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T
You're newlyweds. Your first priority should be your husband and your second your children. Don't stop loving his mum but I don't think it would be wise to let her live in your house. As newlyweds you're still getting to know each other, that's a very important part of the relationship and it needs to be given time to flourish and bear fruit.
What State do you live in? Most States have help for drinkers. The truth of the matter is, “You can’t help a drunk.” If somebody will house, and feed them, they have no reason to quit. AA people will tell you, “The best help you can give, is none.”
I learned this many years ago…look at her like she is standing in the center of a big pool of mud. If you go in to help her. You will get just as dirty as she. Stand out of the mud, and tell her, if she comes out, you will be right there to help clean her up.
Jesus gives help to only those who want his help.
I learned this many years ago…look at her like she is standing in the center of a big pool of mud. If you go in to help her. You will get just as dirty as she. Stand out of the mud, and tell her, if she comes out, you will be right there to help clean her up.
Jesus gives help to only those who want his help.
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T
I deeply appreciate ALL of you taking out that time for me. I also appreciate how blunt most of you were. The more I pray, the more I hear don't do it. But its not my decision alone. This is where the conflict arises. I don't want my Husband to have to choose. It breaks my heart that he is caught in the middle. But there's no good that will come of this. We've tried multiple times to Love her to God. She won't budge. So what's left to do? I can't allow her to destroy us and there's already been signs that she would by comparing what he does for me to what he does for her. <Sigh> Please keep us and especially her in your prayers. I thank you all so much. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate you all....
She needs to find a place of her own. She needs to learn her lesson. Do not for any reason let her stay in your house. The evil spirits she has will be brought right into your home. Your children would be under evil influence. Not to mention all the trouble she would cause for being irresponsible. It's important that your husband understands these things. If he would not let a drunk in his house, then he should not allow his drunken mother to live there.
P
wouldn't it be great if we could just love people to God? 
I am sorry for this dilemma. If I had thought my MIL was going to come live with me when I was first married, I would have panicked! (we did become friends, after many years....or was that détente? lol)
Now that I'm getting older I promise I'll starve in a ditch before living with any of our children.
The more things change, the more they stay the same?
I just wanted to mention that I do feel a bit of sympathy for your husband (as I see you do, too). Pressure from others, and internal, too, I'm sure, must make it hard for him to see this for what it is. And hard to put you first, as he ought to.
Not sayin' it's right...just, ya know.
But I don't think he's looking ahead to the 'crazy' wife who's been home with mom all day dealing with her and trying to work, keep house, care for the children, shop, etc. etc. ad infinitum. Guys can be blind to the day to day sometimes.
(please don't rat me out on that last statement to our 20 yo daughter---she loathes generalizations! haha)
I'm going to pray for you, Tee, and for your family.
Oh, and beeteedubs--we have 3 kids with asthma (just 1 still at home), and though they are adults now (legally, anyhoo) when my mom comes to visit she smokes outside! I don't care that she's 78, or how cold it is (which last Christmas here in NYS it was).
If anyone started smoking in our house it would be my husband starving in a ditch!
blessings. and congrats on your marriage.
God is faithful. ♥
-ellie
I am sorry for this dilemma. If I had thought my MIL was going to come live with me when I was first married, I would have panicked! (we did become friends, after many years....or was that détente? lol)
Now that I'm getting older I promise I'll starve in a ditch before living with any of our children.
The more things change, the more they stay the same?
I just wanted to mention that I do feel a bit of sympathy for your husband (as I see you do, too). Pressure from others, and internal, too, I'm sure, must make it hard for him to see this for what it is. And hard to put you first, as he ought to.
Not sayin' it's right...just, ya know.
But I don't think he's looking ahead to the 'crazy' wife who's been home with mom all day dealing with her and trying to work, keep house, care for the children, shop, etc. etc. ad infinitum. Guys can be blind to the day to day sometimes.
(please don't rat me out on that last statement to our 20 yo daughter---she loathes generalizations! haha)
I'm going to pray for you, Tee, and for your family.
Oh, and beeteedubs--we have 3 kids with asthma (just 1 still at home), and though they are adults now (legally, anyhoo) when my mom comes to visit she smokes outside! I don't care that she's 78, or how cold it is (which last Christmas here in NYS it was).
If anyone started smoking in our house it would be my husband starving in a ditch!
blessings. and congrats on your marriage.
God is faithful. ♥
-ellie
T
Thanks for all of the additional feedback. Its getting worse :°( She's putting so much pressure on my Husband that its driving me crazy. He doesn't deserve this. We have done SO much for her and by reading all of your responses, that seems to be where we messed up. She won't leave him alone about it and I want to say something to her but a part of me feel out of place. Should I?
Sorry it's getting harder! Your mil will definitely try to guilt you and your husband into doing what she wants . I don't know if talking to her will help but you definitely have an equal say in who lives in your house. Just be prepared for hostility when you go against your mil's wishes.
Praying that your husband will be led by the Holy Spirit in making the final decision.
. I don't know if talking to her will help but you definitely have an equal say in who lives in your house. Just be prepared for hostility when you go against your mil's wishes.Praying that your husband will be led by the Holy Spirit in making the final decision.
N
I agree with Piper, enabling is not helping but harming! I've seen it so often! I'm sorry you are going through this, it is a difficult thing luckily, my husband and I saw many family members crash and burn letting people move in with them like this and decided together we would never let anyone live with us. I've seen it destroy marriages the Bible says to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife (Genesis 2) so his job is to care for you and the kids, don't worry about what family members think. I wouldn't show him what people have said he may feel ganged up on just ask him to hear your concerns, pray about it, maybe even seek counsel from your pastor or someone wise, that way he can hear it from others without feeling cornered. Good luck!
luckily, my husband and I saw many family members crash and burn letting people move in with them like this and decided together we would never let anyone live with us. I've seen it destroy marriages the Bible says to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife (Genesis 2) so his job is to care for you and the kids, don't worry about what family members think. I wouldn't show him what people have said he may feel ganged up on just ask him to hear your concerns, pray about it, maybe even seek counsel from your pastor or someone wise, that way he can hear it from others without feeling cornered. Good luck!
This is a tough situation. The best thing I could come up with is what the scriptures would have to say on this matter.
On your husband's part...
Genesis 2
[SUP]24 [/SUP]Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Communication with your husband. The two of you seeking God's will on this matter is going to be the key to getting the answer that you need.
On your part, it is written to submit yourself to him as the head of the household. It is also written that the man love his wife as Christ loves the church, willing to give his very self for her.
Communicate. Tell him that you are willing to submit to his authority on this matter, but also voice your concerns and your disapproval (the same that Sarah did with Abraham). Tell him that you will trust him to seek God's will in this matter. Then pray that it be so and that God reveals to him what he should do and give him the strength to carry it out. Do not be afraid to tell him how vulnerable you are in this situation. If need be, seek the council of a pastor... both of you together.
On your husband's part...
Genesis 2
[SUP]24 [/SUP]Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Communication with your husband. The two of you seeking God's will on this matter is going to be the key to getting the answer that you need.
On your part, it is written to submit yourself to him as the head of the household. It is also written that the man love his wife as Christ loves the church, willing to give his very self for her.
Communicate. Tell him that you are willing to submit to his authority on this matter, but also voice your concerns and your disapproval (the same that Sarah did with Abraham). Tell him that you will trust him to seek God's will in this matter. Then pray that it be so and that God reveals to him what he should do and give him the strength to carry it out. Do not be afraid to tell him how vulnerable you are in this situation. If need be, seek the council of a pastor... both of you together.
You may want to discuss with your husband conditions that would need to be met if he decides to allow his mom to live with you. These conditions would apply to any adult family member that wants to live with you (there are a lot of websites dealing with young adults that don't want to leave their parents house and I think these may help you come up with the conditions).
Like first, she has to have a job; even if it's just part-time (it might be better to make this a requirement before she moves in, and she has to keep it). Maybe you and your husband can sit down and work out a plan for her. Require that she contributes to the household....financially and/or by helping with housework, etc. Let her know that living with you is just temporary until she gets on her feet. And include a time limit for that to occur.
She may never become independent but at least you can say you tried to help without it destroying your own family. Also, there is a lot of internet help on how to deal with verbal abusers; which she is doing if she's using guilt to manipulate you and she's encouraging dissension and hostility between you and your husband.
Focus on the Family has many resources...Dr. Dobson's teaching on tough love is really good!
I think the most important thing is that you work to not allow this to come between you and your husband. Try to talk to each other out of mutual concern without resentment. Hard but possible! Pray for the Holy Spirit to show you how.
Like first, she has to have a job; even if it's just part-time (it might be better to make this a requirement before she moves in, and she has to keep it). Maybe you and your husband can sit down and work out a plan for her. Require that she contributes to the household....financially and/or by helping with housework, etc. Let her know that living with you is just temporary until she gets on her feet. And include a time limit for that to occur.
She may never become independent but at least you can say you tried to help without it destroying your own family. Also, there is a lot of internet help on how to deal with verbal abusers; which she is doing if she's using guilt to manipulate you and she's encouraging dissension and hostility between you and your husband.
Focus on the Family has many resources...Dr. Dobson's teaching on tough love is really good!
I think the most important thing is that you work to not allow this to come between you and your husband. Try to talk to each other out of mutual concern without resentment. Hard but possible! Pray for the Holy Spirit to show you how
.
T
Unfortunately I have no good news. My husband told her she could stay here but under strict conditions. But he never told me he did this until recently. She is being put out of where she is now... Again... And it gets worse, she replied that she can't do "all of that" referring to the conditions. She said she has a place to stay but she needs my Husband to pay the person every week and my husband agreed. He said it's either that or with us. Sigh... Is he serious? Is she serious? I need some prayer warriors. This is too much. I'm in tears as I type this....
You could try to contact a local AA chapter for advice, they have seen this all many times before I'm sure. They might be able to convince your spouse on another course if they feel it is appropriate. If you can't afford the money for her rent maybe the family could get together and share payment-if cutting her off isn't the best option- Again, I think talking to some with experience in counseling in this area (they don't have to be AA) would be a good idea.
L
Hello Tiny, Sounds like an answer to prayer that your MIL did not move in with your family. During this time your husband can find out about AA and AL-Anon You both can get the support you need to do what is best for MIL and your family without having the problem in your home. That would have been much worse. Once you get the AA support, your MIL will not be able to so freely influence your husband.
It's a sure bet AA will not encourage money to be paid out to MIL and will direct in the best actions to make mom face her addiction. If she does not have her own source of income you can be sure you and your husband r paying for the alcohol and smoking.
As anyone who is familiar with addictions will tell you, if real love is involved, giving money is not the answer. Once your husband understands this he may be free from the guilt that addicts put on family. This is no surprise to God. Jesus can break all addictions. I'll be praying too.
During this time your husband can find out about AA and AL-Anon You both can get the support you need to do what is best for MIL and your family without having the problem in your home. That would have been much worse. Once you get the AA support, your MIL will not be able to so freely influence your husband. It's a sure bet AA will not encourage money to be paid out to MIL and will direct in the best actions to make mom face her addiction. If she does not have her own source of income you can be sure you and your husband r paying for the alcohol and smoking.
As anyone who is familiar with addictions will tell you, if real love is involved, giving money is not the answer. Once your husband understands this he may be free from the guilt that addicts put on family. This is no surprise to God. Jesus can break all addictions. I'll be praying too.