This is hard for me... Please read.

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Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
812
57
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#21
Hold him to it, but make a back up plan. I strongly think you should get a protective order against him, and make a police report, after having done that, see if there is a spouse abuse center in your town, if not where is the closest one, they can provide a place to stay for you and your children that is safe, and they can help you to get a job, and a permanent place to live. If you have a lifeskills in your area it might be a good idea to go there for counseling, alone if you have to. I urge you to heed the advice that has been given, it is easier on the outside looking in than the other way around, and you are in danger. Jesus please help this woman to know what to do, and protect her from harm, and her children, bring this man down two notches, and help him to want to get the proper help that he so desperately needs, amen. We do not want you to become a statistic, and your children to become wards of the court.
 

Sarabrao

Junior Member
Nov 21, 2015
18
0
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#22
Dear ,
I am sorry about your situation , I can relate to your situation , my husband and I went from arguing almost every day , first it was about cleaning ,endless cheating and no remorse to separation . when I realise that he actually didn't love me anymore as much as I tried , he was always looking for something or reason to put me down .
I got tired and decided to get my life back , I first worked on my relationship with God , I needed to have HIM unconditionally in my life , to understand HIS word , essence and I am more and more closer to HIM but unfortunately I am divorcing my husband , I got a job which will allow me to take care of my kids and I and if HE decides that I can have a good God fearing man I believe I will .
I hope my history will guide you some way but once violence starts it becomes unhealthy for you and your kids .
 
Nov 12, 2015
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#23
You could leave a message at the church. You don't have to wait until next sunday, do you? And you could find a helpline for abused women to talk with someone there about what options and help are available in your area. At least just so that you're armed with that knowledge for the next time. And there WILL be a next time.
 
Nov 12, 2015
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#24
And a lot of churches have weds night bible study. You could show up to one and ask for help, even from a different church.
 
Nov 12, 2015
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#25
In fact, you can look online for the different churches in your area and find their phone numbers and the times of their services and bible studies, to go when you know people will be there.
 
Nov 12, 2015
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#26
I got from your first post that you lost a child? If I understood that correctly, may I ask how long ago that was?
 
Feb 22, 2017
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#27
I'm glad you took the liberty to unload this heavy burden in a place where people can share their best insight and suggestions.
We are all outsiders looking in and see things differently than you do, but I think you have painted a very clear picture of where this might be headed. It is imperative you see this for what it is, and make plans to take care of yourself. You do not have any control over your husbands choices to hurt you, but you do have choices to remain or leave him because of these threats.

Start calling around now. Either to a hotline worker, a pastor, a counselor, or trusted friend who has the wisdom to direct you. Get help now. There is no reason to wait. I know this must be turning your world completely up-side-down, but you must protect yourself.

Lord I pray for my friend now who is reaching out for guidance. I ask you now to take hold of this situation, and lead her to the answers she needs. Our hope is in you Jesus, and I pray she will find the courage to step out and do what must be done to protect herself. Please be with her during this fragile time. Protect her heart and let her know you are there. Amen.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,070
1,605
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Florida
#29
Being a Sunday school teacher does not necessarily equip a man to be a loving and faithful husband. I urge you to seek a shelter for battered wives before he seriously hurts you. I understand that you may not be in a financial situation to actually move out on your own but there must be agencies in your area that will help you. You may need to get a protective court order as well. There are others here in the situation that you're in so please know that you're not alone in this. I will say a prayer for you. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
 
Nov 12, 2015
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#30
Wingedeagle;354148:)1 said:
I had miscarriages in 2011 amd 2012.
I'm sorry. Two beautiful children now though. :)
I feel awful for you that you are going through this. Go to a church for help, please, please. Sometimes they can help you get on your feet and maybe even one of them can help you with a job, housing, food, etc. I know how scary it is to have no money and have your marriage fall apart. Just put feelers out in case you need help later even. Just to know what help there is for you. There's secular help too in the way of assistance programs. Use them!
 
Nov 12, 2015
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#31
Every time you feel scared, talk to God. Ask Him for everything you need.
 
Apr 22, 2017
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#32
Good Choice Sister,By mercy and truth is iniquity purged,a man that loves his wife loves his own flesh!
Jesus is his head if he will but obey truth.Hitting you is carnal arguing loud with him is carnal.
his willingness to sit and discuss and share his heart concerning the siduation is
promising . Listen more to
h i s needs from his perspective patiently. One step at a time. Shalom
 

EarnestQ

Senior Member
Apr 28, 2016
2,491
240
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#33
I know of someone who had a great personality. But over the course of several years she became bitter, resentful, vindictive and no longer able to communicate rationally. Turns out she had a brain tumor that was damaging her brain.

There may be medical reasons for the drastic changes.

Also, have things been especially stressful for him over the years? That can also damage the brain and cause personality changes.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,820
110
63
#34
You have 3 choices, leave, fight back, or clean the house. I'd personally tell him to pack his own freaking lunch, your his wife not his mama. You can tell him to get counseling to control his anger, and if he refuses, you want him out. Tell him to wash the car and that your going to stand over him with a frying pan, if the car isn't cleaned to your satisfaction, your going to crack him over the head. Then tell him that its an example of how your feel all the time, you getting smacked when the house isn't cleaned to his satisfaction. Tell him the next time he raises a hand against you, no sex for 3 months.

Protect yourself, if it happens again, call the police and they'll haul him to jail. While he's in jail, get a restraining order. If you get a good attorney, you won't need money to leave, the court will let you and the kids stay in the house and require him to pay the mortgage and child support. Let him know there will be serious repercussions and you won't be a victim of his temper again. Your not the reason your being used as a punching bag, he's got control issues that have nothing to do with you. You might also want to call his parents and tell them that their little boy is beating the hell out of his wife.

I'm obviously a fan of fighting back :)
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
1,190
43
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#35
There are two kinds of mistakes that ruin our lives, the choices we made and the choices we didn’t make. This man you married didn’t want to be a husband and father. He married you to look after him, like earlier stated, a mama. Your role as a mother to your daughters surfaced his egomaniacal behaviour. It’s not that he should control his temper, his anger shouldn’t even be there. It’s a symptom of his complete and utter lack of love and empathy. It’s not if he will attack your babies, it’s when. He will attack them, and in his mind it will be their fault. He’s a sociopath plain and simple. He doesn’t love you, nor can he. His display of remorse is a control mechanism. The fate of you and your daughters is in your hands. There is help out there. Does it suck? Absolutely! He won’t get better, he doesn’t want to. He wants you to clean his house. He will escalate until this end is met. If he thinks beating your children will get your house clean then he will and in his mind it will be your fault. Just be a mom and get the hell out of there. Money has nothing to do with it, fear does. Fear of the unknown. I’m telling you what is known. He won’t stop, it will get worse and your lack of making the choice to leave is going to ruin your life, and your daughters. Can I ask what city you live in?
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
1,190
43
48
#36
You have 3 choices, leave, fight back, or clean the house. I'd personally tell him to pack his own freaking lunch, your his wife not his mama. You can tell him to get counseling to control his anger, and if he refuses, you want him out. Tell him to wash the car and that your going to stand over him with a frying pan, if the car isn't cleaned to your satisfaction, your going to crack him over the head. Then tell him that its an example of how your feel all the time, you getting smacked when the house isn't cleaned to his satisfaction. Tell him the next time he raises a hand against you, no sex for 3 months.

Protect yourself, if it happens again, call the police and they'll haul him to jail. While he's in jail, get a restraining order. If you get a good attorney, you won't need money to leave, the court will let you and the kids stay in the house and require him to pay the mortgage and child support. Let him know there will be serious repercussions and you won't be a victim of his temper again. Your not the reason your being used as a punching bag, he's got control issues that have nothing to do with you. You might also want to call his parents and tell them that their little boy is beating the hell out of his wife.

I'm obviously a fan of fighting back :)
Unless you are ready to kill this individual, fighting back is a poor option. “Violence begets violence.” If you want to antagonize a control freak then try to take it from them. Telling him “no sex” would probably lead to rape. He’s a violent offender as it is. Leave or kill. Those are the only viable options. In his eyes, people are objects, pets at best. His lack of owning his behaviour is telltale sociopathic.
 

posthuman

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2013
18,651
1,158
113
#37
obviously i can't speak for someone else but if i was lashing out and blaming a messy house etc i would definitely be covering up some deeper issue.

physical violence against my wife is wrong, and that's an uncontrolled temper. that's one thing. but it's not the root of what is upsetting him; it's just a symptom. for sure it's a huge issue, but reconciling the relationship is a different issue. i always want reconciliation, not divorce. but "not my call to make"

i find it hard to believe that it's really just about housecleaning or having a lunch packed.. maybe for some person that's really a huge deal they're willing to destroy/throw-away a relationship over but i really don't comprehend how it could be.

if it were me acting this way, i am sure that there would be something else that's really what's bothering me, that i'm covering up, that i don't want to talk about -- and i'm using housework etc as an excuse/outlet to vent. IMO it's whatever that hidden, deeper dissatisfaction is that y'all really need to try to talk about and get into the open. whatever it is, you two are on the same team - facing it together. you're for each other, not against each other. you can't help each other with your problems if you pretend they don't exist, and it sure sounds to me like there's something bigger than folding laundry that's stuck in the back of his mind, that he's not talking about :(


** i don't know him, or you, and i haven't got any right to throw anyone under the bus -- just giving my impression from what iv'e read **






 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#38
I know of someone who had a great personality. But over the course of several years she became bitter, resentful, vindictive and no longer able to communicate rationally. Turns out she had a brain tumor that was damaging her brain.

There may be medical reasons for the drastic changes.

Also, have things been especially stressful for him over the years? That can also damage the brain and cause personality changes.
He has clinically diagnosed adult ADD as well as anxiety and depression. 3 months after we got married and moved to a new city he lost his job and was unemployed for over two years. During that time I experienced two miscarriages. He finally found a permanent job when I was almost 6 months pregnant with our now 5yo. With her I was so sick some days I could not even open my eyes with out getting dizy and throwing up. Hubby had to do most every thing during that time. She was born healthy but my recovery was slow and it was months before I felt normal again. I was also in college at this time. Baby girl was just 20 months old when I found out I was pregnant again with her younger sister. While I was pregnant the last time; he became very unsatisfied with his job but was unable to find anything else. My grandma also passed away and my sister lost her first baby to still birth. I failed out of school and the stress of everything sent my blood pressure sky high. I ended up having an unplanned c-section and recovery was even slower than the first time. Our youngest was born healthy but after a few months began having health issues. She almost 3 now and has thankfully out grown most of her issues. We found out our house was full of mold and started having issues with our land lord refusing to fix things. We were both convinced that the poor condition of the house was part of the problem for our youngest but there was nothing we could do about it. We were finally able to move after more than a year of fighting every thing and hubby found a better job, but with no insurance. He went to a psychologist and got medicine for his ADD and depression but is not great at taking it.
 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#39
You have 3 choices, leave, fight back, or clean the house. I'd personally tell him to pack his own freaking lunch, your his wife not his mama. You can tell him to get counseling to control his anger, and if he refuses, you want him out. Tell him to wash the car and that your going to stand over him with a frying pan, if the car isn't cleaned to your satisfaction, your going to crack him over the head. Then tell him that its an example of how your feel all the time, you getting smacked when the house isn't cleaned to his satisfaction. Tell him the next time he raises a hand against you, no sex for 3 months.

Protect yourself, if it happens again, call the police and they'll haul him to jail. While he's in jail, get a restraining order. If you get a good attorney, you won't need money to leave, the court will let you and the kids stay in the house and require him to pay the mortgage and child support. Let him know there will be serious repercussions and you won't be a victim of his temper again. Your not the reason your being used as a punching bag, he's got control issues that have nothing to do with you. You might also want to call his parents and tell them that their little boy is beating the hell out of his wife.

I'm obviously a fan of fighting back :)
Thank you for your response, but it really isn't helpful. The lack of time together and limited intimacy is part of the problem. Withholding to "punish" him would only make things worse and more dangerous.

His father and step mother are not a part of our lives. So calling them to "tatel" on him would be pointless; and they would most likely laugh in my face and blame me as well. (Niether of them have ever liked me and they didn't even attend the wedding)
 

Wingedeagle

Junior Member
Apr 14, 2018
9
0
1
#40
obviously i can't speak for someone else but if i was lashing out and blaming a messy house etc i would definitely be covering up some deeper issue.

physical violence against my wife is wrong, and that's an uncontrolled temper. that's one thing. but it's not the root of what is upsetting him; it's just a symptom. for sure it's a huge issue, but reconciling the relationship is a different issue. i always want reconciliation, not divorce. but "not my call to make"

i find it hard to believe that it's really just about housecleaning or having a lunch packed.. maybe for some person that's really a huge deal they're willing to destroy/throw-away a relationship over but i really don't comprehend how it could be.

if it were me acting this way, i am sure that there would be something else that's really what's bothering me, that i'm covering up, that i don't want to talk about -- and i'm using housework etc as an excuse/outlet to vent. IMO it's whatever that hidden, deeper dissatisfaction is that y'all really need to try to talk about and get into the open. whatever it is, you two are on the same team - facing it together. you're for each other, not against each other. you can't help each other with your problems if you pretend they don't exist, and it sure sounds to me like there's something bigger than folding laundry that's stuck in the back of his mind, that he's not talking about :(


** i don't know him, or you, and i haven't got any right to throw anyone under the bus -- just giving my impression from what iv'e read **





I know there is something deeper, the things that trigger his rage are always trivial. (I used filtered water to make lemonade instead of tap; toilet paper is on the roll wrong; I didn't stack the dirty dishes correctly) Whenever I try to ask him after he is calm why he is so angey, his reasons are always related to the sate of the house and how much time the girls take up for me. He says I use them as an excuse to be lazy and not work.
I know his rage is more of a spiritual issue than he will admit. (It has been so long since he has opened his Bible, he doesn't even know where it is)