OP here; lady blue, I just want to thank you for thread on suicide. It really helped me to know I'm not the only one going through these thoughts that have been entering my head.
I'm comforted by the fact that God has already forgiven what I did, I just wish my mistakes hadn't hurt the people that I've hurt (wife and kids.) None of them deserve what they're going through because of me. I've apologized numerous times to my wife. I didn't have a physical affair, but my wife is justified in seeking the divorce, so I know I can't expect her to take me back. I just have a ton of guilt for hurting her. I guess that's just something I have to deal with as a consequence for my actions.