Are You More Attracted to the Happy-Go-Lucky Type, or the Tortured Soul?

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Belka

Junior Member
Aug 24, 2017
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#41
Basically what Encouragement said : ) (and some others). A balanced person seems to be the best option.

I've realized that whenever I was attracted to the "tortured soul", it was because I was in effect trying to (subconsciously) bypass my own insecurities, wounds and shortcomings. By focusing on the other person's wounds, and focusing on helping them heal, I was keeping my own inadequacy at bay. Since I was the "fixer", my own fears and insecurities weren't getting triggered.

But it's never worked out, because the motive was never truly pure (even though it felt that way at the time). And because it's just plain unhealthy.

That feeling of attraction towards someone who needs "help" or "healing", I believe, shows that there are unhealed parts in us that we need to tend to (and obviously aren't). This desire to fix, heal, and help is unfortunately rarely truly innocent and pure, even if we feel that it is. That's basically pity and compassion, not romantic love for an equal. But a lot of people mix the two, especially women. And if you really dig deep, it's actually quite condescending (it puts us above the other person) and it's just a roundabout way of not dealing with our own wounds and insecurities, because being with someone who IS healed, happy, joyful, etc. would highlight our own lack of all those things and make us feel inferior. Does that make sense?

That's why those who are struggling aren't attracted to those who aren't. Because the "happy people" make them feel too uncomfortable, uneasy, and inadequate (because their struggles and shortcomings are highlighted). (I'm not talking about those super happy-go-lucky people that are over-the-top and seem "fake", but just generally happy, joyful people).

The way I see it (and I could be wrong), if you're truly healed, truly happy and joyful, it's unlikely you'll be romantically attracted to a "tortured soul". Because let's face it, it's draining, it sucks the life out of you. So the only people who are truly attracted to those tortured souls, are (sometimes covert) tortured souls, themselves. Keeping their own insecurities covert by joining themselves to someone who's even "worse off" than they are.

Sorry if I made it sound super negative! Didn't mean to. It's just something I have observed in my own life and that of some others.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,370
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#45
To be honest....positive, optimistic people annoy me. Maybe it's because I'm just the opposite. So yeah, I definitely see myself identifying more with tortured souls. Lord knows I've been through some torment in my life. And unfortunately, things seem to be getting worse rather than better. Only one thing seems certain at this point:


I wonder how a happy go lucky person would look at this...

Great surface for a mural?!
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
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#46
I am not into rose colored glasses and also not into a totally negative attitude. I’m attracted to someone in between who is real with depth and passion. Being peaceful and hopeful is important to me too.
 

true_believer

Active member
Sep 24, 2020
408
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#47
I'd want someone who is an optimist, but not one who is naive.
The tortured-soul types will bring you down into an abyss of misery.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,370
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#48
tortured soul types need a nurse more than anything.
happy go lucky types I think need an audience.

Not having much professional nursing skills or being able to sit still and shut up for too long watching someone else have all the fun its hard to see how both would be attractive forever.

The other day I was sitting next to a guy in church, making conversation as you do after the service. But he wouldnt let me have a word in, he would constantly talk about himself and then forget I might have something to say too. When time comes for me to think ok I can talk, hes like Im gonna talk to someone else now. ?!

how frustrating would that be if that was something you lived with everyday.
 
Mar 21, 2009
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#49
tortured soul types need a nurse more than anything.
happy go lucky types I think need an audience.

Not having much professional nursing skills or being able to sit still and shut up for too long watching someone else have all the fun its hard to see how both would be attractive forever.

The other day I was sitting next to a guy in church, making conversation as you do after the service. But he wouldnt let me have a word in, he would constantly talk about himself and then forget I might have something to say too. When time comes for me to think ok I can talk, hes like Im gonna talk to someone else now. ?!

how frustrating would that be if that was something you lived with everyday.
Classic immature social skills, and also not a good character for those who are called to minister to people. I see it all the time. We have to train ourselves to show genuine interest in other people and remember their names, birthdays, names of their kids, ask questions about things they have shared in the past. The majority of people will never learn to do this. They think that just talking shows that they are friendly. But doing what comes natural is almost always wrong. One has to train themselves to not talk about themselves. It is a tough habit to quit.
 
May 25, 2015
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#50
* Are you more attracted to positive, optimistic people, or the darker, brooding types, and why do you think that is?
- This is a long answer, but I'm going to sum it all up in a few sentences: I used to be attracted to the dark and brooding types. After lots of soul searching and Jesus searching, I really found that it came from a deep brokenness and how I kept being attracted to the wrong type of men. After years of being single and letting God heal that deep brokenness, my attraction soon changed. I'm more into positive, optimistic people in general. Dark and brooding is just not my thing.

* On which end of the scale do you consider your own self to be?
- I think I tend to be open to people who are close to me. I remain pretty vague and use general terms with people I barely know. It's a boundary of mine. Call it mysterious, but I think my life should be on hold for the people who are close to me. That doesn't mean I am a closed book. Because, I'm quite the opposite and live my life as authentically as I can. It's only unless I know someone really well is when I open up about things that are hard to talk about.

* If you are attracted to those on one side of the scale, do you think you would, or could be, attracted to the opposite? (Or at least, someone who is more of what you normally attracted to.) Why or why r?
- I think I can be attracted to the opposite. I'm just more wise in it than I once was and it wouldn't come from a place of brokenness, but a place of being whole as a person. The fullness of God dwells in me and I know I have no "missing pieces". But, that doesn't mean I won't be drawn to a man who is dark and brooding, because I tend to love those parts of what makes a man a man.
 

G00WZ

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
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#51
last gf i had was like Mary Poppins, the one before that was like a cactus so idk. I don't think i have a type.
 
#53
I am encouraged how the general consensus to this thread is a healthy balance between either side of the fence. Or as one member put it: 'I'm happy-go-tortured'

Perhaps it is best as Christian people to walk a fine line between the two: For example, going through 'thorn-laden, tortured soul experiences' but also understanding God in terms of His nature, characteristics and qualities and how He works in the lives of people to to the extent we see the good in our experiences even if we might not understand them. Does that make sense?

One thing I think we can all agree on that the life of a Christian is not necessarily a walk in the park. As Christian people, we are not immune to disciple, hardships and trials and tribulations (i.e.: tortured soul experiences):

Hebrews 12:11: 'No discipline seems pleasant at the time...'

I Peter 1:6: 'In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials'...

However, it is ultimately for our good:

Hebrews 12:11 (continued): '...Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it'

I Peter 1:7: 'These have come so that your faith-of great worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed'

So which side of the fence do I reside when it comes to romantic attraction? Perhaps neither, but rather someone who (as noted above) 'understands God in terms of His nature, characteristics and qualities and how He works in the lives of people'. Or perhaps it is someone who derives from both the 'tortured soul' and 'optimistic sides' and draws strength from each.

Or more specifically, understanding the Christian walk is about how 'God disciplines us and put us through trials and tribulations in order to strength our character and our faith'.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,370
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#54
this thread reminds me a bit of the monty python movie when they are all being crucified and they start singing and whistling 'always look on the bright side of life'
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#55
this thread reminds me a bit of the monty python movie when they are all being crucified and they start singing and whistling 'always look on the bright side of life'
It's not so bad if you think about it.
 

Kojikun

Well-known member
Oct 5, 2018
3,825
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#56
I guess I'm mostly the second type. But not always. There are times when I'm happy and grateful. I try to avoid using the internet when I'm in a mopey mood. I ended being overly dramatic and than saying something I need to apologize for. Dating unfortunately brings out the mopey in me due to constant rejections. I dont have much self esteem in the dating game but I cant really see what good being positive would do other me not being as bummed. Of course I would still be single either way, I'm at a loss lol🤷‍♂️
 

Live4Him

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2021
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#57
I don't know that I'm personally attracted to one type more than the other, but I can definitely say that it's almost always the "tortured souls" who are attracted to me.

I think (hope) that is because I'm kind and compassionate, but maybe they just want to lock me up in a dungeon somewhere and torture me...lol.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,370
3,733
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#58
maybe in this day and age there is just way more tortured souls than happy go lucky people.
Or depending where you go. Disneyland probably has a higher percentage of happy go luckies than...I dunno...lets say...Sydney.

australians now gonna crucify me.