Rebuilding a 'marriage' after infidelity

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kaylagrl

Guest
#21
I do feel I need motives to move on but then I know I can stay because when I look at those boys they want a family unit. They want their mum and their dad. I have enrolled them in counselling through their Catholic school. They haven't started yet. I was soooooo embarrassed to have to take that step, I don't want ppls judgement on who did what to cause what between my husband and myself.
No one can really judge a marriage. He was in the wrong to have affairs. But don't be embarrassed about getting help.Lots of people have issues and need help. Its the only way to heal
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#23
He had sex in his work carpark. Yet he's someone who has always been so diligent at work. He walked a colleagues to their car and ended up in the car receiving a 'head job'. He was in his work uniform for crying out loud! I think of ppl like that that hear rumours about and I am disgusted in those workers... Now my husband is bundled up in that category!
Does he have an addiction perhaps? Something is not right in his mind,something is missing for him to seek that kind of attention.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#24
You are welcome. Others that have gone through this will post here and give better advice. I hope you find a way to heal. Prayer really is the key.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#25
Well yes he has touched upon that. But doesn't believe he's an evil person. And I don't want him feeling like that is an excuse. He's an educated person in a community service position and he knows right from wrong. I want to know how he could switch off from a marriage and partake in infidelity and what could he possibly have told himself to make it ok.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#26
But Kayla. You looked for me and found me. There was a genuine interest. And I needed some human contact/support and you gave that. You are a gem.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#27
I must get to bed: I have a mandatory training to attend 2 hours across the city tomorrow. I look forward to hearing words from people. To help my thought process. Many thanks
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#28
But Kayla. You looked for me and found me. There was a genuine interest. And I needed some human contact/support and you gave that. You are a gem.
I have never faced what you are facing but I have gone through dark times with family issues. I had no one to talk to at all and it seemed so much worse. So I try to listen when others need to talk. I try to give support knowing what its like to be so deeply hurt and just needing someone that cares. If I have helped in any way I feel blessed that God may have used me in some small way. We here at CC are praying for you.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#29
You should feel blessed. You are a listener but you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are active in your listening. You see those in need and you respond. Don't discount your advice, you too are a person with feelings and be it feelings that you are most I tune too. No one should take a path of hurt without help or support. And you don't deserve to feel alone when you from what brief encounter have given so much. I always say head high so you don't miss a thing... It makes you available to be present!
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#30
Turning the lights off to go to bed, the kids asleep and my husband is at work. I know I want my husband back but at the same time I don't think he's deserving of any of this.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#31
I have been married 12 years and I have recently (in the last 7 weeks) learnt my husband has been unfaithful with 2 people; one being a friend's niece and the other a work colleague. I have grown to be quite ambivalent about the situation knowing I can stay for our three sons and that I can still work towards enjoyable times with my family but I can't celebrate our marriage because it feels like a lie and joke. I feel like I don't want the judgement from failure. I feel like I could easily stay to guarantee my sons financial stability in their primary learning years (ages 11, 8 and 4).
Okay. That's what you're thinking. What does God say to do? Study his word and pray to learn that answer.
 
Dec 19, 2009
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#32
I feel I have to understand a new definition of 'marriage' because my definition based on trust and fidelity is gone. Is this achievable? Am I kidding myself. I often say to myself "Stay. How could you trust again"
If he is guilty of unchastity, I think it’s up to you whether or not you stay with him.
 

azlightsout

Senior Member
Apr 20, 2016
2,151
58
48
#33
I have been married 12 years and I have recently (in the last 7 weeks) learnt my husband has been unfaithful with 2 people; one being a friend's niece and the other a work colleague. I have grown to be quite ambivalent about the situation knowing I can stay for our three sons and that I can still work towards enjoyable times with my family but I can't celebrate our marriage because it feels like a lie and joke. I feel like I don't want the judgement from failure. I feel like I could easily stay to guarantee my sons financial stability in their primary learning years (ages 11, 8 and 4).
With god anything is possible but it starts with U ---- if u are willing to forgive then it's possible --- I went thru this with my wife and in marriage from my own experience you pray for your partners faults ---- Pray for him - pray that he stops cheating - god has the power to change him =
 
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EllaBloom

Guest
#34
Hello LozzLana,

I'm sure your head is spinning from all the thoughts, doubts and conflicting advice. I certainly won't tell you what to do, that the job of the Holy Spirit. But I can tell you every situation is different, unique.

There are so many factors which will determine whether you will stay married or not but the most important thing now is: is he truly sorry for what he had done and are you willing to even entertain the thought of forgiveness. If yes (to both of these) you can start from there.

It is NOT true that once a spouse is unfaithful it is the end of the marriage. Marriage is so much bigger then this. It is a tough time to go through but you can be much closer to each other at the end of it then you were before his affairs or ever maybe.

Unfaithfulness is a symptom of a problem and not only a problem itself. The problem may not be with you or your marriage, but most likely with him and his attitude. That's why it's great you are doing the counselling. Get to the root of it. Heal and move on. Fight for your family, there is nothing more precious and worth your time.

I am speaking as a betrayed wife. We managed to save our marriage and I never had any doubts it was the best decision. I described our long story, the way we dealt with the aftermath and how God helped us to survive in my blog mybloomsday.wordpress.com
I wrote it to help others in this situation and to give testimony to God's love.

All the best to you and your family. I'll try to keep an eye on your story. God bless.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#35
You should feel blessed. You are a listener but you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are active in your listening. You see those in need and you respond. Don't discount your advice, you too are a person with feelings and be it feelings that you are most I tune too. No one should take a path of hurt without help or support. And you don't deserve to feel alone when you from what brief encounter have given so much. I always say head high so you don't miss a thing... It makes you available to be present!

I appreciate that very much. Sometimes people who have been through a storm are more sensitive to others,but not always. I just hope I can give encouragement when someone is feeling lost and alone. I was in ministry for years so maybe Im more attuned to hurting people. I certainly hope that to be true.
 
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Church2u2

Guest
#36
Hi.I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm praying for the both of you. May the lord keep you and give you strength and peace. Keep your head up my sister..
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,960
113
#37
Does your husband trust that Jesus Christ is Lord and Saviour? Because if he does, he needs to be shown how evil and bad adultery is. And that you can justify divorce based on what he is doing, although restoration is definitely better! And if he does not believe in Jesus, we all need to pray for his salvation.

Do you trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour? I am hearing a lot about churches and masses, but I believe the Bible is clear that we are only saved by the grace of God - not through a church or mediator.

My thought, besides the marriage counselling, is for you to read the New Testament, to start. Get a Bible you can understand, and start in John. Then read Matthew, Mark and Luke. Read John again, then go to Acts and the epistles. You can read Revelation, just be aware there are a lot of weird symbols and it can be hard to understand, or worse, some people badly interpret it.

Then put Jesus on speed dial. Not the rosary, but Jesus! Nor Mary, but Jesus! Ask him to help you, to guide you and lead you. Ask him to comfort you and to change your husband.

"Heavenly Father, I just pray for Lozzlana, that you will become very real in her life. That she will realize that you are the way, the truth and the life - and that no one comes to the Father but by Jesus Christ. Hold her hand, help her through this trying time in her life. Bring solid Christians into her life, especially women who can pray with her, and lead her without judgment. I pray for a restoration for her marriage, meaning that her husband will repent, and figure out why he is cheating and why he has been putting his gratification first, instead of their marriage. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen!"
 
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RobbyEarl

Guest
#38
I know that a hard thing to overcome when a spouse has violated your trust. But it can be reconciled and especially if children are involved. How ever a habitual violator is not to be tolerated.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#39
Turning the lights off to go to bed, the kids asleep and my husband is at work. I know I want my husband back but at the same time I don't think he's deserving of any of this.
Just checking in,hope you are ok. :)
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#40
Just checking in,hope you are ok. :)
Thanks my sweet. I actually had a horrible night last night (it's now night again here). I cried again for the first time in weeks. I had this overwhelming feeling of resentment. I said very hurtful things. And I am ambivalent about taking them back. I hate that I am so hateful. I hate that I am so easily hurtful. I was tapped on the shoulder at work three weeks ago so I am relieving into a regional managers position and my head just hasn't been in it. I have done nothing whilst in this role. Another set of expectations upon me! My head is all over the shop! My older brother has just found what he thinks is love, and it's lifted my spirits. He's 35 and NEVER had a girlfriend. I am so excited so that had done me wonders. I was soooo excited the first thing I wanted to do was message my husband at work and say "OMG! guess what?!?!" Then that made me sad because I don't want to afford him my good spirits. What is wrong with me?!?!!!