Rebuilding a 'marriage' after infidelity

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LozzLana

Guest
#1
#1
I have been married 12 years and I have recently (in the last 7 weeks) learnt my husband has been unfaithful with 2 people; one being a friend's niece and the other a work colleague. I have grown to be quite ambivalent about the situation knowing I can stay for our three sons and that I can still work towards enjoyable times with my family but I can't celebrate our marriage because it feels like a lie and joke. I feel like I don't want the judgement from failure. I feel like I could easily stay to guarantee my sons financial stability in their primary learning years (ages 11, 8 and 4).
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#2
#2
I feel I have to understand a new definition of 'marriage' because my definition based on trust and fidelity is gone. Is this achievable? Am I kidding myself. I often say to myself "Stay. How could you trust again"
 
JennaLeanne

JennaLeanne

Senior Member
#3
Dec 26, 2015
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#3
Hello My sweet sister.. I pray that in this very painful time your going through you will find comfort in our heavenly father who loves u dearly... Before you get alot of messages telling you what to do (we should only advise one another) let me encourage you to pour your heart out to the Lord. Every hurt every question all your anger you have.. He cares so much for your family, it's always his will for him to restore. He will show you, Bed led by the spirit which always manifests love and peace. I will pray also for your husband. If you want to talk deeper then please pm me. Xxxxx
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#4
#4
LozzLana said:
I feel I have to understand a new definition of 'marriage' because my definition based on trust and fidelity is gone. Is this achievable? Am I kidding myself. I often say to myself "Stay. How could you trust again"
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Here you are! Im sorry you went through this. Do you have a church you attend? Is there a pastor you can talk to? If you can find Christian counseling for yourself it would be a great step forward.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#5
#5
Thank you. I am new at this so I now have two responses (exciting!). I'll post more of my story below. Thank you again for responding x
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#6
Mar 13, 2014
42,728
17,192
113
70
Tennessee
#6
LozzLana said:
I feel I have to understand a new definition of 'marriage' because my definition based on trust and fidelity is gone. Is this achievable? Am I kidding myself. I often say to myself "Stay. How could you trust again"
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Because of your husband's infidelity your marriage is essentially over as there will never be trust again. Without trust there is no real basis for an enduring relationship. It was a horrible thing that your husband did to you and your children. A man that loves his wife does not even think about cheating on her let alone actually do it. I feel that what you have to do is to understand a new definition of survival. I have said a prayer for God to give you clarity of thought on how to proceed and recover from this devastating situation.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#7
#7
tourist said:
Because of your husband's infidelity your marriage is essentially over as there will never be trust again. Without trust there is no real basis for an enduring relationship. It was a horrible thing that your husband did to you and your children. A man that loves his wife does not even think about cheating on her let alone actually do it. I feel that what you have to do is to understand a new definition of survival. I have said a prayer for God to give you clarity of thought on how to proceed and recover from this devastating situation.
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Not to quibble, I respect you too much brother. But with counseling people have gotten past infidelity. Its a question of if he cares to save his marriage.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#8
#8
I don't even know where to start. I will by saying we are both equal. My husband and I have worked very hard. We both work full time and are both in well paid jobs. I am from a middle class family brought up attending church every weekend... I have my children attending local Catholic schools. I am not involved in the church I only attended whilst I was on maternity leave and now on class mass days once a term. I am currently heavily involved in attending mass because my eldest son has his Cinfirmation on Saturday. My involvement at church has coincided with the revelation my husband has part taken in sexual acts with other women over the years. I am enjoying my reconnection at Church but I am not amongst the parish.
 
JennaLeanne

JennaLeanne

Senior Member
#9
Dec 26, 2015
411
37
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#9
kaylagrl said:
Not to quibble, I respect you too much brother. But with counseling people have gotten past infidelity. Its a question of if he cares to save his marriage.
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Yes Amen i agree. Let's not be quick to be so strong in our opinions.. Let the Lord guide this.. Love bears all things believes all things hopes all things endures all things.. Xxx
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#10
#10
We are currently seeing a relationship psychologist individually and as a couple. Very costly in terms of budgeting (which we aren't really that good at!) but you can't put a price on restoration of what one holds so dearly. But how can I move forward with someone who doesn't uphold their marriage. I do. I am a senior manager member in a male dominated industry and have never succumbed to belittling what I have with my husband or shaming him and my children.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#11
#11
LozzLana said:
I don't even know where to start. I will by saying we are both equal. My husband and I have worked very hard. We both work full time and are both in well paid jobs. I am from a middle class family brought up attending church every weekend... I have my children attending local Catholic schools. I am not involved in the church I only attended whilst I was on maternity leave and now on class mass days once a term. I am currently heavily involved in attending mass because my eldest son has his Cinfirmation on Saturday. My involvement at church has coincided with the revelation my husband has part taken in sexual acts with other women over the years. I am enjoying my reconnection at Church but I am not amongst the parish.
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Ok, you need to seek some kind of counseling in your area. Many times churches have free or affordable counseling. You really need to be able to talk this through with someone. How is your husband acting? Is he wanting a divorce? Did he give a reason for his affairs? Sorry for all the questions.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#12
Mar 13, 2014
42,728
17,192
113
70
Tennessee
#12
kaylagrl said:
Not to quibble, I respect you too much brother. But with counseling people have gotten past infidelity. Its a question of if he cares to save his marriage.
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With God all things are possible. I respect you as well and I pray for the best possible outcome.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#13
#13
LozzLana said:
We are currently seeing a relationship psychologist individually and as a couple. Very costly in terms of budgeting (which we aren't really that good at!) but you can't put a price on restoration of what one holds so dearly. But how can I move forward with someone who doesn't uphold their marriage. I do. I am a senior manager member in a male dominated industry and have never succumbed to belittling what I have with my husband or shaming him and my children.
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It really will take time to heal this wound. You may end up leaving in the end but it is best to get it all out on the table. Whatever he felt was going wrong in the marriage never gives one the excuse to abuse their spouse by cheating on them.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#14
#14
My mantra is 'Always resolve before dissolve' when seeing people faced with this situation but where was my husband in coming clean over the previous 6 years. He began when I was in my late 20s. In my prime to love and be loved. I feel ripped off and angry but grateful for the three boys that showered me in love on Sunday; Mother's Day.
 
JennaLeanne

JennaLeanne

Senior Member
#15
Dec 26, 2015
411
37
28
#15
LozzLana said:
We are currently seeing a relationship psychologist individually and as a couple. Very costly in terms of budgeting (which we aren't really that good at!) but you can't put a price on restoration of what one holds so dearly. But how can I move forward with someone who doesn't uphold their marriage. I do. I am a senior manager member in a male dominated industry and have never succumbed to belittling what I have with my husband or shaming him and my children.
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There is hope here my dear sister... If you both want to save your marriage truly from the depths of your heart then you can.. With the help of God, He promises to strengthen us in all of our weak areas 2 corinthians 12:9. If you truly believe your husband had a repentant heart and wants to work through this then it can be done.. I will pray for you for sure. Be patient and take each day as it comes xx
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#16
#16
My husband refuses to leave. One moment he says he'd sign the house over and the other moment he's angry because I took leave from work to spend with the kids and clear my head (I only get 4 weeks annual leave per year!). And he complains I spent out money doing things with the boys so now he can't move out. But then he says he will NOT move out because he's never wanted anything more in his life than he does right now... Being me.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#17
#17
LozzLana said:
My mantra is 'Always resolve before dissolve' when seeing people faced with this situation but where was my husband in coming clean over the previous 6 years. He began when I was in my late 20s. In my prime to love and be loved. I feel ripped off and angry but grateful for the three boys that showered me in love on Sunday; Mother's Day.
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What you are feeling is normal. You are grieving. Try to focus on what is positive right now. Prayer is a great tool to salve wounds. Take it to God. You can say things to him you may not even be able to say out loud. The issue is his, nothing you could have done justifies his sins.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#18
#18
I do feel I need motives to move on but then I know I can stay because when I look at those boys they want a family unit. They want their mum and their dad. I have enrolled them in counselling through their Catholic school. They haven't started yet. I was soooooo embarrassed to have to take that step, I don't want ppls judgement on who did what to cause what between my husband and myself.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#19
#19
How do I trust again? How do I know he's not connecting with someone else? He says it's not worth it and that he's sees this now but we are all human. I feel now that he's got qualities that prevent him from being open.
 
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LozzLana

Guest
#20
#20
He had sex in his work carpark. Yet he's someone who has always been so diligent at work. He walked a colleagues to their car and ended up in the car receiving a 'head job'. He was in his work uniform for crying out loud! I think of ppl like that that hear rumours about and I am disgusted in those workers... Now my husband is bundled up in that category!
 
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