-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
N
Heck yeah i think Sex should be discussed, but i think it needs to be after the proposal and not right before the i do's.
What if the man has one idea on how sex is gonna be or how it should be, and the woman has a totally other idea. If you dont discuss it, get married start to have sex and its awkward, disappointing and in general just flat out bad. That is going to cause a lot of tension in the marriage, because sex is a big deal obviously.
So dont you think it would be better to discuss it to avoid an argument, unneeded tension and stress. The first five years of marriage is the most diffucult, so the more communication before and after the i do's the better.
I just think it really is an important issue to discuss and not like two weeks before your about to get married, because if the two of you dont agree on something your gonna need time to iron it all out, make sure your both clear on everything, and that there is no resentment or anger on the issue.
What if the man has one idea on how sex is gonna be or how it should be, and the woman has a totally other idea. If you dont discuss it, get married start to have sex and its awkward, disappointing and in general just flat out bad. That is going to cause a lot of tension in the marriage, because sex is a big deal obviously.
So dont you think it would be better to discuss it to avoid an argument, unneeded tension and stress. The first five years of marriage is the most diffucult, so the more communication before and after the i do's the better.
I just think it really is an important issue to discuss and not like two weeks before your about to get married, because if the two of you dont agree on something your gonna need time to iron it all out, make sure your both clear on everything, and that there is no resentment or anger on the issue.
J
I totally agree with Nod.
To put it as delicately as possible, frequency and boundaries are usually the two things most couples seem to have questions about. What is acceptable to one might not be acceptable to another. One may end up feeling like a prude and the other like a perv if the expectations are not the same. That would probably be tough to come back from once the damage is done.
Couples need to understand that their expectations need to be reasonable as well. There are things in life than can affect the libido that have nothing to do with a person's desire for their spouse: stress, long work hours, children, health issues, etc. You have to be able to TALK, not argue about this stuff or it can damage the intimacy of the marriage.
To put it as delicately as possible, frequency and boundaries are usually the two things most couples seem to have questions about. What is acceptable to one might not be acceptable to another. One may end up feeling like a prude and the other like a perv if the expectations are not the same. That would probably be tough to come back from once the damage is done.
Couples need to understand that their expectations need to be reasonable as well. There are things in life than can affect the libido that have nothing to do with a person's desire for their spouse: stress, long work hours, children, health issues, etc. You have to be able to TALK, not argue about this stuff or it can damage the intimacy of the marriage.
U
Well, without getting into details... different people have different ideas on the frequency that sex should happen. Some people only want sex occasionally, others want it regularly.
There could be debates over what specific practices are or are not acceptable.
Beliefs on birth control and abortion even.
Do you both want kids? Same amount of kids? Same ideas on raising them?
Or some people only want to marry other virgins.
I'm sure it will help knowing ahead of time if one partner is inexperienced, a virgin, and the other got around a bit and knows what they're doing. That could be intimidating for the inexperienced partner, so having that worked out between the two beforehand would be wise.
There are a few examples, i'm sure there are more, but off the top of my head, you get the idea.
There could be debates over what specific practices are or are not acceptable.
Beliefs on birth control and abortion even.
Do you both want kids? Same amount of kids? Same ideas on raising them?
Or some people only want to marry other virgins.
I'm sure it will help knowing ahead of time if one partner is inexperienced, a virgin, and the other got around a bit and knows what they're doing. That could be intimidating for the inexperienced partner, so having that worked out between the two beforehand would be wise.
There are a few examples, i'm sure there are more, but off the top of my head, you get the idea.
Sex is a very broad concept...there are various practices, activities, etc that can go on during it. Sadly respecting the nature of this forum and the younger people that may read it, i cant really get into details publically. but yeah there is a lot more than the basic they taught you in high school health class
M
Oh and thanks for answering. I think I understand the issue now, even if only vaguely.
Personally, I should most definitely like to make sure we're on the same page on things such as artificial contraception (I am opposed), but for me this is primarily a moral issue as opposed to something I would consider a 'sex' issue, and I would like to think that we'd have discussed such matters of ethics and morals during the courting phase. In fact, I probably wouldn't even like to propose without first knowing her stance on such issues.
But when it comes to the more sexy sex talk...I don't know, I'm a very conservative soul and wouldn't really like to talk personally about such things. Hopefully we'd be 'in tune' enough to be able to work it out intuitively as we went along. Discussing it out loud is not something I think I could do, as I consider myself squarely on the 'deviant' end of the sexual spectrum and there's no way I'd let slip any details because she would (probably quite rightly) run a mile.
So, to be frank, I think silence is often better.
Personally, I should most definitely like to make sure we're on the same page on things such as artificial contraception (I am opposed), but for me this is primarily a moral issue as opposed to something I would consider a 'sex' issue, and I would like to think that we'd have discussed such matters of ethics and morals during the courting phase. In fact, I probably wouldn't even like to propose without first knowing her stance on such issues.
But when it comes to the more sexy sex talk...I don't know, I'm a very conservative soul and wouldn't really like to talk personally about such things. Hopefully we'd be 'in tune' enough to be able to work it out intuitively as we went along. Discussing it out loud is not something I think I could do, as I consider myself squarely on the 'deviant' end of the sexual spectrum and there's no way I'd let slip any details because she would (probably quite rightly) run a mile.
So, to be frank, I think silence is often better.
I
No offense to anyone here. Please note the following...
1.) If both parties are virgins when they marry.. what do they know other than what they have worked out between them. I would LOVE to hear from someone who has had this experience! I suspect that their sexuality matures together and along the same lines over time.
2.) Speaking as someone who did not come to the Lord until later in life. Having pretty much"'been there done that". I know that what works with one partner does not necessarily work with another anyway.
3.) While sex is an important PART of marriage, I think considering it a "deal breaker" is just another example of how our culture puts WAY to much value on it.
1.) If both parties are virgins when they marry.. what do they know other than what they have worked out between them. I would LOVE to hear from someone who has had this experience! I suspect that their sexuality matures together and along the same lines over time.
2.) Speaking as someone who did not come to the Lord until later in life. Having pretty much"'been there done that". I know that what works with one partner does not necessarily work with another anyway.
3.) While sex is an important PART of marriage, I think considering it a "deal breaker" is just another example of how our culture puts WAY to much value on it.
I think the most important part of the whole equation is finding someone to love deeply enough that one's own cares are of little importance in the grand scheme of things. For in so doing what is best for the other person and the relationship, things that are of little consequence will remain as such. I can honestly say that such love is perhaps the rarest form. Where merely seeing the other person and getting to spend time together talking is better than any physical arrangement with anyone else could ever possibly be.
Where there is less love, I agree that physical compatibility certainly feels like a bigger concern. But if its any indication of things to come, it is something to consider. I know in my case it is a gauge of how much respect I hold in my heart for someone else and in a way a bit of a flag, that is how quickly and in what manner the topic is approached.
The truth about love understands that physical beauty is there and does not need to excite itself with the idea of sex. The truth connects with people in such a way that such things become understood as people grow closer without ever saying a word about it. In its most beautiful form it is the ultimate expression of love.
Where there is less love, I agree that physical compatibility certainly feels like a bigger concern. But if its any indication of things to come, it is something to consider. I know in my case it is a gauge of how much respect I hold in my heart for someone else and in a way a bit of a flag, that is how quickly and in what manner the topic is approached.
The truth about love understands that physical beauty is there and does not need to excite itself with the idea of sex. The truth connects with people in such a way that such things become understood as people grow closer without ever saying a word about it. In its most beautiful form it is the ultimate expression of love.
Like yourself I am also probably more on the deviant end of the spectrum all things considered and I would want someone along similar lines. Just a personal preference. And it is a topic I would bring up simply because if we got far enough along at that point I would like to believe both parties should be mature enough to handle such a conversation.
I completely agree for the most part, but still think this is better to discuss just to avoid surprises once its too late.
I completely agree for the most part, but still think this is better to discuss just to avoid surprises once its too late.
V
I think, if someone is only wanting to marry a virgin, , it might should come up earlier in the dating relationship, simply to prevent one from getting to emotionally involved and then having hearts broken. Otherwise, I think most of this should wait later in a relationship, when you feel more sure of the other person.
T
I don't think it would be a deal breaker but it would be important to know what you are getting into.
For instance frquencey, If you soon to be spouse wants it a few times a day. Thats something you all should talk about to prepare for so that the first month of marriage you are not having a heart attack and he is not going crazy. There is a certain amount of compromise that may have to be discussed before hand.
M
I think it's impossible to answer, everyone will have their right time, one way of knowing you're with the right person is if that time arrives at the same moment for each of you.
As for how the conversation will go, I think it's always going to have a certain amount of discomfort because it's not easy to get into something that could break a relationship that you hope is about to escalate to a new level of emotional commitment.
Personally I think I might wait until an external sexual reference occurs when we are together, simply because in the world today I'd only need to wait 5 minutes and it would provide a way into the conversation and save me from having to just say out of the blue 'hey! let's talk about sex'.
I'd also echo most of what's been said here already, as much as it's not easy it's important to make sure your views are basically the same before getting into the deep end emotionally, because if you're worlds apart on physical intimacy best you know sooner than later.
As for how the conversation will go, I think it's always going to have a certain amount of discomfort because it's not easy to get into something that could break a relationship that you hope is about to escalate to a new level of emotional commitment.
Personally I think I might wait until an external sexual reference occurs when we are together, simply because in the world today I'd only need to wait 5 minutes and it would provide a way into the conversation and save me from having to just say out of the blue 'hey! let's talk about sex'.
I'd also echo most of what's been said here already, as much as it's not easy it's important to make sure your views are basically the same before getting into the deep end emotionally, because if you're worlds apart on physical intimacy best you know sooner than later.