Dating: When and How Do You Bring Up the Subject of S-E-X?

[Suzie2family]

I was wondering what some differing opinions were about this issue: When and how do you bring up the delicate topic of SEX when you're dating someone? (this is assuming you've gotten to the point where you know you are interested in pursuing something with the person long-term) Still, how do you approach the subject? Do you just blurt it out one evening as you're walking in the park, hand-in-hand? Would the conversation go something like this:

She: We're both Christians. We're both committed to one another. I really can't imagine my life without you so I think communication is healthy at this point. It's time we had the big SEX discussion.

He: Ok.

She: Well? What do you think about it?

He: What do I think?

She: Yeah...

He: Heck yes!

(or from HIS perspective):

He: I'm thinking it's time you and I talked about getting more serious here--you know...moving things to the next level.

She: Next level? As in, you're proposing?

He: No, as in, when can I move my motorcycle out of my mom's living room and into yours...?

 

[1still_waters]

Sometime after "I do" seems appropriate.

 

[Maddog]

I'm not sure why a courting couple would need to bring up the subject ('big SEX discussion'!? Come again? I don't even know what this is.), so I'm a bit stuck as to what the dilemma is.

 

[Suzie2family]

I guess I'm wondering, is it appropriate to talk about "how far is too far for you?" or "what were your past experiences that might cause you to stumble (so we can avoid causing one another to sin)?" or "What would be offensive to you in our dating relationship?"

I also wonder, is it even appropriate to talk about past sexual mistakes, partners, sins with your dating partner, or should you avoid the subject all together? Should you disclose your past? Would that cause the other person to sin, knowing what experience you've had? Would it cause you to sin, just being tempted? If so, when do you bring these things up? How do you deal with the subject at all? It seems like such a delicate subject and what if I bring these things up and my partner becomes "turned on" by just discussing it?

 

[Suzie2family]

Also, answers might vary from person to person, depending on if you have never had a sexual relationship vs. been married for 20 years? (and then divorced or widowed, etc)

(or) if you had a sexually promiscuous past before coming to the Lord, etc...

Does any of that make sense?

 

[allforfun]

Also, answers might vary from person to person, depending on if you have never had a sexual relationship vs. been married for 20 years? (and then divorced or widowed, etc)

(or) if you had a sexually promiscuous past before coming to the Lord, etc...

Does any of that make sense?

I think it makes sense. I am pretty much an open book and will talk about anything, and not in a "come hither" kind of way. I don't need the guy to disclose his full past to me. I don't care. But I need him to know I am 35 and not green behind the ears. I would rather they know that up front then have some kind of expectation built up in their head.

So I think it depends on a case by case thing depending the people's personality. But sex shouldn't be closed door that "we should never talk about this ever".

 

[Maddog]

Okay, I get it now.

But I don't know the answer. I suspect this is simply one of those 'play it by ear' kind of situations.

 

[Megatron]

Sometime before the i do's just to make sure our opinions on sex are cohesive. Im all for waiting for marriage but different people have different expectations in that area and it would be good to get everything out in the open before too late

 

[Jullianna]

Sometime before the i do's just to make sure our opinions on sex are cohesive. Im all for waiting for marriage but different people have different expectations in that area and it would be good to get everything out in the open before too late

I would have to agree with you. If I'm going to marry someone, there should be absolutely nothing I don't trust them enough to discuss. This is one of the reasons I'm all for premarital christian counseling, especially for people who have never been married before. Perfect opportunity for this conversation.

 

[Megatron]

I would have to agree with you. If I'm going to marry someone, there should be absolutely nothing I don't trust them enough to discuss. This is one of the reasons I'm all for premarital christian counseling, especially for people who have never been married before. Perfect opportunity for this conversation.

awww you agreed with the scrape. my time on these boards has been worth it lol

 

[Liamson]

Sometime before the i do's just to make sure our opinions on sex are cohesive. Im all for waiting for marriage but different people have different expectations in that area and it would be good to get everything out in the open before too late

I agree with this post.

I don't know about you guys but when I'm dating someone we are inevitably going to talk about everything that occurs under the sun. Birds bees squirrels trees football Greece ticks allergies freckles hangnails genealogies surgeries secrets rumors x-rays sunscreen piercings tattoos fire extinguishers boats prostitution mermaids trafficking fighting death olives aging politics sex adoption ethnic reform emigration loofahs languages barcaloungers beer-gardens tortillas tomatoes potatoes Dan Quayle masons money margaritas tequila YouTube Carne Asada Intifada Asante sana Squash banana ...Hakuna Matata!

 

[kayem77]

I agree with this post.

I don't know about you guys but when I'm dating someone we are inevitably going to talk about everything that occurs under the sun. Birds bees squirrels trees football Greece ticks allergies freckles hangnails genealogies surgeries secrets rumors x-rays sunscreen piercings tattoos fire extinguishers boats prostitution mermaids trafficking fighting death olives aging politics sex adoption ethnic reform emigration loofahs languages barcaloungers beer-gardens tortillas tomatoes potatoes Dan Quayle masons money margaritas tequila YouTube Carne Asada Intifada Asante sana Squash banana ...Hakuna Matata!

Lol I was just watching Lion King videos. Hakuna Matata!

I agree with this and and Megatron's post.
If you are to marry someone you need to be close enough to talk about EVERYTHING and see if you are in the same page before taking the big step.
I was wondering this same thing though. I don't have a boyfriend but I'm curious on how christian couples start this kind of conversation. Any person that could share their experience here?

 

[Megatron]

I've just straight up brought the conversation up...
We ere eating a dinner at her apartment and I was like so sexually what are you into? Now yes this may seem a bit rough but she was used to me and thats just how i am im not a big beat around the bush guy. And we just discussed things we thought were appropriate, inappropriate, and the such. It ended up being a fairly long conversation lasting though dinner and into cleaning up.

 

[Pheonix]

well its a really good and fast way to find out how much the person loves you. If you say no and they push, its probably not a good idea to continue the relationship. If on the other hand the two of you have similar ideas on the subject, or the other person is willing to wait without complaint or being pushy, then they more than likely actually care about you or even better are a true christian, in the sense that they wish to follow God's word.

My apologies to those who may be offended.

 

[Suzie2family]

BTW, in my original post the two ficticious conversations were meant to be a joke... In hindsight, I apologize if my joking scenarios came across as inappropriate or flippant. In the world (from a non-christian perspective,) SEX is often treated very casually. I meant to convey the extreme of a non-christian perspective--NOT the perspective I accept. But I do have questions about these things and want to know God's perspective abot the subject and I guess it just shows that making jokes about very sensitive subjects can relieve the tension of introducing the topic ("breaking the ice"???) for me...

 

[Pheonix]

I'm not sure there is anywhere in the bible that says you must not talk about sex. in fact there is a whole book that talks about nothing but

you want to hear about a guy who was drooling over a woman, just read song of solomon.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Man: "So you're saying you didn't know that I will only marry a virgin?"

 

[Jullianna]

This is one of those topics that needs to be handled delicately, as there are people at all stages of life reading these threads. My concern is mostly for our christian teens.

For someone like me who was married for an extended period of time, had 5-6 people walk in an out of the room during childbirth, has answered numerous questions from a teen child I’ve raised alone, and who is constantly approached with questions from young women in my church about the subject, respectful conversations on the topic are as comfortable as talking about what hairspray I use. It’s just another aspect of life, albeit a precious, intimate one.

On the other hand, there are those who are still in their teens for whom it may cause discomfort or obsessive sexual ponderings. These individuals may not only not know how to approach the subject, they may not even know what questions to ask. Innocence is NOT a bad thing AT ALL. J I think it’s awesome. For these reasons I think it is this group in particular that benefits the most from christian premarital counseling where the counselor will know exactly how to pose the questions and which questions need to be asked.

I also think premarital christian counseling is important for those who have been in abusive relationships, whether within a marriage or not. Those issues need to be dealt with in a loving, healing way before a new life can begin or they will impact it as well.

 

[zeroturbulence]

In the US, sex education is taught in every high school. In some school systems it is taught before high school.

 

[Jullianna]

I know this is probably a topic for another thread, but what bothers me about it being taught in schools, Gabe, is the way it's taught. Christian students are going to have different questions from non-christian students. Also, many students are hesitant to ask questions, particularly in a gender-mixed atmosphere, so many questions go unanswered. So most kids will likely get their answers from other kids (who probably don't know anymore than the kid doing the asking) if they aren't comfortable discussing the topic with their parents. It is as important for our kids to be comfortable asking us questions about sex as it is for us to discuss them with a prospective spouse. I wish this was the case in all families so that it wouldn't even be an issue the school systems had to address... But it seems that our society is too far gone for that...