New here.. Need advice

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R_O_B

Junior Member
Mar 7, 2018
2
0
0
#1
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. I guess you can say we are a normal family. Ok bottom line. Last night my oldest daughter...17... asked me if we could go down the the corner store a couple of minutes away from where we live because she had something to tell me. I said ok. I drove to the store parked and asked her what was up. She started crying... Telling me at the same time it was hard for her to tell me..I told her its ok just tell me. By that y heart was pounding so fast and fear came to me. So at a few minutes she gets the courage I guess and tells me. I want to tell you that I like both guys and girls....

As soon as I hear that I am in utter shock I stayed silent for I don't know how long at the same time I'm listening to her cry tellimg me I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't know what to say I just didn't . I was trying to make sense Asking myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?

She's sniffling and asking me, Are you mad at me?

I'm still silent and after a few I tell her I'm not mad at you I love you. But you know this is not from God. She tells me I know. She said she told my your daughter...16.. And that she had gotten very upset and kept telling her how sad that was. And that she told her you better tell Mom or I'm going to tell her. I think thats the reason my oldest confessed to me and I think she told me first and doesn't want to tell her mom is because my wife's approach is more dramatic. I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,013
68
48
#2
R.O.B.

I also wanted to let you know that you did nothing wrong and you have not failed. We don't know why God let's things happen...we do know that He uses all things for His good.
I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me that God will use this situation in the end as an example of His life changing power as your daughter will be able to testify to that power. It isnt about you...it is ultimately about her purpose in Christ Jesus one day. I am feeling that she will help others whom He will place in her path. Please as a family, love her. Thats important. With rejection she may choose to turn away from God instead of running to Him...and as this often happens, it can take a long while for someone to come back to Gods table.
God bless your family.
 

MissCris

Senior Member
Aug 24, 2011
6,600
255
83
#3
Ouch, that’s a tough one. I feel for you on this- I can’t even imagine how I would handle my own daughter saying that to me.

You can’t blame yourself, though. Kids are going to do what they’re going to do, and if you raised her to follow Christ and obey God, then you’ve done what you were supposed to do.

It’s also possible that she doesn’t really mean what she said. Clearly she Thinks she does, right now- but she’s 17. How many choices or ideas did you come up with at that age that seemed true or right at the time, but looking back even just a year or two later, you realized were wrong? I know I certainly experienced that as I got older.

Also, keep in mind the current social climate- gay marriage is still fairly recently legalized, transgender is becoming more “normal”, and teenagers deal with all kinds of sexual confusion and peer pressure at school on top of all the other stuff. So it’s possible that she is just following what may be a trend (claiming to be bisexual was “cool” at my school for a while), or that she’s trying to find some form of self expression, or there may be things she’s struggling with that have nothing to do with sexuality but are causing stress and poor decisions.

I think it’s a good idea to talk more with her about it. See if you can figure out if there’s something else going on before taking her announcement too much to heart. If that fails, give it time. If it’s just a phase, it will pass. Whether it’s real or not, gentle but firm guidance and love are needed through this. You may also want to set her up to talk with a Christian counselor, because she definitely seems to be in over her head with this.
 

Lucy68

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
20
0
#4
So sorry to hear about your situation! I remember having a fear of this when my own children were growing up.

Children are so confused about their sexual identity these days due to all the ridiculous messages they get from tv and other media and especially from public school. Not only is homosexuality acceptable now (even though it plainly goes against God's Word) it is CELEBRATED. It's not just 'tolerance', it's now seen as admirable and sophisticated.

Hormones do very strange things to teenagers so this may just be a confusing time for her. You definitely did right in assuring her of your unconditional love for her. Has she been raised with biblical teachings? We'll have many temptations in life, but we don't have to act on them.

I'm pretty sure Focus on the Family has resources about how to deal with homosexuality issues in a family if you're looking for additional help.

Praying for you and your family...that this will be a time of growth and closeness for all of you.
 

Lucy-Pevensie

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2017
2,283
113
63
#5
It may not be as bad as it seems. You said your daughter knows Jesus right? And she seems to understand this is wrong. It seems to me that half the battle may already be won. At least she isn't taking the "I was born this way and it's just natural" position. That would be outright rebellion. It just may be something she has a struggle with. It may be a long road for you both but (although I don't know you personally) I don't think it's likely that it's your fault. I think keeping communication open within your family is important now. Between all of you, don't bury it, talk about it so you can support your daughter.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#6
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. I guess you can say we are a normal family. Ok bottom line. Last night my oldest daughter...17... asked me if we could go down the the corner store a couple of minutes away from where we live because she had something to tell me. I said ok. I drove to the store parked and asked her what was up. She started crying... Telling me at the same time it was hard for her to tell me..I told her its ok just tell me. By that y heart was pounding so fast and fear came to me. So at a few minutes she gets the courage I guess and tells me. I want to tell you that I like both guys and girls....

As soon as I hear that I am in utter shock I stayed silent for I don't know how long at the same time I'm listening to her cry tellimg me I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't know what to say I just didn't . I was trying to make sense Asking myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?

She's sniffling and asking me, Are you mad at me?

I'm still silent and after a few I tell her I'm not mad at you I love you. But you know this is not from God. She tells me I know. She said she told my your daughter...16.. And that she had gotten very upset and kept telling her how sad that was. And that she told her you better tell Mom or I'm going to tell her. I think thats the reason my oldest confessed to me and I think she told me first and doesn't want to tell her mom is because my wife's approach is more dramatic. I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
First, I'm really impressed how well you handled it. I bet physical numbness was involved when you listened. And yet, you didn't flip out. Truly impressed.

What to do about it? Pray! Pray long and hard until you know what God wants you to do about it. (Bible studying will probably be involved in that.)

And finally, there is reason your daughter thinks that. She has been prepped by the world since she was little for this very thing. AND, even among Christians it is being taught as "perfectly normal." That's not a lie. It is perfectly normal, because without the Lord sin is always perfectly normal. Imagine being indoctrinated into something for 17 years. In the 17th year, aren't you going to be considering some of it, if not all of it, as the truth? Now, there is a difference between you and her. You're 42, so you remember when that "truth" wasn't assumed by everyone -- even most people -- as the truth. She doesn't have those memories of what it was like before.

But the good news is she isn't stuck in it yet. She's not all the way to only being attracted to girls, so she's not stuck in it yet. But one thing for sure, if she ever goes down that path, the only thing she'll find are girls stuck thinking they only like girls, therefore, more indoctrination into lesbianism. (And she won't tell guys at all because they'll either "support" her in ways she won't want to be supported, or they will walk away, so she will only hear from one side of this.)

Advice: Don't take any advice you're going to get here as a "what I should do." Because this is very much like a Dear Abby column. People tell what their problem is and most folks give advice and go on with their lives thinking, "I gave what I could." Meanwhile, you're stuck living with it for the rest of your life. Instead, pray. Pray hard and long until you hear from God what you should do. (And by "long," I don't mean months or years, I mean intensely for days or a week. Pray as often as you can, and make as much time as you can make to pray during that time. That's what the apostles taught us to do.)

This forum is more for encouragement, than advice. So when the Lord tells you what to do, and everything seems to be getting worse, (which it will, whenever we follow the Lord, versus trying to keep the waters calm), this place better serves as a place to be reminded that God is with you and everything is going according to his plan. (BTW, not to be confused with we do that well either. lol)

So all in all, pray! Pray before anything -- talking to your wife, talking to your daughter, talking to your family about this problem. Because you're really going to need God's words flowing through your mouth when you do talk. Almost guaranteed your words as a person and a father will end up something like, "I love you dearly, but ARE YOU NUTS?" (Aw, come on. A little levity, but weren't you thinking that while you were listening to her?)
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,474
309
83
#7
if you are a Christian, take the only stand that is available to you, and that would be
Jesus' stand and His standards, forever -
no holds barred, no hurt feelings barred; our lives are to be ALL about serving Him and what
He requires of us in any given situation, family or not: in ALL situations in this fallen-world,
He must come 'first and foremost' and this will involve us to always Stand-Up for Him...
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,499
406
83
#8
I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
ROB,
Hello and Welcome!

I will just make some observations and pose some questions here and you can see if they will be helpful. No need to respond to any of this publicly but it is food for thought.

1. The constant pressure of the vocal LGTB faction and their propaganda is evident in this situation. Young people are being deliberately corrupted and the only antidote is solid Bible preaching and teaching.

2. You say that your daughters have "accepted Christ", but did they hear the full Gospel and understand that obedience to the Gospel means (1)repentance toward God -- turning away from all unbelief, sins, evils, and idols, and (2) turning to the living God and Christ in complete submission?

3. Were your daughters baptized as believers, and discipled by mature Christians in order to understand who they are in Christ and what He expects of them? That should have made all the difference, but if it was missing, they are not grounded in Christ. Therefore this should be the highest priority if it never happened. Those who are baptized as believers are telling everyone that they have renounced the world, the flesh, and the devil, and will "walk in newness of life" (walk in the Spirit).

4. Are all of you members of a Gospel preaching church which teaches all Bible truth, and do you attend regularly and also contribute to the life of the church? When Christians are focused on the needs of others, they rarely have time to delve into sin.

5. If your wife is a mature Christian you need to firstly sit down with her (privately, outside the home) and tell her what you were told. At the same time you both have to stay calm and then meet with just the one daughter who is confused (or under demonic attack) and share with her the relevant Scriptures about sexuality. If you both feel incompetent in this area, then you and your wife should sit down with one of your pastors or elders and ask them to assist in strict confidence. Your daughter needs to know clearly that homosexuality is a sin, and that if she has the indwelling Holy Spirit she can overcome this unnatural desire with God's help.

6. It is critical that your daughter should be totally discouraged from attending college in another city. She is too vulnerable at this point, and unless she has determined to avoid homosexuality and shown the necessary Christian maturity, she is simply asking for trouble. If she is unwilling to accept this restraint, then you have to wonder if she is genuinely saved or not. Christians can and do fall into sin, but if they choose a sinful lifestyle, chances are they were not even saved. A mental assent is not the same thing as genuine faith and surrender to God.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
4,856
391
83
#9
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. ... Advice? Help.
Hello and Welcome!

This is a serious concern, and yet I see reason to rejoice in the midst of it, because your daughter trusted you enough to tell you. That is rare!

Others have offered sound advice. I won't add to it except to affirm Christian counseling for your daughter. Jesus can handle this. :)
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,900
699
113
#10
I just read an article that both bisexuality and transgenderism are now taking over young people. It's like eating Tide pods, everyone else is doing it, so why not me?

The schools and societies push these views. The LBGT crowd says it just wants tolerance, but in fact, they want more than acceptance, they want more children to adopt these perverted ideologies.

You have no idea what they teach in schools anymore. It can come in biology class, or literature. History, geography or in the lunch room. It can come in civics class.

We won't even get into youtube videos extolling these things, books, or the other students. I think bisexuality has to be one of the worst perversions. Because, inherent in the proposition, is that you will never be satisfied unless you are having sex with both genders. In other words, monogamy is not even possible.

I would do a lot of research, and have some talks with her. Make sure that she understands that you are not rejecting her, but this "social construct" which is so false it is appalling. The other thing that comes to mind, is how does she know she likes both sexes? Is she having sex with people in both sexes? And being attracted to something that is wrong, does not mean having to act on it. Many people fight things in their lives that are wrong, from alcoholism to heterosexual adultery. Just because she has the desire, doesn't mean she has to act on it. If she thinks she MUST act on it, then that comes from learning it from others. Someone raised as a Christian needs to know there is a difference between right and wrong.

Morality these days is truly perverted. I am sorry you are being faced with this. I hope you can bring your daughter back from the dark side without completely alienating her.
 

AuntieAnt

Senior Member
Feb 23, 2016
3,908
333
83
#11
The Holy Spirit has been impressing upon my heart for a while now that my limited understanding of God's almighty power often hinders my belief in Him. Nevertheless, God doesn't change. God does the impossbile all the time. He is not limited at all. :eek:

I pray you trust and follow whatever it is God puts on your heart. He goes before us to make a way where there is no way.
 
Aug 8, 2017
315
4
0
#12
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. I guess you can say we are a normal family. Ok bottom line. Last night my oldest daughter...17... asked me if we could go down the the corner store a couple of minutes away from where we live because she had something to tell me. I said ok. I drove to the store parked and asked her what was up. She started crying... Telling me at the same time it was hard for her to tell me..I told her its ok just tell me. By that y heart was pounding so fast and fear came to me. So at a few minutes she gets the courage I guess and tells me. I want to tell you that I like both guys and girls....

As soon as I hear that I am in utter shock I stayed silent for I don't know how long at the same time I'm listening to her cry tellimg me I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't know what to say I just didn't . I was trying to make sense Asking myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?

She's sniffling and asking me, Are you mad at me?

I'm still silent and after a few I tell her I'm not mad at you I love you. But you know this is not from God. She tells me I know. She said she told my your daughter...16.. And that she had gotten very upset and kept telling her how sad that was. And that she told her you better tell Mom or I'm going to tell her. I think thats the reason my oldest confessed to me and I think she told me first and doesn't want to tell her mom is because my wife's approach is more dramatic. I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
welcome R_O_B

Just imagine your little girl sitting in that car with you told you something else, something like she had been raped or she has a deadly disease or she is addicted to heroin...
Thank God that is not what you were told. instead your daughter came to you personally (something we hope our kids do when they are going through something) and expressed the things that have been going through her mind. Shes confused and shes questioning things in her life and shes reaching out to her father.
I would have said something like right now she is still young and even though she may think she mature she still has alot of living to do and right now she shouldnt be focusing on a life partner whether it be a boy or a girl she needs set the foundation for her life by getting a good education and later on when shes ready to settle down im sure she will feel diffrent. or something like that.
 

DinoDillinger

Senior Member
Jul 28, 2009
829
8
0
#13
My advice is to pray that as she goes off to school that God brings the right people into her life that will point her toward's God. Everything she will be taught at college is that any denial of her same sex attraction is evil. Her having a solid understanding of humanity's sin nature would also be a good thing to help her with.