When Family Attacks

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
Dec 31, 2015
4,290
430
83
#41
Family and close friends; its always the ones closest that hurt us the most.
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
459
85
28
#42
Thank you. All excellent advice. Trying to take it all to heart and not let it bring me down. I wish I was the person that could just ignore it and go on. For now I'm just trying to stay quiet and wait till she calms down. Give her some time to think. But you all have had great advice,I'm glad I posted this. It's helped me a lot.
You are very welcome, it's just another useless talent lol. Hold in there, I am sure things will get better for you, That is a great idea, your doing the right thing. Thank you and I'm glad I could help.
 
Jan 16, 2019
40
38
18
#43
You cannot change her, nor should you try. I'm sure you know that but I'm just clarifying. What do you want from her? Do you want her to address her grievances face to face rather than on social media, for example. Let's say it is as simple as that. Then, what consequences are you willing to put into place if she disrespects your wishes? Once you know what you want of her and can communicate that and what will happen if she crosses the line, then you can have a conversation with her. In this conversation, you treat her with kindness, obviously. You say something like, when you said/did this, I felt sad/mad/emarrassed/etc. From now on, I'd prefer (state desired behavior). If you are unwilling or unable to afford me this than I must (state consequence). Then, do not react to the fit she WILL throw. Listen to her. Show kindness. Pray for her. Stay your ground and unflappable. GL.
 
Jan 16, 2019
40
38
18
#44
By the way, Google Out Of The Fog. Lots of information on the various tactics she is using.
 
Jan 16, 2019
40
38
18
#45
Boundaries! That's the name of the game with toxic people. Set boundaries. So anyone can participate in my life at their own level because I have these boundaries. I don't have to argue, I don't have to win, I don't have to participate with their toxic behavior. A few words that help;
They aren't here to discuss it so I'm not discussing it.
It's not my business and not yours either.
You have been drinking, call me tomorrow.
I have enough trouble running my own life.
People only get that angry because they think too much of themselves.
You can Google scripture...Google a commentary on those scriptures then we will have coffee.

Do you see what I mean. Crazy makers are only happy when they can make folks crazy. Don't play along. Act as though nothing is wrong, don't demand an apology or anything else. You can train people how to act around you by being a rock. Have boundaries and when they are breeched send the offenders away, or walk away from them.

Exactly.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,040
1,967
113
#46
You cannot change her, nor should you try. I'm sure you know that but I'm just clarifying. What do you want from her? Do you want her to address her grievances face to face rather than on social media, for example. Let's say it is as simple as that. Then, what consequences are you willing to put into place if she disrespects your wishes? Once you know what you want of her and can communicate that and what will happen if she crosses the line, then you can have a conversation with her. In this conversation, you treat her with kindness, obviously. You say something like, when you said/did this, I felt sad/mad/emarrassed/etc. From now on, I'd prefer (state desired behavior). If you are unwilling or unable to afford me this than I must (state consequence). Then, do not react to the fit she WILL throw. Listen to her. Show kindness. Pray for her. Stay your ground and unflappable. GL.

I think it will take a while before we can even get that far. She spoke to both my parents and they said she was so angry they couldn't even understand what she was saying. So I guess my only bet right now is to stay quiet. I will Google your link. Thanks
 
Jan 6, 2019
28
18
3
Somewhere
#47
I've had a run in recently with my aunt. (fathers SIL) She is a very outspoken person and known to lose her temper to the post of giving that person a good cussing out. Now she and my uncle just started attending church a year or so ago. She and I became really close just the last few years. But now we've had a serious run in and I'm not sure how to make peace with her without letting her think she can blast me one when she disagrees with me.

The thing is she got involved in another family matter that wasn't her business. Then she told me I was bitter,un-Christian and unforgiving even though she knew nothing about the situation or what was said. She informed me she "knew the Bible too" and sent me verses on forgiving. I was at a total loss and then she called my mother and let slip that she had Googled the Bible verses. Now I've never used the Bible against my uncle and aunt,even though they weren't Christians all these years. Never threw Scripture at them,never made them feel like they were sinners. So I have no idea where this all came from. Then she gets on FB and starts posting things against me,you know how people do,not saying it was me but acting like "I'm mad at someone,guess who?"

All that to say this,how do you make peace with a person that never apologizes and believes they are 100% right. My uncle is afraid of setting her off. She called my father, and said she hasn't slept in three nights and she wants to settle it between us. I blocked her on FB because I didn't see talking was going to solve the issue. I told my hubby I don't want family drama this year and not even a week in and this happens. Now I have my father wanting me to make peace and I'd like to,but I don't see it happening unless I take all the blame and say I was wrong. Any thoughts on how to handle it. Any HELPFUL,not judging thoughts? lol
Hi Kaylagrl, I know exactly how you feel. I have a family member who's exactly the same way as your aunt. Your aunt has a Legalistic (Religious) spirit with matters of scripture. With that, opens the door to Pride (Python) spirit. They think their so super spiritual and quote the same verses every time always out of context, but does not matter because what they say is gospel. She thinks her power is in her words and people who are this way can't see they cause more harm than good. At moments, I'm sure she's nice and sweet. There's more I can add, but you get my point.

So what do you do and how do you handle it? By ending topics of Biblical discussions that set her off. If she wants to start talking about matters of the Bible, you give your answer and leave it at that. If she didn't like your response and can tell she's about to start arguing, do not participate in the trap. People this way love arguements and will do anything to prove their right even when you know their wrong. Just have casual talks about the day and positive stories you know she likes. As for the other stuff, try to exhibit Godly character and speak soft answers. For it turns away wrath. If the relationship is very bad that it's like stepping on eggshells, then you might have to distance yourself or limit your time with her. I'll be praying for you Kaylagrl.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,040
1,967
113
#48
Hi Kaylagrl, I know exactly how you feel. I have a family member who's exactly the same way as your aunt. Your aunt has a Legalistic (Religious) spirit with matters of scripture. With that, opens the door to Pride (Python) spirit. They think their so super spiritual and quote the same verses every time always out of context, but does not matter because what they say is gospel. She thinks her power is in her words and people who are this way can't see they cause more harm than good. At moments, I'm sure she's nice and sweet. There's more I can add, but you get my point.

So what do you do and how do you handle it? By ending topics of Biblical discussions that set her off. If she wants to start talking about matters of the Bible, you give your answer and leave it at that. If she didn't like your response and can tell she's about to start arguing, do not participate in the trap. People this way love arguements and will do anything to prove their right even when you know their wrong. Just have casual talks about the day and positive stories you know she likes. As for the other stuff, try to exhibit Godly character and speak soft answers. For it turns away wrath. If the relationship is very bad that it's like stepping on eggshells, then you might have to distance yourself or limit your time with her. I'll be praying for you Kaylagrl.
She can be a very nice person,we were close. But she turns very quickly. She really has little understanding of the Bible. But what she knows she uses as a weapon. So far I've remained silent and so has she. Not sure how it will turn out. I know she's waiting on me to take all the blame because that is what her family does. Or they just avoid her. Again I appreciate all the great advice. It will help me when she does decide to speak again.
 
Jan 6, 2019
28
18
3
Somewhere
#49
She can be a very nice person,we were close. But she turns very quickly. She really has little understanding of the Bible. But what she knows she uses as a weapon. So far I've remained silent and so has she. Not sure how it will turn out. I know she's waiting on me to take all the blame because that is what her family does. Or they just avoid her. Again I appreciate all the great advice. It will help me when she does decide to speak again.
Kaylagrl, I apologize if I was too strong. For me, I had to put up with similar traits from my family member for years and still has not changed. I identify with what your going through. I understand she's family and it would be hard to temporarily cut communication for peace. A great verse that comes to mind is in MATTHEW 10:19-20 Declaring God's promises over yourself will equip you to be ready for anything! Shalom sister in Christ
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,040
1,967
113
#50
Kaylagrl, I apologize if I was too strong. For me, I had to put up with similar traits from my family member for years and still has not changed. I identify with what your going through. I understand she's family and it would be hard to temporarily cut communication for peace. A great verse that comes to mind is in MATTHEW 10:19-20 Declaring God's promises over yourself will equip you to be ready for anything! Shalom sister in Christ
No,you weren't too strong at all. You gave good advice. When someone has gone through the situation I think they can see what is happening more clearly. At her age I know she won't change unless the Lord really gets a hold of her. Thank you for sharing your thoughts,it's very helpful. Blessings!
 

blueluna5

Active member
Jul 30, 2018
153
85
28
#51
I've had a run in recently with my aunt. (fathers SIL) She is a very outspoken person and known to lose her temper to the post of giving that person a good cussing out. Now she and my uncle just started attending church a year or so ago. She and I became really close just the last few years. But now we've had a serious run in and I'm not sure how to make peace with her without letting her think she can blast me one when she disagrees with me.

The thing is she got involved in another family matter that wasn't her business. Then she told me I was bitter,un-Christian and unforgiving even though she knew nothing about the situation or what was said. She informed me she "knew the Bible too" and sent me verses on forgiving. I was at a total loss and then she called my mother and let slip that she had Googled the Bible verses. Now I've never used the Bible against my uncle and aunt,even though they weren't Christians all these years. Never threw Scripture at them,never made them feel like they were sinners. So I have no idea where this all came from. Then she gets on FB and starts posting things against me,you know how people do,not saying it was me but acting like "I'm mad at someone,guess who?"

All that to say this,how do you make peace with a person that never apologizes and believes they are 100% right. My uncle is afraid of setting her off. She called my father, and said she hasn't slept in three nights and she wants to settle it between us. I blocked her on FB because I didn't see talking was going to solve the issue. I told my hubby I don't want family drama this year and not even a week in and this happens. Now I have my father wanting me to make peace and I'd like to,but I don't see it happening unless I take all the blame and say I was wrong. Any thoughts on how to handle it. Any HELPFUL,not judging thoughts? lol
I base who I spend my time with on how they treat me when I'm at my lowest point. So is she a person that kicks you when your down? Or who actually cares in her own way? So is it a meaningful relationship or just a good time?

Because if she's a person who kicks you when you're down you'll stop being close regardless...only she's going to really hurt you then. Don't let your family guilt you about it.

Jesus says turn the turn the other cheek. Not sure I'm giving "Christian advice." More human survival..haha
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,040
1,967
113
#52
I base who I spend my time with on how they treat me when I'm at my lowest point. So is she a person that kicks you when your down? Or who actually cares in her own way? So is it a meaningful relationship or just a good time?

Because if she's a person who kicks you when you're down you'll stop being close regardless...only she's going to really hurt you then. Don't let your family guilt you about it.

Jesus says turn the turn the other cheek. Not sure I'm giving "Christian advice." More human survival..haha
You know I really can't say. I thought she was a person that really cares,now I'm beginning to think she's the latter. :(
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
459
85
28
#53
I base who I spend my time with on how they treat me when I'm at my lowest point. So is she a person that kicks you when your down? Or who actually cares in her own way? So is it a meaningful relationship or just a good time?

Because if she's a person who kicks you when you're down you'll stop being close regardless...only she's going to really hurt you then. Don't let your family guilt you about it.

Jesus says turn the turn the other cheek. Not sure I'm giving "Christian advice." More human survival..haha
Hey Blueluna,
That is pretty good advice. It's not during the good times you see what a person is made of, I think just about everyone can put on a smile and give generously in good times.

It is in hard times you see a persons real character, and what they are made of. Unless your me, than it's basically all down hill from the time of birth lol. But that is why Psalm 23 talks about the valley of the shadow of death. A reminder that God is with us even when life turns to crap and all hell breaks loose and the whole world is out to get you.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,040
1,967
113
#54
Round two of this issue with my aunt. Last week my father wrote to her and my uncle saying enough was enough and the feud needed to end. He sent the email and almost instantly got a call back. My uncle said simply "we want to end it". They talked a little further and then my father asked if my aunt felt the same way to which she said yes. So everything was done and over. I unblocked them from FB right away.

Well I was speaking to my today and he asked me if I would consider unblocking my aunt. I informed him I already had,several days ago. We hung up and I thought "You know I unblocked her several days ago. And she thanked me and said I could talk when I felt comfortable." So I called my father again and it all came out that she has been talking to him. She started all over again with the issue and not understanding why they were blocked. They have been talking for several days,my father not knowing I had unblocked her already. I want peace,I want it to end but she seems unwilling to let it go,even though they both said they wanted to end it.I have other pressing issues I have to deal with right now and I can't deal with family drama,which seems constant lately. I hate it because I love spending time with family.I've lost a lot of my family to cancer. But the drama is making me ill and very unhappy. Just do not know how to nail this issue shut, for good.
 
#58
Round two of this issue with my aunt. Last week my father wrote to her and my uncle saying enough was enough and the feud needed to end. He sent the email and almost instantly got a call back. My uncle said simply "we want to end it". They talked a little further and then my father asked if my aunt felt the same way to which she said yes. So everything was done and over. I unblocked them from FB right away.

Well I was speaking to my today and he asked me if I would consider unblocking my aunt. I informed him I already had,several days ago. We hung up and I thought "You know I unblocked her several days ago. And she thanked me and said I could talk when I felt comfortable." So I called my father again and it all came out that she has been talking to him. She started all over again with the issue and not understanding why they were blocked. They have been talking for several days,my father not knowing I had unblocked her already. I want peace,I want it to end but she seems unwilling to let it go,even though they both said they wanted to end it.I have other pressing issues I have to deal with right now and I can't deal with family drama,which seems constant lately. I hate it because I love spending time with family.I've lost a lot of my family to cancer. But the drama is making me ill and very unhappy. Just do not know how to nail this issue shut, for good.

Yeah? Tis sad when people see or hear what they want, and disregard the rest. Seems she will "not relent", until you become "comfortable", with the fact that she, Is right? And you? Are not! Or? Wears you down enough, to where you'll tolerate her behavior, without bringing it to her attention.

It seems her behavior is interfering with, or down right contrary to your faith and beliefs.

I'd pray for wisdom, in your handling of this situation.

Me personally? I detest "oil suckers!" Regarding people like this to the "foolish virgins", in Jesus' parable of the 10 virgins. ;)
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
14,040
1,967
113
#59
Yeah? Tis sad when people see or hear what they want, and disregard the rest. Seems she will "not relent", until you become "comfortable", with the fact that she, Is right? And you? Are not! Or? Wears you down enough, to where you'll tolerate her behavior, without bringing it to her attention.

It seems her behavior is interfering with, or down right contrary to your faith and beliefs.

I'd pray for wisdom, in your handling of this situation.

Me personally? I detest "oil suckers!" Regarding people like this to the "foolish virgins", in Jesus' parable of the 10 virgins. ;)
I was praying this morning in church. Asking for a way to deal with the behavior without totally destroying our family relationship. So far I still don't have the answer.