Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

garee

Senior Member
Mar 28, 2016
5,551
115
63
#41
I'm a sinner. First let me get that out there. I react out of anger sometimes and I'm critical. That said, I'm working on those things.

Last week my wife said she does not love me like a wife should. She says there is a lid on that jar and it's empty.

That said she does kiss me, want to hold my hand, cuddles me and we have been intimate since then.

I'm afraid of loosing my marriage. We went to counseling together and I am working on me , very hard.

I'm afraid of being to needy with the unsureness has come insecurities I have never felt. She wants me to be transparent a nd I am. I'm worried that is hurting. How do I give her space to heal while showing I am changing and prove I am worth of her forgiveness .
Thanks for sharing that . I also suffer in a similar way.

I see familiarity which can breed contempt and hatred (not blessing by forgiving ) like the lukewarmness which can come from taking a person for granted on both parts . I can only change me with the help of the lord. We both need prayer to become more intimate. Husbands must take the lead. Its a place I suffer.
 

PaddleHard

Junior Member
Nov 2, 2017
15
0
0
#42
Another update.

We had a good weekend together. We spent time laughing and having fun with out two boys. She opened up to me a little on Saturday night with her work and The Love Dare. She said she does not want a quick band aid. She said she feels like I am laying it on too thick to be sincere. I know some of my actions in flowers and notes have been out of desperation but some have come from a place of love and hope of nothing but putting a smile on her face.

She was happy when I got to her on Saturday after spending the day apart. We spent Sunday close to each other but around a bunch of people. She held my hand and it felt so good. Multiple times we shared a kiss and it warmed my heart. Im working daily on giving it to God. I prayed each day asking for help to let go of the wheel and let him drive.

The military guy in me wants to secure things and have an order about things but for this to be right I have to become comfortable with the only certainty being God's Love.

I'm working on letting her come to me but being fully available when she does. Which is not far from how we spent the last 14 years, only difference is how I respond when she does . No criticism, a man in her corner , listening not fixing and above all showing Love.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle daily with control, sin, pride and humility.
 
Sep 6, 2017
1,331
13
0
#43
Another update.

We had a good weekend together. We spent time laughing and having fun with out two boys. She opened up to me a little on Saturday night with her work and The Love Dare. She said she does not want a quick band aid. She said she feels like I am laying it on too thick to be sincere. I know some of my actions in flowers and notes have been out of desperation but some have come from a place of love and hope of nothing but putting a smile on her face.

She was happy when I got to her on Saturday after spending the day apart. We spent Sunday close to each other but around a bunch of people. She held my hand and it felt so good. Multiple times we shared a kiss and it warmed my heart. Im working daily on giving it to God. I prayed each day asking for help to let go of the wheel and let him drive.

The military guy in me wants to secure things and have an order about things but for this to be right I have to become comfortable with the only certainty being God's Love.

I'm working on letting her come to me but being fully available when she does. Which is not far from how we spent the last 14 years, only difference is how I respond when she does . No criticism, a man in her corner , listening not fixing and above all showing Love.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle daily with control, sin, pride and humility.
thats good my friend, I find the statement quite humorous, your wife says you are laying it on to thick with flowers and notes, well I think your desperation has had a impact on her heart, though still alittle cautious to say so, I think she is saying keep it up it is steady working, lol
 
Nov 4, 2017
33
0
0
60
#44
Paddlehard ... I am new here as I just joined the community over the weekend and so I just read your posts the more resent ones and wanted to say that I am praying for you. Stay strong and there is always a light at the end of those dark tunnels and so read over my verse that is in my signature tag and so ... it has helped me thru some hard times ...

Much Love and Blessings ...
 
Nov 3, 2017
31
2
0
#46
I'll pray for you. Be faithful, God will straight your path. God bless you
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,433
287
83
#47
there has to be something in YOU, that is pushing her away from you,,,
ask your Saviour how to find it, and if it is meant to be, then it will become
His Reality for the both of you...
 
May 20, 2017
54
1
8
#48
From someone who has been on the receiving end of criticism for many years, I say that her healing is going to take time. It will take time for her to see and believe that you have really changed after all the years of criticism. You need to be a rock for her but you cannot be that rock unless you are leaning on the Lord to strengthen you and help you change to be what she needs to feel safe and fulfilled. So start there...leaning on God, asking for wisdom and strength to make you into the husband, father, man that she needs and to heal the hurt between you.

I personally think an overly critical attitude stems from pride and self-righteousness. So, with God's help make an effort to humbly and genuinely start to appreciate her in even the smallest ways without seeming disingenuous. Make her feel that she is all that matters to you, her and her alone and if you have been putting other people before her, StOP immediately. It will take time and investment and the worst thing you can do is to start complaining over how much counseling is costing. It is much cheaper than a divorce. Believe me!

Good luck and God bless!
 

bafa

Senior Member
Nov 30, 2014
168
1
0
#49
i think you two needs a vacation. it just a fatigue. and her working hours is quite long to spend more time on you healthyly. but i'm sure she's making a ways for you and life's with you.
Thanks,

I have hurt her (not physically) by my criticism and anger. She is holding onto these things. I have asked about other relationships and she insists that is not the issue. She states she is fully committed with both feet but she is also not willing to say she is confident we can work it out . She says she is emotionally drained and does not know she has the energy to work through the issues.

I recommended to her that during the next couseling session she go into how she felt when I did these things she is holding on to.

I know she does not fully trust me.
I know she is angry with me somewhere in there.

I know she loves me platonically or more. We both have candid conversations and she said she would be hurt if either of us were with other people.
 

bafa

Senior Member
Nov 30, 2014
168
1
0
#50
hi by the way i'm bafa
i think you two needs a vacation. it just a fatigue. and her working hours is quite long to spend more time on you healthyly. but i'm sure she's making a ways for you and life's with you.
 

DiscipleDave

Senior Member
Sep 4, 2012
2,962
43
48
#52
I'm a sinner. First let me get that out there. I react out of anger sometimes and I'm critical. That said, I'm working on those things.

Last week my wife said she does not love me like a wife should. She says there is a lid on that jar and it's empty.

That said she does kiss me, want to hold my hand, cuddles me and we have been intimate since then.

I'm afraid of loosing my marriage. We went to counseling together and I am working on me , very hard.

I'm afraid of being to needy with the unsureness has come insecurities I have never felt. She wants me to be transparent a nd I am. I'm worried that is hurting. How do I give her space to heal while showing I am changing and prove I am worth of her forgiveness .
Go to Church.

Those who draw close to God is when God will be a part of your life.
Those who draw away from God is when God is not in their life.

Go to Church.
Pray together.
Go to a Bible study.
Start a Bible study.
Read the Word of God together.
If your spouse won't, you do.
Go to Church.

^i^

††† In His Holy and Precious Name, Jesus Christ †††

DiscipleDave
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
479
83
Philly, PA, USA
#53
Another update.

We had a good weekend together. We spent time laughing and having fun with out two boys. She opened up to me a little on Saturday night with her work and The Love Dare. She said she does not want a quick band aid. She said she feels like I am laying it on too thick to be sincere. I know some of my actions in flowers and notes have been out of desperation but some have come from a place of love and hope of nothing but putting a smile on her face.

She was happy when I got to her on Saturday after spending the day apart. We spent Sunday close to each other but around a bunch of people. She held my hand and it felt so good. Multiple times we shared a kiss and it warmed my heart. Im working daily on giving it to God. I prayed each day asking for help to let go of the wheel and let him drive.

The military guy in me wants to secure things and have an order about things but for this to be right I have to become comfortable with the only certainty being God's Love.

I'm working on letting her come to me but being fully available when she does. Which is not far from how we spent the last 14 years, only difference is how I respond when she does . No criticism, a man in her corner , listening not fixing and above all showing Love.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle daily with control, sin, pride and humility.
You asked before how to not hover. Sounds like she answered you and you noted the difference. Some things you did out of genuine love. Others out of desperation. Less hovering means do out of love, not desperation.

And, good, you're a military man. When you secured, did you do that by imprisoning those who you were securing? I would imagine the impulse to do that is in it, but you had to let the people go about their lives in their own freedom instead. Same thing at home. Otherwise, it's called "an internment camp."

And, HisPeace is right. Often when confronted with something like this, a spouse changes only for a little while. Your wife is waiting to see if this is just a phase, or if it is a lifelong commitment. This is a 20 mile run, every day, not a race to the chow line.
 

blessedby1

Junior Member
Aug 15, 2017
23
0
0
#54
In my nearly 30 years of marriage, I am still learning and still applying love as is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Someone once said that a good relationship begins with good communication and that begins with good listening. When my wife and I talk, I look at her, but I focus on her eyes (that way she knows and I know) that she has my complete undivided attention. Then you can find out what her needs are- and how you can improve.
Do you know what blesses your wife? If you do not know, you may want to find out and do those things. As husbands we should always be studying our wifes such that we should know what makes them tick. Get a PhD, a doctorate, in the study of your wife- that will be a lifelong ambition.

Hebrews 2:1 So we must listen very carefully to the truth we have heard, or we may drift away from it.
Are you spending time in God’s word, daily? You may want to consider festing daily on God’s. As we have our 3 square meals a day- we should as well spend time daily in God’s Word. Its how we grow our faith- its how we can have joy in the midst of all kinds of trials and circumstances; it’s how we can put into practice God’s unfailing love of 1 Corinthians 13. Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. 13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
We need daily God’s Word, for without it we can easily drift from His unfailing love.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

 

PaddleHard

Junior Member
Nov 2, 2017
15
0
0
#55
After this weekend I think I am starting to see that her lack of emotion may be more widespread than just with me. I am concerned her job has exposed her to so much trauma she is unable to raise and lower the wall. She used to be very emotional and loving.

This is just a theory and not meant to detract from my own issues.
 

Megrose

Junior Member
Nov 17, 2017
3
0
0
#56
My (now ex) husband use to criticize me frequently. NO matter how hard I tried I felt like it was not enough. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him every day. He was volatile, a walking time bomb. It got to the point where , although I was committed to seeing the marriage through, I could not relax around him or trust him. I wanted to.work things out But It was going to take a whole.lot of effort on his part to win my.trust back. He eventually opted to go with another woman who fed his ego with lying flattery but that's beside the point.
Women need to feel secure, like if they needed to fall apart their man would be there to catch them.and support them. If she doesn't feel secure in your love and acceptance she Will do her best to be a good wife but she can not make herself feel secure and what you call.intimacy is just physical because she is protecting her heart. It has to stop being about you and what you might lose. It has to start being about loving your wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. I promise it will take time. I promise it won't be easy because it means putting her needs ahead of yours. I can not promise she will ever trust you again but if your focus becomes loving your wife and being the kind of man she needs then you will become a better man! Good chance she will.come around in time. I would have been thrilled of.my ( now ex)husband had bothered to put forth that effort but he couldn't be bothered.