step toward divorce. You can convince yourself of something else, but usually it is. I'm not saying it is not salvageable, but it's a step in the right direction.

If I were you, I'd go back to not agreeing with living separately. If she cries, she cries. At least she's feeling something. It may be better for her to be sad about a good thing than happy about a bad thing. And what's she going to do? Keep you up at night talking about it? It doesn't sound like you have been sleeping the night through anyway.

If she's too thrilled about you moving out, I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't another man, at least someone on her mind, a facebook or text friend, an old boyfriend from high school. I wouldn't rule it out. If it were me, and we owned a joint phone plan, I'd consider it worth it to check out phone records which the phone company will give you either free or for a fee if you can't access them online. I've read your story before, but from someone else, and there was a boyfriend in it.

I could be wrong, but it's a possibility.

If she wants to be a good girl and has a 'friend' in mind, she could try to seek to justify herself by getting you out of the house and dating other women so she can feel free and justified and have an excuse to tell everyone and a story to spin.

This is a recipe for control, manipulation, and abuse.

Not "allowing" someone to set a boundary... refusing to leave... not caring what her feelings are ("if she cries, she cries."). Justifying your control by making the assumption that she is having an affair. Making the assumption that she is trying to manipulate and cause her husband to cheat (if he does, it's her fault somehow because she pushed him to do it? Whereas she is completely to blame if SHE has an affair?).

You know who has these patterns of thought? You know who controls their wives and refuses to respect them? ABUSERS!!!

 

[Sirk]

This is a recipe for control, manipulation, and abuse.

Not "allowing" someone to set a boundary... refusing to leave... not caring what her feelings are ("if she cries, she cries."). Justifying your control by making the assumption that she is having an affair. Making the assumption that she is trying to manipulate and cause her husband to cheat (if he does, it's her fault somehow because she pushed him to do it? Whereas she is completely to blame if SHE has an affair?).

You know who has these patterns of thought? You know who controls their wives and refuses to respect them? ABUSERS!!!

Having been thru a separation and successful reuniting I can say without hesitation to not listen to anything presidente says....unless you want more pain and an eventual divorce.

 

[PaleoGirl]

So do you think it's right to sin? You could hypothetically violate the law by murdering someone in the state of Texas, for example, and call that exercising your 'right' to murder. But if you told that to the judge, he would say you had no right to do so. You could argue that you exercised 'free will' to commit the murder. People who believe in free will would agree with you, while Calvinists would disagree.

Free will and 'rights' aren't the same thing.

I find your line of reasoning a bit ignorant, honestly. If I were to tell my wife 'I forbid you to divorce me' I wouldn't be violating anyone's rights. If the police put me in jail over it, I could go to court of their violating my right of free speech, but that would be an issue of secular law.

Believing that a wife should submit to her husband doesn't mean a man hates women. Women believing that doesn't make them self-loathing. God believing that doesn't mean He hates women.

You are missing the whole point. You have authority to govern yourself and your own actions. If you have children, you can guide them and correct them. Your wife is a separate human being--an adult, not a child. She stands before God equal to you, not beneath you. She answers to God for her own sin. If you refuse to let her make her own decisions in life, you are not being a good husband/leader. You are being a controller. You can try to talk, advise her, etc. But it sounds like the OP's wife has made her decision. Let her be free to make her own mistakes. She has that RIGHT as a human being.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Believing that a wife should submit to her husband doesn't mean a man hates women. Women believing that doesn't make them self-loathing. God believing that doesn't mean He hates women.

The role of the husband as the head does not mean that he exercises parental authority over her. While their roles might be distinct, their value and worth before God are equal because they were both made in His image. Treating the woman as though she's not equal with you in that sense is a direct affront to God and His image. Being heirs to the promise as the above verse was talking about actually affirms this. The fact that you would fail to recognize the equality that exists on that very important level and instead try to point out numerous ways in which there is not technically equality is concerning.

I believe that a wife should submit to her husband as well, but that does not mean that she begrudgingly obeys him as he tells her what to do. Submission means that she freely chooses to follow her husband as he leads the family in a way that is all about the glory of God and the good of his family. The Bible says, "Wives, submit to your husbands," not "Husbands, your wives are to submit to you. Make sure it happens." It is your role to fulfill what has been commanded of you and leave the convicting to God and His Word. I am a firm believer that if a husband will humbly fulfill his role in laying himself down for his wife, she will be compelled to walk in her role as well. Only appealing to the man's authority as the head--while that does exist--is filled with nothing but complete and utter pride. It's about trying to maintain a position of power rather than seeking a position of humility. True biblical manhood is laying down your life, humbly and wisely serving as the head, and leading with love. Your advice seems to be more about the man winning than about actual biblical wisdom.

 

[pianissimo]

So do you think it's right to sin? You could hypothetically violate the law by murdering someone in the state of Texas, for example, and call that exercising your 'right' to murder. But if you told that to the judge, he would say you had no right to do so. You could argue that you exercised 'free will' to commit the murder. People who believe in free will would agree with you, while Calvinists would disagree.

Free will and 'rights' aren't the same thing.



I find your line of reasoning a bit ignorant, honestly. If I were to tell my wife 'I forbid you to divorce me' I wouldn't be violating anyone's rights. If the police put me in jail over it, I could go to court of their violating my right of free speech, but that would be an issue of secular law.



Believing that a wife should submit to her husband doesn't mean a man hates women. Women believing that doesn't make them self-loathing. God believing that doesn't mean He hates women.

Presidente: Good luck with whoever unhappy woman you end up with... No wait, actually I hope she ditches you without looking back.

 

[ChandlerFan]

For the sake of productive discussion, perhaps let's try to make our points rather than slinging mud Especially when making arguments for a certain view based on its merit (aka "I believe this because it's biblical"), it really mars our credibility if we're speaking in a way that is harsh or unloving. Divorce is a pretty heartbreaking thing that shouldn't be wished upon anyone.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Be glad it landed on heads. For every male like yourself that married, there's a divorced male who got tails. You might be surprised to learn that the world doesn't revolve around you. There are others in it and they have very different experiences.

The plight of divorced dads

IDK, I have been married for 25 years and love every moment.

 

[presidente]

Presidente: Good luck with whoever unhappy woman you end up with... No wait, actually I hope she ditches you without looking back.

What you just did is curse me, but a curse undeserved doesn't land. So I'm not worried. I am already happily married with four children, on whom you wished something bad. We've made it past the 15 year mark.

 

[presidente]

Be glad it landed on heads. For every male like yourself that married, there's a divorced male who got tails. You might be surprised to learn that the world doesn't revolve around you. There are others in it and they have very different experiences.

Something else to keep in mind is that men aren't just observers along for the ride. We can't control everything around us or the desires or actions of the women in our lives. But we can exert influence to direct things, and we can do all within our power to do what is right.

Some women leave and the husband does whatever he can do. But some women want to leave and the man says, "Okay" and it's over when it didn't have to be. One can give a woman some space if that's needed, without agreeing to a divorce.