Did you guys ever consider to never get married?

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melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,159
2,351
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#43
I think we should always keep in mind is that whatever our status is, do everything as unto the Lord. as a single person, be single as unto the Lord. as a married person, be married as unto the Lord.

for a long time, I told myself I didn't want to marry, but why? it was because I was bitter. then it was because a married couple close to my family was going through hardship because of infidelity, so I said to myself, "what's the point???" I was holding onto grudges. of course, when someone asked me if I was going to marry one day, I would say, "maybe. maybe not. the Lord will let me know." that was my Christian answer, but my real answer was, "I'm bitter, angry, and blah blah blah."

I finally let go of all that mess and allowed the Lord to heal me. then for real for real, I was ok with being single for the rest of my life if that is what the Lord wanted from me. my eyes were no longer on myself but on the Lord. I could look around at everybody and everywhere else and find a million reasons for one status over the other, but in the end of it all, what does the Lord want for and from me?
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,883
3,135
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#44
Hi ITL,

You wrote a great opening post! Thanks for bringing up this subject with a great deal of insight and wisdom.

Many of us here are long-term singles so you'll definitely find others here who are thinking the same way.

I think the older I get, the one thing I'm realizing about marriage is that marriage means serving someone else. When you sign up to get married, what you are really saying is, "I choose to serve this person for the rest of my life, despite what happens along the way. It doesn't matter what (or how much) goes wrong, or how differently it turns out than I expected -- I am making a promise and holy commitment to the Lord that I will be here and serve this person for the rest of my life, whether I'm happy or not."

And I know that for myself, grasping the thought of how God sees marriage, and not the world markets it, is incredibly intimidating.

I liked what The Indian Girl said about singles in the church being told that they are incomplete unless they marry and have families. Marriage seems to be the catch-all Christian Panacea for absolutely every ailment: Feeling lonely? Start looking for a spouse! Looking for a purpose in life? Marriage and a family will take care of that! Struggling with sexual feelings? Put out those flames with a one-way trip to the altar!!!

The problem for me is that I don't hear Christian married couples telling us that marriage is solving any of these issues in THEIR lives. Now, I'm sure there ARE some happy Christian marriages out there, but they seem to be increasingly rare, and I don't know about anyone else, but I don't hear very much about them. What I seem to observe more in my own life is tolerance, and the more of it I see, the less I think about getting married, because I know in my heart how miserable I would feel if I had to tolerate some of the situations married people are dealing with.

And yet, for some reason, so many of us think that we are going to be The Blessed Exception and that God is going to give them that One Perfect Unicorn to ride off into the sunset with.

I have often wanted to write a thread and poll in the CC Family Forum that says, "Marriage Cured My Porn Addiction (And Everything Else Wrong with My Life", because to me, this is what the church makes it sound like. "Get Married, and God Will Cause All Your Social Problems to Disappear and All Your Dreams to Come True!" But if we were able to ask married people honest questions about their married lives -- the really tough questions that are deemed as being too personal to ask, but are silently killing people -- what would the real answers be?

We all know that sexual feelings are meant to be dealt with in marriage. But how many married Christian people can honestly say, "Marriage fulfills everything I ever wanted, dreamed about, and hoped for in a sex life! I feel 100% satisfied, 100% of the time!" And even when we account for a sinful, imperfect world, how high could we expect those statistics to be? (80% satisfied, 70% of the time?) No matter how high the statistic, the devil will always be gnawing at us about whatever percentage we think is "missing", whether we are married or single.

I think similar stats could be applied to every other area marriage is supposed to "cure" as well: Loneliness, Companionship, Family Life, Spiritual Growth, Financial Health, and Purpose in Life. How satisfied do most married people feel in these areas, and how much of the time? If the CC Family Forum is any indication, not very many (although I realize that people who are struggling in their marriages are more likely to write about their challenges rather than people who are happily content.)

I often wonder if we forget that absolutely everything has a price. Some time back, a gentleman and I were considering the possibility of a long-distance relationship and then seeing where it went. But we couldn't even work out a regular phone schedule in order to have time to talk every couple of days. Like most couples I know, we worked opposite hours and I certainly wasn't going to call him and blab about the mundane details of my day when I knew he'd only be getting 4 hours of sleep before having to go back into work again. I might have been dying to tell him about something but I would wait until it was before a shift where he would get a little more sleep, so at times that meant waiting a week to bring it up -- or just deciding I could handle it alone without saying anything.

To me, it was even harder than being single because I had to plan all my waking, working, and sleeping hours around when we just might be lucky enough to have a full-on time eclipse in which we could manage to talk for even 30 minutes. I don't know if we might have gotten married if we had been given proximity and time, but I do know that the realities of life made it seem impossible to work with and that being friends has been much easier (albeit, sad, of course.)

We all want financial stability in a relationship, but all too often, the only way to get it means that you'll never get to spend any time together. Christian women say they want a good provider, but what I see in many marriages are couples who become joint single parents, taking turns raising their children by themselves at opposite hours as they try to keep up with ever-demanding work schedules.

But yet, somehow, we all hope and pray that God is somehow going to make our situation the exception with dream jobs that perfectly coordinate family time (and of course, a few very blessed families might find this.)

Only now, as I face those issues myself, can I fully appreciate the miracle that somehow my parents were able to manage with my Mom overseeing the household while my Dad worked 15+ hours a day, 7 days a week (and when things went wrong, which they often did, it felt like he lived at work 24/7.) We were very blessed in that he was eventually able to have some flexibility, almost always joining us for dinner and church on Sunday, but in all the hours before and after that, he was almost always at work.

I know this post might come across as bitter and cynical, but I think this is what happens to a lot of people -- we believe in fairytales and then wonder why marriage doesn't meet our expectations.

Society, and even the church, has turned marriage into some kind of "One Size Fits All" cure for every ailment we face in a fallen world, but once people get locked in and face the true reality of serving someone for the rest of their life, they realize that it DOESN'T actually cure those ailments, and many of the things they have struggled with will still be a struggle.

Marriage is simply an alternative approach to dealing with, but not completely solving our problems.
 

Belka

Junior Member
Aug 24, 2017
225
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#45
Yeah, I've considered it before, and prayed about it, and even came to terms with being single all my life if that's what the Lord wants for me. But then I believe the Lord told me that He has someone for me and that I'll have a family one day so I am looking forward to that!

The trick is in staying content at every stage of our life. And that's not always easy, but even Paul said that he had to "learn" it. And so do we... :) One step at a time.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,668
1,759
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#46
there is even a scipture where God says he is husband to the windows.
And now we know what the holy computer preference is: God is the husband to windows, but in the day ye eat of the apple ye shall surely die.

I but in the end of it all, what does the Lord want for and from me?
Apparently he wanted you to get married and become a good wife (ie not one of those nasty, demanding, feminist takers) [ edit: you never were that and I'm not saying you were, just that that is the impression too many people have about the only women who are still single and could become wives]

Now, I'm sure there ARE some happy Christian marriages out there, but they seem to be increasingly rare, and I don't know about anyone else, but I don't hear very much about them. What I seem to observe more in my own life is tolerance, and the more of it I see, the less I think about getting married, because I know in my heart how miserable I would feel if I had to tolerate some of the situations married people are dealing with.

And yet, for some reason, so many of us think that we are going to be The Blessed Exception and that God is going to give them that One Perfect Unicorn to ride off into the sunset with.
Methinks you need to spend more time with my parents. (I'm sure they wouldn't object either)
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,544
2,111
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#47
It's just that I feel that u need to be open to meeting someone, which means that u do think about it and consider it and if u do happen to meet a "perfect" person for u great, but i'm seeing that those things aren't really like that in practice. in the beginning of a relationship, yes, when it's all about passion, but then i see that most couples end up realizing they wouldn't have married int he fisrt place if they had taken the time to REALLY know that other person. so what i see is that often God wants to do things in your life, internal changes, that process we go through alone with God in the desert, but then in those moments of weakness we tend to resort to comfort from someone we can see and end up getting in relationships so that process stops or is slowed down because then u are required to start working at becoming one with that person AND one with God so it can cause a lot of conflict i suppose. i wish it wasnt like that because i know that two can be better than one but only provided that that other one is totally in tune with u. i know i'm starting to talk about something else now, but just venting out...
Well the problem here isn't marriage, it's impatience. And living in a culture where, as another put it, being single is somewhat looked down on, the this causes people to rush into marriage.
Because people make bad decisions does not mean marriage is somehow bad. As I said before, educate people better, stop making either one seem as superior over the other and people will make better decisions. This will make for more happy marriages.
If you take someone who has never driven and keep telling them they'll be better and happier if they drive and they hit someone, is it the cars fault? Or the pressure and poor decision making?
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,272
4,316
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#48
Methinks you need to spend more time with my parents. (I'm sure they wouldn't object either)
Yeah, or my uncle Fred and his wife. Or a lot of people I know at church. Or my grandma.

(Can't say my parents... they divorced because my mother wanted "freedom.") But I do know a lot of couples that are great together.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,883
3,135
113
#49
Methinks you need to spend more time with my parents. (I'm sure they wouldn't object either)
Your parents are wonderful people who seem to play extraordinarily well off each other's strengths and weaknesses.

However, no matter how well a couple might get along, real life seems to have a way of causing irrevocable chasms between even the strongest of married couples.

One of the biggest disparities I keep noticing is the vast difference between the idealized fantasy of marriage vs. the real life reality.

Christian women dream of a man who can provide for a nice home and X amount of children, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that most likely, if a man IS able to provide that (or if they are able to provide that together, with both of them working), they will probably have very little time that they get to spend together. I've met some well-meaning Christian women who seem to think a good Christian husband can magically produce all the money needed for a comfortable family life and yet somehow have tons of leisure time to spend with them at home.

In other words, I think women who dream of a providing husband don't realize that they will have to prepare to live a great deal of their married life with their husband not home, and still be faithful to him, no matter how lonely it becomes.

Christian men dream of a sexy wife who will adoringly leap into their arms the minute they walk through the door. But toss in the reality of raising the X amount of children they thought they wanted, then working all the hours to pay for all the medical, educational, and recreational demands while their wife is running herself ragged keeping up with the kids at home, and yet there is disappointment that their wife doesn't look like Victoria's Secret catalog model lounging around seductively for them at the end of the day (but their young female co-worker is trying.)

Even the strongest of marriages can't get around reality (and the temptations that come with it, like the co-worker who listens when one's spouse doesn't have time.)

I actually went to spend a few days with the guy's family whom I wrote about in my previous post during a leg of the trip I made to meet you.

While he and I get along incredibly well, we soon realized the MOUNTAIN of hurdles we'd have to overcome if we were going to make anything work: the change of location and who would move (each of us have worked very hard in our careers to get where we are); trying to figure out how we could look after BOTH our families if one or the other moved; the sacrifices we'd each have to make in order to spend time together (and how much more money it would cost outside of our regular budgets, etc.)

In the end, we both knew the stress of trying to resolve all those changes, even if it took years, would produce too many fractures in the lives we had worked so hard to build.

I also realized that because we had so little time to spend together (and that was just on the phone, seeing as it was long-distance), I resorted to going back to what I've learned to do over all these years of being single -- relying on my inner circle of friends when I needed someone to talk to, because I didn't want to stress him out after he'd worked 18 hours a day -- and I realized that if being with someone means we both feel just about as alone as when we were single, we're not really together in the first place.

I know some couples who keep saying, "Someday, someday... We'll have time to spend together and build a stronger relationship... Someday when the kids are grown... Someday when we're retired, etc." -- but what if that day never comes (seeing as retirement seems like a pipe dream to today's young people) and you find yourself having to adjust to to being more alone in marriage (which is a permanent situation) than when you were single?

Christianity seems to market marriage as a solution to loneliness, but I would dare to say that those who want to be married will have to learn to face loneliness in an even more challenging way than when they were single.
 
C

CozHElivesIcanface2morrow

Guest
#50
Marriage is not for everyone ....it can be a beautiful thing but it is not always easy... If you feel like you are better off alone then dont get married...but don't let the fear of the unknown stop you to get to where You want to go...


'didn't consider to never get married....but I did tell myself that when I am already in my 50's Maybe my desire to get married and build a family will be no more...we'll see 😂

I'v never been married ...When I was a kid I wanted to be married in my 20's...I wanted to see myself taking care of 3 beautiful kids with the love of my life beside me... 😅 but it didn't happen...


I am going to be 42 soon...not losing hope yet.... though my dream of conceiving a beautiful baby at my age right now is not easy,I believe it is still possible 😊

I don't know what the future holds...I don't really know but I am leaving things open to any all possible futures...Who knows? maybe next year I am already married or maybe right when I am 50 or you know I'll will not be married ... 🤷 😅 Only God knows HE knows better 🙏🏼 if it is in His perfect will it will going to happen 😊

Both statuses are giftsof God's grace to us... If you've been given/blessed to take care and love another individual(husband/wife) for the rest of your life that is so amazing 😍 same like singleness it is an honor being offered and given to us by the Lord Jesus 😇
 

G00WZ

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
1,055
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#51
I can go either way with or without, but if i want to marry, God's will says that i can. To me its not really something that will make or break me, i just see it as an addition of sorts. I question and am willing to reject being sold the image of marriage as being something that i "need" for love, happiness or completion.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,715
3,883
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#52
odd ones out also have a place and are just as valuable. Not everyone is going to be paired up with someone...just simple mathematics here.

I also think with adam and eve being the only two people on the entire earth at the time, you cannot compare that with how it is today with BILLIONS of people on the planet. And each and every soul saved is precious to God.

if you want to add more people well...shouldnt God be in charge of that? If you cant be happy living a life where you actually need to share a planet with a billion other people ALREADY then what makes you think marrying someone (and making more people) is going to be the solution???

the silly things is, many people who are married have have abortions for stupid reasons like oh it wasnt the right time. So theres a kind of backwards thinking here.

as Christians we have thousands upon thousands of family members to call on. A lot of people think that it has to be your own family and it has to come from your own flesh and blood and they all have to look like you and like exactly the same things you do. well actually no it doesnt work that way. we can all trace out lineage back to adam and eve but if we are born again believers we enter into Gods family by Jesus blood.

The notion that one has to enter ANOTHER marriage covenant on top of the one already made by Jesus is, rather misguided. I saw a lot of church members who had married what they thought were beleivers as those raised in church but guess what, marriage did not make their lives any better. it actually brought more problems, because they were then yoked with someone who was not equal with them, they had problemswith children, they did not turn out 'perfect' cos reality is perfect babies dont just grow into perfect children...they became self focused...its not as if today its like there was World war two and half the population had died and the govt was saying well...we going to offer free education, healthcare and housing so get started making babies everyone.

no its not like that anymore. we have aging elders to look after. There is NO land left to pioneer. Education and healthcare isnt free anymore. The cost of living is high. theres toxins and poisons in our water, the air we breathe, in mothers breast milk. You wanna marry, fine but its not ever going to be like how it was for baby boomers and one shouldnt expect that.


sorry just putting my thoughts out there. I hope they make a bit of sense. Today things dont make sense anymore. Gay people wanna marry. If gay people want to marry cos they can afford to and straight people actually dont because its expensive well who really knows what marriage is meant to be about anymore.
 
Dec 23, 2019
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godfoundme.weebly.com
#53
I am good with either possibility. I would enjoy the companionship of a compatible husband, but I don’t need one to be happy. I’m content with the life I have and look forward to the rest. I want to keep learning, growing, and serving Him and perhaps for me that may be through a single life. One of the major considerations in a marriage is having children, and I honestly never pictured myself as a mother. I love working with kids, but a big plus is that they get to go home at the end of the day. I have more time to read, serve, etcetera because I don’t have to come home and take care of kids of my own to feed, bathe, change, etcetera. For now, I’m definitely enjoying and taking advantage of that time.

If I ever did have any kids (and that to me is a pretty big if…), I think I’d adopt. So many women want kids of their own and there’s long waiting lists to adopt babies, but what about the older children who also need loving homes? God said to look after the widows and orphans, so adoption seems to be a good option. That or fostering. However, seeing as many men also would like their own biological children then it hardly seems fair to deprive them of that wish. To each his own, but that definitely narrows down the potential marriage partners.

Some are called to marry and some are not. Each has its pros and cons and each person will have a different perspective on whether the pro or con side outweighs the other for them. If you get married, be sure it is to a person you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with through thick and thin, good and bad.

Ultimately, God knows what will happen. A man plans his course but the Lord directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9). We may have plans now, but God may gently guide us into unexpected roads. All we can do is keep living and enjoying His gifts. Do everything as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23). Seek first the kingdom of God, and the rest will follow (Matthew 6:33). Thank God whether you are single or married because both are blessings in different ways, whether you currently feel it or not. Trust Him because He knows what’s best for you.
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
259
123
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#54
My life is pleasant and peaceful. Temperament is my linchpin. Rants and complaints are commonplace. Good deportment and restraint are less so. Gentlemen and ladies are rarities now.

The person who greets the day with expectation and embraces the possibilities which await is most appealing. I can’t forsake my peace of mind and joy for companionship. I must have both and a connection where we thrive and grow as one. If the union won’t be mutually enriching I see little need to engage.

~princesse
 
I

IFOLLOWHIM

Guest
#55
To each his own!
Be content in whatever state you find yourself.
I therefore am content to be single and choose NEVER to marry again!
No encumberances,no disagreements,I do whatever I want and as the Lord allows.
I love Jesus,my family and friends and myself.
 
Jun 12, 2020
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#56
This thought comes back and forth since i got born again (in 2007). I know marriage can be a blessing and that's how God designed things, but sometimes I tend to think that to really meet someone who totally matches u and who won't be a stumbling block to your walk with God in any way seems kinda unreal. I know in marriage people learn to love more, accept certain things, be tolerant, but then the question is... wouldn't we be better off alone, in the case married with God? Paul talks about it, as you guys know, and some say it refers to the context back then and today thigns are different, but are they really... when i met God i had been involved with this atheist guy and God even worked a miracle for him, but he hardened his heart and today i dont feel like i did for him back then anymore, but back then i was sure he was the one for me etc... then i learned, so to speak, that there isnt such a thing as the one for u, but rather many imperfect ppl (like me, us all) and we pick one who matches us best, in faith and all, and then we learn to kinda stand each other more or less, depending on how one matches the other. With that thought in mind, arent we really, again, better off walking with God without the interference from someone else? I sometimes feel that could be better, that i could be more useful to God that way, I mean, totally emotionally dependent on Him alone and for other things too. But then sometimes I also tend to consider getting married and all, but I wonder if that feeling comes when I stop depending emotionally on God for everything. Also, in my mid 30's i tend to think about how society will see me, also i think when i get older, if being kinda on my own wouldnt be bad for me ultimately. anyway, just thoughts, have you guys ever considered that too
For most people, being alone would lead to more problems than it would solve. That's why the Bible encourages, if not commands, every man to have his own wife and every woman to have her own husband-1 Coriinthians 7. "let every man...every woman..." is as strong as a command according to my pastor.

If God wired most people for marriage, why would it be better to be alone? I agree with you that there isn't just one possible mate out there. Marriage has the troubles of the flesh, but even so, is still better for all except the person God gives the gift of singleness. That person doesn't need to marry at all.
 

Prycejosh1987

Active member
Jul 19, 2020
955
162
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#57
I have decided not to get married myself. There is a corrupt system that is creating a unfaithful and ungodly standard in partnerships. Times now are not like they used to be, where women actually preferred to stay faithful to their partners, and vice versa.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,668
1,759
113
#58
I have decided not to get married myself. There is a corrupt system that is creating a unfaithful and ungodly standard in partnerships. Times now are not like they used to be, where women actually preferred to stay faithful to their partners, and vice versa.
One has to wonder how much it was preference, and how much it was just the only option that didn't bring all kinds of social stigma crashing down on people's heads. Sometimes I also wonder how faithful people really were to their spouses in olden days or if we've kind of whitewashed and romanticized that.
 

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
1,105
781
113
#59
One has to wonder how much it was preference, and how much it was just the only option that didn't bring all kinds of social stigma crashing down on people's heads. Sometimes I also wonder how faithful people really were to their spouses in olden days or if we've kind of whitewashed and romanticized that.
That is a romanticized view I believe. In the past, only the husband/father was working, and he had a wife to support and many children (people usually had many children in the past), we can imagine the stress and the toll of this stress in the marriage. Unless the man was a devout Christian, it was acceptable for men to have affairs, be alcoholic, go to the brothel, etc. Women in the past were probably more faithful, since she had to depend on the husand for food for herself and kids, also domestic abuse laws were not enforced if any and she would have been severely beaten up if she had an affair (and the husband would have received support). More recent laws such as domestic abuse laws which are taken seriously by law enforcement (even very mild domestic abuse) and other laws such as child support and alimony, as well as divorce laws, have hampered men from behaving how they did in the past. Unfortunately I think women have more extramarital affairs now than they did in the past. There is a much reduced risk of being beaten up, and because she most likely has a job or is receiving child support she doesn't have to worry as much about being homeless and starving.
 
Jul 6, 2020
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#60
Ouch. That’s a rough observation of modern marriages. While I do agree with some points you made, marriage as the Lord intended it is a Holy union between a man and a women. Two fleshes becoming one. This isn’t only for procreation, but we were created to have intimate(not always sexual) relationships. Christ explains this as He is the Bridegroom and the Church the Bride. A lot of couples whom claim to be Christians forsake this concept. Unfortunately once the marriage dissolves an individual realizes what a gift it really was from God. That is if they truly understand it’s special design and purpose.
It comes with instructions too.
But seems everybody throws them out and goes for the worldly advice.
Then they wonder what went wrong?
You can sit around bemoaning marriage rather then our own disobedience to Gods commands regarding His way to do it.

Marriage does not exist just for us, it is a testimony to the world of how it is between God and man, how it works and how we are blessed in our submission to his loving authority or we are opposed by God in our pride fulled disobedience.

My experience is, you choose someone who matches how you are messed up.

That is what is attractive to your fleshly self.
But if you commit your life to God your attractions change and who is attracted to you changes too.

Become the person, the person you would want, would want is the best path IMHO.