Deep sadness

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#1
Hi,
Earlier this year my partner decided to end our relationship. She suffers from severe depression and often came to the "conclusion" that she was not good enough for me.
Today would be our anniversary. The sadness I have felt throughout the year has sunken to a new low. I feel almost completely broken. My faith in God has been the only thing keeping me alive for so long and that faith has been tested so much.
Our relationship lasted for 10 very good years.
When she decided to end the relationship I tried everything to change her mind. We are both Christians and we both believed God had sent us to be with each other but in her mind God was now changing His mind (?) or He only intended us to be a couple for the time we were together and now He has other plans. For the first time our beliefs did not match.
I do not believe God changes His mind. That suggests He made a mistake which is not possible.
I do not believe God deals in temporary relationships.
After some time I found out many things which I was not aware of earlier. My partner had started dealing with psychics, seeking help for the mental suffering that regular doctors were unable to treat. She had forgotten that receiving love (from me) was the best treatments she ever had and for 10 years had been a life saver (literally) for her.
I later found out the psychics were feeding her mind with all sorts of rubbish and I believe sowed the seeds of what would become a nightmare I never could have imagined possible.
Honesty was at the core of our relationship. Neither of us ever questioned or doubted it. The subject of cheating was something we might discuss like you discuss characters in a movie. It just wasn't possible for either of us.
In early October she confronted me with something unbelievable. She had been having visions, vivid hallucinations, for over 4 days in a row. These visions involved ME with another woman who she could see, feel and even smell. She was absolutely convinced these visions were real.
At first I assumed this was caused by her mental illness and I am still somewhat of this opinion. But I also understand what the Bible says about psychics and I am very sure visions of this nature can only come from Satan.
Since we parted company it has been obvious to anybody who knows her how much she loves (loved) me. She has constantly fought the desire to be together again at every turn. She insisted on minimal contact because as she says she needs to stay strong and focus on getting well and she needs to do that on her own. The less contact we had, the worse she got.
She has also avoided at all costs any face-to-face contact. She said she knows if she sees me she won't be able to stay strong and I will only change her mind. That just dumbfounds me. It seems as though deep inside she knows the truth but she won't allow it to be revealed because these lies she now believes are the only way to "stay strong".
Her demand that I cease all contact with her was based on her belief that I have "moved on intimately" and she wants to enjoy the same freedom and find love again like I have (apparently). If only she knew how the opposite were true.
Every night I pray for forgiveness for all the times I was not good enough for her. I am human and I made many mistakes. I also pray for God to lead me where He wants me to go. The feeling I get is that He sent us to be together and He still wants us to be together. Our love was blessed by Him.
The problem I have is I am no longer certain. I keep asking myself am I believing what I want to believe or has God sent me a very clear message in all this pain that I really should move on and forget about her. Forget about the woman I still feel as though I would give my life for. The love has not faded even one bit.
I find it almost impossible to believe God would deal in anything that involves so much pain. We have both suffered tremendously. In my mind this is clearly the work of Satan.
Two more days until Christmas. The timing couldn't be worse. I have no idea how I will handle waking up Christmas Day in an empty house without her voice wishing me Merry Christmas. This will be the loneliest Christmas ever.
Thanks for reading. God bless.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,209
227
63
#2
I lost my wife, probably due to her depression, my lack of understanding, and a serpent named chad. I've been going through this for over 2 years, it doesn't get easier. Sorry, have to be honest.
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#3
Honesty is appreciated. False hope isn't much help.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
1,335
113
#4
I am so sorry to hear all this, Oby. Prayers for your spiritual strength and well being.


 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#5
I am so sorry to hear all this, Oby. Prayers for your spiritual strength and well being.


Thanks. I would appreciate prayers for my ex too. I know she suffers far more than I do.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,508
1,139
113
63
#6
I'm sure that you are in deep sadness having this relationship end after 10 years. We all are human and make mistakes but you did the right thing in asking God to forgive any sins you may have committed that ended the relationship but it seems to me that her visions were that beginning of the end of the relationship. I'm also sure that they were not really visions from God but something that she formulated herself. It might be best to forgot about her and start planning to move forward once again in your life. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#7
It might be best to forgot about her and start planning to move forward once again in your life.
My head tells me I need to forget about her but my heart has a long way to go. Caring for her was never something I forced myself to do it just came naturally. Forcing myself not to care anymore feels just as unnatural.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,525
519
113
#8
Well I think it's uncommon for God to intend two specific people to only be together. I think there are various people, throughout the span of our lives, that would actually work just ad well. Nothing biblical about "the one" concept.

But I can relate as well. My last gf was the first woman I'd ever dated that lead me to believe I was Actually with someone God put in my path. Long story short we aren't together. She wanted to be together but had things that were interfering with our relationship. This was a few days before our promise rings arrived. Marriage was definitely on the table for each of us. Her kids wanted us to marry.
Like you I never had to force myself. It not only came naturally but it went against how I felt at first. I did not want to date. The idea made me sick, until I met her. Couldn't help myself though.
I have no choice but to give her space. We no longer talk. Is there a chance it may still work out one day? No idea, I hope so. But hope isn't surety.
Like you my life is turned upside down. Even mentally I feel off in ways I never have before. I can't give much advice, since this all happened in the past month. But maybe hearing others relating will help some.

My question to you, though, is why date for 10 years and not marry?
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#9
Nothing biblical about "the one" concept.

But maybe hearing others relating will help some.

My question to you, though, is why date for 10 years and not marry?
I don't believe literally in "the one" concept. I do believe God will send more than one opportunity and because we all have free will it's up to us if/when we choose to be with someone and of course it depends on both people making the same choice.

Relating to others is actually the reason I am here. It's far too easy to reflect on my own thoughts and not see the forest for the trees.

Your question is very difficult to answer simply. In hindsight we were both too cautious about rushing things when there were many times we were both ready. She has a daughter from a previous relationship and I cannot exaggerate her overwhelming desire to do everything perfectly for her daughter. She felt unloved by her own parents and many other hangups so she was determined to give her own daughter the best of everything.
The 10 years was also interrupted on a few occasions. Her depression was something we dealt with all the time but for the most part we shared far more times of joy and love. On 3 occasions during the 10 years we almost broke up when she was in a very deep depression. Each of those times I tried to balance giving her the space she needed but also showing her I would not abandon her nor stop loving her. Each time we managed to recover. After each time she would also express overwhelming gratitude for my patience and tell me how right I was not to give up. I often thought we should get married soon after those recoveries and strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. Then I would decide that patience had gotten us this far so maybe it would be rushing things. We still talked about marriage all the time and it was often something we just took for granted would eventually happen. The feeling that after all those years that we were still in love and still surviving many challenges gave us both maybe too much complacency.
It is actually one of my greatest regrets. I will never know if I missed the opportunity and part of me actually thinks it was my biggest mistake although it's a mistake I can't change I can only learn from it... maybe.
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#10
I should also add our living circumstances were a small obstacle although one we were slowly (perhaps too slowly) working on.
She has raised her daughter pretty much on her own since she was born. Her previous partner was violent and almost everybody would agree she could not save the relationship with him.
She has always been a Christian. Raised as a Catholic although some of her childhood experiences in Catholic school have jaded her views about institutions. She believes 100% in following God and her intentions, if not her actions, are always as pure as anybody I have known. She struggles with feelings of guilt all the time.
Meeting me and dating me was not something she took lightly. It actually took her almost a year to pluck up the courage to make a move. In the meanwhile I had noticed her myself and was taking too long making my own move.
Throughout the years we were together we both concentrated almost subconsciously on her daughter first and our relationship second. I took great pride in the part I was playing helping her raise her daughter. Even now after the horrible visions and beliefs she has, she still insists I was "perfect" at the time and she can't thank me enough for being one of the reasons they now have such a great mother-daughter relationship.
There were also issues with her father who, quite frankly, is the worst influence in her life and possibly even part of the reason she suffers so much.
For many years he proclaimed to everybody how great I was for his daughter and how he loved me as his own son. Unfortunately it was always quite fake and I don't need the benefit of hindsight to say that. He has always and will always put himself first. He has no care whatsoever for his daughter or indeed any of his children. My demise with him was when I finally stood up to him for some very outlandish and horrible things he was saying about his son, my partner's brother. From that moment onward I was the enemy. He openly tried everything to break us up.
Her mother died, Christmas Day, 3 years ago. At that point she made the decision no matter how bad her father was she never wanted to lose him. She tried to ignore his continual attempts to break us up but I think it eventually wore her down and maybe is one reason she started turning to all the wrong places for guidance.
 

Pipp

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2013
3,967
209
63
#11
Praying for all that are hurting and in need here.
 
Jul 20, 2017
116
5
0
#12
You have to free her, that simple. Show her spirit guides are evil. Its easy. Especially when so called angels sit with disgusting people in sin with neon pentagrams and eyes on their shop window charging people money and does not fix things but cause more confusion. Like the bible says the woman of mystery is decorated but confused and doomed.
 
Jul 20, 2017
116
5
0
#13
Well I think it's uncommon for God to intend two specific people to only be together. I think there are various people, throughout the span of our lives, that would actually work just ad well. Nothing biblical about "the one" concept.

But I can relate as well. My last gf was the first woman I'd ever dated that lead me to believe I was Actually with someone God put in my path. Long story short we aren't together. She wanted to be together but had things that were interfering with our relationship. This was a few days before our promise rings arrived. Marriage was definitely on the table for each of us. Her kids wanted us to marry.
Like you I never had to force myself. It not only came naturally but it went against how I felt at first. I did not want to date. The idea made me sick, until I met her. Couldn't help myself though.
I have no choice but to give her space. We no longer talk. Is there a chance it may still work out one day? No idea, I hope so. But hope isn't surety.
Like you my life is turned upside down. Even mentally I feel off in ways I never have before. I can't give much advice, since this all happened in the past month. But maybe hearing others relating will help some.

My question to you, though, is why date for 10 years and not marry?
Thank you sir. So many Christians think one soulmate is the way. This idea is not only anti bible but came from a type of paganism christians call satanic.
 

danja

Senior Member
Nov 28, 2014
917
43
28
#14
I am sorry brother.I will pray for you and God's will be done in your life .God bless you
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,525
519
113
#15
Oby
I can relate to s one of that as well.
Also I actually have depression. So I know some of what she feels. The desperation for relief. The bad decision making.

One thing I would discourage you from doing is making sense of her choices. People suffering from Any form of mental illness often make choices filtered through that mental illness. These are not normal, clear thought processes and are often guided by skewed beliefs from the illness. Trying to make sense of it won't work.

Quite honestly you are in a helpless situation. And now, as difficult as it is, is a time for selflessness. Don't be about winning her back, but be about prayer for her well-being and healing.
For my ex I sent her books I hoped would help her through what she's dealing with. Not in hopes she would contact me, or with a motive of getting her better so I can get her back (as much as I would love that), but because together or apart I want her better, healed and happy. That needs to be your primary focus. Of God grants either you or I with a second chance that's wonderful. If not then we can know we showed true love and put their needs ahead of our wants. That is all we can do to sustain us.
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#16
Thanks Ugly. It helps that somebody can relate.
I have to say in hindsight I think her depression diagnosis wasn't actually correct. Looking back I can remember a time when she started seeing a psychiatrist at one of the most highly regarded clinics in Australia. After the first visit she was full of hope and excitement. Comments like "this doctor is perfect for me" were made. After the second visit she went totally cold and never went back. She was upset that the doctor suggested she might have bipolar.

She was never diagnosed by a doctor. Her depression was self-diagnosed.

Now I know she has had visions, bipolar makes a lot of sense. In fact I never realised until recently that somebody can be bipolar and NOT experience the extreme highs but only experience the extreme lows.

I don't intend on getting her back. Of course I want her back and I will never deny that. Logic, will-power and a lot of love tells me I can't be with her anymore and chasing her won't help either of us.
Trying to give her the best chance of finding the help she needs is my main goal now.

I have spent weeks making an elaborate Christmas card for her. It isn't unusual because I always did these cards although this one is probably more elaborate than any I've done before. I am still struggling with whether or not to give it to her.
The last time we were in contact she asked me to cease all contact so she can "move on like you have" because she is still in the firm belief that I have met somebody else. I asked her if I could still send her the card because I put so much into it and she said it was okay. Everybody I know tells me it is a bad idea.
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#17
I should just add on the selfish side I have tried numerous things to look after myself first. Trying not to think about her all the time is the most difficult. I removed all pictures and a lot of items in my house that she gave me or we bought together. I found even trivial seemingly unrelated things would spark a memory then a chain of thoughts followed.
The other day I saw a small red car and I instantly thought of her daughter and the first car she owned which I spray painted for her. It was small and red but not even the same make or model.
Most of the music I enjoy listening to doesn't give me any joy now. Music we shared together only brings back memories all of which are happy memories but they're quickly followed by the deep sadness and a feeling of loss.
I thought I might be suffering depression myself but my doctor believes it is just grief and it takes time as everybody says.
Waking up and instantly having some thoughts about her every single day is also something I can't seem to avoid.
 
Dec 23, 2017
35
0
0
#18
Through Loving and suffering for others we learn to get closer to God and His Godly ways .
 

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
May 3, 2017
1,124
270
83
56
#19
I should just add on the selfish side I have tried numerous things to look after myself first. Trying not to think about her all the time is the most difficult. I removed all pictures and a lot of items in my house that she gave me or we bought together. I found even trivial seemingly unrelated things would spark a memory then a chain of thoughts followed.
The other day I saw a small red car and I instantly thought of her daughter and the first car she owned which I spray painted for her. It was small and red but not even the same make or model.
Most of the music I enjoy listening to doesn't give me any joy now. Music we shared together only brings back memories all of which are happy memories but they're quickly followed by the deep sadness and a feeling of loss.
I thought I might be suffering depression myself but my doctor believes it is just grief and it takes time as everybody says.
Waking up and instantly having some thoughts about her every single day is also something I can't seem to avoid.
Dear Oby...My heart was so sad reading your post, I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through, but I know everything is RAW for you at the moment...Do not rely on yourself, lay all your burdens upon the LORD, for it is He who will carry them while you rest in Him and gain strength from the peace of God that passes all our understanding :) ...

Do not expect anything from yourself, you are hurt, wounded and looking for answers, do not burn yourself out, we all have seasons in our life, your season for now is grieving and mourning...My favourite Scripture is Trust in the LORD with ALL your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding...In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and HE will direct your paths :)...

As for your card, I bet it is beautiful, do not listen to others who say not to give it, because if you are giving out of love, then who knows one day when she picks up, she could take one look at that card and be reminded of your love...I will pray for you as you go through this trial, remember, our LORD is walking right beside you, sent with much love...xox...
 

Oby

Member
Dec 22, 2017
38
1
0
#20
As for your card, I bet it is beautiful, do not listen to others who say not to give it, because if you are giving out of love, then who knows one day when she picks up, she could take one look at that card and be reminded of your love...I will pray for you as you go through this trial, remember, our LORD is walking right beside you, sent with much love...xox...
That's exactly how I feel about the card. I put every ounce of love I have for her into making it. I don't know if she will read it. One day she might read it and feel something good. In the short term I am expecting nothing. Actually I expect to feel even more disappointment as I know she will not respond to it. She is determined to not have any contact so I won't even get a "thank you". My mother sent her a loving Christmas card already and she did not reply to that.

Thank you for your kind words. Although it is very hard I have been relying on my faith and a belief, maybe not as solid as before but still there, that God really is looking after both me and her. I do wish there was a 1800 customer service number so I could ask Him what's going on.