Presbyterian/Baptist War

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SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#41
Jonathan Edwards lost
To honest Abe Lincoln
Switching from one avatar to t’other
Shows my precious Des is still drinking
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#42
Baptists play dirty, aye
It's all they know to do
They'll poke you in the eye
And smear your face with poo

Ten Baptists attacked me once
While I was on a bike
From the darkness, they did pounce
And skewered me with a pike

I ran from them down a winding trail
Took refuge under a tree
Whistled a song from the Pale
And made my way home free

Walking through the glen
I found that loathsome band
Winded on the ground
Writhing in the sand

"Take pity on us master
Show us not your dagger
Give us a free pass here
If you kick, please stagger"

Why did fear overtake me?
No danger did I meet
For when the Baptist strikes
He cannot run ten feet!

The glutton!
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#43
Say what ye like
About my shifting visage
My coolness always spikes
With shades that are of vintage
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#44
Here is the church
Here is the steeple
How can this thread be liked
By 97 people?
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#45
Staggering down the road
Is all the Presby did
But the Baptist next to him
Was carrying a heavy load

The Presby was staggering
From drinking too much wine
The Baptist was carrying a heavy load
From eating too much swine

They came to an inn
They each got a room
The Baptist ordered swine, chicken and bread
The Presby ordered grog, beer and gin

The next morning they checked out
But not before a bathroom stop
The Presby took a wizz
The Baptist took a plop

They shook hands
Before parting ways
But when the Presby turned his back
The Baptist put him away

Never trust a Baptist
Especially after a big feast
When you turn your back
He will attack you like a beast
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#46
Des buys some designer cologne
To go with his designer sunglasses
Says it makes him smell like sorghum
But it really makes him smell like molasses

;)
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#47
Not too long ago I was a Baptist boy
I read my Bible daily
Had not a single toy

Then came my brother Jim
A fine and lovely man
Who made my heart happy
But not to the point of sin

My head may be abuzz
My legs dry and hairy
In new places I find fuzz
My diet lacks the dairy

Baptists are more clever
When they choose an attack
Machiavellian endeavors
Are never things they lack

Stab me in the back? Ha!
I'll just turn around
Give your head a hefty smack
And force you to the ground

Let that tongue dangle
Beg, mope, and plea
I know your wretched angle
I was a Baptist, you see
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#48
I once was Presby
But got a bible as a Christmas gift
Once I started reading it
I became a Baptist
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#49
Lincoln freed the slaves
Edwards freed the sinners
One was a president
The other a diviner

To switch from a man of God
To a president of men
Shows me one thing
Des is off the wagon again
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#50
Of my shifting avatar
Say what you wish
Mine are bland to fervent Calvinists
You sport a pink starfish

Lincoln freed the slaves
Edwards freed the sinners
One was a president
The other a diviner

To switch from a man of God
To a president of men
Shows me one thing
Des is off the wagon again
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#51
A pink starfish
May not be the best of choice
But I wanted an avatar
Not used by other boys

Switching from a man of the cloth
To a president of men
Leads me to believe
You’re abusing the Lord’s table again

You don’t care
You do things your way
From orthodox teaching
You will continually stray

Beer and pretzels
On your church’s table
You will fill your belly
Then sleep in the stable

You sleep beside the sheep
No matter the stench
You will then go and weep
And confess your sins at the mourner’s bench

“I abused Thine’s stable”
You will readily admit
Then back to tavern you will go
And order a barrel of absinthe
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#52
A Baptist and Presby
Got in a battle of biblical wits
The bystanders seemed all alarmed
They said that poor Presby is truly unarmed
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#53
I need to jump ship
For the night, real soon
I will revel in this victory
While Des licks his wounds
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#54
I see sweet Tinuviel
Being a spectator of people
Des & I discuss theology
She says “Here’s the church house, here’s the steeple.”
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#55
Good night Des
I bid you adieu
Lick your wounds
Then get ready for round two
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#56
I awake from brief slumber
To see Sov's screed
A belly full of laughter
True joy to read

Tomorrow I'll be back
To throttle you once more
I don't mean most this swack
SovGrace I do adore

In a totally manly and non-homosexual way, of course.
 

SovereignGrace

Senior Member
Dec 28, 2016
5,455
172
63
#57
Slumber for the drunkard
Grog for the sot
Babies they took and immersed
Then slept like a baby on a cot

They teach those babies
Water will truly suffice
They soon go awry
And dunk them babies twice

Water and booze
Two things they adore
They will dunk 10,000 babies
And then scream for more

Babies are demons from the womb
They repeatedly proclaim
Dunking then once ain’t enough
Lets dunk’em again

Water for the babies
Booze for the Presbter
They go hand-in-hand
Their theology avers

Babies are doomed
In Presbyterian circles
That any of’em make adulthood
Is truly one of God’s miracles
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#59
I celebrate this women's day
With great and mighty pomp
From Rousey in the fray
To Conway in the swamp

Presby women are the best
Patient angels brewing coffee
Of that I can attest
And sing the praises lofty

Another woman I admire though
With biceps of steel
Expert in hammer throw
A core of righteous zeal

Who is this iron maiden?
It is the Baptist Mother
Herself heav'ly laden
By needs of another

She lifts corpulent kids
To get the shirks to school
Opens stubborn lids
To make the potluck gruel
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,506
177
63
#60
The Baptist pistolero
Is a mighty shot
*bang* goes down the sparrow
*bang* the ocelot

He outshot Marty Robbins
Ventilated Josey Wales
Widows crowd in sod inns
And mourn his bloody trail

His confidence is visible
In his sprightly swagger
All threats seem risible
When his hand's upon the trigger

But there's a hitch, you see
He's good with a revolver
Des hefts his AR-15
Sov rests with cannon fodder