Need help, wife has lost interest

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tgia413

New member
Oct 31, 2018
1
2
3
#1
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with pornography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying every day to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up porn once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,667
9,386
113
#2
A cheater rarely stops cheating. I'd get yourself checked for STD's, to begin with. Have you asked her WHY she views you as just a friend? Or WHY she's "bored and unsatisfied" with your sex life?
 

danja

Senior Member
Nov 28, 2014
2,067
1,887
113
#3
I am sorry to hear this .praying for this situation
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,728
113
Texas
#4
You have fallen victim to some bad advice. I have heard way too many Christian counselors give the same junk advice.
A man's roll is not house maid, or nanny, or good buddy.
It's provider, protector, and priest.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
16,152
7,961
113
#5
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair.
You would be well within your rights to make this a reason for divorce and be done with her. It takes two to make a marriage, and she evidently has no interest. You should move on, and find a spouse with Christian character and commitment. Note well: "Prior to me she had a few sexual partners".
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,654
1,887
113
#6
Statistically it takes many years to recover from a divorce, so even if you have grounds for divorce, it's still best to try and save a marriage if you can.

On the other hand, you can't save a marriage if the other person doesn't care.

I guess I'd start by asking if you are both Christians, and if you've both had a genuine conversion in your lives.
Then I would recommend you get into counseling with your PASTOR, and start getting some BIBLICAL perspective on everything.

You're going to need some good pastoral counseling from someone in your own area, who actually knows you, and can see what's going on. Because whichever way this marriage goes, it's not going to be easy... and you're going to be too upset to make good decisions by yourself.

...
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
36,680
13,835
113
66
Tennessee
#7
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with pornography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying every day to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up porn once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?
My suggestion is to get a divorce lawyer.
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,964
113
#8
Max,
sometimes you truly amaze me;

"I guess I'd start by asking if you are both 'Christians', and if you've both had a genuine 'conversion' in your lives."

but, I guess the 'question' needs to be put out there, for the sake of 'REALITY'/sanity...
 

Stunnedbygrace

Senior Member
Nov 12, 2015
9,112
821
113
#9
You do have grounds for divorce -her adultery.
She also has grounds for divorce - your adultery with the porn.

You committed the adultery first, and you committed it repeatedly, with many women. She can't compete with them. She never could. You sought them out for release without committment. This showed her great cruelty. Every time she saw you bring these women into her home, it was a slap in the face. Trying to atone for it by cleaning and cooking just showed her that not only did you not need her for intimacy, but you didn't need her for running the home either. You left her no place. You completely shut her out.

It sounds like she has given up. If there is any hope she will change her mind, it will be from you admitting that this is what you have done. If she still doesn't change her mind after you admit it, let her go and seek out help for your intimacy problems so this doesn't happen again.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,728
113
Texas
#10
Kids matter in situations like this as well. Avoid divorce if possible if kids are involved.
You may try a zero direct communication separation and rebuild from there. If you have a minister or good Godly elder who is willing to be the mediator. As long as it is for the purpose of rebuilding.
She needs to see you are a strong independent man of Fidelity and fortitude. No more porn period! Go to every man's battle and kick that habbit for good. Become happy and healthy with out her. Develope your own interests like archery or rodeo something that is fullfilling to your life beyond the need for intimacy (something you will continue even if you get back with her). Allow her to see you become a real man but out of arms reach.
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
626
170
43
#11
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with pornography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying every day to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up porn once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?

Hey , divorce can be hell, I hated my parents divorce.
When is the last time you cooked dinner for just the 2 of you?
I mean fancy plates, candles fine china, the works? When is the last time you took her out on a date? just the 2 of you?

Perhaps you need to work on reminding her why you 2 got married in the first place?
when is the last time you wrote her a love letter just to tell her you love her?
Ask her if there is anything in her that wants to save her marrage, there probably is, but it's just burried deep down.

Perhaps your love life might be rekindled by doing role play when getting intimate with each other. If the hair is an issue, try growing it out a little. You should have given up porn a long time ago, your married, theres no need for it, its disrespecful to women, and I doubt your wife wants to compete with it.

Let her know in a respectful way that you are hurt by her having an affair but are willing to forgive her and work on getting past it. Try watching Fireproof and doing the 40 day love dare challenge thing. Watch it with your wife and discuss it.

I think the thing is that you guys lost sight of what originally attracted you to each other.
 

GardenofWeeden

Active member
Jul 27, 2018
176
192
43
The Garden of Weeden
#12
Focus your life on God, and let God focus His time on your life. You'll know what to do when the time is right, if you continually keep yourself immersed in God. Like others suggested, talk to your pastor, regardless of what your wife does. Invite her, but don't let her turning down the invitation become an excuse for you to stop. You need the personal guidance of your personal, God-immersed, Bible-believing pastor to get through this no matter how it plays out.
 

onlyone777

New member
Nov 3, 2018
2
8
3
Kansas
#13
I am currently going through a divorce that began with just about the same situation you are in. You need to start changing for yourself and God. I did everything I could to reach out to my wife, but I failed. I gave her space that she asked for, but that was a mistake. You need to be strong and show her you are a man of God and that He will be on your side. Counseling for her would really help, so you need to encourage her to do so without being forceful. She needs to be around Christian women who believe what the Bible says it true about forgiveness and marriage. Marriage wasn't promised to be easy, so be prepared for troubles. Fight for what you believe in. Give up the porn and get yourself on the right track. If she doesn't want to change, you still have to
 
Sep 13, 2018
2,587
885
113
#14
Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with pornography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying every day to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up porn once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?
You have been addicted to porn since you were 10 and she is the first girl that you have been with at the age of 28??? Wow.. Sounds like she is gone from what you have said.. Let her go...
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,987
320
83
#15
Doesn't sound like your "wife" was ready for marriage or able to commit. You wrote "throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ ". News flash, committing adultery is not showing you the love of Christ.. And her complaint of being bored or unsatisfied is no excuse to cheat. And if she really considered you a good friend, would she cheat with bad boys behind your back? I'd dump her like a bad habit.
 

Jitotg

New member
Oct 30, 2018
23
8
3
#16
You would be well within your rights to make this a reason for divorce and be done with her. It takes two to make a marriage, and she evidently has no interest. You should move on, and find a spouse with Christian character and commitment. Note well: "Prior to me she had a few sexual partners".
This is a hard situation - one that I was in a similar place. I prayed so much to God and kept kept asking him what I should do.. I didn't have the heart to end it and I prayed that God would make the decision for me.. not long after she told me she no longer wanted a marriage with me and promptly left.. I was heart broken for about 12 months but now God has healed my broken heart and blessed me with a beautiful and spiritual sister that truly cares for me emotionally and spiritually . Keep praying to God and he will answer you xx
 

Jitotg

New member
Oct 30, 2018
23
8
3
#17
This is a hard situation - one that I was in a similar place. I prayed so much to God and kept kept asking him what I should do.. I didn't have the heart to end it and I prayed that God would make the decision for me.. not long after she told me she no longer wanted a marriage with me and promptly left.. I was heart broken for about 12 months but now God has healed my broken heart and blessed me with a beautiful and spiritual sister that truly cares for me emotionally and spiritually . Keep praying to God and he will answer you xx
 

Attachments

Sep 13, 2018
2,587
885
113
#18
I believe that this is absolutely true... Jst not with her...
 
Nov 30, 2018
13
19
3
#19
You do have grounds for divorce -her adultery.
She also has grounds for divorce - your adultery with the porn.

You committed the adultery first, and you committed it repeatedly, with many women. She can't compete with them. She never could. You sought them out for release without committment. This showed her great cruelty. Every time she saw you bring these women into her home, it was a slap in the face. Trying to atone for it by cleaning and cooking just showed her that not only did you not need her for intimacy, but you didn't need her for running the home either. You left her no place. You completely shut her out.

It sounds like she has given up. If there is any hope she will change her mind, it will be from you admitting that this is what you have done. If she still doesn't change her mind after you admit it, let her go and seek out help for your intimacy problems so this doesn't happen again.
I completely agree with this. You both committed adultery. Your use of porn was regular adultery. The husband should protect and uphold his marriage. Struggling with porn since you were 10 should have been a tip-off that you were not ready to be a husband until you were ready to leave all other women behind.

This does not dismiss her affair, either. You both took vows and you both broke them. Now you need to pray about whether you can reconcile your marriage after your foundation of trust has been shattered. Marriage should be built on love and trust, not lies, deceit, and betrayal.
 
Nov 30, 2018
13
19
3
#20
I am currently going through a divorce that began with just about the same situation you are in. You need to start changing for yourself and God. I did everything I could to reach out to my wife, but I failed. I gave her space that she asked for, but that was a mistake. You need to be strong and show her you are a man of God and that He will be on your side. Counseling for her would really help, so you need to encourage her to do so without being forceful. She needs to be around Christian women who believe what the Bible says it true about forgiveness and marriage. Marriage wasn't promised to be easy, so be prepared for troubles. Fight for what you believe in. Give up the porn and get yourself on the right track. If she doesn't want to change, you still have to
What the Bible says is true about forgiveness and marriage, and the Bible also does not require a spouse to stay in a marriage when the other spouse commits adultery. One can forgive the sin that was committed against the marriage, but choose not to trust that person again. Once trust is broken and betrayal happens, it is very difficult to earn that trust again. Many spouses mistakenly believe that time will heal the wounds, but it actually takes so much more than that. The spouse who broke the trust needs to develop his/her character, be patient and loving with the other spouse when they struggle to trust, and that person needs to be willing to allow the heartbroken spouse to grieve the loss of something precious: their trust in their partner.

There is so much emphasis on what the spouse must do to forgive instead of what the adulterer must do to earn the trust that he/she squandered back.