Painful marriage

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Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#1
need an advice..
We are 2 years married my husband is always speak harsh words towards me.. for 2 years. I prayed for him to change and Im always praying to God to be the woman he needs me to be and desires me to be I'm doing my best to be a good wife even if he is always fighting with me.. even he knows that I have anxiety disorder. He made me stress as always. The saddest part of this is..I always caught him looking at other sexy women's images on Facebook I saw it on search histort.. it hurts me knowing that he get arouse on the images on Facebook whom I know personally.. I feel devastated..everytime I look in the mirror I do hate myself..even I make myself pretty .. put make ups.. I know he sees me as ugly woman.. I can't blame him because after childbirth my body really change a lot I have 3 month old baby and because of sleepless nights makes me Haggard and ugly I can't even fix my hair or go to salon because of breastfeeding..it's not good for the baby..
I didn't tell him that I know what he's doing I'm pretending that I didn't know but he notice that I've changed.. I didn't hug him don't want to kiss him because I'm hurting inside. Ubtil one day he told me to wash his clothes I told him that I can't because my teeth is aching too much and I have a postpartum bleeding. I feel week I need rest.. plus I'm taking care of our baby... Suddenly..he gets mad at me and he told me that our marriage is over. He said I've change a lot.. I replied to him that he needs to understand that I'm not fully recovered form childbirth and the reason why I've changed is because I saw those womens images on ur search history on Facebook. I told him that I knew it but I didnt tell him because I have no courage.. but he denies it and put the blame on me.. that I'm destroying him every man is guilty about looking at women's sexy images. I'm trying to be calm and talk to him to fix our relationship even he is the one at fault.. still hes blaming me and hurt me by his words. I don't know if I will let him go or fight for our marriage.. please help.

Thank you
 

KC7NOA

New member
Jun 10, 2018
3
1
3
#2
Fight .....

But also Give it all to the lord ....

Keep the relationship .... when he hurts you , tell him. Not boldly but meekly ....

Sorry I'm not much more help. I'm going through a divorce and I realize now my attitude towards my wife hurt her for years ....

She hurt me and I hurt her in our own ways and I wish my wife could see that our marriage could be wonderful but she turned her back and that's what it is. This is the most painful experience I've ever been through and all I can say is don't tuck it away but don't be a punching bag either ....
 

Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#3
Fight .....

But also Give it all to the lord ....

Keep the relationship .... when he hurts you , tell him. Not boldly but meekly ....

Sorry I'm not much more help. I'm going through a divorce and I realize now my attitude towards my wife hurt her for years ....

She hurt me and I hurt her in our own ways and I wish my wife could see that our marriage could be wonderful but she turned her back and that's what it is. This is the most painful experience I've ever been through and all I can say is don't tuck it away but don't be a punching bag either ....
I already told him that he hurts me so bad but he keeps on blaming me that tmim the one at fault. Even how calm or meek I am while talking to him he's using harsh words.. he is always like that eeven in simple things he is always offended.. I'm tired of being the one who always say sorry even if I am not the one at fault.. I'm tired I pray to God about him for years. Anyway I'm sorry to hear that about ur marriage life...
 

FENNER2

Junior Member
Apr 21, 2018
47
50
18
#4
What he's doing is abuse. He's emotionally manipulating and abusing you. You need to get away from him before he completely destroys you.

Pray for him but he won't change unless he wants to. And from experience that won't happen until he hits rock bottom.

He's probably treated women like garbage his whole life and learned it from someone else. If you have somewhere to go, go. This is the example your child will see and maybe emulate. Get away from this makes, see a counselor, heal and get on with your life, you deserve better.
 

LittleMermaid

Senior Member
Dec 25, 2017
492
403
63
#5
I already told him that he hurts me so bad but he keeps on blaming me that tmim the one at fault. Even how calm or meek I am while talking to him he's using harsh words.. he is always like that eeven in simple things he is always offended.. I'm tired of being the one who always say sorry even if I am not the one at fault.. I'm tired I pray to God about him for years. Anyway I'm sorry to hear that about ur marriage life...
Hey sweetie! I'm sorry if I can't be of much help as I have never been married myself. But I was in an emotionally abusive relationship about a year ago. It was mostly an online relationship...but he did verbally abuse me by making me apologize for things I was not at fault for. I felt like I was going nuts! This is called gaslighting. I think that is what your husband is doing to you. He is emotionally abusive. I'm so sorry...but in this case, I would try to work on the marriage and if he doesn't change you might have to leave. It's not healthy for you or your baby to live with an emotionally abusive man. Usually emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. But I urge you to try and heal the marriage. God hates divorce, but I don't think he would want you to be with an abusive husband.

Check out this site. It could help you to figure out if he is really abusive or not. It has many resources and you can chat online with someone about it!

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/

Again, I'm sorry you are going through that. :( It pains me to hear about my sisters being in this pain. God bless you and I'll be praying for you.
 

MissCris

Senior Member
Aug 24, 2011
6,601
261
83
#6
need an advice..
We are 2 years married my husband is always speak harsh words towards me.. for 2 years. I prayed for him to change and Im always praying to God to be the woman he needs me to be and desires me to be I'm doing my best to be a good wife even if he is always fighting with me.. even he knows that I have anxiety disorder. He made me stress as always. The saddest part of this is..I always caught him looking at other sexy women's images on Facebook I saw it on search histort.. it hurts me knowing that he get arouse on the images on Facebook whom I know personally.. I feel devastated..everytime I look in the mirror I do hate myself..even I make myself pretty .. put make ups.. I know he sees me as ugly woman.. I can't blame him because after childbirth my body really change a lot I have 3 month old baby and because of sleepless nights makes me Haggard and ugly I can't even fix my hair or go to salon because of breastfeeding..it's not good for the baby..
I didn't tell him that I know what he's doing I'm pretending that I didn't know but he notice that I've changed.. I didn't hug him don't want to kiss him because I'm hurting inside. Ubtil one day he told me to wash his clothes I told him that I can't because my teeth is aching too much and I have a postpartum bleeding. I feel week I need rest.. plus I'm taking care of our baby... Suddenly..he gets mad at me and he told me that our marriage is over. He said I've change a lot.. I replied to him that he needs to understand that I'm not fully recovered form childbirth and the reason why I've changed is because I saw those womens images on ur search history on Facebook. I told him that I knew it but I didnt tell him because I have no courage.. but he denies it and put the blame on me.. that I'm destroying him every man is guilty about looking at women's sexy images. I'm trying to be calm and talk to him to fix our relationship even he is the one at fault.. still hes blaming me and hurt me by his words. I don't know if I will let him go or fight for our marriage.. please help.

Thank you
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard :cry: This kind of thing is bad enough under normal circumstances, but then throw in a lack of sleep and possible postpartum depression...My heart is breaking for you.

Because I've been where you're at.

Emotional abuse is a horrible thing that kind of sneaks up on you- you may not realize that's what's happening for years, until maybe someone mentions it, and suddenly you think back over the whole relationship and understand that it's always been that way.

Brief history of my marriage: We were married young. There were a ton of red flags that I ignored, warning signs that maybe things weren't as they should be. My husband would often mention he wished I would dress a certain way, or he'd insult me and call it a joke, or when I did get courage to tell him he'd hurt me he'd turn it around and make everything my fault.

This went on for over five years. We had babies. I lost family members. I found myself in a pretty deep depression and my husband wasn't helping- he left me with all the housework, the care of two small children, all the every day errands to run (without providing a safe vehicle for us to travel the 30 miles each way), and he was...just mean. Verbally. He found fault with whatever I did, laughed at my ideas, complained that I wasn't managing the house well.

Eventually someone explained to me that what was going on was emotional and verbal abuse. It took a while for me to really accept that- I didn't want to believe I'd been stupid enough to stick around just to be someone's verbal punching bag. I eventually packed up the kids and we moved out.

Here's the thing, though...

During the time that I was gone, God was there. He was with me, and He was with my husband. The nearly six months that I lived somewhere else was an eye-opener for us both, and we were both praying and coming to understand neither of us had been living as the Christians we had always claimed to be.

We ended up talking about everything- I had to find the courage to confront him with his abusive behavior and he had to find the humility to truly hear what I said. I felt that God wanted me to move back home, and so I took a leap of faith that things would get better and obeyed.

That was about four years ago. Over this time, I've seen an incredible change in both my husband and myself. We both have made an effort to read the Bible, pray, be part of a church, and be better to each other. I've noticed lately that both of us have neglected our relationships with Christ and that our marriage has suffered because of that- and it's scary for me, what if I wake up one morning and think, "I've got to get out of here"? But I know that my first course of action has to be to lean on God, to trust in Him, and to be honest with my husband about what I'm feeling.

That was longer than I intended, sorry- my point is, God can change people. He can soften hearts and heal marriages. He can bring a marriage back from the brink of divorce. I've experienced it.

I'm not claiming that if you just trust in Jesus enough, everything in your marriage will "magically" get better- what I am saying is that there are things that can be done, things to try, before deciding to end (or deciding to continue!) your marriage. And it starts with God.

What I'm suggesting you do very first, though, is to take care of yourself- go get your hair done (just a cut and style if you're worried about the baby), start taking vitamins every day, get out of the house for a little while when you can. Spend time with God. Ask a friend or family member to watch the baby for a short time so you can rest. You won't believe that you deserve better unless you feel better.

As for your husband and his behavior- keep praying for him. Pray for God to open his eyes to how he's acting. Keep being honest with your husband about how he's hurting you. And if you feel that it's necessary, leave. Give yourselves both some time apart and spend it growing closer to God. Your husband may or may not ever change- that's between him and God. But getting out of that environment can give you a healthier perspective and help you decide if you can stay in the marriage or not.

I wish there were easy answers to this and I wish I could offer more, a sure-fire way to solve the problem. I'm sorry that I can't, just know that you and your husband will be in my prayers.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,566
2,049
113
63
Florida
#7
No woman has to live with an abusive husband. Also, it is highly inappropriate for him as a married man to be checking out other women on FB or other sites. In addition to praying for you to be the best wife that you can be pray also that your husband be the best that he can be also because right now, he is seriously lacking,, especially on the spiritual aspects. A husband should always consider his wife to be beautiful and certainly not ugly. Apparently, he is grossly insensitive to your wants and needs as a wife. I will pray that God provides clarity of thought on how to proceed. On the plus side, you have only wasted 2 years in this marital investment. For your peace of mind and contentment positive change must occur or you will most likely be facing years of mental anguish and torment. There are others here is similar situations so please know that you are not alone in this.
 

toinena

Senior Member
Mar 10, 2017
2,321
638
113
#8
I can identify with your situation as I have lived under similar circumstances.

You have to forgive him. And you should be allowed to be yourself, not try to be better than you are. And you shouldn't accept verbal abuse.

I would advice you to seek counseling asap. For the child's sake. You have to be honest about your feelings and you have to have a clear head on what you want to change and what you need to change. If you go to counseling without those thoughts, it would be impossible for him to adjust his behavior.

Pray. Seek God. And acknowledge you need expertise from outside the marriage to get this on the right track.

I am praying for you. And no. You should never accept him lusting after women online. You are his wife. He chose to marry you. For better an for worse. Then he needs to act accordingly
 

Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#9
What he's doing is abuse. He's emotionally manipulating and abusing you. You need to get away from him before he completely destroys you.

Pray for him but he won't change unless he wants to. And from experience that won't happen until he hits rock bottom.

He's probably treated women like garbage his whole life and learned it from someone else. If you have somewhere to go, go. This is the example your child will see and maybe emulate. Get away from this makes, see a counselor, heal and get on with your life, you deserve better.

Thank you for the advice.. I'm always praying for him... Hopefully our marriage will be worth fighting for..
 

Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#10
Hey sweetie! I'm sorry if I can't be of much help as I have never been married myself. But I was in an emotionally abusive relationship about a year ago. It was mostly an online relationship...but he did verbally abuse me by making me apologize for things I was not at fault for. I felt like I was going nuts! This is called gaslighting. I think that is what your husband is doing to you. He is emotionally abusive. I'm so sorry...but in this case, I would try to work on the marriage and if he doesn't change you might have to leave. It's not healthy for you or your baby to live with an emotionally abusive man. Usually emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. But I urge you to try and heal the marriage. God hates divorce, but I don't think he would want you to be with an abusive husband.

Check out this site. It could help you to figure out if he is really abusive or not. It has many resources and you can chat online with someone about i
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/

Again, I'm sorry you are going through that. :( It pains me to hear about my sisters being in this pain. God bless you and I'll be praying for you.
Thank you.. I already check that site.. thanks.. thanks for the prayer.. I'll be okay.. if the love can fade.. and so can pain.. :)
 

Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#11
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard :cry: This kind of thing is bad enough under normal circumstances, but then throw in a lack of sleep and possible postpartum depression...My heart is breaking for you.

Because I've been where you're at.

Emotional abuse is a horrible thing that kind of sneaks up on you- you may not realize that's what's happening for years, until maybe someone mentions it, and suddenly you think back over the whole relationship and understand that it's always been that way.

Brief history of my marriage: We were married young. There were a ton of red flags that I ignored, warning signs that maybe things weren't as they should be. My husband would often mention he wished I would dress a certain way, or he'd insult me and call it a joke, or when I did get courage to tell him he'd hurt me he'd turn it around and make everything my fault.

This went on for over five years. We had babies. I lost family members. I found myself in a pretty deep depression and my husband wasn't helping- he left me with all the housework, the care of two small children, all the every day errands to run (without providing a safe vehicle for us to travel the 30 miles each way), and he was...just mean. Verbally. He found fault with whatever I did, laughed at my ideas, complained that I wasn't managing the house well.

Eventually someone explained to me that what was going on was emotional and verbal abuse. It took a while for me to really accept that- I didn't want to believe I'd been stupid enough to stick around just to be someone's verbal punching bag. I eventually packed up the kids and we moved out.

Here's the thing, though...

During the time that I was gone, God was there. He was with me, and He was with my husband. The nearly six months that I lived somewhere else was an eye-opener for us both, and we were both praying and coming to understand neither of us had been living as the Christians we had always claimed to be.

We ended up talking about everything- I had to find the courage to confront him with his abusive behavior and he had to find the humility to truly hear what I said. I felt that God wanted me to move back home, and so I took a leap of faith that things would get better and obeyed.

That was about four years ago. Over this time, I've seen an incredible change in both my husband and myself. We both have made an effort to read the Bible, pray, be part of a church, and be better to each other. I've noticed lately that both of us have neglected our relationships with Christ and that our marriage has suffered because of that- and it's scary for me, what if I wake up one morning and think, "I've got to get out of here"? But I know that my first course of action has to be to lean on God, to trust in Him, and to be honest with my husband about what I'm feeling.

That was longer than I intended, sorry- my point is, God can change people. He can soften hearts and heal marriages. He can bring a marriage back from the brink of divorce. I've experienced it.

I'm not claiming that if you just trust in Jesus enough, everything in your marriage will "magically" get better- what I am saying is that there are things that can be done, things to try, before deciding to end (or deciding to continue!) your marriage. And it starts with God.

What I'm suggesting you do very first, though, is to take care of yourself- go get your hair done (just a cut and style if you're worried about the baby), start taking vitamins every day, get out of the house for a little while when you can. Spend time with God. Ask a friend or family member to watch the baby for a short time so you can rest. You won't believe that you deserve better unless you feel better.

As for your husband and his behavior- keep praying for him. Pray for God to open his eyes to how he's acting. Keep being honest with your husband about how he's hurting you. And if you feel that it's necessary, leave. Give yourselves both some time apart and spend it growing closer to God. Your husband may or may not ever change- that's between him and God. But getting out of that environment can give you a healthier perspective and help you decide if you can stay in the marriage or not.

I wish there were easy answers to this and I wish I could offer more, a sure-fire way to solve the problem. I'm sorry that I can't, just know that you and your husband will be in my prayers.

Thank you for your message .. it help me a lot.. all I'm doing right now is to pray.. talk to God especially now that I am afraid because of my postpartum bleeding.. I do hope that he is here so I can have someone to lean on.. whenever I have panic attacks because of these bleeding.. but I talk to God last night I told Him that if you trust in man they will put you down.. but if I trust on You Lord I know You will not let me down. And you will pick me up.. I cried and kneel down to God to help me and heal me spritually.. emotionally and physically.. because I want to get up . I am on the lowest part of my life.. I love my husband so much that is why Everytime we have fight I'm the one who humble down because when he gets mad he threthen me and he never go back home. Right now he is texting me but when I reply he always fight with me in our conversation so I decided not to reply with his messages.. i just need a major decision if I will humble down again just to save the marriage and then he will do it again to me over and over again or let him go.. and don't talk to him.. but I'm worried about him if he is okay he can't go back to his parents in third house because his parents are mad at him his parents don't like me.. the time that I live in their house his mother and 4sisters hurt me physically so we decided to move here in my parents house. (Because we're not yet done paying for our house and he told me last week that he will never pay the house anymore) that is why I am worried if he is okay.. I don't want him to destroy his life but if I will humble down he will hurt me again and again with his words and actions.. this is a hard decision.. not sure which way to go.. but I will let God handle it.

I'm so happy for you and your husband hopefully my husband will realize that he hurts me too and accept his fault confess and then change for the better.. thank you again for ur message it made me cry a lot.. Godbless
 

Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#12
No woman has to live with an abusive husband. Also, it is highly inappropriate for him as a married man to be checking out other women on FB or other sites. In addition to praying for you to be the best wife that you can be pray also that your husband be the best that he can be also because right now, he is seriously lacking,, especially on the spiritual aspects. A husband should always consider his wife to be beautiful and certainly not ugly. Apparently, he is grossly insensitive to your wants and needs as a wife. I will pray that God provides clarity of thought on how to proceed. On the plus side, you have only wasted 2 years in this marital investment. For your peace of mind and contentment positive change must occur or you will most likely be facing years of mental anguish and torment. There are others here is similar situations so please know that you are not alone in this.

Thank you and yes I'm not alone and I feel sorry that many women have suffered for these.. I have a stressful life within 3 years since I marry him.. but I pray to God and ask Him for wisdom.. if I will let him go or fight for our marriage.. and if our marriage is still worth fighting for I wish God will change us for better.. to have a Christmas centered family..
 

Joana04

Junior Member
May 23, 2018
20
4
3
#13
I can identify with your situation as I have lived under similar circumstances.

You have to forgive him. And you should be allowed to be yourself, not try to be better than you are. And you shouldn't accept verbal abuse.

I would advice you to seek counseling asap. For the child's sake. You have to be honest about your feelings and you have to have a clear head on what you want to change and what you need to change. If you go to counseling without those thoughts, it would be impossible for him to adjust his behavior.

Pray. Seek God. And acknowledge you need expertise from outside the marriage to get this on the right track.

I am praying for you. And no. You should never accept him lusting after women online. You are his wife. He chose to marry you. For better an for worse. Then he needs to act accordingly

Thank you for your message.. and thank you for the prayers.. I'm praying for that to have someone who can help me emotionally.. I need an emotional healing.. you are right I need counseling..
 

toinena

Senior Member
Mar 10, 2017
2,321
638
113
#14
Thank you for your message.. and thank you for the prayers.. I'm praying for that to have someone who can help me emotionally.. I need an emotional healing.. you are right I need counseling..
If you feel like talking, feel free to PM me. As I have said, I have been through this, and am finally able to live a normal and stable life. I hope I can help if you need to talk.