Thank you all for your posts. Thank you all for having been friendly. I know you have ended up tired of my coldness. I often lack empathy for others and undervalue all the things I have. Im a really dark person. Sometimes Im even disrespectful with others. I hate much more things than I love. Im just furious and bad tempered all the time. Little things can make me happy. I sometimes feel like I want to kill everybody. And sometimes even myself. Im very hateful and cynical. I lack empathy. I treat everybody in a rejectful way. I treat my own family as strangers. I like nobody in this world. Im a jerk. And I dont know how to change this !
I think part of this bad temper comes from my social rejection. I have been the strange of my classroom since childhood. I was really bad in learning and grew up very slowly. I learned to do everything much later than the rest of children. Especially in maths. I would take a long time in adding and subtracting as late as a teen. I never felt skilled in anything. They would often mock me and make me cry. I had not anything special. I was useless waste. And with years this didnt get much better. I still was a very immature boy. My performance was terrible in all areas. And I was really aggressive. I liked destroying things. I liked upsetting everybody, even the teachers. I was pretty much the worst classmate the school could ever have had. I started to be a real jerk. Until true bullies appeared and my life got ruined. I once left school hospitalized after a bad fight I had. They hit me with a chair in the head, making me a big injury in the area above my ear still visible today. I had to sleep in a certain way because entering into contact with the pillow in my injured area made me scream of pain. I changed school with a different attitude. I became the shy, reserved phantom with lots of fears. I never wanted to talk with anybody, even with those who treated me well. I assumed everybody there was a stranger and a potential threat. Some people even noticed the injury in my head. But in the deep, I was still a jerk. I only transformed from a wild jerk to a quiet jerk. As such, I started seeking ways to hurt and rebel against my around in a less blatant way. This is how I resorted to Christianity. It would be my perfect tool to feed my own ego for a time. Everytime I was looking at my classroom, I often thought "everybody will burn in hell and I will go to heaven" and smiled. Soon I assumed it as a part of my identity. I filled my notebook with "Jesus is with me!" drawings in a selfish way, and continued behaving like this for years. I didnt really convert until I was about 19. Beginning in my late teens I got interested in Christianity as a way of life and started to read and learn about it in my free time. I viewed it as the solution to all my problems. So I realized I had to become a better person. I tried to be less selfish and more kind to people. They noticed my change, but I still had no friends or attention. I still feared the society and had feelings of disgust towards my around. They looked too sinful for me. And I feared everybody wanted to lead me to sin. So nothing had changed in my life. Not to say my faith was really weak. Christianity was still a mere part of my identity rather than my way of life. And this never changed.
The conclusion is, I may have changed in my outside for the better, but not in my inside. I have always been the same person in my inside. The problem is that I dont feel I can change this. At least not myself. Maybe this is in my blood. I cant fix myself. I have been feeling this for a couple of years already. And this self-questioning has only resulted in depression, low self-esteem and existential problems. I finally learned I cant change myself. But I cant live this way anymore. Im killing my own soul. Im breaking out my own apocalypse.
And this is when I started to think I needed somebody else to change this. So the idea of a girlfriend popped out. I suddenly burst of passion. A potential girlfriend started to become an obsession. I hoped this girlfriend would bring brightness and colour to my dark, achromatic life. I hoped this girlfriend would make me feel better with myself. I hoped this girlfriend would calm my stress with her beauty. I hoped this girlfriend would turn my negativity into positivity. Even if my darkness tried to resist her, I hoped my heart would die of love and get infected with her joy and enthusiasm. It would be a great pleasure, everytime I say myself "Im trash !", to have a precious girlfriend telling me "No you are wrong, you are wonderful !" while smiling and massaging my hand. Oww this would be so charming ! You have asked me what if this girl is sold out for Jesus ? This is exactly what I want. A wonderful Jesus crazy girlfriend who loves to pray, read the Bible and share her faith with me. A girlfriend who talks through her behaviour. A girlfriend who never forgets about her cross. A girlfriend who uses a humble vocabulary and never uses foul words. A girlfriend who honors God with her body and dresses modestly. A girlfriend who loves, values, understands and listens to me. A girlfriend I can love, value, understand and listen to. Not only Im desperate to feel loved and appreciated. Im also desperate to love and appreciate somebody, because I have only given hate and contempt.
Brother let me tell you something. You aren’t in this world for no reason, no one is tired of your coldness. Especially God, God is waiting with arms open wide brother ready to receive you. He created you for a reason and purpose, not to just be a “stranger“ and it is not really good for you too look at always your imperfections. but look at this perfect truth of God accepting you even as you
think you are. God loves you just as you are. And God will always accept you as you are, i saw your other comment of how God helped you defeat porn, that is amazing brother, and sometimes just breath, that too is a gift, look at the small things that we don’t really look at and meditate ponder how God takes care even of the smallest fly that we are all eager to kill, but The point is this, you have worth, unimaginably, God loves you brother, always did, and chose you Millions of years ago to be A child of God, you have a Father now, don’t worry about how you treat your parents or others, or even the hate you get, go to your Father, spend time with Him, He is the One who does the inside work, not you. So just trust Him surrender to Him, in other words trust in His ability to take care of your inside. You were created for a purpose brother, dont worry about how old you are, Abraham was 75 when God called him, and you are not older than the Lord Jesus Christ who started ministry at 30, but just trust God let Him prepare you for the man of God who He called you to be, God loves you, and cares for you, He knows your problems and struggles but Psalm 46:1 says He is there to help you in your time of trouble, are you in trouble? Yes, definitely, but is God there to help, yes. So just fill your mind with the love that God has for you, and spend time with God, gradually you will have a cleaner heart,soul and mind, but you need to spend time with God, yesterday i learnt that the people i spend time with rub off on me their attitude, character,actions,words. But spend time with God(prayer,worship,scripture,fasting), trust in God, Has God ever failed you? you might say yes, but God is the One who gsve you this opportunity to know His love through other people, That proves His love, but these are small things, look to Christ, beaten up, spit at, face beaten beyond recognition,spiritually dying,physically dying,distressed, humiliated, and much more to count but still He loved you, despite all your imperfections, He showed you your value. So the point is, you Have hope, look at Job, God saved Job though his Anguish was great, every single man or woman you see in the Bible have had problems, even the Lord Himself was tempted, and was asking God that His suffering may be taken away from Him, but still all of these people are now ok. So there is hope just look, open the Bible you will see for yourself, don’t allow discouragement, discouragement isn’t from God, Read Ephesians, read 1 Peter, but first read John and get to know the Lord and how He is more, YOU HAVE HOPE