When Family Attacks

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Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,509
1,438
113
Germany
#21
Had a similar situation with my brother. Pray against strive envy and distress. May the Spirit of the Lord give you his abundant shalom and guide your next steps and deliver any deception over this situation and people involved. Love u sis u can message me anytime u want to talk
 

Miri

The Thingy Member
Jul 22, 2012
9,104
2,085
113
UK age 51
#22
I would suggest apologising to her for any hurt you may have caused.
Then leave it at that. Whether or not she apologises to you is between her
and God but at least you have done what you need to do. Then it’s up to you
whether you feel you want to resume the relationship you had or not.

You can’t control how another person behaves or what they do or react. You can only
control what you do.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
1,220
784
113
Texas
#23
If I said that I mis-spoke. No,luckily she doesn't live near me,in another country in fact. The issue is that she has hunkered down and is demanding an apology. She has my uncle afraid to contact my father. So my father is grieving over it. I know if I give her an apology she will run riot over me if anything comes up again.

The thing is I knew she had this side and have always been able to avoid it. She always had wonderful things to say about me and I about her. We were rather close and when she came to visit I always made sure she had a wonderful time. Hubby and I took her all over the state showing her special places,shopping,special restaurants. But when she turns on a person there is just no way to talk sense with her. She went behind my back to another family member (my sister) who knew nothing and tried to involve her and her husband. Now she doesn't even like my sister and hates her husband with a passion. I warned my sister that it was best she stay out of it. If there were any way I could make peace now I would. But I know if I do she'll do it again at the drop of a hat. I hate drama but it always seems to find me. I don't get it.
Sorry I misunderstood. Some how I though she was involved in your church. Could have mixed you situation with someone else's. Lol.
You could apologize...like this. I'm sorry that you are so angry with me. It seems you are always angry with someone. I want you to leave all of your stuff to your kids when you die, because I feel that's right. I really don't want anything that belongs to you. All I want from you is to not hinder your husband and my dad from having a relationship. Please feel free to hate me if you so please, but at least have some class and show the world that you are not the bitter old shrew that everyone thinks you are. Good bye and have a very interesting life.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
1,160
307
83
#24
If she really is losing sleep which I doubt, let her come to her senses. Tell Dad to use caller ID until she grows up.

Boundaries is the best advice I saw in this thread. When she wants to fight, hold up your hand in the stop position and walk away. Concentrate on you own good mental health and don't lets jerks get the best of you.


Learn to look, smile and say, "Oh Well".

Her failure to communicate like an Adult is not your emergency. Treat her with kindness in family settings and let her mess herself up.

 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
1,220
784
113
Texas
#25
In as much as I have caused you some distress and anguish, I do sincerely apologise. I do hope all is well with you, and that you have a full and interesting life. Please don't feel as though it were necessary to call or write me back, I would that you only do me one kindness, that being the relationship of brothers well on in years deserve to have their friendship unabated by any error of mine. If you could afford me this, then I will be grateful.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
1,160
307
83
#26
Matthew 18:15-18 Good News Translation (GNT)
When Someone Sins
15 “If your brother sins against you,[a] go to him and show him his fault. But do it privately, just between yourselves. If he listens to you, you have won your brother back. 16 But if he will not listen to you, take one or two other persons with you, so that ‘every accusation may be upheld by the testimony of two or more witnesses,’ as the scripture says. 17 And if he will not listen to them, then tell the whole thing to the church. Finally, if he will not listen to the church, treat him as though he were a pagan or a tax collector.
 

Blik

Senior Member
Dec 6, 2016
1,595
425
83
#27
Yes,I did email her trying to explain the situation. It only angered her more. She got on the phone and screamed at my parents till they just went silent and let her talk herself out. She wants an apology. I can't give it to her or she'll run over me as she has done with everyone else. She's now posting on FB about how much of a victim she is and how her "true" family loves her. Yet she's told me she's giving everything she owns to me when she dies because her daughter will just sell it. She has a daughter and son that never call her,never do anything for her and are ungrateful (according to her). But suddenly she loves them dearly. I feel like Im dealing with a high-schooler. smh Frustrating.
If you keep trying to change her the mud will just pile higher. God tells us we are to leave all the judging of others to Him, so why not just accept her and give her love, warts, pimples and all.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,899
1,842
113
#28
Sorry I misunderstood. Some how I though she was involved in your church. Could have mixed you situation with someone else's. Lol.
You could apologize...like this. I'm sorry that you are so angry with me. It seems you are always angry with someone. I want you to leave all of your stuff to your kids when you die, because I feel that's right. I really don't want anything that belongs to you. All I want from you is to not hinder your husband and my dad from having a relationship. Please feel free to hate me if you so please, but at least have some class and show the world that you are not the bitter old shrew that everyone thinks you are. Good bye and have a very interesting life.

Ahhh I don't see that going very well. lol I did tell her that anything she gave me is at my parents. The next time she visits she can pick it up. At this point I don't think an apology will even soothe her.
 
#29
Ahhh I don't see that going very well. lol I did tell her that anything she gave me is at my parents. The next time she visits she can pick it up. At this point I don't think an apology will even soothe her.
Learn this song and "belt it out!" Especially the chorus! Quite "liberating", actually!

 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,899
1,842
113
#30
If you keep trying to change her the mud will just pile higher. God tells us we are to leave all the judging of others to Him, so why not just accept her and give her love, warts, pimples and all.

I do love her and we have accepted her as she is. But she is a person that never believes she is wrong. So she got angry with me,accused me of being uncaring,un-Christian, and then tore into her husband and my parents because I refused to apologize to her. I did my best to explain and she shut me down. So I left it to my father and his brother. But she insists it's between she and I. She's gone through every member and wants a fight with me. At the moment I'm staying silent hoping her husband will find a way to help her cool off.
 

Blik

Senior Member
Dec 6, 2016
1,595
425
83
#32
I do love her and we have accepted her as she is. But she is a person that never believes she is wrong. So she got angry with me,accused me of being uncaring,un-Christian, and then tore into her husband and my parents because I refused to apologize to her. I did my best to explain and she shut me down. So I left it to my father and his brother. But she insists it's between she and I. She's gone through every member and wants a fight with me. At the moment I'm staying silent hoping her husband will find a way to help her cool off.
It is her anger and her problem, not yours.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,899
1,842
113
#33
It is her anger and her problem, not yours.
While that may be I want to have peace in the family. But I can't make her want the same thing. What bothers me is people that say they want peace and no drama but they create it. smh
 
#34
While that may be I want to have peace in the family. But I can't make her want the same thing. What bothers me is people that say they want peace and no drama but they create it. smh

The way it sounds? Was you "called her out" on her error, which actually "exposed" her heart. Not only to herself, which would be hard enough for her, from the way you have described her, in (how can I say) her "covering it up" to herself. Now, that the "cat is out of the bag", so to speak, and has gone "viral?" Her "pride" will not allow her to apologize. So, pride, being the way it is? Is running around like a cat trying to cover up "poop" on a marble floor. Grasping at everything it can in its attempts of "saving face" (so to speak) to your Aunt! And, as usually the case? Everyone else can see it! She's the only one blinded to it! But, then again? Perhaps not! Which is a "worse case!"

Depending on how aggressively you are wishing in pursuing this "issue" with her? You can simply "let it rest?" Avoid contact, and interactions, except when absolutely necessary. Being rest assured, it will rear its ugly head again, somewheres down the pike.

Or? Take the proverbial "bull by the horns", and tell her? "You want someone to blame?" "Blame HE, who raised Jesus Christ from the dead!" (after all) "It is His Holy Spirit that is working in and through me, in the pointing out of this "predator" "style" "bullying" behavior." "Which views the "Fruit of the Spirit" as a "weakness", to be "exploited!" "Of the which?" "I" myself cannot, and will not tolerate!" IOW? STAND!

Which, (should) "put the ball in her court!" And see, how she wants to "move forward!"

Matthew 10
34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

Simple? Yes! Easy? Not so much!
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,899
1,842
113
#35
The way it sounds? Was you "called her out" on her error, which actually "exposed" her heart. Not only to herself, which would be hard enough for her, from the way you have described her, in (how can I say) her "covering it up" to herself. Now, that the "cat is out of the bag", so to speak, and has gone "viral?" Her "pride" will not allow her to apologize. So, pride, being the way it is? Is running around like a cat trying to cover up "poop" on a marble floor. Grasping at everything it can in its attempts of "saving face" (so to speak) to your Aunt! And, as usually the case? Everyone else can see it! She's the only one blinded to it! But, then again? Perhaps not! Which is a "worse case!"

Depending on how aggressively you are wishing in pursuing this "issue" with her? You can simply "let it rest?" Avoid contact, and interactions, except when absolutely necessary. Being rest assured, it will rear its ugly head again, somewheres down the pike.

Or? Take the proverbial "bull by the horns", and tell her? "You want someone to blame?" "Blame HE, who raised Jesus Christ from the dead!" (after all) "It is His Holy Spirit that is working in and through me, in the pointing out of this "predator" "style" "bullying" behavior." "Which views the "Fruit of the Spirit" as a "weakness", to be "exploited!" "Of the which?" "I" myself cannot, and will not tolerate!" IOW? STAND!

Which, (should) "put the ball in her court!" And see, how she wants to "move forward!"

Matthew 10
34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

Simple? Yes! Easy? Not so much!

I think the issue is that she gets so beside herself that people avoid conflict with her at all costs. Then if anyone gets upset with her she pushes my uncle forward and says "he agrees with all I said". Well he wouldn't disagree with her if his life depended on it! But somehow that's always her defense. So then he gets tossed into the mix making peace even harder because now you have two people to deal with. She pushes him out front and then grabs the phone when she thinks he's not winning the battle.
 
#36
I think the issue is that she gets so beside herself that people avoid conflict with her at all costs. Then if anyone gets upset with her she pushes my uncle forward and says "he agrees with all I said". Well he wouldn't disagree with her if his life depended on it! But somehow that's always her defense. So then he gets tossed into the mix making peace even harder because now you have two people to deal with. She pushes him out front and then grabs the phone when she thinks he's not winning the battle.
Once ya figure out it not PEACE, she's after! It's CONTROL! Of everything, and everyone in her "sphere of influence", like some spoiled little kid! It should be a little easier for you in dealing with her. Just start treating her like some spoiled little child!
I understand how "easy" it is in getting "sucked" into that "black hole" of dramatics! Especially, being family and all. Easiest solution? WALK AWAY!! She does it again? WALK AWAY!!! AGAIN!! etc. etc. Eventually? Hopefully? She'll "come to", that you are just not going to tolerate that behavior from her any longer, and not act "that" way around ya. If not? What was it Bogey said? Oh yeah! "Sianorya Sweatheart!"

Unless, or until she figures that out? Not a whole lot you can do! ;)

Or? Ya can keep casting your "pearls" before the swine! :(
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,899
1,842
113
#37
Once ya figure out it not PEACE, she's after! It's CONTROL! Of everything, and everyone in her "sphere of influence", like some spoiled little kid! It should be a little easier for you in dealing with her. Just start treating her like some spoiled little child!
I understand how "easy" it is in getting "sucked" into that "black hole" of dramatics! Especially, being family and all. Easiest solution? WALK AWAY!! She does it again? WALK AWAY!!! AGAIN!! etc. etc. Eventually? Hopefully? She'll "come to", that you are just not going to tolerate that behavior from her any longer, and not act "that" way around ya. If not? What was it Bogey said? Oh yeah! "Sianorya Sweatheart!"

Unless, or until she figures that out? Not a whole lot you can do! ;)

Or? Ya can keep casting your "pearls" before the swine! :(
Yes,I think you are right. You made a good point,she wants control. I have kept silent ever since this has happened. Luckily she lives far enough away that she is not in my life daily. I don't see any other way to deal with her then what you have said. I think you are correct.
 

Blik

Senior Member
Dec 6, 2016
1,595
425
83
#38
While that may be I want to have peace in the family. But I can't make her want the same thing. What bothers me is people that say they want peace and no drama but they create it. smh
If wishes were horses beggars could ride----. God puts us in a place in life, it is up to us to learn from the Lord about how to handle that place, what we can't change we are to accept. It takes real wisdom to find the right way, to accept or change a situation.

The Lord explains that to us when the word tells us to put the burden on Him.

It is always so easy to just do something, but when the situation calls for doing nothing it is so much more difficult to handle.
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
453
83
28
#39
I've had a run in recently with my aunt. (fathers SIL) She is a very outspoken person and known to lose her temper to the post of giving that person a good cussing out. Now she and my uncle just started attending church a year or so ago. She and I became really close just the last few years. But now we've had a serious run in and I'm not sure how to make peace with her without letting her think she can blast me one when she disagrees with me.

The thing is she got involved in another family matter that wasn't her business. Then she told me I was bitter,un-Christian and unforgiving even though she knew nothing about the situation or what was said. She informed me she "knew the Bible too" and sent me verses on forgiving. I was at a total loss and then she called my mother and let slip that she had Googled the Bible verses. Now I've never used the Bible against my uncle and aunt,even though they weren't Christians all these years. Never threw Scripture at them,never made them feel like they were sinners. So I have no idea where this all came from. Then she gets on FB and starts posting things against me,you know how people do,not saying it was me but acting like "I'm mad at someone,guess who?"

All that to say this,how do you make peace with a person that never apologizes and believes they are 100% right. My uncle is afraid of setting her off. She called my father, and said she hasn't slept in three nights and she wants to settle it between us. I blocked her on FB because I didn't see talking was going to solve the issue. I told my hubby I don't want family drama this year and not even a week in and this happens. Now I have my father wanting me to make peace and I'd like to,but I don't see it happening unless I take all the blame and say I was wrong. Any thoughts on how to handle it. Any HELPFUL,not judging thoughts? lol
Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's impossible to live with out family feuds. (unless you cancel your cable or satelite. lol)

Truth is I think your aunt has a pride issue, and anger and resentment. (not a psychiatrist just know a lot about common sence. lol.)

I know it's hard on you and really stresses you out and drains your spirit, I would pray about it, ask God for advice. I would suggest that you try talking to your dad and ask his advice too.

Remember these 2 Verses
Proverbs 10:19, 11:14 & 15:22
10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
15:22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing you can do. If she is throwing verses about forgiveness at you, than something simple and heartfelt might work, also it might be a good idea to ask her why she felt she needed to comment on a situation she had no business getting involved it.

See a neutral unbiased approach might help you reach her. try talking to her by asking her questions.

Like Why do you accuse me of being unchristian when I don't agree with you? or Why did you try to give me advice on this situation when I didn't ask for it?

Maybe try something like What did you know about the situation when you gave me your advice?

If all else fails you can always say "Father, forgive her, she knows not what she does." that might help get her off your back lol.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
13,899
1,842
113
#40
Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's impossible to live with out family feuds. (unless you cancel your cable or satelite. lol)

Truth is I think your aunt has a pride issue, and anger and resentment. (not a psychiatrist just know a lot about common sence. lol.)

I know it's hard on you and really stresses you out and drains your spirit, I would pray about it, ask God for advice. I would suggest that you try talking to your dad and ask his advice too.

Remember these 2 Verses
Proverbs 10:19, 11:14 & 15:22
10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
15:22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing you can do. If she is throwing verses about forgiveness at you, than something simple and heartfelt might work, also it might be a good idea to ask her why she felt she needed to comment on a situation she had no business getting involved it.

See a neutral unbiased approach might help you reach her. try talking to her by asking her questions.

Like Why do you accuse me of being unchristian when I don't agree with you? or Why did you try to give me advice on this situation when I didn't ask for it?

Maybe try something like What did you know about the situation when you gave me your advice?

If all else fails you can always say "Father, forgive her, she knows not what she does." that might help get her off your back lol.


Thank you. All excellent advice. Trying to take it all to heart and not let it bring me down. I wish I was the person that could just ignore it and go on. For now I'm just trying to stay quiet and wait till she calms down. Give her some time to think. But you all have had great advice,I'm glad I posted this. It's helped me a lot.