What do you do when your child cries or has tantrums?

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How do you respond to your child's tantrum?

  • I punish him (explain)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • I take him in my arms and accept the tantrum

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    5

GuessWho

Senior Member
Nov 8, 2014
1,227
34
48
#1
Hello parents!

What is your approach on child's crying (when the crying is not because of hunger, physical pain, necessity to change the diaper etc.) and on tantrums?
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
19,343
10,629
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#2
Where's the "Velcro" option? ;)
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
If you're dealing with a child that's just mad at not getting their way, i say leave them be. For a few minutes. Unless they start acting out (destroying property, saying nasty things, hitting, etc) then the more attention you give them and the more it feeds the tantrum. Once they are calmed down, then sit with them and calmly explain your reasons (even if they know already). It reinforces the rules, it helps them feel connected with you after the disconnect and will help calm them further.
Arguing or yelling only fuel the behavior. To repeat yourself during the tantrum, over and over, is fruitless and only drags the tantrum out. As long as they have your attention they believe they have a chance. It's only once they realize the tantrum gets them nothing at all, does it eventually stop. Otherwise they continue as they get older, possibly even as adults.
And NEVER give in. Every time you give in to a tantrum you are training your child 'yelling and screaming and cry will get you your way'. Even if you don't do it every time, if you do it sometimes they know there's a chance, so they will continue.
 

GuessWho

Senior Member
Nov 8, 2014
1,227
34
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#4
Unless they start acting out (destroying property, saying nasty things, hitting, etc) then the more attention you give them and the more it feeds the tantrum.
What do you do if he destroys property, hit you, hurt himself, say nasty things etc.?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#5
Anytime a child gets rude with you, especially, but anyone in general, an immediate (or soon as possible) punishment should go into effect. Much of this behavior is about A) attention and B) trying to find what methods get them what they want. This is especially obvious in the 2-3 year age (hence the terrible twos), but can still continue into older ages. Or if they're a little older they may have found it to be effective so they continue it.
I realized, as an adult, that i was often very manipulative to get my way. Not always, but when i felt i needed. Because, growing up, i often felt my voice didn't count, i had to find other ways to get what i wanted. For me, it was subtlety and playing on emotions. Some learn to use anger and fits. Or other ways.
The more steady and consistent you are, and the less emotionally you respond, the less room they can find to use their version of manipulating.

If they child is young, time outs are among the most popular methods. A time out requires a child to be apart from anyone else, and to sit quietly. No talking, and do not talk to them. And if they get up, just move them back and minimize your interaction. They should already know, ahead of time, that they will not be allowed off until they sit the full X minutes properly.
As far as hitting themselves, i'm less sure of how to handle that. Often times it is just an attempt to get attention.

Some good resources, if you are able to get them there, is Boundaries With Children by Townsend/Cloud. And, it may sound silly, but a great way to learn about this stuff is look for a show called Supernanny. I believe there are English and US versions. I have learned a lot through watching her.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,531
5,061
113
#6
Man, if I destroyed property, hit mom, hurt myself or said nasty things... I shudder to think what would happen. She would only pop me upside the head if dad didn't beat her to it. Neither one of them would have stood for that kind of junk.

Not that I would have done any of those things... but if I had, I can extrapolate what would have happened. And I would have deserved it.

And Ugly is right about not occasionally giving in. Actually if you reward behavior only SOMETIMES it is a stronger reinforcement than rewarding it ALWAYS. Because they keep hanging onto "Maybe this is one of the times she'll give in if I keep on long enough."
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
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#8
Ug and perhaps a few others get 'it'...'Honor your Father and your Mother',
and yes, this has to be a generational thing, for it will not happen in today's world...
 

jenniferand2

Senior Member
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#9
Hello parents!

What is your approach on child's crying (when the crying is not because of hunger, physical pain, necessity to change the diaper etc.) and on tantrums?
the best thing to do is ignore the behavior at the same time making sure they are safe of course.. Acknowledging bad behavior is a no no. then after they are done with the tantrum you sit them down and explain to them that the behavior they just had is wrong and not acceptable. i just saw the perfect video the other day i will see if i can find it.
 

jenniferand2

Senior Member
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#10
What do you do if he destroys property, hit you, hurt himself, say nasty things etc.?

you take him to a mental health therapist as soon as possible he needs professional help it is beyond you now....
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
109
0
#11
I went through this when my son was young. The psychologist we saw showed me how to control it by hugging him, basically I would come up behind him, gently cross his arms in front of his chest, wrap my arms around his front and hold him, it helped a lot. He would actually calm down. You can google ideas, you might find some resources there as well.
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,888
1,220
113
#12
Hello parents!

What is your approach on child's crying (when the crying is not because of hunger, physical pain, necessity to change the diaper etc.) and on tantrums?
Hi guess,
Sometimes i ignored, at other times i also try to talk to understand the young child. Looking back, and our youngest is now a teen, i did not see that much tantrum when they were small. This is not boasting, but hubby, who has a different approach to me, could stop them crying or acting up with a look or stern word. It is different when he wss not there of course=). Distracting them from what they want which they cannot have, or giving alternatives helped most of them to see there are options and not to focus or dwell on the cant-haves. For example, a child may want to bang on the piano but that is a no-no, so we can give another, quieter instrument or toy and explain gently. Often they give in. Husband said i seem to be much better at handling small kids than when they got to be pre-teens and teens!

It may be time to wake up from a nap when it is too long, and i had the habit of waking up our young ones at abt 3 pm, for ive personally experienced being allowed to sleep unli (unlimited) in the afternoon as a young child (maybe 3-6yrs), so that i was awake a long time at night not knowing what to do, then waking late again n the morning=(. As i gently woke them up, they got used to that and didnt take a long time to rise in the afternoon esp when there was a snack ready, or they are called to play. They also had rather early bed time, so it was not hard to put them to sleep at night as well when lights were turned off.
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
3,477
298
83
#13
Hello parents!

What is your approach on child's crying (when the crying is not because of hunger, physical pain, necessity to change the diaper etc.) and on tantrums?
it really depends on the child, and the circumstances. some children get angry quickly and often; others don't. when a child who doesn't has a tantrum, i'd handle it differently to a child who frequently has them.

nobody likes their will crossed, including kids. (sin nature)
i normally tried to talk to my kids before the tantrum, as one can see them coming. that helped a lot, just letting them know WHY they couldn't have what they wanted at a particular moment. of course, explanations cannot always be provided. sometimes it just comes down to "because i said so". ;)

infants cry. normally little babies do not cry for 'no reason'. it can make you want to snatch yourself bald (haha) but it's their only way of communication. it's hard at times to discern why, but it's your job as a parent to do so. i don't think i ever had an infant cry for reasons other than the ones you listed. have you seen this? i'm curious. :)
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,459
2,639
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#14
My kids never dared have temper tantrums! They would have caught it from both of us! My daughter wasn't that type, the boys were tough and rough, but they knew right from wrong at an early age. Probably because we taught them.

We have excellent relationships with them, probably because children are more happy knowing the boundaries than getting away with murder. The exception might be children with autism. Sometimes, they lose it. But it is very different than a temper tantrum. Knowing that is important. And children can and do learn from other children the rewards of tantrums. So never forget the influence of children on each other.
 

mailmandan

Senior Member
Apr 7, 2014
22,153
10,954
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#15
If you don't give children boundaries they will run you over! If I threw a tantrum when I was a child, my dad didn't hesitate to give me something to cry about and that ended that! :eek:

 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#16
Make sure that they are safe and then go about my business. when they are ready they will come to me and we can talk about their feelings, needs, and wants. You can't negotiate with someone who won't listen or speak coherently.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,270
367
83
#17
Hello parents!

What is your approach on child's crying (when the crying is not because of hunger, physical pain, necessity to change the diaper etc.) and on tantrums?
I ignore tantrums that are in the child's control. You know because they pause to look for your response, then scream louder. But if it is too far gone- if they are thrashing around (not just kicking the floor or stomping). Then I sit on the floor, holding the child on my lap, creating a cage-like hold to where they can move, but they can't get up, hit, or kick me. Then I let them finish screaming their head off until they stop. Those who can't physically do this can put a car seat on the floor, against a wall so it can't tip over, fasten them in, and they can't cause harm to themselves or others.

Never, never give in to a tantrum. A tantrum means an automatic "no". Do not let them bully you into getting what they want. "No" should never mean "Maybe- if you scream louder and I give up."

Always remain calm, and speak calmly, durring a tantrum. If you're not calm how can you expect them to be? It also lets the child know they are not the authority- you are, and they can't play you like a puppet to get what they want. It's shameful, I see it everywhere. Like in the store a ten year old bossing his parents around, telling them when they can leave and what they will or will not buy, and they submit to his demands. Shameful!

Remain in control instead of being controlled.
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,964
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#18
a child's tantrums start right after birth, they want to survive and they want their Mother's milk...

look what satan has done in this area from the garden to now!!!
 

Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
17,441
1,839
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#19
I have never had any children but I have babysit many times, depending on the kid depends on the way to deal with the crying and the tantrum, some kids are used to getting their way when they do it so sometimes you have be firm and refuse to give in to their tantrum and if they see it bothers you then that will only make them do it more some kids react differently some will change their method and start trying to annoy you another way others will become violent in both cases it's vital to remain calm and never let your emotions get to you because anger can easily rise up in this situation which only make it worse.

When a kid realizes you are not some pushover and no matter how they act you always remain calm even when you punish them it confuses them and may make them start to like you. Punishment varies for different children I never go to the spanking method but kids hate it when you make them have to sit still for a period of time others are very much into their video games or the t.v. or a toy of theirs and taking what is precious to them really does the trick and if they can be good and earn it back then you give it back but if they act up again then take it back for a longer period and if the cycle continues then add five minutes every time.

But again every kid is different there have been some that just utterly exhaust me
 

GuessWho

Senior Member
Nov 8, 2014
1,227
34
48
#20
Thank you all for your responses.

I am reading the book Tears and tantrums by Aletha Solter, and she says that we shouldn't try to stop a child from crying, because he is expressing his feelings of anger, frustrations, sadness, physical or emotional pain etc. and crying is beneficial, just like laughter is; she means the crying that is not related to hunger, thirst, necessity of changing the diaper etc.

On tantrums, she said that we should accept them (which is not the equivalent of giving in) and hold them in our arms (for the same reasons mentioned by Fenner and shrimp - to protect them from harming themselves, us or those around) and let them yell out their frustration and anger.

My girl is only 7 months and a half, so, I can't quite say that I am dealing with tantrums, but her pediatrician said she was a bit hysterical (because she cries and yells when somebody, other than me, holds her), so I got worried and it made me want to get prepared for what is to come.