Please help me...

[TinyTee]

I am a newlywed. I am in a tight spot. My husbands mom is going thru things. She had a rough life and over the year she has been kicked out of her apartment and kicked out of every persons home she has lived with and guess who's next for her to live with? My husband doesn't seem to understand we're married now and we're already check to check. It wouldn't bother me so much except she is an alcoholic, very depressed, smokes and had no motivation or plan to help herself. We have 3 children, one who is an asthmatic. I don't condone drinking or smoking in front of our children. She had complained to me before about not being able to do those things where she currently stay. So of course that will transfer over when the ground rules are set over here. My husband and I had a discussion and things got heated because he said his family seems to be acting funny towards him because he hasn't opened "his" doors yet to her. I believe he and his family feels that if it weren't for me, she would live with him. We have no room for her so there would have to be an adjustment. My husband works long hours and I have a small at home business. So she will mainly be here with me. Am I wrong for feeling that this is a bad idea? I feel like our marriage will be doomed behind this. But then I think about how God is looking at it. I am so lost and confused. Any advice??

 

[Ariel82]

I wouldn't let the rest of the family pressure you and your husband into taking her in.

Why don't they let her live in their house?

I believe she should learn how to live where she is at now. If she wants to live with you, she must agree to no smoking and drinking in the house. otherwise it will NOT work out.

would she be willing to babysit and do household chores?

I don't know I don't think its a good idea for her to move in with you especially since you are newlyweds and if your husband isn't man enough to stand up for your and the kids over pressure from his family, then he needs to learn.

Ask him if he realistically thinks his mother will stop drinking, smoking, complaining about not being able to drink or smoke and help out around the house?

And what will he do if she doesn't stop smoking or drinking?

because I have asthma and I wouldn't be able to physically live with someone who smoked in the house, so I'd move out.

I wouldn't fight about it if he pushed the issue. I would simply say, sure your mom can move in, let me pack because I'm moving out.

I don't deal well with constant fighting and complaining and if I had to live with someone who did it all the time, I think I'd have mental breakdown.

I don't think I personally would be strong enough to handle that situation, but I guess if you prayed about it and ask God. He might give you the strength to live with your mother in law.

I don't know. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[piper27]

Take once glance at an Al-Anon book or website; DO NOT enable. If she is an active alcoholic, no amount of promising this or that will ever come to fruition. If her lifestyle has made her homeless, having no home might be the catalyst to change.
This will not end well for anyone -- your husband is bound to you, not his mother anymore. If addction was not in the situation, this would be a very different story.

Maybe your husband would do better to present her with some treatment options rather than invite her to potentially harm your family.

This is a very hard thing to do for someone you love. Things won't get better for her as long as people who love her continue to enable her.

You posted that you want to look at things like God would look at them; God gives us free will. This means we make our own decisions AND we will always reap what we sow. This does not mean he judges her, not at all. he loves her endlessly and cannot wait for her to call on him.
But good or bad, God lets us feel our choices. Its very, very hard to let someone we love feel negative choices -- when we enable, we are doing more harm than good.

Blessings to you and your family.

 

[dashadow]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I've had a similar experience. And I only pray that your husband will agree with you to keep this menacing force out of your home.

Matthew 12:46-50
[SUP]46 [/SUP]While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. [SUP]47 [/SUP]Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
[SUP]48 [/SUP]He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” [SUP]49 [/SUP]Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. [SUP]50 [/SUP]For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

 

[TinyTee]

Thank you all SO much. These are things that I have expressed to him and his reply is "but that's my mother" I tried to make him see the bigger picture but he keeps holding onto "but that's my mother". I have such a big heart and its hard for me to be as firm as I should. But I'm going to have to tell him that she can't stay here. Like "piper27" said, if there were no addiction it would be different and I love the point that "ariel 82" said about not allowing the family to pressure us. And also the message "dashadow" left. Do you guys think I should show him your advice as well? I'm not sure how he would take me asking for anonymous advice. But I needed to hear someone tell me either I'm wrong or I'm not wrong. <sigh> I don't want this to destroy our family. I feel like if I put my foot down and she don't move in and God forbid something happens to her, he will blame me. It just seems like a lose lose situation. I sure do appreciate you all taking time out for me. And I definitely appreciate your prayers....

 

[Nancyer]

A smoking alcoholic in a home with children is never NEVER a good idea. I realize you won't be able to reason with this woman, even if you speak to her when she is sober. I pray for you and your family, these situations are never easy. Believe me I understand the struggle between showing this woman the love of God and keeping your family save and secure. Ask God to show your husband the right thing to do for all involved.

My prayers for all of you.

 

[TinyTee]

@ nancyer... That's what I'm saying too. I'm gonna have to do some heavy praying. My husband is not gonna be happy but like ariel82 says, he has to man up. I appreciate your prayers...

 

[my_adonai_]

no trial that has come to you is above you, but just your level. and God has a way for you to get out of this one, so do not worry about it.

but what i would say is that IT IS YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDS choice, always trusting in the LORD and not leaning to your own understanding on the matter, soo get back to GOD, seek for HIS counsel on the matter, we can only add knowledge on the matter at hand, but GOD has the TRUTH to this situation, so Go back to GOD, He knows what HE wants for your life, so HE can and will guide you.

 

[TinyTee]

@my adonai... Thank you for that virtual slap in the face. I needed that. You are 100% correct. I guess I just needed someone to converse with. I talk to God all the time but I rarely sit quiet enough to hear what He has to say back to me. But I think, thru your words, I heard Him. I did step away from my faith with this one because I don't want to lose my family. I don't want her to come in and ruin us. And the question is what if she come here and it don't work? Then my husband will have to choose. I don't want him in that situation. He constantly tells me we come first but how can he kick his mom out with no where to go. Our hearts are too big to do that which means we will be miserable... but I guess it goes back to what you said "don't worry". Thank you again

 

[intercessorginger]

You are not wrong to want to protect your family and your marriage from what will surely bring additional problems your way. It's interesting how some people feel they have a right to move in to family and friends homes without regard to the turmoil it might bring. I would put my foot down and say, "No" to this. IF need be the entire family can "chip in" and help her get on her feet. Jesus is there for her, just as he was for you, but she must give her heart to him so he can help her.

 

[iSwareWare]

First of all, God is first in your life. If this situation would cause marital problems or family destruction then God would not want you to put that union in jeopardy. What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. You have to protect your marriage. You are right, that kind of stress on your relationship could be a set up for failure. Don't let that happen.

What is wrong with helping her find her own place? Why does she need to live "with" anyone? If it were me, I would help her find an affordable place to live. There are many low-income housing available if money is an issue. However, if she is drinking and smoking, she isn't likely to be a good money manager. Those habits are expensive.

Whatever you do, let the Lord lead you.

 

[Jimmyc]

I heard a pastor say that he prays everyday for the Lord to give him discernment about who he can help, and those who can hurt him. I would suggest to pray for her, and let God work on her. I would also suggest to pray for God to lead you in your choice.
I will be sure to include your situation in my prayer list tonight. Best wishes.

 

[Lucy68]

Definitely try to find her some help but your immediate family comes first. Protection of your children and your marriage should be your priority. There are many ways to help her get on her feet without her living with you. Affirm your husband's love for his mother since this is honoring to his mom and especially to God. There are other solutions for her! Praying for you and your family...and for his mom that God will lead her to healing.

 

[BishopSEH]

I know this is going to sound mean especially coming from a clergyman. His mother is an adult and has made her choices. Her actions show she is not interested in making corrections that will improve her life and until she does nothing will change. Sadly, the best thing you can do for her is close your doors to her. Your husband needs to understand that if she moves in she will continue on her destructive course and that will ultimately shorten her life. Also because of your child's medical issues smoke is a huge no-no. Even if she relents and smoke outside the smoke will still be in her clothes and hair.

Where alcohol is concerned, no place is a good place for that activity especially for an alcoholic. I would suggest maybe an incentive. If his mom can present a 1 year clean and sober chip, that you will seriously consider letting her move in for a pre-agreed upon length of time and then stick to it. I would set other conditions as well. Like she have a job, even as a Wal~mart greeter. That she pay a specific amount each month, which I would set aside in a savings account for her to get her own place once the pre-agreed upon time has arrived.

A person without purpose will drift and from what you have shared his mom is a drifter. Do not enable her but rather encourage her and him in the process. Encourage her to seek help and hold her to account. Of course, at all time be in prayer over her and over your family as you face this trial together.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

 

[destinyinjesus86]

My mother too had the same problem. In India, it is customary for most women to live in their husband's house along with their mother. I guess my father did not give ground rules to his mother before he got married as to how she needs to behave. So, my mother had such a tough time, almost like a living hell, that she had to take the exit and go to her mother's place where I was brought up. I was an ashthamatic patient too before and was mentally abused a lot by her (mom's mother) place since my dad left and chose to live with his mother. My grandmother was a caring woman, but yet there was a lot of mental abuse. ( if you know what I mean)
My earnest advice is please DON'T open the doors to your husband's mother!!! Sorry to be blunt, but its a fact cause am just recollecting the thoughts of what your kid might go through. Precaution is much more better than cure. Well, what you can do is pray, but God also has left us with choices we have to make. This is a big choice for you and your husband. And to be honest its good to be 'mama's boy' but once married one needs to be united to one's wife. Over here we have old age homes where people who can keep parents there. Old age homes have people who care for one as well as they have social communities where they could mingle. Here, many old age homes have strict rules also where no smoking or drinking is allowed. Why not you ask your husband opting for it?

 

[my_adonai_]

In the level of what comes first, i believe this is right
i) GOD - Exo 20:1 And God spake all these words, saying, Exo 20:2 I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Exo 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.


ii) Family - 1Ti_5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

iii) Work, office ministry - Joh_9:4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.

 

[nonicknametouse]

I totally know what your going through. I lived with my Mother-in-law and it was a very unhealthy relationship, and she was not an alcholic. You and your husband need to protect you kids from this. Can you get her into a nursing home or a senior citizens apartment complex. If she moves in , she will most definatly put a wedge between you and your husband. It does not mean you don't love her and want the best for her, ya just can't live with her. Your husband is in a hard place at this time and he is torn between pleasing you and his Mom. Two important people in his life, so try to be understanding with him. my Dad was an alcolic and I would never live with a person taht has that kind of problem. I will pray that the Lord will open up another door for her and she will get the help she needs. My advice is do not subject your family to liveng with an alcoholic. I know it is a sad situation for you, but imagine your kids coming home from school and Grandma is on the couch drunk. Oh, please.Love her, pray for her, have her for dinner, but don't live with her.

 

[nonicknametouse]

destinyinjesus86 You are right and I am so happy you are being blunt. Marriage is tough enough, but the would make it far worse, especialy for the kids. You are a wise young man. I feel so bad for this family. I pray that the Lord will open other doors for her. God bless you.

 

[Sparticus]

My husband works long hours and I have a small at home business. So she will mainly be here with me. Am I wrong for feeling that this is a bad idea? I feel like our marriage will be doomed behind this. But then I think about how God is looking at it. I am so lost and confused. Any advice??

I think that your husband needs to lay out the ground rules and establish that it is your (you and your husbands) home and you are going to raise your children as you see fit. There is nothing wrong with helping family in need but don't let it go to the point where you arent in control of your own lives.

 

[Sparticus]

So basically you need to let her know that if she is going to stay there that she doesn't have the right to be drunken in front of the children and be a bad example of how an adult should conduct themselves.

Just remember if you are willingly taking her in with full knowledge of her pre-existing conditions.

I would recommend taking her in and showing her the love that only God can give us through the Holy Spirit and let him guide your path with your mother in law to a straight and justly purposeful life.

God bless you and you family I pray that the Lord will give you the strength to come through these tough times.