When Family Attacks

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Dec 1, 2018
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#61
Round two of this issue with my aunt. Last week my father wrote to her and my uncle saying enough was enough and the feud needed to end. He sent the email and almost instantly got a call back. My uncle said simply "we want to end it". They talked a little further and then my father asked if my aunt felt the same way to which she said yes. So everything was done and over. I unblocked them from FB right away.

Well I was speaking to my today and he asked me if I would consider unblocking my aunt. I informed him I already had,several days ago. We hung up and I thought "You know I unblocked her several days ago. And she thanked me and said I could talk when I felt comfortable." So I called my father again and it all came out that she has been talking to him. She started all over again with the issue and not understanding why they were blocked. They have been talking for several days,my father not knowing I had unblocked her already. I want peace,I want it to end but she seems unwilling to let it go,even though they both said they wanted to end it.I have other pressing issues I have to deal with right now and I can't deal with family drama,which seems constant lately. I hate it because I love spending time with family.I've lost a lot of my family to cancer. But the drama is making me ill and very unhappy. Just do not know how to nail this issue shut, for good.
I had an issue with a family member. But in our case, there's no bible verse involved LOL.
Both of us know enough not to include the holy scriptures in our squabble.
Our fight was so intense even my parents felt the heat. I unfriended this person on FB, as well as blocked on my phone.
This person's spouse can always contact me though, that line is always open.
The one frustrating thing to me was the fact that this person doesn't understand what they did was wrong! the family that surrounds us get it, they even tried to tell this person why I was so angry but there's that level of understanding and this person has none.

It's like this person lives in another dimension while we live in a normal world. They just don't get it!
That used to really anger me when I think about it and it stressed me so much. I used to just let this person bully me, I guess u could say. Other people can't bully me but this family member can and did even with my siblings. But every person has a limit and in order for them to stop you have to stand your ground. I still have that love for this family member even when I intentionally distanced myself.

This is already self preservation for me. With all the personal problems I had, I can't add anymore and I was crying to my dad about that. I'm close to my dad than my mom and when I tell what's happening in my life and felt bad about something, it's always my dad.
My mom's cool too but my dad is very understanding and logical.

My dad was also concerned about our feud because it's been way too long but he understood when I finally broke down and told him everything and how I felt. You know the saying, 'too much familiarity breeds contempt'? well, that pretty much says it.

It's been a couple of years and my decision to distance myself and give this person total silence paid off.
We had that so called truce that I enforced. Now, our argument is no longer a big deal and while we may have that coolness between us, there's that, 'Hi, how ya doing?' and 'hope your well' kinda thing. We are no longer close and that's okay with me.

I can't take any more craziness in my life, I'm more than enough ;)

I read the others who commented here and I agree with most of them. You can't change a person. That's not your job. If they are incapable of understanding and admitting they made a mistake that has nothing to do with you.
It's all about their fragile ego and the fact that they had to be right every time. They have this warped perception of reality and nothing you can do and say will change it. You and everybody else is wrong and she is right.

You can pray for them and you can pray for yourself too. For patience.

For you to remove the toxic in your life, that's not a bad thing.
Your aunt's husband has been run over many times over the years he probably lost count. And she wanted you to be the same. To just say, 'yes, yes, I agree'. She included your father in the mix to make sure you feel the heat, so he's worried too. My advise is, if you haven't already, talk to your dad and explain to him why this is your decision and why you just can't acquiesce to this woman's demand every time. Distance yourself from this toxic person and apply the code of silence. Works every time. If you don't say anything, there's no rebuttal, no misunderstanding no going round round the same issue again.

You just need to have that self control not to break your code of silence. With that kind of person, she'll do anything to make you break it so you'll say something bad and then she'll say , 'See!! you're a horrible person'. Or something like that.
Pray you don't.

I hope your family will understand where you're coming from and accept your decision, whatever it is. Good luck!
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
1,233
1,048
113
#62
Kaylagrl,
you've received so much good advice - I pray that things are getting better for YOU emotionally and I pray that our lord blesses you with the ability to SEE and appreciate your scenario thru the 'Serenity Prayer'...
Bottomline is that you can only control the things within your control and striving to be the BEST version of YOURSELF and praying for the strength to seize the high road and recognize that that is about all that you can and could ever be expected to do in HIS eyes...

- You have to accept that nothing you can say and nothing that you do will ever change the temperment/mindset of such people.
- Make no mistake - her lack of sleep has nothing to do with any positive emotion feelings of remorse or sensitivity. Her lack of sleep is do to her perceived 'lack of control' and 'disrespect' that she has endured... Unfortunately, she is only able to see the world thru HER self-centered prism...
- Once you are able to acknowledge her true colors and accept her for all of her faults and limitations (it takes time and patience) than and only then will you be able to find a means to cope and co-exist...

How did the letter go? How was it received?
Here is a proposed 'high road' course of action:
- send her a spiritually inspired greeting card with the context (with something to the extent) below; knowing that it will remain your best intention to maintain a safe distance from her toxicity - until you are able to find the means to acknowledge her for who/what she is (pray for her weaknesses):

"My dearest beloved Auntee Wannabee,
I wanted to reach out to you in an effort to reconcile and re embrace the magnificence of our Lord's blessed love for our family. I pray that our lord touches your heart such that you know that I am immensely sorry for anything that I have said or done that has offended you. I also forgive you for the hurt that I allowed my heart to feel - knowing how close and loving a relationship that we had built. For the benefit of our family, I pray that we are able to continue - with HIS blessings to move forward as a peaceful, loving and respectful family.
I pray you are able to find peace within your heart to forgive me...
God Bless you, Kaylagrl"
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
459
85
28
#63
Round two of this issue with my aunt. Last week my father wrote to her and my uncle saying enough was enough and the feud needed to end. He sent the email and almost instantly got a call back. My uncle said simply "we want to end it". They talked a little further and then my father asked if my aunt felt the same way to which she said yes. So everything was done and over. I unblocked them from FB right away.

Well I was speaking to my today and he asked me if I would consider unblocking my aunt. I informed him I already had,several days ago. We hung up and I thought "You know I unblocked her several days ago. And she thanked me and said I could talk when I felt comfortable." So I called my father again and it all came out that she has been talking to him. She started all over again with the issue and not understanding why they were blocked. They have been talking for several days,my father not knowing I had unblocked her already. I want peace,I want it to end but she seems unwilling to let it go,even though they both said they wanted to end it.I have other pressing issues I have to deal with right now and I can't deal with family drama,which seems constant lately. I hate it because I love spending time with family.I've lost a lot of my family to cancer. But the drama is making me ill and very unhappy. Just do not know how to nail this issue shut, for good.

Sounds like you need to part ways with them, block them and don't look back, just enjoy the time you have with the family that you do get a long with.

When anyone asks, just tell them, it's not possible to live peaceably with them and have chosen to cut ties with them to avoid a lot of unnecessary fights and feuds.

I think I should cut ties with my mother to be honest, just got a phone call from her today and according to her, my problems are all my fault and I set myself up to fail in life.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
1,233
1,048
113
#64
Sounds like you need to part ways with them, block them and don't look back, just enjoy the time you have with the family that you do get a long with.

When anyone asks, just tell them, it's not possible to live peaceably with them and have chosen to cut ties with them to avoid a lot of unnecessary fights and feuds.

I think I should cut ties with my mother to be honest, just got a phone call from her today and according to her, my problems are all my fault and I set myself up to fail in life.
Ya, according to Ivanla from "Fix My Life" from the OWN network everyone/every family inherently have their own Family Pathology... IE we all have learned some behavioral characteristics from our parents and they from theirs etc etc... Sometimes good, and sometimes not so much...
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
459
85
28
#65
Ya, according to Ivanla from "Fix My Life" from the OWN network everyone/every family inherently have their own Family Pathology... IE we all have learned some behavioral characteristics from our parents and they from theirs etc etc... Sometimes good, and sometimes not so much...
Yeah it's hereditary, If your parents don't have kids, you won't either lol
Actually in psychology, it's called learned behaviour, I am not an expert, but I do own a book on abnormal psychology.

Actually it ties into Proverbs, Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
 

Ellorah

Well-known member
Jan 28, 2019
433
664
93
26
South Carolina
#66
First, don't argue. With anyone. Say your peace and stand your ground. If she is being pushy its ok to say hey Auntie, you are making me feel as if I'm being pushed into a corner. Lets see if we can find some common ground. Be the voice of reason and the dove of Peace. If she likes chocolate being her candy. Tell her while you disagree with the situation she is still family. If she isn't open to sensible conversation forgive her and move on. Just as Christ does for us. He forgives us abundantly and still loves us even when we are pushy and stubborn. Hope this helps!
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,543
6,715
113
#67
Bring her candy? Somehow I don't think that's gonna help solve the problem...
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,027
1,964
113
#69
First, don't argue. With anyone. Say your peace and stand your ground. If she is being pushy its ok to say hey Auntie, you are making me feel as if I'm being pushed into a corner. Lets see if we can find some common ground. Be the voice of reason and the dove of Peace. If she likes chocolate being her candy. Tell her while you disagree with the situation she is still family. If she isn't open to sensible conversation forgive her and move on. Just as Christ does for us. He forgives us abundantly and still loves us even when we are pushy and stubborn. Hope this helps!
She lives in a different country. But I agree with the rest of what you said. :)
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,027
1,964
113
#70
So a quick update. I unblocked my uncle and aunt on Facebook. They told my father they wanted to forget the issues and move on. But when I contacted my aunt she made it clear things were not solved between she and I. So I wrote back and told her we could rehash it all or admit that we all got hurt and ruffled feather and leave it alone and move on from here. She wrote back and simply said she agreed. I thought things were ok but I wrote a couple days ago and got no response. So I guess that's where it lies. I don't like it,I want things settled but I can't make that happen. Just have to move on.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#71
So a quick update. I unblocked my uncle and aunt on Facebook. They told my father they wanted to forget the issues and move on. But when I contacted my aunt she made it clear things were not solved between she and I. So I wrote back and told her we could rehash it all or admit that we all got hurt and ruffled feather and leave it alone and move on from here. She wrote back and simply said she agreed. I thought things were ok but I wrote a couple days ago and got no response. So I guess that's where it lies. I don't like it,I want things settled but I can't make that happen. Just have to move on.

you probably have the right motive in wanting things settled but I have come to the conclusion over the last years that if that is the wish of only one of the participants it will not be happening

sorry I don't know if these relatives are saved or not? have not read enough to know

I have no doubt that God addresses all of us but our responses are obviously far from all the same

the excuses people give for how they behave never absolves anyone of anything.

it is my personal conclusion that we really are better off just letting some folks go....I have hurt enough over that to know what I am saying and I will go so far as to say that in some cases, God, who sees the hearts of all...their motives...thoughts...everything...cuts the relationship in ways we cannot mend it and He does so out of kindness and mercy like a parent who tells the child not to put their hand on the hot stove

time exposes what is really going on inside a person

don't be fooled...watch and pray and let people be who they are

God has all the time in the world and people will show you who they are. yes it hurts. :(

you know, even if you could or can smooth things over, whatever is the underlying issue will only come up again. so if a person is not desirous of being honest or just wants a quick fix, sooner or later, it will only be like putting a band-aid on something that needed the infection cleaned out and then stitches put in and antibiotics taken

long story. hope it helps
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,027
1,964
113
#72
you probably have the right motive in wanting things settled but I have come to the conclusion over the last years that if that is the wish of only one of the participants it will not be happening

sorry I don't know if these relatives are saved or not? have not read enough to know

I have no doubt that God addresses all of us but our responses are obviously far from all the same

the excuses people give for how they behave never absolves anyone of anything.

it is my personal conclusion that we really are better off just letting some folks go....I have hurt enough over that to know what I am saying and I will go so far as to say that in some cases, God, who sees the hearts of all...their motives...thoughts...everything...cuts the relationship in ways we cannot mend it and He does so out of kindness and mercy like a parent who tells the child not to put their hand on the hot stove

time exposes what is really going on inside a person

don't be fooled...watch and pray and let people be who they are

God has all the time in the world and people will show you who they are. yes it hurts. :(

you know, even if you could or can smooth things over, whatever is the underlying issue will only come up again. so if a person is not desirous of being honest or just wants a quick fix, sooner or later, it will only be like putting a band-aid on something that needed the infection cleaned out and then stitches put in and antibiotics taken

long story. hope it helps

It helps if I can get it in my head and let it go. I think I got it from my mother, wanting to be the peacemaker. But you're right,it's only a band-aid. The drama is just under the surface. I've just pulled back and am letting it be. The issue is I have more than one person in the family that acts this way so it's like whack a mole. Just get one thing settled and someone else starts up. Honestly it's mentally exhausting. The thing is,they all claim to be Christians,but their tongues are like swords. It's sad to see adults act this way.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,064
3,440
113
#73
It helps if I can get it in my head and let it go. I think I got it from my mother, wanting to be the peacemaker. But you're right,it's only a band-aid. The drama is just under the surface. I've just pulled back and am letting it be. The issue is I have more than one person in the family that acts this way so it's like whack a mole. Just get one thing settled and someone else starts up. Honestly it's mentally exhausting. The thing is,they all claim to be Christians,but their tongues are like swords. It's sad to see adults act this way.

I understand

I have that head thing going on too

I'm limping already. enough with the wrestling! :LOL:

you know and I know...we can only take care of how we respond and go to God for our thoughts and things that we wrestle with

it's uphill

I hear you about the Christian thing too. what the Bible says about the tongue is true
 

Desertsrose

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2016
2,816
202
63
#74
Hi Kayla, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I will pray for reconciliation between the two of you.