Porn Addiction/Marriage "Arrangement"

[seoulsearch]

Ah yes, and this leads into one of the fiercest debates about Christian marriages I have seen...

Is a Christian spouse allowed to divorce their porn-addicted spouse (as it could be either the husband or the wife and is not gender-specific) based on the grounds of adultery?

Most debates I have read about this say no, which leaves a spouse stuck in this heart-draining situation with few to no choices except to "endure to the end."

And if porn IS a Biblical reason for divorce due to adultery... How many Christian marriages could technically be dissolved because of it?

If you went through every marriage in which porn/sexual addiction/attractions to something or someone other than the spouse is present, how many (what percentage) of marriages would be left standing?

 

[CS1]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

The devil is a liar

there is no such thing as " getting your needs met" when you sow to the flesh. No man or woman will ever be satisfied with the lust of the flesh it is an addition. The reason why the relationship with the wife or husband is not good enough is that many men have built a false narrative on sexual relationships from a fantasy not reality. No woman can live up to the camera action provided in filming. it is room.

So many women try to be what they can never be and will never Satisfy. ladies if sure Beauty of the flesh was good enough for "man's needs" then why is it that the world best can't keep their man from cheating on them?

porn is the reason why many have developed an excuse to cheat. And many Christian men at it too many preachers.

porn. IF turning to porn was because of a man not getting his needs every man is in for rude awaking when their better half has what is known as Menopause, or has to have reproduction parts removed.

Not finding your wife attractive at 50 when you have based her acceptable Identity on the false narrative that gropes your ego

You just lack self-control and a perverted spirit. mt dear sister needs to let go of those zero's and get you a hero stop trying to be what he will never accept because he has an addition. Jesus would never do that to you.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Yes. I'm sure plenty of 60-70 year old women would love to leave their 20-50 years long marriages to find a new man.

 

[CS1]

Ah yes, and this leads into one of the fiercest debates about Christian marriages I have seen...

Is a Christian spouse allowed to divorce their porn-addicted spouse (as it could be either the husband or the wife and is not gender-specific) based on the grounds of adultery?

Most debates I have read about this say no, which leaves a spouse stuck in this heart-draining situation with few to no choices except to "endure to the end."

And if porn IS a Biblical reason for divorce due to adultery... How many Christian marriages could technically be dissolved because of it?

If you went through every marriage in which porn/sexual addiction/attractions to something or someone other than the spouse is present, how many (what percentage) of marriages would be left standing?

There is help and restoration and one can be set free

But one must come to terms with what it is not,

it is not " your needs are being met". it has everything to do with

1. You do not love your partner
2. you are selfish and self-pleasing
3. You are perverted and have an addiction.

it is just that simple.
But once you are able to come to those terms God can start to set you free as you cry out to him and HE changes your heart to hate the thing that bounds you instead of giving in to it.

There is a proper sexual relationship that is fulfilling and one must keep it out of the girlfriend talk, man talks, and Not speak of your husband or wife Bedroom activities. How stupid can one be to give place to the devil of one of the most private parts of a marriage?

You might as well as Show pictures of your husband or wife, that is what you are doing when you have those little talks with those so-called friends then you are shocked when that " Friend " has slept with your husband or wife.

 

[kaylagrl]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

Wow! If I had an issue with sex or porn, y'all are the last people I would come to for support and prayer. smh Reading these posts I'm surprised. Yes porn is wrong and an addiction. And much of it is done in secret because people feel guilt and shame and feel they are the only ones. But stats show the truth, that this is a huge problem in the church and many people have this issue. And women, 50 Shades of Grey, exact same thing, so let's not get on our high horses. Those books with the hunky men and the bosomy women, yep, same thing.

Here's my issue with this, the church is horrible when it comes to sexual issues. If you had a sexual issue in your marriage would you be able to talk to your pastor and get helpful advice? There is a reason people feel like this is the one issue they can't be open and honest about. Even though it's a clear issue people are coping with in their marriages. Could you be open with your spouse about your sexual needs? Both men and women deal with this issue. And I think we need to look deeper than just telling people it's sinful and wrong and they are perverted. I think there can be issues of rejection a person grew up with, abuse, sex too early. Several reasons people can have issues with sex. The fact that Christians feel they are so dirty and sinful that they can't even reveal they have this issue makes me wonder how they can ever be free if people are so judgmental about a struggle many of us deal with, if we were honest, not necessarily porn but temptations. I think we all need to get real here and be a little more honest about our struggles. JMO

 

[Genipher]

oh ok
after he has had you does he cast you aside! I dunno. Maybe it takes two to tango and you just do the same to him.

Id be like ok heres the baby.

Noooo. We tend to do other things after. Watch a movie, play a board game, talk. Unless it's an afternoon, ahem, rendezvous. Then we part ways and deal with life. Dishes, work, kids...

You seem to have a low opinion of sex in marriage. I don't understand how it would be wrong for him to lust for me and me for him. 🤔

And, yes. He helps take care of the babies.

 

[CS1]

Wow! If I had an issue with sex or porn, y'all are the last people I would come to for support and prayer. smh Reading these posts I'm surprised. Yes porn is wrong and an addiction. And much of it is done in secret because people feel guilt and shame and feel they are the only ones. But stats show the truth, that this is a huge problem in the church and many people have this issue. And women, 50 Shades of Grey, exact same thing, so let's not get on our high horses. Those books with the hunky men and the bosomy women, yep, same thing.

Here's my issue with this, the church is horrible when it comes to sexual issues. If you had a sexual issue in your marriage would you be able to talk to your pastor and get helpful advice? There is a reason people feel like this is the one issue they can't be open and honest about. Even though it's a clear issue people are coping with in their marriages. Could you be open with your spouse about your sexual needs? Both men and women deal with this issue. And I think we need to look deeper than just telling people it's sinful and wrong and they are perverted. I think there can be issues of rejection a person grew up with, abuse, sex too early. Several reasons people can have issues with sex. The fact that Christians feel they are so dirty and sinful that they can't even reveal they have this issue makes me wonder how they can ever be free if people are so judgmental about a struggle many of us deal with, if we were honest, not necessarily porn but temptations. I think we all need to get real here and be a little more honest about our struggles. JMO

I don't think you understand the abusiveness and denial that comes with this addiction. Love is also telling the truth. and coming to accept the truth. You do not justify a wrong or sin, by speaking about another type of sin or wrong.

When a person says " Their needs were not being met" , what it they are really saying , it's your fault why I'm cheating and you cause me to go somewhere else because you did not meet my needs.

What a cruel guilt trip to place on a person, But we're supposed to lovingly and softly tell them Jesus loves you and it going to be ok, while they place guilt and abuse on their partner?

That does not love that is appeasement. Sexual sin left unchecked will take you down. it is a fire that has taken many men and women to a place of complete depravity. The context of my strong language was of those who abuse their wife with that false narrative. Many women are beaten down by men who out of anger and sexual addiction terrorize women.

That is demonic and will turn wicked and violent every time. many women out of embarrassment will not even say anything and remain silent as they are abused and self-esteem destroyed.

I have ministered to many men in this condition and I will tell you until they come to terms with that they are bound and want this they can never be set free from porn, homosexuality, and adultery. just to name a few issues.

Porn is and has taken down many great men of God who took this fire and thought they would not get burnt.

 

[kaylagrl]

I don't think you understand the abusiveness and denial that comes with this addiction. Love is also telling the truth. and coming to accept the truth. You do not justify a wrong or sin, by speaking about another type of sin or wrong.

When a person says " Their needs were not being met" , what it they are really saying , it's your fault why I'm cheating and you cause me to go somewhere else because you did not meet my needs. What a cruel guilt trip to place on a person, But we're supposed to lovingly and softly tell them Jesus loves you and it going to be ok, while they place guilt and abuse on their partner?

Ok, well you know me and my posts pretty well by now, I'm a straight shooter. I'm not saying turning to porn is a good or correct answer to sexual issues in a marriage. But can you recall a threat a while back where we were talking about sex within a marriage and how a couple should not deny each other? Remember the angry posts over that? Several women seemed to think that it was wrong for a husband to expect sex in a marriage. I think we have issues with sex in the Christian marriage because we have worldly ideas mixed in with Biblical ones. I was pretty surprised at women who seemed to think their body was their own and for a husband to expect sex was akin to rape. On the flip side of that, women are also having sexual issues of their own and their needs not being met. And I don't know of anywhere you could go and talk openly and find good Godly council on sexual issues. Not condoning porn, but a lot of Christians are dealing with according to stats, so we have a problem. And this problem is made worse when people feel they are dirty or sick for having the issue, so they hide it and that makes it worse.

That does not love that is appeasement. Sexual sin left unchecked will take you down. it is a fire that has taken many men and women to a place of complete depravity. The context of my strong language was of those who abuse their wife with that false narrative. Many women are beaten down by men who out of anger and sexual addiction terrorize women.

That is demonic and will turn wicked and violent every time. many women out of embarrassment will not even say anything and remain silent as they are abused and self-esteem destroyed.

What we're not saying here is porn is a good thing. We're not saying it's ok to abuse your spouse. What we are saying that both men and women are dealing with this addiction. Before it gets to a point of abuse, people need to feel they can reach out and say they are struggling. You can turn a blind eye to it, but it's a real struggle in many Christian marriages, in pastors marriages for that matter.

I have ministered to many men in this condition and I will tell you until they come to terms with that they are bound and want this they can never be set free from porn, homosexuality, and adultery. just to name a few issues.

Porn is and has taken down many great men of God who took this fire and thought they would not get burnt.

I didn't say it wasn't dangerous. I'm saying it's an issue we need to be open and real about from both sides. I was surprised at the women who were watching 50 Shades of Grey. When it first came out, I had no idea what it was about. It was all over my FB, all my friends were talking about it. So I watched a few minutes of it. I couldn't believe this was the movie all the women were crowing about. I'm talking strictly about Christian marriages here, we need to be able to talk openly and honestly about sexual issues. Because if we can't that's where the bondage comes in. Now I grant you, some men and women have fallen into this before marriage. But my husband and I try to be open about how we are feeling and we talked about sex and our expectations when we were engaged. I think it's a subject that is too closed in the church. I think there are some very odd ideas people have about sex that they bring into a marriage. I don't condone porn in any way, but I don't condemn a person struggling with it either.

 

[kaylagrl]

oh ok
after he has had you does he cast you aside! I dunno. Maybe it takes two to tango and you just do the same to him.

Id be like ok heres the baby.

She didn't say abuse. Nothing wrong with a man wanting his wife's body. He was created that way.

 

[kaylagrl]

This is pure evil and utterly pathetic in so many ways. Tell the men to pick up their cross instead of porn. May they be handed over to Satan for the destruction of their flesh (1 Corinthians, Chapter 5).

Would you say that to a person who has an addiction for food? What about drink? Or smoking? A tad overkill I think.

 

[CS1]

Ok, well you know me and my posts pretty well by now, I'm a straight shooter. I'm not saying turning to porn is a good or correct answer to sexual issues in a marriage. But can you recall a threat a while back where we were talking about sex within a marriage and how a couple should not deny each other? Remember the angry posts over that? Several women seemed to think that it was wrong for a husband to expect sex in a marriage. I think we have issues with sex in the Christian marriage because we have worldly ideas mixed in with Biblical ones. I was pretty surprised at women who seemed to think their body was their own and for a husband to expect sex was akin to rape. On the flip side of that, women are also having sexual issues of their own and their needs not being met. And I don't know of anywhere you could go and talk openly and find good Godly council on sexual issues. Not condoning porn, but a lot of Christians are dealing with according to stats, so we have a problem. And this problem is made worse when people feel they are dirty or sick for having the issue, so they hide it and that makes it worse.





What we're not saying here is porn is a good thing. We're not saying it's ok to abuse your spouse. What we are saying that both men and women are dealing with this addiction. Before it gets to a point of abuse, people need to feel they can reach out and say they are struggling. You can turn a blind eye to it, but it's a real struggle in many Christian marriages, in pastors marriages for that matter.








I didn't say it wasn't dangerous. I'm saying it's an issue we need to be open and real about from both sides. I was surprised at the women who were watching 50 Shades of Grey. When it first came out, I had no idea what it was about. It was all over my FB, all my friends were talking about it. So I watched a few minutes of it. I couldn't believe this was the movie all the women were crowing about. I'm talking strictly about Christian marriages here, we need to be able to talk openly and honestly about sexual issues. Because if we can't that's where the bondage comes in. Now I grant you, some men and women have fallen into this before marriage. But my husband and I try to be open about how we are feeling and we talked about sex and our expectations when we were engaged. I think it's a subject that is too closed in the church. I think there are some very odd ideas people have about sex that they bring into a marriage. I don't condone porn in any way, but I don't condemn a person struggling with it either.

I agree with you but please remember many watch a show and do not separate what they see on tv from what they expect in the bedroom. To the point where paul says or thought to have said " do not deny yourself"

That is not fully correct. chapter 7 of 1cor.

it says :

1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: ( this was an issue in the church)

It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

This is a very important word "Affection" the KJV says: benevolence which means to show kindness and so should the wife to her husband
Does the husband want to have sexual relations with HIS wife IF she is not willing to and out of the context that some think She should just because HE might go somewhere else? Did paul suggest at any time the man should not be Christ-like? No. This is a wilful submitting not a force giving in to a desire or "Needing to meet my needs"



4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another "except with consent"

Accept for consent That too is a very important word which means "harmonious, accordant, agreeing"

I do not think we have fully understood the chapter here and those very important words contextually.

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

AGREEment, Self-respect for each other, and seeking God in prayer and fasting.

Not force, control, or guilt. NO! willful submission, out of love for each other. But Paul is saying here in this chapter Don'tlet anything come between you and God you and your wife or husband and the calling on your life. Stay focused, stay faithful and live out the calling of God on your life.

Paul ends this chapter with :

17 But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches.

 

[CS1]

Noooo. We tend to do other things after. Watch a movie, play a board game, talk. Unless it's an afternoon, ahem, rendezvous. Then we part ways and deal with life. Dishes, work, kids...

You seem to have a low opinion of sex in marriage. I don't understand how it would be wrong for him to lust for me and me for him. 🤔

And, yes. He helps take care of the babies.

lust is not the same as a desire for and in the context of marriage. IF a man can "lust for his wife " he can lust for another man's wife.
it is not seeing her as an object to lust after but a person created in the image of God made and a part of you. NO one has any business in your bedroom.

This is a very important point. Your friends, your outside family, your coe-workers Your pastor, your church NO one.

Very big mistake. And many young marriages were attacked for doing so.

 

[CS1]

Would you say that to a person who has an addiction for food? What about drink? Or smoking? A tad overkill I think.

there is a sin unto yourself.

But sexual sin is a sin of the body, soul, and spirit.

Fornication is a type of idolatry adultery is a vow breaker and Perversion leads to wicked creation that offend God

sexual sin has destroyed :

marriages
children
wives
jobs
churches
calling of god

sexual addiction if unchecked leads to:

adultery is the carrying out of what you already planned and purposed in your heart to remember the word of Jesus "whosoever looks at a woman to lust has ALREADY committed adultery with her in his heart" The physical act is a result of unrepentance and lust out of control.

Fornication sex outside of marriage

obsession
Sexual abuse
rape
Murder
even suicide

 

[kaylagrl]

there is a sin unto yourself.

But sexual sin is a sin of the body, soul, and spirit.

Fornication is a type of idolatry adultery is a vow breaker and Perversion leads to wicked creation that offend God

sexual sin has destroyed :

marriages
children
wives
jobs
churches
calling of god

sexual addiction if unchecked leads to:

adultery is the carrying out of what you already planned and purposed in your heart to remember the word of Jesus "whosoever looks at a woman to lust has ALREADY committed adultery with her in his heart" The physical act is a result of unrepentance and lust out of control.

Fornication sex outside of marriage

obsession
Sexual abuse
rape
Murder
even suicide

Brother, you're preaching to the choir. My point is many people have this issue within their marriages. If they can't be honest about it, how will they come out of that bondage? Men already have issues talking. Do see shutting people down entirely is a good way to help them overcome an addiction?

 

[Runningman]

If adultery is grounds for divorce and lusting after someone in your heart, even secretly, is the same as adultery. That means a porn addiction is grounds for divorce.

The same thing for women. If you watch a movie and see a cute guy in it and secretly want him then that's called lust. It's adultery even if they are fully clothed. People are generally incapable of controlling their inner most lustful passions except by gradual sanctification by the Holy Spirit.

People seem to quick to condemn the overt displays of sin, but even if we can hide sin in our heart from everyone else we'll never be able to hide it from God. It's wrong to think we can trick God and then pretend we are not guilty when we condemn others.

 

[kaylagrl]

I agree with you but please remember many watch a show and do not separate what they see on tv from what they expect in the bedroom. To the point where paul says or thought to have said " do not deny yourself"

That is not fully correct. chapter 7 of 1cor.

it says :

1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: ( this was an issue in the church)

It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

This is a very important word "Affection" the KJV says: benevolence which means to show kindness and so should the wife to her husband
Does the husband want to have sexual relations with HIS wife IF she is not willing to and out of the context that some think She should just because HE might go somewhere else? Did paul suggest at any time the man should not be Christ-like? No. This is a wilful submitting not a force giving in to a desire or "Needing to meet my needs"



4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another "except with consent"

Accept for consent That too is a very important word which means "harmonious, accordant, agreeing"

I do not think we have fully understood the chapter here and those very important words contextually.

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

AGREEment, Self-respect for each other, and seeking God in prayer and fasting.

Not force, control, or guilt. NO! willful submission, out of love for each other. But Paul is saying here in this chapter Don'tlet anything come between you and God you and your wife or husband and the calling on your life. Stay focused, stay faithful and live out the calling of God on your life.

Paul ends this chapter with :

17 But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches.

I wish I could find the thread where we had a discussion on this. The Bible says you may not deprive each other in a marriage, unless you both consent, for fasting and prayer, and them come back together again. If there are issues that are medical, actually medical ( not "not tonight dear I have a headache) or legitimate issues. Other than that there is no reason to withhold sex. We need to open and honest about these type of issues. A lot of marriages are also broken because there is no counseling for these issues.

 

[CS1]

Brother, you're preaching to the choir. My point is many people have this issue within their marriages. If they can't be honest about it, how will they come out of that bondage? Men already have issues talking. Do see shutting people down entirely is a good way to help them overcome an addiction?

that is true I have been married for 28 years coming on 29 this week. The issue and error are how and to who we are open and honest with. But confession is needed, this is why the best thing that has happened to many men was being exposed to their hiding of the sexual sin. it has been said before if you want to not see victory in an addiction only confess it to God.

There are people in the body of Christ who have the gifting and wisdom to help. I am fully committed to the restoration of the brother and sister, and that can and does happen.

 

[CS1]

I wish I could find the thread where we had a discussion on this. The Bible says you may not deprive each other in a marriage, unless you both consent, for fasting and prayer, and them come back together again. If there are issues that are medical, actually medical ( not "not tonight dear I have a headache) or legitimate issues. Other than that there is no reason to withhold sex. We need to open and honest about these type of issues. A lot of marriages are also broken because there is no counseling for these issues.

I did post it it's in 1cor in the post you responded to. Again there is far more reason to say no than I got a head ache LOL.

I am not going to list them however, not all counselors are godly, and not all counselors are equipped in this area. remember this is not about denying a person this thread is about those who have an addiction to porn which can and does drive the false narrative that some have said and addressed here.

a sexual relationship with the husband and wife who have issues of how often or not enough is not in context to porn. that is a separate issue that WILL happen over time because for many reasons.

Women lose the desire, men lose the ability the flesh is dying getting old, etc... Medical issues, emotional, women are very emotional during the change of life some it is very devastating Yet none of that has anything to do with addiction or porn.

apples to apples.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

Humans sure enough make a mess of things. Pornography is evil on many levels and men should do their best to avoid seeing it.
I don't know how these marriages can be restored. It would have to be a work of the Lord.

 

[Lanolin]

She didn't say abuse. Nothing wrong with a man wanting his wife's body. He was created that way.

she said lust not love so, wonder how she gets that confused lol.

two totally different emotions and motivations.
if they are fine with using each others bodies, then its up to them. when she or he gets old or parts dont work anymore they are going to get tired of each other...this happens in many marriages based on lust.

But most people (believers) are actually not lust based and look for something higher.